Hi sweetie,
Today was a topsy turvy kind of day. Claire called and two guys brought your stuff from your desk and cubby. I asked one of the guys, ?Did you know Rich?? and he said something like, yeah we used to smoke together all the time or something like that?were you smoking? God I hope you weren?t that stressed out.
It was really hard looking at your stuff. We took out the rubber plant and put it where it could get light. But then when I looked at your stuffed animals, toys, pictures?well, I just lost it. Especially when I saw the Casablanca figures. I cried and Billy comforted me. Later on Kristin and I looked through a box and she found ten pictures of you and her together and it wasn?t enough and she cried.
Tomorrow I?m going to social security and trying to take care of these forms, trying to keep on track and take care of us all. Janet called tonight and we talked a long time. I bought plants for Annie and Sagi, our neighbors, and also for Janet they have been so kind through all of this. I don?t know how I would have gotten through those first awful days without them.
I still feel like I?m in a dream. I laugh, I talk normally, I carry on?and I look at myself and think, how can you do this? What?s wrong with you? You?ve lost your best friend, your lover, your husband! How can you act like nothing?s happened?
Helen said you would not want to come back now that you have crossed over and are in heaven. I can see the point, there is no pain, it?s glorious, and you?re with our Savior and our Father?why would you want to come back here? It?s just that I feel selfish. I didn?t want you to go. I didn?t have enough time with you. I miss you terribly.
Oh Rich, I wish I could turn the clock back a week, back to Monday and Tuesday. I would do it all different. No pizza dinner. No getting upset about the kids. Or I would have stayed with you when you got up that second time. I just can?t get that out of my head. I love you. I?ll always love you.