Message board post
June 28, 2001

My husband died rather unexpectedly at home sometime after 1:30 a.m. on May 23rd. My kids have various issues and some are just beginning to surface.
My son came downstairs and found my husband on the floor. He screamed for me. I thought that Rich might have fainted from an episode of a-fib but realized that was not the case as soon as I saw him. I had my son call 911 and then quickly take his sisters across the street to a neighbor. My son later told me he knew that his father was already gone but still, he asked me if I knew CPR and if the paramedics could save Rich. The kids all cried hard when I came back from the hospital and told them their father died.
Heidi had an argument with Rich the night before, just before the episode with a-fib began. The kids were all fighting and Rich had them go to bed early so they were all angry with him...and when they woke up, he was gone. So that piece of it has been hard for them. Heidi blamed herself and the counselor and I told her that she did not cause the a-fib (she didn't--Rich apparently just was a lot sicker than we realized) but I don't know if she believes it. She's having a lot of explosions of rage.
The youngest is begining to act out, tantrums, anger, stuff like that.
We are all in counseling and I signed the kids up for an 8 week bereavement group. This was a hoot. The kids had to answer a quesstion, why do you want to come to this group? They ALL said: "My mother is making me."

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I was handling things okay, I thought, and then school let out. I've been
trying to figure out where is the widows w/children board? I tried to sign
up for the list but have not been approved.
We couldn't afford to register the kids for camp and even now, based on DSS
criteria I don't qualify for aid so my son was confident that at 14 he and
his two sister 12 and 9 could manage. Well day 2 and I am home, had to leave
work early because one locked the other in the bathroom, one tried to gauge
another with her nails and the little one took refuge under her bed.
I got applications for the girls to go to daycare camp and am just waiting
for the doctor's paperwork. Meanwhile, though, I am SO angry I think *I* may
be dangerous. I am furious with Rich (WHY did he leave me? He was always
saying to me, don't you leave me with these kids and now he did it to me!)
and I'm angry with the kids. I can understand if this was a matter of
missing dad but you know what? It's just the SOSDD stuff that brought us to
counseling last year. The middle kid hates her sister and has never forgiven
us for having her. Doesn't matter that we take Heidi out for lunch, spend
extra time with her and so on. The therapist at the time was working with
Heidi on a "better" way to manage her anger and hostility.
I left work to come home and make sure that no one got hurt and I'm shaking
all over. I feel like such a rotten mother. This is really going to set us
way back financially and I really resent it that the two older kids can't
even control themselves for part of the day...Iget home at 3.
When the girls do go to daycare though, I'm not picking them up at 3, no
way. I'll pick them up at FIVE and I won't feel guilty about it either.
Sorry to be so explosive,
**************************





June 28, 2001

Hi sweetie,

Yesterday was one of those days when I was really pissed that I have been left alone here to deal with the kids. I don?t know if I was more pissed at you, at God, or at bad luck. They called me twice over the stupidest, pettiest things?fighting over the computer and because one is being bossy to another?Kristin is upset because both Billy and Heidi are mean to her. I really got mad and got paper work to put them in a camp. But we don?t qualify for social service assistance and one kid for eight weeks is over a thousand dollars. I don?t know if I could handle that what with having to pay the IRS AND the 401K and so on. So we made up a schedule of what time each kid would use the computer and the TV and I told the kids to stick to it! We?ll see if it works. If not, I?m going to have to bite the bullet and find a place for them to go.

The dentist worked on my tooth a little more today. Next time he?s just going to x ray while we wait to find out what the insurance company will pay for. The parking lot was finished but it was so hot yesterday that we all had to park ?..