June 26, 2001
Hi baby,

A new friend I met online, another widow named Helen, called me last night from Rochester. I think she?s lonely because she was telling me that she doesn?t have any other friends that she can relate to. She says she?s difficult to get to know and tends to speak her mind. Does this sound familiar?

Anyway she?s having a rough time because it?s been six months since her husband died and apparently people (particularly her sons) expect her to ?get over it?. She says she never hears from her husband?s relatives anymore and she used to be really close to them. She?s the one whose husband died of cancer at home and she told him to go to the light and she stayed with him until he died. Then she says she fell asleep next to him until the nurse came to pronounce him.

We talked for over an hour. It turns out that she watched Dark Shadows too and remembered the parallel time room because I told her I still feel as if I?m in this other room and just playing a part until we ?flip? back to real time, and that?s where you?ll be. After Helen and I got off the phone, I talked to Billy a little about it. He says that what I?m feeling is denial (ya think??) and I told him yes, I agree and that it?s normal. It?s my body?s way of shielding itself from the pain until I?m more ready to cope with it.

On the widows? message board someone started a naming contest for the Grief Monster, who comes without warning to catch you by the throat. After doing a lot of thinking I decided to call mine Dr.MoeDr.LarryDr.Curly. I thought you?d like that. I know you liked the stooges, particularly Curly. It seemed like this monster can be mean like Moe, poking at the eyes and punching in the stomach but it could also be befuddled, like Larry, and it could be just dingy like Curly. The other thing about Curly is that he would stand up to Moe, even if it was ineffectually. And I know how much you liked Curly?you did a great impression of him!

Yesterday I spent too much money at Applebee?s for dinner. I have to watch it! Billy and Kristin ordered full meals and desserts and it ended up costing us $80. I can?t do that kind of extravagant stuff anymore. Heidi?s meal was paid for by her Girl Scout troop. They also collected some money for me, which was very nice.

I just sat with Billy and Kristin during the dinner and waited for Heidi to finish. I guess I could have sat with the other mothers but I just didn?t feel like it.

I had to park on another street and then Ashley?s grandmother told me that the neighbors on that street aren?t very nice and they have a tendency to call the police and try to have the extra cars towed. That annoyed me. It?s a public street! Anyway, Marilyn (the grandma) told me that we could park in Pathmark and that the police would sent by extra patrols to keep an eye out for the cars. So I guess I will park there today.

My messages on widow support board:

Rich would say to me, "Do you know how much I love you?" I could FEEL it. He
also used to say to me that what he admired most about me was that I was
'strong'--that I wouldn't let anyone step on him or the kids, that I would
fight (advocate) for him and the kids, that I knew my own mind...and then on
the other hand, he'd get annoyed when I was wishy-washy about myself. He'd
tell me that I had no trouble saying what I wanted for Rich or for one of
the kids so why couldn't I speak up for myself? And he'd say I'd let myself
feel guilty too easily.
What did he like about our marriage? I think that we were friends but that
we also were very passionate together. As for dislike...probably he would
have liked more physical togetherness. He was a TVholic and I am a
computerholic. But, he'd always point out, at least we were in the same
room.

The memories I will always cherish: at night, he would lightly stroke my
hair. We'd snuggle together like two spoons and if not that, our legs would
cross or something like that. The last night: I remember sitting on the
floor beside him (he was lying on the sofa, trying to relax) and we talked
softly together. He took my hand and brought my fingers to his lips over and
over and sometimes he'd take the back of my hand and caress his cheek with
it. At the time I thought he was just anxious and needed the reassurance;
now I sometimes wonder if way deep down he knew something was up and he was
saying goodbye--without even knowing it.
*******************

I think of
the bond of love and trust between Rich and me. We were not wealthy
financially but I think emotionally we were. The financial problems and the
other inconveniences (broken down car, whatever) weren't too significant
because we really liked that saying 'don't sweat the small stuff'. The big
stuff was always family, friends, other people.
I was just remembering at the wake that nearly every single person Rich
worked with came and talked to me. They all had a story about something Rich
did to help, something he said that cheered them up, something he did to
make everyone just roll on the floor with laughter, how he lessened the
boredom of fellow employees' bored kids (no babysitters at the last minute)
with his collection of stuffed animals and toys...well, the list goes on and
on. His bosses forwarded copies of emails from clients the company dealt
with that talked about how much they would miss Rich because of his good
humor, his willingness to go the extra mile, and so on.
Abundance. That word makes sense to me today because I think that way of
Rich--he touched and changed my life, the lives of our children and he
touched other people too. And it seems that it was in a good way, and it
feels good.
****************

Rich used to dream about what we'd do when we retired together. Most
recently, he was going to get an RV and we were just going to tool around
the country. He was my best friend, and he died on May 23. My kids are about
the same age as yours, 14, 12, and 9. I focus on them but at the same time,
I know that it is time for them to develop into young adults and eventually
they will grow up and be on their own. I have NO idea what I will do then
either.
I do this one day at a time. And I have practically taken up residence on
this board. It really helps me.
I think that Kasa and Rich know how much we love and miss them.
****************

I thought I would look at the Fourth this way in terms of the kids and Rich
too...
In recent years, he was in a great deal of pain. Sometimes he couldn't come
with us to an event because it hurt too much to walk or he'd get tired (his
heart) and so we'd stopped doing a lot of things.
This year I am taking the children and we are meeting relatives and friends
at Jones Beach to watch the fireworks. When the children were small and Rich
was better, we used to walk to the lakefront (in Maryland) to watch the
fireworks and enjoy the fellowship of others. It's something he enjoyed a
lot in spite of his shyness.
So...when we go to celebrate, we bring Rich with us in our hearts and I want
to believe that his spirit soars there with us--and there is no pain now.
**********************