Hi sweetheart,
I was waking up every couple of hours last night. I remember thinking that you were there, trying to communicate but I don?t remember anything else. I guess it didn?t work out and that?s why I feel irritable today? It?s a rainy, miserable day and I?m not feeling well. Billy?s sick now too; both of the girls have been sick.
Today Kristin is 10 years old. Imagine, huh? I remember after you died, Kristin said it wasn?t fair that you didn?t live long enough to ?even see me in my double digits.? So she?s 10 and I?ve been cranky with her this morning already. Last night at 9 o?clock she tells me she needs cookies or donuts for the class. I?m going to run out this morning for a couple boxes of cookies for her class and some cheesecake for later. She wants to go to the same Chinese buffet where we went on our anniversary?the restaurant you never got to try.
Do you remember when Kristin was born? I just can?t believe it?s been ten years! I remember being awake most of Thursday night into Friday the 24th. My contractions were uncomfortable enough to keep me awake or wake me up if I?d drifted off but never together consistently enough to wake you and have you take me to the hospital. I wanted you to have some rest ? you were still on the night shift. I remember sitting on the bed and watching you sleep as I had the contractions. I also remember being resentful and angry toward you ?not about the birth, but about something else. It?s funny, I don?t remember what it was, your weight or an argument?it hardly seems important now.
I had an appointment to see Ellen Ray that morning?the midwife who delivered our kids. I told you I?d been up most of the night and we decided to bring Billy and Heidi with us in case I really was in labor. You were going to take them to friends of ours if I was in labor. And the funny thing is when Ellen examined me, she gave me an odd look and said, ?You ready to have this baby today?? I was about six or seven cm dilated!
Ellen and I walked the bridge from the doctor's office to the hospital while you took the kids to our friends. By the time you got back, I was dilated to almost 10 cm and that?s when labor stopped. We walked around; I took a nice warm shower (I remember that!) and we tried a bunch of other things, including inducing me. I was exhausted by the time I was supposed to push and didn?t want to do anything at all. Ellen, who didn?t know what was going on, was under pressure to get to her daughter?s gym meet.
It was uncomfortable and difficult and when you finally were born, Ellen exclaimed with surprise, ?Oh, she?s sunny side up!? Kristin was posterior, totally turned around, and I?d been experiencing such back labor that my nerves were inflamed and I couldn?t walk for the first two days. We held little Kristin, first me and then you, and then you went back to get some sleep and then get the kids before coming back to the hospital. Ellen went off to the meet ? do you remember? Her daughter, Elise, was in the Summer Olympics in Sydney in summer, 2000. We watched her on TV.
I spent all afternoon with Kristin in my arms. It seemed like everyone forgot at me. The floor of the room was still covered with blood, I was feeling messy and couldn?t walk by myself?but I enjoyed bonding with the baby. Just before you got back with the kids, they finally moved me up to my room. I kept baby Kristin in the bassinette when you came in with Billy and Heidi. Billy wanted to see Kristin right away and I have a darling picture of the three of you together. Heidi just wanted to sit in my lap. I stayed on the bed and didn?t say anything then about not being able to walk.
Thank God it cleared up. I have a feeling people thought I was faking it but then everyone could see I really couldn?t make my legs move to take steps. It was really scary.
I thought when I woke up several times that you were around because, of course, I have been thinking about you a lot today. I?m going to try and go back to sleep a bit this morning before taking Billy to school for his mid-term. I love you so much, Rich.
For a while, we sort of lost that, didn?t we? For a few years after Kristin was born we were just so out of sync with each other. I?m so glad we got it all back in the years before you died. I will always love you.