January 10, 2002
Hi sweetie,

Last night and today I have been feeling restless, irritable ? and maybe useless. No interpreting work has come in yet. There is work for February and I?m sure we can squeak by using savings this month. I hate doing that stuff. That?s part of the reason why I feel cranky. The other reason is because I?ve been sluffing off on the writing, although I HAVE been finding time to pray and do automatic handwriting everyday. It?s not the same as writing, though. I thought about keeping a separate journal for automatic handwriting and then I thought, that?s going to get REALLY confusing. So I?m going to try and keep them together for the now.

On Tuesday, I was focusing more on angels and this was the first message that came through. This is from two days ago, January 8th:

Look into your heart for the inner beauty and truth and don?t be afraid to bring it forth. Love is everything. Love everyone. When you give your love away it will be returned to you threefold. Love never dies. Love endures beyond everything, wars, personal disagreements, strife, personal problems. All of these unpleasant realities will pass, leaving love in its place. A person?s color or religion does not matter. We are all brothers and sisters in the Light of God and His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. Let us stand hand in hand in fellowship and love for each other and give praise. Blessings will come to those who love and who help to bring the message to all.

After I finished writing, I did some breathing and thanked God and the angels, and then I began to think about you for awhile, holding me, comforting me and pretty soon I was writing again:

I am here with you always. I will try to send you a sign but you have to open your eyes and look for it. You were never too observant (got an impression of you laughing, comparing me to your mom) and I?ve been sending you lots of signs that you haven?t seen. I don?t want to use a club (which I told Coral to suggest to you!) because you know I?d never hurt you. Just listen for a song or look for the butterflies and it will click and you?ll realize you got the message.

Coral and the other friends I?ve made from AngelVoice swear up and down that you and angels are writing these words because I am not aware of thinking them. They just sort of come out. The next day I prayed and thought only of you and this is what I got for January 9th:

I could see you going through the box from work. I remember each and every beanie toy you gave me and when and kept them in my cubby because I loved them and I love you. I loved the sewing Billy made for me. You are right to ask him if he wants it back and you?re right to give the little toys away. You can take my beanies out wheenever you want to. They?re for you now and the same goes for the rock pool. I couldn?t use it often at work ?cuz of the noise it made but I really did love it just as I love you and always will. I am here. I wish I could hold you and kiss you the way you want but please know how much I still love you.

I spent an hour cleaning our room yesterday, thinking to myself that you?d often suggested breaking a job down into hour long chunks. One thing I did was go through your box from work, half hoping that the poetry book might be there. I found all these little beanie toys I gave you over the years and my eyes blurred with tears. There was a craft sewing project that Billy made for you that said ?I?d rather be fishing? and there were all the little McDonald/Burger King/Taco Bell toys you?d collected over the years.

I haven?t given the sewing back to Billy yet nor divvied up the toys but I will. This afternoon I have to take Mouse to the vet to have bloodwork drawn to see if she can hold up for a de-clawing operation.

Today, because I was feeling so yucky about procrastinating on everything I prayed for guidance and this is what I wrote:

The stories are in you. You have to stop being afraid to tell them. You know what you should be doing. You have to stop letting the Internet interfere with your work. Instead of practicing your skills, you go to check your email. Many times there is no mail and you wander back and forth between websites. Try using a practice exercise instead. Read books about the formulas for writing certain stories, like romance. You are afraid to begin. Don?t be afraid! Start our story in the middle if you want and then work backward and forward. Try to spend an hour every day reading about how to write. You can do this. We are all here to help you but you need to make the time and get started. Try for a shorter goal at first, maybe 15 minutes of writing and then keep building on it. And don?t feel you have to keep checking your email. It will still be there when you get back to it.

Now was that you? Doesn?t exactly sound like an angel, it sounds like something YOU would say but it also sounds like something I would say ? well, I will keep on trying this automatic handwriting. It?s interesting and it keeps me from missing you too much while I?m sitting here without you.

Love you always,
Me