Dear Rich,
People have been wondering: how did this happen? This is stuff you and I already know but later it may help me to remember if I?m asked. Last month, around April 25, you had an episode of atrial fibrillation that wouldn?t go away. You fainted at work, just for a few minutes, but you fell forward onto your face, scraping your nose and the glasses cut into the bridge of your nose. Your co-workers were all for calling 911, but you said you had to return a call first and you did. And then you called me and you said very calmly, ?I need you to pick me up. I got dizzy and sort of fell.? I thought maybe you twisted your ankle and so I wasn?t really scared when I drove to pick you up.
When I pulled up in front of NPD, though, and saw the ambulance and the police cars, I about had a stroke. Someone ran out and called to me, ?It?s not what you think, it?s not what you think.? And I went inside and you were on the stretcher looking sheepish and annoyed. You were embarrassed because you?d wet yourself while you were unconscious. When the medics brought you out of the building you looked at the car and said, ?You left the lights on!? That was so you, my darling.
At the hospital, you were admitted into the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit and the machine kept beeping and going off because you were still in atrial fibrillation (a-fib). It was unnerving, remember? You didn?t like it. And when I came to see you at lunch the next day, you were scared because they were going to do the cardio-version procedure on you. I held your hand, we comforted each other. The procedure worked on the fourth time, and you felt the shock coming out of the anesthesia. You said it was like ?a bolt of lighting? had gone through your chest. You said you saw a blue-white flash of light even though your eyes were closed. The pain, you said, was impossible to describe and that it was good it was over in a flash because you wouldn?t have been able to stand it otherwise. And then you felt much better because you were back in a normal sinus rhythm.
You were moved to the cardiac floor and although you could have TV and radio, we both chafed to get you home where you belonged. All that held us up was that pulmonary function test and once that was done, we came home. And you seemed to be feeling much better. We went to see Roseanne, the counselor, and we talked about how we could deal with Billy and Heidi better. And there were the trips to the stores where we bought the stuff we would take on picnics?
And then I got sick, some sinus infection, and I lost my voice. I couldn?t talk on Mother?s Day. Around the house, things were up and down. There were spats with the kids because they didn?t want to do their chores. It?s always been that way?except right now they?re being better?for the moment. But you are watching and so you know that I?m also doing a lot of it. I shouldn?t but I just can?t handle the stress we were dealing with asking them to help. And Billy has been terrific with helping! I don?t have to ask him twice except for a couple of times.
Monday and Tuesday was yucky and rainy and I had sinus headaches each day. On Tuesday we just decided spur of the moment to get the family pizza special from Marino?s and we sat around watching TV and I think there was some tension then because the kids didn?t want to clean up after themselves. And your sister called during the ending of ?That 70s Show? and although you were glad to talk to her I remember you said she didn?t have great timing. It was just another normal kind of night with you watching TV and me on the computer?you said it didn?t bother you and I honest to God hope you weren?t fibbing about that.
And then around 11, you looked at me and said in a soft, scared voice, ?It?s happening again.? And I immediately got off the computer and said, ?Do you want to go to the emergency room?? and you said, ?I don?t know?? and so I said, let me call the cardiologist and we?ll do what he wants.
I talked to Dr. Maisel. We were just there on Saturday for your echo!!! That?s what is so hard about all this. You had an EKG when we saw Dr. Mercurio the week you got out of the hospital, followed by the echo, and then we were to see the electro-cardiologist at North Shore. Anyway, Dr. Maisel reminded us that a-fib isn?t life threatening in itself. Many people live with it and don?t know they have it. If it becomes problematic it?s treated with medication or cardioversion. He said for you to take another digoxin, to lie down and try to sleep and see if you didn?t fall back into a normal sinus rhythm. If not, call in the morning for an appointment.
I sat with you and we watched TV. You were scared, I could tell. You held my hand and brought it to your mouth and under your chin and that?s when you said you were so sorry you kept putting me through this. And I said, ?There?s nothing to be sorry for. You didn?t do anything. And besides, marriage is for better or worse, sickness and health??
And you said, trying to hold back the tears, ?I know but when will the better part come??
And I said, trying to be light, ?It?s the bits and pieces between the worse.? We told each other about how much we loved each other.
You seemed to be feeling better and so we went up to bed. And that?s where I get the self-recriminations. You were having trouble sleeping, I tried to soothe you and then I guess I fell asleep myself for an hour. I woke up around 1 and you were sitting up. ?Are you all right?? I asked.
You?d been to the bathroom and had begun to feel dizzy again and had to sit down and you?d accidentally wet yourself again, would I get you another pair of underwear? Right then I should have taken you to the hospital.
?How do you feel now??
?My heart is still racing,? you answered. You said you wanted to come downstairs and watch TV, so we came down together. I wanted to make sure you didn?t fall. You were settled on the sofa and looked upset but otherwise all right. I brought you my water if you wanted it.
?I?ll sit up with you,? I said. ?I?ll lie down on this couch.?
?No,? you said. ?You go on to bed. You need the rest.?
I look back now and think: you should have stayed with him. He was scared. He was dizzy earlier; you should have known to call for an ambulance then and there. Why didn?t I? It?s just that you?d had the episodes before and I honestly believed Dr. Maisel was right and that you would be okay. And if you?d said, ?Stay? or ?Call 911? I would have done it in a New York minute?
The phone was on the floor in the morning. What happened after I left you? Did you call to Billy and me and we were so deeply asleep that we didn?t hear you? Did you try to go to the phone for help? And we never heard a crash to the floor. I never heard a sound until I suddenly woke at 6 a.m. and thought to run downstairs to help with making lunches.
As I got up, I heard Billy cry out, ?Oh, no! Mom, mom! I can?t wake Dad!? and I began running. Billy was coming up the stairs as I ran down. He thought you?d fainted but he couldn?t rouse you. And when I went to you, I knew it was already over. You were lying flat on your back, stretched out on the floor between the sofa and the love seat. It?s as if you were standing at the desk and then fell straight back?but why didn?t we hear it? I knew you were gone. Your face was a chalky bluish color and the blood was pooling back in your forehead. I touched your hand and it was ice cold.
Still?
I told Billy to call 911. I tried to do what I remembered of CPR, but it was more for Billy?s sake. I knew you were gone and had been for a long time. Your fingers were half curved and stiff. You just looked like you were sleeping. You didn?t look like you were in pain or terror or anything. Later a doctor told me you must have decompensated into ventrical fibrillation; you must have passed out almost immediately and suffered no pain. It looked like it was true. After you were pronounced, I talked to someone about donating your organs because I remember that?s what we both wanted.
Your brother Steven came to pick me up. I sat beside you, holding your hand and caressing you and I kissed you goodbye. Poor Steven couldn?t look at you but I think he was really upset and that?s why. And then the neighbors came over with food and support and gifts and it?s been that way since?until yesterday. I think that now everything is over the calls and visits are going to stop and so I have to make the effort and get my ass up and moving.
Anyway, that?s what led up to everything that happened. I?ll sit here and write about our lives together. It?s something you already know but you?ll be more patient with me won?t you? Sometimes you?d tell me the same story twice but when it got to the third or fourth time, I?d say something and you?d go something like, ?Well, excuuuuuuse me? like Steve Martin did. I have to get this stuff down because it?s good for me to do it and because I am determined we?ll all remember who you were.
I?m going to search around and try to find your poems and your old pictures and I?m going to make a page dedicated to you, with you pictures, poems, and the stuff other people wrote about you on it. I hope you?ll be pleased. It?s the least I can do for all of the wonderful things you did for me.
I love you. I?m going to stop writing here and then come back later?
Always yours