4:48 a.m.
Dear Rich,
I woke up at 4:30 this morning with this feeling of ? I?m not sure what to call it. It?s not dread but it is?it?s a whole mixture of unpleasant feelings. Teddy was supposed to come out this weekend but he bailed in plenty of time because it?s his grandson?s birthday party today. First he invited me and the kids but none of us felt comfortable about going. Then I volunteered to drive out and see him again on Sunday.
At first he protested. It isn?t fair, he said. I told him he could take the next two turns and that seemed to be satisfactory. All week we?ve been emailing each other, teasing each other, and talking on the phone for hours.
So what?s wrong? There?s a couple of little things bothering me. He was telling me that he was worried about driving an untitled car. There was some complicating reason why the car hadn?t been signed over to him for a year. It sounded incredible to me that he would drive at all so I asked him why he didn?t get stopped by a cop because of an expired registration. Oh no, Teddy exclaimed, the registration and insurance were all up to date and paid for. So I?ve been wondering just what is going on? He could drive that car in spite of not having the title in his name. Last night he told me he was really mad that the mess hadn?t been straightened out yet, and I wondered if he wasn?t beginning to drop hints about not coming here next weekend.
When I told him I?d come see him on Sunday, I was really being very selfish. The kids haven?t helped me clean around the house. Billy is going to some tournament in the city?I gave him $40 (why? He hasn?t done anything to really earn it!). Heidi and Kristin have been irritable and sniping at each other. I guess I just decided I wanted to get away and have the day to myself and Teddy.
Last night, though, Kristin began to ask questions about going to visit Teddy. Staying home is boring she says. I thought: what are we going to do with a 10 year old? How can we make out? First I suggested she go to a friend?s house to play. She didn?t want to do that.
I guess it must have been bothering me overnight because that?s what woke me up at 4:30. I had this feeling I should make excuses and bail out. Tell the truth, the little voice inside me says. Is it fair to do this at the last minute? I ask. Maybe I?m just bailing because it?s all a part of this dodging getting together with friends behavior.
Teddy is a sweet, wonderful man. He makes me feel special and desireable. He is getting that from me, too. It?s a new and wonderful love we?re feeling.
But ? there?s the car. And I still can?t understand why his daughter would have such serious problems with her teeth. I know that she dropped out of school and left home at an early age. Maybe that?s it? Maybe it was living on her own and not getting any kind of attention?
I guess it began to bother me a little when Robin came to see me on Wednesday. She said to make sure I didn?t do all the driving; that Teddy should be coming to Long Island. Elfie called me on the phone and while she?s happy for us, she said the same thing. It?s only fair to go back and forth equally.
So now what?
Help me figure this out, Rich, please ? I need guidance here. I should be praying to God or Jesus but you?re so much closer to me. I just need a sign to show me that what I am doing is the right thing?
Love you,
Me