Hi sweetheart,
It?s President?s Day and the kids have the week off. I talked to Heidi last night and it seemed to help. As usual, she feels like she?s getting the raw end of every deal. She said that she misses you and that seeing the orphaned cats at the shelter upset her too. I sent her an email this morning too. I got an email back from Nancy and she said that when she was praying last night she had a real strong sense that you were around me as well as other people. So I thank you for being there for me and maybe you were the one who had Em (a widowed friend) send me the flowers? I felt really offended at first but then I remembered what Carol said?that maybe this was the only way you had of sending me flowers and thank you for that, too. Thank you for being there for me. Sometimes it seems like I can feel your presence. I just wish I could be more like Coral or the other ?sensitive? people and REALLY hear, see, feel, touch or smell you. I?ve been sleeping with your coat over me the last few nights.
Later ? the two girls went with Heidi?s friends from Girls Scouts to see ?Never NeverLand? (Peter Pan II) and I was really pleased that Heidi agreed to have Kristin go with her. It?s the first time Heidi really invited Kristin to go along.
We?d gone shopping earlier in the day?all the kids needed new clothes. We?ve all porked up, Rich, it?s like we gained you back over the months. Heidi and Billy weigh almost as much as me, Kristin weighs well over 100 pounds, probably closer to 120 and I must?ve gained back all the weight I lost with Weight Watchers and added another 10 or 20. It?s disgusting?well, anyway, we were in the store and Heidi looked at Kristin critically and told her, ?Don?t stand like that and pooch your stomach out. You?ve got a real pot belly.? I said sharply, ?Heidi!? and she gave me this ?I?m just trying to help? look, but I know that stuff is hurtful.
Anyway, I?m glad that Heidi decided to let Kristin go along.
I feel like I?m about to have a major panic attack and I?m not sure why. My adrenaline is really pumping but at the same time I feel light headed and sleepy. It must be the Paxil ? this really sucks. I?m not so sure the Paxil is helping me to feel any better. I have been taking less of the klonopin so maybe it?s that too.
I just read a post on WN from a widower of 16 months who STILL has trouble believing this has happened. To be honest, I have trouble believing sometimes that this life is reality now. It is just so fucked up. I can?t believe you are not here with me now and I can?t believe so much time has passed.
Love you,
Me