Hi sweetie,
All that worrying about the test results was for nothing! I am really annoyed with Carol, the PA at Dr. Geri?s office. She was the one that told me the test results were abnormal and needed to be further investigated; that I needed a biopsy and blah blah blah.
I showed up to see Dr. Linder after work yesterday and he did a complete physical exam, but not a pap. We had to call to get the test results faxed to his office and meantime, I told him what Carol said about how she could read the results to me but I probably wouldn?t understand them. When the test results came, the test just said ?atypical squamous cells, non-reactive? and Dr. Linder said that was the best possible ?abnormal? result I could have had. Anything could have caused those cells?could have been too close to the beginning or end of my cycle, stuff like that. So I was really relieved.
And when I got home, Elfie was calling again. She just had this feeling that she should call and so she did.
I called the school today to ask for help in paying for eye exams and glasses for Billy and Heidi, and the nurse was more than willing to help out. That?s taken care of now. I got Billy?s high school schedule. It looks like he?s going into Humanities English after all, as well as Regents Earth Science. Billy still wants to take Earth Science and Math 1A in summer school but I told him he?d have to clear it with the counselor first. I think it?s an awful lot of work and it?s going to be too darn hot but?it would keep him out of trouble.
Today?s the first time I did any substantial amount of interpreting, for this one student. He had his work checked and I was there with him for like an hour and a half. Heidi called in the middle of that. I think she was lonely and just wanted someone to talk to so I said she could call back at lunch time, at 11:45.
I hope I did the right thing. Billy called around 11 and wanted to go next door to play with his friend, Jimmy. That left Heidi home alone. She called and just wanted to talk which was okay and then she was using the computer to send Instant Messages to Sharon. Then she called to ask if she could go to Sharon?s house and hang out, and I said yes. They won?t be able to do that all the time because once school is out someone will have to stay and watch Kristin.
Thinking about it made me feel really sad. It?s natural for the kids to break free and go off on their own with their friends?but where does that leave me, kid? It was supposed to be you and me?and now you?re not here. What am I to do when all the kids want to be with their friends and I miss you? I feel ? I don?t know, cheated somehow I guess. I was cheated of the opportunity to enjoy time alone with you as the kids grew and got independent. I think I would lie down and cry if I wasn?t at work.
And I?m trying to decide what to do with Kristin when she gets home. Do we clean her room? Do I take her to the pool? This really sucks, Rich!
At the hospital, that?s when I knew for sure without any doubt at all that you were gone?a nurse brought me your wedding ring and I just totally went to pieces. I am wearing your ring on a chain around my neck?the same silver chain you were wearing when you were taken to the hospital in April.
And do you know that the balloon is still there? It?s still tied to our picture. I thought about taking it down; in a way it seems to be mocking: ?Get well? it says. And you didn?t?but I can?t bring myself to get rid of it. I wonder how long it will last?
See you later,
I love you and miss you terribly,
Me
P.S. Sweetie, I had such a hard time at the pool and then again this evening. I had no idea that a memory could hurt so damn much. I took Kristin to the pool for a dip and it was fine at first. I got out of the pool and sat down and looked at the deep end and then it hit me. Last summer, we?d come to the pool and float around the deep end with those spaghetti floats. It was so relaxing. We?d link ankles and just float around, or one of us would tow the other. I would go into your arms and we?d kiss and neck like a couple of silly teenagers. And today?you weren?t there, and it hurt. I began to cry, silent tears streaming down my face. Luckily I was wearing dark glasses and water was dripping from me so people didn?t know although Kristin knew. She came over and gave me a hug but didn?t seem to know what to do. She wanted to be with her friends.
And that?s how it was with the kids. All three of them went out, it?s good, they should do that?but I was alone with the memories. And I thought, my God, in the other days, if all the kids had gone out like that you and I would run up to the bed room to make the most of the opportunity. But you weren?t here, and I was all alone. I cried so hard my chest hurt and I thought my heart would stop or I?d have a heart attack or something, I?d just break apart. But I didn?t. I put your ring on my finger and tried to feel you. All I felt was pain and more pain. I just wish I could feel you, touch you, and talk to you?anything. I miss you, my love, so very much.