June 24, 2001
Sweetheart,

The kids and I visited your grandma for a couple of hours today. I really admire her so much! We walked around the grounds of the ?Old Folks? Home? (as she calls it) and we sat outside in the garden. It was so pleasant out there. She really can cruise along for a 90 year old lady!

I went back to the church again too and was happy to be back among the deaf people. It felt good, almost like home. I wish there were more deaf people in the congregation.

The one pastor was talking about the lack of commitment people have to churches today. They aren?t faithful worshippers or contributors. It made me wonder about how I really feel about God and church. I?m not sure, I?m confused. You?re gone from me. We keep having hard times. Should I be angry with God? I don?t know why I?m not?am I afraid to be? Or does my anger come out by the fact that I didn?t go to church for over 5 years? I felt like we were having so many problems that people just got tired of us. ?Oh no, here comes that Job family again,? I could hear them saying. Or maybe it was that Jonah family.

Your friend Helen wrote to me and said that these things happen to us so that we don?t get ?comfortable? with life here. And I had to laugh. When has our lives been comfortable? We?ve always had financial trouble dogging us, health problems and so on?I guess it?s like you asked, ?when is the better part?? I try to tell myself that I wasn?t bullshitting you?that the better is those fleeting moments between all the ?worse?.

The kids are being difficult again. I prayed to you in church today, did you hear me? I need your help, your backing?I miss you so much. It?s not just in caring for the kids. I just want to be able to talk to you and hold you again.

Anyway, Heidi is cranky and irritable almost all the time, and Kristin is turning rebellious and bratty all of a sudden. I?m guessing this is some of the ?acting out? Roseanne was talking about? I was with Janet C and her two kids at the pool and Heidi was being really bitchy about how I always give ?The Princess? (Kristin) her way. Janet sympathized. She got up to talk to a friend of hers and Heidi took away a toy that belonged to Ian, Janet?s son. Billy was trying to get it back and I was getting annoyed and then Heidi returned it and said something snotty about me. I decided I didn?t have to take any of this so I got up, got my things and left the pool. I guess I shocked everyone?I don?t care. I thought, why should I be treated this way? What crime did I commit?

Well that was Friday, that really sucked.
The car cost almost $1,000 to fix. I paid the funeral home almost $6,000 and by August first I have to pay off the 401K loan, another almost $8,000?I see the money just quickly slipping away. I hope I can manage this correctly. Give me strength, Rich, be with me, help me, I need you!

I am going to write to the E's, our landlords, to ask them if we can stay when the lease is up. I hope and pray they say yes.

On Saturday, I drove Billy to Wantagh for a magic cards tournament. He didn?t win. He went up against Jimmy, our neighbor, and it?s possible Jimmy cheated! I took Heidi and Kristin shopping. Last night we watched Fantasia 2000.

I had a feeling you were trying to communicate with that get well balloon I got for you. Were you? It bent down every now and then and blew into my face. I?d kiss the smiling face of the sun and say, ?Hi, Rich!? Heidi gave me a really funny look and said, ?Ohhhhhkay, Mom.? I noticed that when Kristin came to use the computer, though, she kissed the balloon, too.

I love you baby. On the Widownet board, people are trying to think up names for the Grief Monster, the one that grabs you by the throat when you least expect it. I tried to think of a name and I couldn?t remember any special names you had for anything.

And I?m trying to decide if the Grief Monster is a good thing or a bad thing. It would be the pain that hits when I realize that you are gone. It?s reality, really?and what would I call that?
I?ll always love you. I still have trouble believing that you?re really gone?
All my love, Me

Posts from Widow Support Board:

