Hi sweetie,
Long time, no talk to ? but it doesn?t mean I haven?t been thinking about you. I?ve been posting a lot on the widow support board. A thread came up about having alcoholic parents and how those issues might be affecting our grieving. I THOUGHT it had to be, Rich, because I loved you so much. It doesn?t feel right that I?m not grieving you more. It might be this old ?hero? stoicism coming up again?have to be strong, have to be brave, don?t think about not having you because I can?t stand it. Hell, I can feel myself holding people at bay, friends and family as well. I avoid contact with them and have almost been in seclusion. I use the excuse that I want to write, I want to write ? but then I?m not writing either.
Kristin did so well bowling tonight! I talked to Steve (the league manager) about Big Brothers for Billy ? I?m hoping something pans out. And I made arrangements for us to go to Orlando this spring ? the first week of April. I am DETERMINED that we are going to get there this time and we?re going to have a good time. Heidi and I are at odds again and I?m pushing her away. I have to stop that. I think to myself sometimes that she makes herself so unlikeable but that means she needs me ? and I can?t push her away.
Back to that ACOA stuff. It still comes back to bite me on the ass. I feel like a total screw up right now ? that I?m wasting my time on things that don?t matter when I should be focusing on my writing. It?s to the point, though, where I?m sick of listening to myself whine about it ? shit or get off the pot! Write the story or don?t write it!
It?s just like that quote of yours, the line Yoda says in ?Star Wars?: ?Try not! Do! Or do not! There is no try!? It makes a lot of sense?it?s what I should do about the parenting, the grieving, the writing ?
Love you dear,
Me