Hi sweetie,
If things had gone as planned, we'd be on our way to Teddy's or AT Teddy's and then on our way home later. But you know what they say about the best laid plans...we are in Ashland, Virginia. I had real trouble driving today. I hope it's not like this tomorrow.
It's daylight savings time (as of last night) and the clocks moved an hour forward. Our alarm went off at 6:30 this morning to make sure we had time to eat breakfast. The continental breakfast buffet in this particular Comfort Inn was much shorter than any of the others...from 6 to 9 a.m. All of us were pretty groggy this morning. We checked out earlier than we had been, too--at about 9:30.
About an hour or so after we'd begun driving, I began to feel REALLY SLEEPY. Uh-oh, I thought. I found a place to pull over so I could walk around and go to the bathroom. There were moments where I felt as if I would just fall asleep, and that was scary. It occurred to me that I was driving impaired...I hadn't had any klonopin yet but the paxil was making me sleepy on top of being tired. Not good.
An hour after that, I felt groggy and sleepy again and opened my window. The girls complained they were cold and I explained why I needed the window open. Dramatic change of climate here! From being warm and humid, it's become dry and very cool. My runny nose and sinus problems are back. :P Anyway, we decided to stop at McDonald's and eat. I got a cup of coffee with my meal.
The coffee held me almost two hours and then I was very groggy and sleepy again. I pulled over to a Burger King to buy some coffee. Billy was concerned. He'd turned on the fan so that cool air was blowing on my face. I appreciated that. That second cup of coffee really helped the last hour of the drive.
Finally we got to Ashton and checked in! I called Barbara in Alexandria to apologize for not being able to visit. She understood although she sounded upset. She said her son-in-law told her the traffic going north on 95 was horrendous. Actually I'm glad to be HERE today because I think EVERYONE will be on the road to go back home/school today. I'll be the turnpike is a mess. I'm sure it'll be easier to travel tomorrow.
I called Teddy to let him know that we were here. We talked for a few minutes and flirted again. I found out that he was born at Langley Airforce Base in Virginia, near the CIA. He asked what the kids would like to drink with dinner and asked what time I thought we'd be arriving. He enjoys talking to me a lot, said that he'd be up in the clouds with a smile on his face for a couple of hours and I told him he was sweet. He said he thought I was sweet.
:-) We are both too cute! Anyway, he also said he was glad I had a good time and I said I was grateful to learn that I am capable of driving over bridges and then I wouldn't be afraid to come to NJ to see him. He responded that he isn't afraid to come to Massapequa Park. He was looking up the directions on the map and he said it doesn't look too bad at all. So we ended on an upbeat note with cyber hugs and kisses.
I don't know where all this is going, Rich. No one can replace you, but loving you has seemed to open up a place in my heart that holds a lot of warmth and good feelings for people. And I think I CAN love Teddy. It's not the same as it was with you. But it's nice to have a guy friend to flirt with and talk to ... one who'll talk back to me and not just grunt like most of the other guys I'd written.
I've been thinking about you a LOT over the last few days...I see your face, the warmth & love in your beautiful blue eyes, and then I see this stark scene of you lying on your back on the living room floor, dead. And I think to myself, how could this happen? It seems so unreal.
The only reason I can think about Ted and allow myself to feel something for him is because you are really and truly gone from my life on earth. I do miss you so. This would never be happening if you were alive ...
and I wonder how things would be going for us?
Would you have continued to deteriorate, experienced increasing pain? Would you have been short tempered and impatient with the kids? What would happen to your job?
Or, maybe, would you have continued to lose weight and then your health would improve, your mood would improve, things would be better between us and the kids ... and you'd move laterally into another position.
I don't know ... so many unknowns. I suppose you've fulfilled your purpose, whatever it was, and that's why you were called back when you were. I'm learning some things myself, changing gradually, and dealing with it. Most of all, I've learned to be a lot more patient with the kids. Now, if I could just be firm....
I'll always miss you. I'll always look back on our married life with love and gratitude ... and I'll always have that last view of you in my head along with a sense of deep incredulity.
I love you so much.
Thank you for everything you've done for me and the way you changed my life, Rich, my darling, my sweetheart,
love,
Me