Hello my love,
I put off writing to you as long as possible but I did want to write to you today. I miss you so much. I was thinking today about how you proposed to me on Valentine?s Day in 1984, and it seems so long ago ? I can still see us, though?I see you in the kitchen futzing around with that fortune cookie, obviously trying to get your little slip of paper into it. I smile, remembering that scene and how shocked I was that you?d go through all that trouble. You were so romantic, so considerate and tender at times, Rich, before the anger between us. But during the last two years we got back a lot of the tenderness, the romance, the consideration. You were such a good man, definitely worthy of love, and I?m lucky to have had you in my life, my darling.
This morning I went into the basement to do laundry and as I was picking up clothes, I found a square of your shirt on the floor. I picked it up and looked at it, wondering how did THIS get here? It looked a lot like the square Kristin has in her comfort box ? she?d given it to me when I was crying so hard a couple of nights ago. I could have sworn she put it back in her box. Yet as I stood there holding the cloth in my hand I thought, you?re here, you?re letting me know that you are with me and trying to comfort me.
I went to see Dr. Rossof today and we talked some about what?s going on. She?s agreed to see me and her associate will see the kids and me together. It?s a lot of money, Rich, but it?s worth it. We need to be able to work together as a unit and not be at each other?s throats. And on the way home, I heard Faith Hilll singing ?There You?ll Be? and did you hear me say thank you? I?ve started to say thank you, Rich, when I hear the songs and when I think you?re contacting me?I want you to know that I know you?re there.
I didn?t think Valentine?s Day would hurt so much without you. I mean, we never made a really big deal out of it but then I thought about all the email cards we used to send each other, the messages that became more and more suggestive .. and the fact we were at work added to the excitement of it all. We had such passion together after an afternoon and messages like that. It was so much fun, I want you to know how much I enjoyed sending the messages and getting them from you ? and how very much I miss them this year. I miss YOU so much, my love, I miss everything about you, the way you used to look at me, the touch of you, you touching me, your smile? sometimes I still can?t believe that you?re really gone and that you?ll never be back?I?ll never feel you again or get any more emails from you?I wish to god I?d saved your emails now?Iwish I?d saved every letter and email you?d sent me. I wish I had your voice on tape, I wish I had your book of poetry ? I wish I could talk to you, just sit and talk to you, hold you again. Rich, I miss you so much! I never thought about living alone for 20-30 years without you?
This is so hard. I am so angry! We should have had this time together to enjoy as a couple. The kids are growing up ? what am I going to do when they?ve grown up and I?m all alone?
Billy?s been so sweet. All week he?s been making dinner. Today he made fresh French bread and then made a French toast out of it, saying he remembered you said you?d always wanted to try it. He?s been busting his backside all week making dinners, seemingly unflappable, very cool and calm and organized, taking care of all of it himself. You would be proud of him I think.
I miss you, my darling. Happy Valentine?s Day in heaven,
Love always,
Me