Good morning, my love,
Today has been as cold and dreary and rainy as it has been all week. We?re having two visitations with you today, one this afternoon and one this evening. I talked with many of your relatives yesterday and your Aunt Terri and I nearly flooded Long Island with our tears. Billy is busy making a cross stitch for the visitation?he?s hoping to finish it. I?m not sure that he can but I didn?t want to discourage him. Heidi?s going to finish your sewing project. The girls made zoom-in pictures of you from the computer. I just feel this ache; a piece of me is missing and that is you.
I found those stupid black pants that caused the big search on Monday night and as I looked at them I wondered how much they contributed to all of this. Questions, questions, recriminations, and more questions. If I?d looked more carefully?if we hadn?t had the pizza dinner?if I?d just taken you to the emergency room that second time maybe it would all be different. I just keep thinking to myself that I should have known better?I think you were trying not to scare me. You always wanted to protect me from that and you even said, ?I?m sorry you have to keep going through this.? But I would go through it willingly if I had you back.
I?ve done some things mechanically in order to help the kids and me. I opened up a checking account because there are many, many friends who want to send money to help us. I am going to apply for survivor benefits for the children but I am going to keep working. If I can swing the COBRA I?m going to do it and deduct it from our taxes. I?m going to try and hang in here if I can and see what happens.
I?ve stressed a lot about things but always ultimately I was comforted by your presence and your ?we?ll get through this.? I almost hear you saying it now. I would like to think you ARE saying it to me. I would like to think that you are here, watching over us. I don?t know if I?m supposed to feel your presence or just KNOW it. I?m just so confused and lonely for you.
I don?t think you wanted to leave us. Someone said (to make me feel better I guess) that maybe you had me go back upstairs because you sensed something was going to happen and didn?t want it to be in front of me. I had this feeling I should have stayed with you. I guess I could go on with this forever and ever. I think I could accept it better if I?d stayed with you and KNEW for sure there was nothing I could have done to save you. Well, like I said, sweetheart, I am full of self-recriminations today, justified or not.
Oh, baby, I miss you so much?.