posted 06-24-2001 07:54 PM

I am wearing Rich's:
wedding ring on his silver chain around my neck;
his tee shirts to bed at night;
his socks whenever possible;
his shirts around the house.
I still have the mylar "Get Well" balloon I bought for Rich when he was
hospitalized with atrial fibrillation in April. They wouldn't let him have
it in CCU or on the cardiac floor so I brought it home and tied it to the
back of our picture. He seemed to like it when he came home from being in
the hospital. That balloon outlasted Rich. I still have it, it's still tied
to our picture.
I have Rich's:
pens
sticky note pads
notes to himself in his handwriting (tracked down his two best friends this
way)
his disks from work
all his stuffed animals and toys
scrapbook from his trip across the country when he was about 7
his babybook
almost all his shirts, shaving gear and after shave...
I wouldn't get rid of any of it, not now. I take the after shave and
sprinkle it over the bed and over the bear he won for me in the Poconos.
I am looking for his book of poetry. He used to write poetry before he met
me. Once I asked, "Why don't you write now?" and he said, "Because I'm not
depressed anymore." He wrote me two poems though. One is so private it's
just for us; the other I put on our website.
Sometimes I take the ring that is on the chain and if I'm watching a movie
or thinking about him I put the ring over my own wedding band. The chain is
so long the ring reaches easily.
He never took the ring off, not from the day we married. Even though I knew
he died at home it became "real" when the nurse gave me his ring in the
hospital.
What I couldn't keep: the boca-burgers. I'm not sure why. I got upset when I
saw them. He'd been trying so hard...and doing so well, it just didn't seem
fair. I couldn't throw them out. I gave them to someone who doesn't eat
meat.
**************************

posted 06-23-2001 09:40 PM

It's only been 4-1/2 weeks since Rich died so maybe it's too soon to answer but here goes...
1. I have not moved. I don't want to mostly because of the support available to my kids and to me in this district but also because all my memories of Rich are here.
2. I am renting the house. Hope the landlord will continue to rent to us.
3. I didn't replace anything in the bedroom.
4. I haven't gotten a new car yet but I probably will mostly because our car is on its last wheel rim.
5. I got a hair cut today but it's cut the same style I've worn, short short short. That's how I like it especially in the summer.
6. Haven't changed my job either and don't intend to.
7. I still have contact with his grandmother and his aunt. His sister called me once. Rich's brother was never close so I haven't called him and I was talking to Alberta, his dad's second wife the other day.
8. I was already taking medication for panic attack disorder, which I've had since I was 17.
9. My kids and I are in therapy
10. Do I feel my life was altered? YES
*******************


Sandy,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am 46, too, and I lost my love Rich on May 23. I still feel numb and a sense of disbelief. I was hit with an all-over gut wrenching pain recently as I realized that this was NOT a dream, not a movie, this is real (well, I mean, I've known it all along but it just didn't *feel* real). I am glad that you found this board. The people here are wonderful, very supportive, and they listen.
I've been practically living on this board since I found it. Every time I come online, I come here first.
**********************
posted 06-22-2001 09:45 AM

{{{{{{Shelby}}}}}
I'm sorry about the auction and that you have to move.I have three children. They are what keeps me going. I don't know that I would be in any kind of shape to cope at all if it wasn't for thinking of the kids and needing to make sure they're taken care of. Maybe I would have found something else but I don't know that. All I know is that I get up and go to work and I go on because it's what Rich would have wanted and because the kids need me.The other night I was really hurting and there was nothing anyone could say or do for me to feel better. I just wanted Rich back.
A friend called me and said "I wish there was something I could do" and I'd like to say the same thing...but what I said to my friend was, "There's nothing you can do right now. I just have to be with this pain."
I'm really sorry, Shelby.
********************

I am really glad that I found this board. It's only been 4 weeks but I can sense that people feel uncomfortable if I talk about Rich. So I don't. I keep a journal where I write letters to him but I want to be able to talk about him and share how I feel and I feel like I can do that here.
************************

I don't think you are being selfish to take care of your own needs. Rich and I came to that conclusion after he had surgery and then when his health started to fail. We realized that there was no way to keep up with family visits and so on. We did the best we could which was sometimes not more than mailing an e-card. And we looked out for each other and made sure our needs were met first as much as possible.
Two things I learned--I cannot give to other people if I don't give to myself (it's sort of a variation of love your neighbors...how could I love someone if I didn't love
myself first?) and like in the Rick Nelson song:
You can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself.
I think everyone else who posted is right on, too.
********************

Hi Linda,
People tell me tears heal. I've cried a lot but I have a feeling that it hasn't "hit" yet. I figure that when I start crying I'm just going to go with it, hoping that it will help.About taking medication, I have panic attack disorder and so I have been on medication for a long time. I only wondered one thing about the meds and that is I heard it interferes with your dreams. This is the kind of nutty things I think, I thought, if the medicine keeps me from dreaming, how will Rich visit me?
Linda, I kind of went into left field...the only other thing I can think is to be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. That was the other thing a friend told me who lost her husband about 8 months ago. She said to me, you'll cry until you think you have nothing left inside and then you'll still cry. But it's normal.