June 29, 2001
Well, my thought was interrupted by one of our little darlings?Heidi, I think?who called because they were all killing each other again. I?d made up this little schedule for them to follow and it just wasn?t going to work. So I had to tell them at work that I had an emergency and had to leave. I felt really crummy about it and I was really mad at someone or something?you for leaving me? I don?t know. God? I don?t know. Fate? Absolutely. Why does this bad shit keep happening to us?

Today I got the kids into a daycare program, well, Heidi and Kristin anyway. They start on Monday. And we got our glasses at last?and it cost like $600. The day care is another $3000?this is really getting crazy here, Rich. WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?????? Why now? You were doing better, I thought?
I guess we just ran out of chances, huh?

We found your missing lens! I don?t know how it got there but it was buried inside one of the couches. Now, where are you hiding my watch?
I love you my darling. I always will?forever?

Post to widow support board:

I can feel the anger and resentment. I'm not sure who or what I'm angry
with.
I had some trouble with the kids last night and so I spouted off at Rich a
little--he always would say to me when I was sick, "Don't you leave me with
these kids!" It was sort of like a joke but it wasn't funny last night and I
told him I thought it was a dirty trick. I don't think he wanted to die or
intended to, and it didn't feel "right".
I wondered if I was angry with God. My daughter is and she's really clear
about that. "Why does God keep having bad things happen to us?" I kinda
wondered that myself. We've had more than the average. I can't think of any
lengthy period of time where there hasn't been a financial crisis or
disaster or some scary health issue.
I thought I might be angry with the doctor but then decided that isn't it
either. The doctor was genuinely shocked and horrified by what happened; he
didn't expect it. None of us did.
Am I angry with myself? At one in the morning, Rich woke up again and he
tried to go to the bathroom got dizzy and wet himself. I woke up shortly
thereafter and asked, "What's wrong?" he told me, sounding embarrassed, and
said he was nervous and tense, his heart was racing and he wanted to go
downstairs and watch TV. So I got him a change of shorts and went down with
him to get him settled. He seemed fine, just bothered by it all and he told
me to go back up to bed. Looking back, I should have called the doctor or
911...but he'd been in and out of a-fib, when he passed out in April, he'd
also wet himself, and we were told several times that although a-fib is
scary, it's not life threatening, many people have it. The doctor, when we
called earlier, said Rich should take more digoxin, relax and try to sleep.
Usually the afib would correct itself and if not, Rich could just come to
the office in the morning...
Except he was dead by then.
I am angry with myself. That feels "right" but the anger is directed
somewhere else too and I just haven't figured it out yet. Maybe I am one of
the ones who's afraid to be angry of God, afraid to bring down more wrath
and vendettas.
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Don't feel guilty if you crack a joke or laugh. Did you and Katherine crack
jokes together? Rich and I would get going, sometimes we had what's called
real gallows humor.
I laughed again several times at Rich's wake talking to his co-workers. We
all had Rich tales, but there was one on me, too. One lady said, "Oh, yes,
you're the one who would come and sleep in the parking lot and sometimes
leave the headlights on" and that got us talking about another funny
story...
well, Rich had a wonderful sense of humor. He would like it that I could
still laugh and smile.
I never met Katherine and don't mean to be presumptuous. Maybe she would
feel the same way.
But your feelings are your own and you work through them at your own pace. I
am still in a kind of shock myself. I'm not in any hurry to come out of it
either because I remember surgery--when the anesthesia wears off, it REALLY
hurts.
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Me