June 21, 2001
Sometimes I'll throw in a post I wrote on a bereavement support group message board. This one, I think, is my first:

Not long after Rich died I said to friends, "I wish Whoopi Goldberg would come knocking at my door". I had so many questions, so many things I felt guilty about and worried about with Rich. A few days later, I got a letter from an acquaintance who mentioned that she channels and does after death communications. She offered to do a session with me--free. Rich and I watched Jonathan Edward and we were really impressed. I had a funny feeling, wondered if Rich had heard me somehow...anyway, I called the acquaintance and said yes, I wanted to do a session.
It was a little weird at first. I wasn't sure if she was saying things to be comforting to me...but there were things she knew about Rich that she wouldn't have known otherwise.

I was comforted by the fact that Rich wanted me to go on to bed because although he wasn't aware at the time anything was going to happen, he did not want me to watch him die and he said there was nothing that anyone could have done to save him. That is what the doctor said. Rich said he wanted to be found as if he was sleeping--and he did look like he was sleeping. He didn't look afraid or like he was in pain and said that there was no pain, it was very fast.

That was comforting. I was going to try again when I was less emotional. The channeler said that Rich was very much still earthbound, torn between wanting to stay with us and being free to move on.

Rich said that the love and the space where he is now is unimaginably vast and that he loves me and the children, is with us a lot and watches us sleep.
I said I wished I could feel him more. Since then, the picture of us has backflipped off my desk several times, his "get well" balloon has flown into my face, and the scanner turned itself on--and it was his picture that came up.

I do believe he is with us. I just wish I could hold his hand and talk to him...




June 20, 2001
It?s been four weeks, Rich. It?s hard to believe that it?s been that long?or that short, or whatever. It seems like forever now. I still have flashback images that are a little blurred now, back to Billy calling, ?Mom, oh no! I can?t wake Dad!? and then seeing you on the floor and just KNOWING instinctively that you were gone. I hoped I would feel you somehow last night or today but maybe I?m just not in tune for it to happen. I am glad for the memories I have of you, they are very good ones. I still miss you very much.

I looked at the two health care packages and one of them is more expensive than the other, but it?s got all the doctors I?m seeing/will see in it. The other one only has Dr. Geri and I guess I could live with it. It?s just more convenient to go with the bigger package and it would still save us about $400 a month. I am going to see if I can?t pick up the dental coverage COBRA because I wouldn?t be able to get it privately.

Today is the last day of school for the kids?well, for Billy and Heidi anyway. I shut the air conditioning off but it might be really hot now so I was going to call and tell them how to turn it back on. It?s still kind of comfortable outside, Billy says.

I really lost it on one of the lists last night. I was so upset about being alone and you not being there and felt overwhelmed with the posts on this one list and so I unsubbed. Dawn called but I couldn?t talk to her, I was crying too hard. I just told her that it wasn?t her fault I was unsubbing and that there was nothing she could do to help. There really wasn?t anything. The only thing that would have helped is to have you back and that?s just not going to happen.

Why did this happen now? I really just don?t get it. You were doing so much better, you were watching your weight, and you seemed happier (although you were stressed with the kids that night) and wanted to be more active and involved in things. Why? It really was the furthest thing from my mind, and I just think to myself when you woke in the middle of the night with your heart racing and you?d accidentally wet yourself and felt dizzy I think WHY DIDN?T YOU CALL THE DOCTOR? I almost feel as if I killed you, that it was my fault, I should have known better.

If we?d gone to the hospital or the emergency room, they might not have had to use the cardioversion machine. Maybe they could have gotten your heart back under control with just the medication. I feel like I neglected you somehow and I know that through this after death communication S did that you said there was no blame it would have happened anyway, I can?t help but think: is she just saying that to make me feel better?

P.S. Sweetie, I had such a hard time at the pool and then again this evening. I had no idea that a memory could hurt so damn much. I took Kristin to the pool for a dip and it was fine at first. I got out of the pool and sat down and looked at the deep end and then it hit me. Last summer, we?d come to the pool and float around the deep end with those spaghetti floats. It was so relaxing. We?d link ankles and just float around, or one of us would tow the other. I would go into your arms and we?d kiss and neck like a couple of silly teenagers. And today?you weren?t there, and it hurt. I began to cry, silent tears streaming down my face. Luckily I was wearing dark glasses and water was dripping from me so people didn?t know although Kristin knew. She came over and gave me a hug but didn?t seem to know what to do. She wanted to be with her friends.
And that?s how it was with the kids. All three of them went out, it?s good, they should do that?but I was alone with the memories. And I thought, my God, in the other days, if all the kids had gone out like that you and I would run up to the bed room to make the most of the opportunity. But you weren?t here, and I was all alone. I cried so hard my chest hurt and I thought my heart would stop or I?d have a heart attack or something, I?d just break apart. But I didn?t. I put your ring on my finger and tried to feel you. All I felt was pain and more pain. I just wish I could feel you, touch you, and talk to you?anything. I miss you, my love, so very much.