Hi sweetheart,
It?s about 8:30 in the evening of my birthday, my first one without you since I met you in 1983. And yet, except for a few moments here and there (once, when I was passing a Big & Tall store on Sunrise Highway that we went to frequently) and right now, I didn?t feel sad. I slept soundly, hoping the night before to remember a dream with you in it. I?ve been praying to God, to the angels and asking you to please come and please let me remember but it didn?t happen. Still, I was in a good mood.
I went to the mall and did some Christmas shopping for the kids, for Alberta, your father ? and for me, too, I guess. I got a couple of things that were on the kids? list but a lot of it was also impulsive buying, oh, I think they?d like this or I think they?d like that. I found two books at Hallmark. They are collections of thoughts and verses from mothers to daughters. I looked for a book that was from a mother to a son and there was nothing. There was from FATHER to son ? and I couldn?t bring myself to buy it. I got Billy an ID bracelet. I hope he feels it is masculine enough to wear. I was still going to try and find a mother to son book.
I came home and took a nap. There was something odd going on last night so I knew the kids were up to something about my birthday. They were upstairs like a bunch of conspirators until about 11. I came up, read for a while, and then turned in but noticed Billy was still up ?cleaning his room.? And you can actually see into it. The piles of clothes have been moved to one big hill in the hall way upstairs. I can see the floor entering his room although God knows what is still behind the bed. Anyway, I said to him, ?Don?t stay up too late? and he said he wouldn?t, but he wanted to clean his room. I said, ?You don?t have to do that now? and he said he was almost done.
Anyway, he overslept, which is really unusual for him. I got up at six and he was still sleeping so I woke up and came downstairs to find his robe draped over the door to the hutch. I spent about two seconds wondering what it was doing there and then just went about my business making my coffee. Billy was so tired and dragging around but he made it off to school. When I got up from my nap though I could see he was just about sound asleep on the couch. I wondered about that. I woke him and sent him upstairs to sleep for about an hour while I waited for the girls to get home.
My plan was to have dinner at Applebee?s and then stop at the bookstore with one of my gift certificates. I found out Billy had a paper and all this homework to do that is all due tomorrow and I was kind of annoyed but I figured it?s MY birthday, he chose to put everything off to the last minute so he?ll have to suffer the consequences. We had a really nice dinner. A young man came around making balloon hats, animals, flowers, and other things. It turns out Wednesdays are balloon night at Applebees. Nice to know I can associate Wednesday with something other than the day of the week you died. The man made a bow and arrow set for Billy, a flower for Heidi, a very tall bizarre hat for Kristin and another birthday hat for me. It kind of looks like it has a propeller on it, like a Beanie hat.
We got so FULL. Then we went to Barnes and Noble next. I got the kids some books with the certificate. I also picked up a Georgia O?Keeffe calendar. I always did like her paintings of flowers.
We stopped at Burger King for some desserts and I figured that would be our ?birthday cake? ? except we hadn?t been home for five minutes when Billy came out with a double layer chocolate fudge cake! He had stuck candles in it and was singing ?Happy Birthday? at the top of his voice. I was SO surprised I couldn?t say a word. Billy was so proud of himself. He said now you know why my bathrobe was there and now you know why I was up so late! I asked him what time he?d finally gone to bed and when he said two I nearly cried.
Heidi fussed at him saying it was HER idea too and he admitted yes, it was and that originally she would have stayed up too to help except they figured she would be a perfect beast in the morning after so little sleep. He ended up doing everything himself ? including washing the dishes he?d messed up! I was so touched. I had to give him a big hug.
Kristin said she picked out the cake mix and frosting and I asked, ?When did you do that?? She explained it was when we went grocery shopping. She and Heidi went in one direction with the cart and Billy and I went in the other. Billy was surprised that I didn?t see it being rung up but then I remembered that a big metal rod of some sort fell and hit me behind the knee. It was so painful the managers had to get me a chair to sit in and I missed seeing the groceries go into the bag. I said, ?Dad must have done that so I wouldn?t see the cake mix? and everyone laughed.
Billy hid the cake last night before going to bed and everyone just carried on like nothing was going on. They didn?t want to ruin the surprise and that?s why they didn?t try to stop me from buying the Burger King desserts.
Billy won a pink rabbit for me out of one of those machines at the bowling alley, the same kind of machine where you spent about $20 before finally winning Boo-Boo Bear for me. Kristin bought a green Irish beanie baby bear for me with money she?d saved and I?m not sure what Heidi got me because the gift isn?t finished. It needs to be painted.
I thanked them all for such a wonderful day. I stopped myself from saying the only thing missing was you. What I should have said was that the only thing that would have made the day any better was if you?d been here ? and I didn?t say that either. I?m not sure why. I didn?t want them to feel like what they?d done wasn?t good enough because it was. I don?t think I?ve ever had such a nice birthday ? without you. It would not have been such a good day without the things they did to make it a nice birthday.
I miss you so much Rich. My wish as I blew out the candles was that I could talk to you once more ? and remember it. I love you so much. I?m sure you were with us today, too, and I just want to say thanks for being with me, for loving me, for all the special things you did for me ? I?ll always love you.
I got a balloon for myself today, thinking that you might have picked out something like that. It says, ?Aged to Perfection?.
Goodnight my love. Come up and see me sometime, willya?
Love,
Me