Hi Rich,
The two computers are just driving me crazy. I shut my ?new? one off after I thought I?d gotten all my stuff off (of course I didn?t and now I?m missing the entire month of April?s entries). Sometimes I think you are doing everything in your power to bring Teddy and me together and other times I think I?m being sabotaged! The big example is the ongoing problems with these darn computers.
Not only was the first one balking at doing anything, this old one acted up terribly too. Both computers were especially stubborn about not doing anything that had to do with Teddy?i.e. sending him a post, a card, whatever. The problem really started in earnest on Sunday morning before I left for New Jersey. The computer kept freezing and I had to reboot it several times. It was really frustrating.
Anyway, I left for New Egypt at about 10 in the morning. I was leaving the kids on their own for the most part and was thinking they should be fine. I asked Janet Carson, my neighbor, if the kids could call her if they needed to. She seemed surprised that I would leave the kids alone for so long. I was a bit taken aback and wondered if I was being neglectful or something. But then Phil and Miriam next door, and Dan & Robin all said THEY would keep an eye on/ear out for the kids. I was soooo relieved.
I bought a butterfly balloon for Teddy and off I went. I was feeling really good about seeing him. I called him from the Jersey turnpike around noon and then was at his house about a half hour later. He was standing out in his front yard talking to some neighbors and came over to shyly give me a big hug. I hugged him back and gave him the balloon. He was delighted with it and then remembered he wanted pictures so he got his digital camera and had the neighbor take our picture. They came out soooo nice, Rich.
We went inside the house and Teddy gave me a very large stuffed bear with a sweet hand designed card. We started to smooch a little and then we sat down on the sofa. It was incredible. I remember Teddy got up to shut the blinds and close the door but what I remember most of all was the kissing. You know, we spent two hours kissing. I have never kissed a man like that for so long. Somewhere in there, I put Teddy?s hand on my breast because I figured he was shy.
?Is that what you what?? he asked hoarsely.
I know that Teddy is spiritual and I wanted what would make him comfortable. So I told him it was okay for him to touch. I asked if I could touch him and he said yes. So as we were kissing I let my hands go down his back, scratching and massaging, rubbed his belly and moved my hand down further.
We took a breather and Teddy asked what we should do. He originally wanted to wait and was wavering a little, and so was I. That he was willing to hold back so that it was special touched me so much and so I told him I could be patient and wait. So we went back to kissing and I tried not to touch him in the really sensitive erogenous zones?that just didn?t seem fair. He began to go under my sweater and I was just tingling all over so I whispered softly I needed to stop. He stopped and when we looked at his watch, we realized 2 hours had passed!
We went out to a really nice Japanese restaurant. I ate with chopsticks for the first time, tried sushi and some soup that tasted just awful but I wanted to try it. We drove to and from the restaurant holding hands and just talking. Teddy enjoyed having me hold his hand and caress his fingers. You were so sensitive to touch, Rich, remember? It took a long time before you could tolerate my caresses. I always felt kind of bad about that because I just wanted to touch you all over but it would have been like torturing you.
And Teddy loves it.
I didn?t think it was possible for me to love anyone again after you, Rich, but I love Teddy. It?s not the same. In some ways, like with the kissing and the touching, it?s so exhilirating. And it?s wonderful to have someone to talk to that enjoys the same stuff as me. We sing songs together. It?s just so wonderful.
And I thank you Rich. If it wasn?t for you, I would not be who I am now and I wouldn?t be loving and caring for Teddy the way I do. I love you so much for every little thing you ever did for me my dear. I told Teddy that when you died it felt like half my heart was ripped away. A scar formed over the wound, and that is my warm wonderful memories of you. And now I?m beginning to grow a whole heart again?and the other half is Teddy.
Love and gratitude always,
Me