Good morning, Rich,
Dawn called me yesterday after she and Jim got back to Albany. I think you would have liked Jim very much, and Dawn, too, of course. Jim likes the Mets and has a real common sense attitude about things, and he was very kind to Billy. Billy was just talking away during dinner and Jim didn?t brush him away. And Dawn?I am so touched that they came all the way down here to see you off. It was the first time I?d met Jim and Dawn and it was so sad that this had to be the way we met, but?there will be other times.
I came downstairs this morning and found Billy sleeping on the couch. He got up around 4 I guess. I talked to him about not stuffing his feelings. He?s been so good, Rich, trying to act like a man and he?s been carrying himself off very well, with great dignity and courage. You would be proud of him, I know it.
I am glad for the day we spent at Jones Beach on Easter Sunday. Remember? It was cool but sunny and we thought it would be great just to go down and beach comb a little. The sand was so warm that we were comfortable sitting there while the kids went up and down gathering shells. And you and I began necking like a couple of teenagers. The kids went ?ewwww? but I think inside, it made them feel good to see that we loved each other.
I remember how your beard felt, the texture of your skin; I remember how soft your lips were as we kissed. I rubbed your belly. You know that I always loved to touch you and yes, I am grateful that as the years went by you became less ticklish and sensitive to that because I never tired of caressing you when I was near you.
Anyway, the kids got soaking wet because they said the water wasn?t that cold. Billy dug up some sand crabs and he and the girls and you were absolutely fascinated. I passed pictures around to everyone yesterday.
And there was the most recent day when we went shopping?it was to Walgreen?s, remember? And you picked out the Snoopy notepaper to write letters? We picked up your new lunch bag/cooler and some other things. I think you got to use that lunch bag just a couple of days, sweetheart, but I?m going to take it now. I?m going to try to eat healthy and make salads with the kids the way you used to.
Anyway, I just remember making more outward trips with you recently and it was really encouraging. I wish we hadn?t gotten that pizza dinner Tuesday. I wish I hadn?t been such a baby about having the sinus headache. I think we would have been better off with the left over chicken. This might not have happened?and again, it?s all with the what ifs and woulda coulda shoulda. I should stop that, I know. I feel terrible when I think these things.
Sometimes I catch myself still looking for you and when I realize you are not coming back, I feel devastated.
Janet and I were talking about Ian, he?s really a challenge for her and I was going to loan her The Difficult Child. Heidi and Kristin were sniping at each other and I had to bring them outside so I could talk to Miriam.
I?d invited Janet to come for coffee or tea and my uncle Russell called from California!! It?s been YEARS since I talked to him. I didn?t realize it, but Aunt Lee died last May. So he knows what I am feeling. He had a connection to Lee that I think I had with you, it?s just that he had her longer, 57 years. And I talked to Aunt Joyce?she and Matthew came to the funeral service and I didn?t get much chance to talk to her but we are going to see her tomorrow. I am going to take some pictures of you and me and Jones Beach.
You know what I realized? I don?t think I have your voice on tape anywhere. And all of a sudden, I?m beginning to ?lose? the sound of it. I hate that. I have the picture of us at the Summit looking at me on the desk and I am going to hang up our wedding picture and some other pictures.
Sweetheart, I went to the 200 Club list and I did a search on your posts and I read some of them. My God you were so full of wisdom and great advice for the members. I hope you were just kidding with your comment about not asking to use the computer at home. I would have let you. I wish I?d spent more time offline with you, just like I did most recently, leaning up against you. I miss it, I miss your touch and I miss having you to lean on, literally and figuratively speaking. I miss feeling your arm around my waist in the bed. The girls sleep with me. I know they shouldn?t but even I don?t want to be alone. I haven?t asked them to leave.
I was telling Janet I wished I could talk to you to make sure you are really all right. I would like to know for sure that you weren?t afraid; you didn?t feel abandoned or alone. I wish you?d come to me in a dream or something. I?ve tried to ?feel? you and I?m not sure if I do or not. I guess I need a Whoopie Goldberg character?like from ?Ghost??or maybe even Jonathan Edwards. Rich, I miss you. I know I keep repeating myself but I do?good night my sweetie. I?m going to try to read for a little while