You know, sweetie, these kids feel no shame at all sometimes? I?ve been walking around the house, cleaning up, putting the garbage out, and generally making it obvious that I?m trying to do something and most of the time the kids just sit there playing Nintendo or watching TV. I didn?t say anything to them ? but then they expect me to take them fun places and buy them things. It pisses me off. I took the kids out to look at a new bedroom set for Billy. I thought about getting him a loft bed and set to give him more room. We looked at one place yesterday and the two sets there cost $1200 and $1800, which didn't seem to faze him in the slightest?even though he knows I?m not working and we?re supposed to go to Disney World over Easter. Today we went back to look at another store. Meanwhile, the kids were not being cooperative at all about cleaning?not this whole week. So therefore we didn?t paint or do many of the other things I planned. The kids were basically at each other?s throats even before we went into this store. One set I looked at was only $800 and it was nice, like Heidi?s bunkbed set. I thought and maybe muttered he probably preferred the more expensive set and then Heidi said it aloud, that ?watch, he?ll want the more expensive one?. Well then Billy started to act like a two year old saying that although he liked THIS set better we couldn?t get it because Heidi said we had to get the expensive set. He?s saying all this loud enough for everyone else to hear it and I was mortified. So I said, ?Forget it, let?s go? and we went home. I tried to get Billy to understand how he was biting his nose off to spite his face but he just didn?t get it. Duh!! As far as he?s concerned all of this is Heidi?s fault. He doesn?t take any of the responsibility on himself. It?s so frustrating!
And I?m still procrastinating and not writing when I should be writing. I get so angry with myself. Then I tell myself to just get off the computer because I?m doing nothing. Well, you should be here NOW because you?d be spending a lot more time with me at this rate! But you?re NOT here and that just sucks big time!
Heidi went to the cookie booth sale at Greenstream and I went for a walk, the first one I?ve been on in months. And then I went home and ate lots of cookies. Well?at least it?s a start. God how I miss you, Rich. Even now I sometimes wonder if this isn?t some horrible nightmare I?m going to wake up from. I KNOW deep in my heart that you are gone but I guess I?m still in and out of denial. What a yucky feeling?