Hi sweetheart,
I?ve had lots of computer trouble and other problems ? it almost seemed like there was a conspiracy to keep me from writing. ;-) The hard drive kept crashing again and then when I went to use the kids? computer it turned out that I somehow locked myself out of the journal. And yesterday when I came to work, the computers here wouldn?t even read the disk!
Kristin?s spring concert was last night and you would have been so proud of her. She played really well?they all did, considering they?re just third graders, and then the chorus just sounded lovely. There was one song they sang called ?The Rainbow Connection? and I just cried. Billy put his arm around me. I was thinking about you and hoping that you were enjoying the concert as much as we did. We sat with Ashley?s grandmother and aunt. Later on we meet the P's at Baskin Robbins and I invited them to come back to the house. We talked until after ten at night.
I think you would have liked the P's too and I thought to myself, why didn?t we do this before? I know you wanted to. What the hell was wrong with me? It was just like with Dawn and Jim, Elise and Scott P are really nice too. She?s a computer trouble-shooter and he is a teacher who likes motorcycles and techie stuff. He has everything wired together so that through the computer he can make audio and video copies of stuff. He reminded me a little of you. Apparently he?s not one to put up with BS either. Other than that he was pretty chatty. You could be that way too after you warmed up to people. I don?t know, maybe Scott would have struck you as a bit of a know-it-all too.
Anyway, backtracking a bit, we went to the picnic on Saturday and I thought we?d just stay for a little while, say hello to a few people, and stay long enough to be polite and then go but come back later. At just about the last minute, I decided to take your chair?the one we bought for you and you only sat in it one time. :-( Billy carried it for me and helped set it up near the deaf tables.
I just sat and watched and listened for a while. Hearing those deaf voices was comforting to me. It reminded me of other picnics I?d been to with my parents and their friends at the beach. I felt safe. I didn?t feel like approaching anyone just then, just sat back watching and relaxing.
After a while, though, someone approached me and said hello. They were all on the deaf ministry committee. We talked for a little while and then they brought me to a table to introduce me to the deaf parishioners of the church (there?s only 4 or 5 but there were about 20 or 30 of their friends at the picnic!) and you know what? They all knew my parents, my aunt, my uncle and one remembered me from when I was a kid! So we spent the whole afternoon there talking. I had so much fun and so did the kids. They played and got dirty and sweaty and everyone ended up taking a shower. What a beautiful day it was!
Sunday was harder. We went to church again and I was okay but then during Holy Communion I thought of you and missed you and started to cry a little. This is so weird how I feel. I feel like I?m acting in a play, that none of this is real. But then all of a sudden I?ll get hit with a thought: Rich is not coming back! And it?s like reliving it all over again. I think: no, no, it wasn?t supposed to be like this, it CAN?T be like this?
A friend of mine named Jane Peoples sent me a book called How to Survive the Loss of a Love and I read a page of it and it sounds like what I?m feeling is very typical. And that?s what I hear from other people too. I don?t know how long I?ll be stuck in this stage. I don?t like it very much.
After church on Sunday, Kristin went to Jessica P?s birthday party at the bowling alley. That was something of a disaster. Originally I was planning to take Billy and Heidi to see Oma and I talked to Elise about taking Kristin after the party. I thought I asked her to pick her up too but I?ve gotten a lot of things screwed up in my head.
Anyway, Heidi didn?t feel well and didn?t want to go to see Oma and so we decided to put it off another week or two. It was getting closer to one and I was getting sleepy but no Elise. Finally I realized I must have misunderstood and so I took off with Kristin. What a mess! Of course, I couldn?t find the bowling alley right away and so we were a half hour late. Kristin was okay with that but I was really shaken and upset.
Afterwards, Elise took the kids to Adventureland on Rt. 110. I tried to sleep but I just couldn?t. My eyes were wide open in spite of being tired and I think it was from thinking of you and missing you. I sort of realized that we should have had a Plan B in case so we could be doing something else. Next time I?ll know?
Linda called and I talked to her for a little while. I also went into the Bereavement Journey chat room because there was supposed to be a medium there but she never showed up and I was really bummed about that. Nancy S (one of the people I write with online for A New Vintage?the online continuation of Falcon Crest) called and we talked a good long time and that was helpful. I felt better.
Steve, the financial advisor, came over to the house before the concert and I opened up a mutual fund account to grow the money. We?ll be okay, it looks like. I need to pay the tax bills and I?ll pay the credit card balances and then I think we can get by. I just still would much rather be living life with you, my love. I miss you so much, I try not to think about it or deal with it.
The girls are still sleeping in our bed and I have not wanted to chase them out because I just do NOT want to be alone. I don?t think I?d sleep well. I still hug Bubba Bear close at night. He still smells of your after shave. Whenever it fades a little I sprinkle more on him.
Billy wants to take summer school classes in math and science so that he will be in a more advanced placement for next year. You?d be proud of him. He and Heidi were both working hard on homework last night. Our kids really are terrific kids in the long run, you know that.
I love you so much. I wear your wedding ring on your chain around my neck. The ring sometimes gets caught between my humongous breasts but it?s okay?it?s safe there and as close to my heart as possible. I still shake my head in wonder?Rich is not coming back. How can that be? It really wasn?t supposed to happen like this?