April 23, 2002
Hi Rich,

Teddy and I have lots and lots to talk about, just like you and me in the beginning. We spend well over an hour, now over 2 hours on the phone … except for this evening. I called Teddy while I was at the bowling alley with Billy and Kristin (to collect their trophies). We talked about ½ hour before the kids were done and I said I’d call him back.

The first time I tried calling him at home. For some reason my number doesn’t show up on his caller ID and asked me to say my name, so I kiddingly said “Avon calling”. After a moment a canned voice told me my party wasn’t available. I waited about 15 minutes and then called his cell. Maybe my message didn’t get recorded? But I got a voice mail there, too, so I left a legit message. About 10 minutes ago (45 minutes after I made my first attempt) I sent him an email. Hopefully one or the other will get through to him.

Steve O was going to come over so I could fill out an application for more life insurance. It was good to see him because I could tell him all about Teddy. I love Teddy and sometimes I think, man is this too good to be true? I figured I would keep Steve informed because he’s supposed to be keeping an eye on my budget and funds. Speaking of which, I really need to start working regular hours again. I’ve been foolling around too much.

Oh—before I forget, Teddy finally got his title! He went down to the place and just said he wasn’t leaving until he got it. But now I’ve got to make sure I clean the whole house!!!!

Last night when Teddy and I were talking on the phone, I said the song “Landslide” by Stevie Nicks really meant a great deal to me right now. Teddy pulled up the lyrics and looked at them. I didn’t tell him that “I’ve been afraid of changes ‘cause I’ve built my life around you.” And that’s how I feel, Rich. My life WAS built around you and I’ve felt so lost. I feel, though, that I’m getting “bolder” and “older” and maybe I can make these changes now.

And darned if I didn’t hear the song on the radio today before I met Steve for lunch:

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

I was on the phone talking with Teddy again. Luckily he’s good about stopping around 9. He gets up at 3 when he has to work overtime and told me that he’s fallen asleep at work a couple of times. Normally he goes to bed at 8 on days he’s got to put in overtime so lately I’ve been drawing the line at 9, and he really likes that.

I am going to see him again on Saturday this time even though he’s got his car because we want to be alone together again. So maybe what we’ll do is trade turns. One weekend a date with kids and another just to us, smooching. It sounds like a plan to me!

Love you,
Me

April 22, 2002
Hi sweetheart,

I think I’ve gotten an answer – let’s see if I’m interpreting it right. I realized after thinking about it that the car issue might have a very simple explanation. Teddy’s told me he’s not much for driving. He said that a lot in the beginning. He also tagged in there somewhere that driving scared him and amended it to say he used to make four-hour-a-day commutes. Now there’s this thing with the title. I thought about it and realized, what if he really is afraid to drive? New York/Long Island can be pretty scary! Also other people have fed back: what difference does it make who drives where? That’s true!

Teddy and I are really burning up the phone lines. I’m afraid to see my next long distance bill! We talk to each other during Teddy’s lunch break and then again at night for several hours. There’s a lot of exchanging of ideas and opinions and a lot of incredulity that we found each other. We feel so blessed.

Heidi had a nightmare over Friday night into Saturday. She told me that she dreamed about herself, a strange man who was holding onto Boo-Boo bear (the one you won for me) and refusing to give it back and then about me dying. I sent Teddy an email and told him about Heidi’s dream and asked if the kids could come. He replied yes with a lot of enthusiasm and my heart swelled.

Billy went into the city with our neighbor’s son Jimmy. He was playing in a magic cards tournament and came in 38th place. Well, Jimmy’s mother took them there and showed them how to take the train and told me they’d be returning home on the 8 or 9 o’clock train.

Teddy called around 8 and I called him back on my cell phone to leave the other line open. He said I was really brave; he didn’t think he’d have been able to let Billy go in alone. Well, let me tell you, I didn’t feel so brave! I was worried and Teddy and I just kept talking. He offered to pray with me. I was surprised but grateful and he said a really nice prayer. About a half hour later, Billy called. The power of prayer!

We figured Billy would be in around 11 so Teddy stayed on the phone until Billy called again and I had to go pick him up.

We got off to New Jersey about an hour later than we’d planned but that was all right. The weather was gloomy and rainy. We got to Teddy’s just before lunch time. Teddy bought stuffed animals for all the kids, even Billy, and he got me a picture frame with our pictures in them. The plan was for us to go eat at a Chinese buffet. We put the movie “Shrek” in for a while and Teddy & I began smooching on the couch.

It may not have been entirely appropriate but all we really did was kiss a lot. The kids moaned and groaned and so we went to the restaurant, had our meal, and then stopped at a park. The kids went to play, and Teddy and I necked in the car. We so enjoyed being in each other’s company.

Kristin was having a rough time by now. So I went to talk to her – she misses you, Rich. She wants you back. And Teddy and I agreed that as wonderful as we felt about each other we would prefer to have our spouses back. When we got back to the house, we watched the rest of “Shrek” and Kristin very firmly planted herself next to me on the love seat. Teddy amiably pulled up a chair to sit in next to me and we held hands and watched the movie. Teddy ended up liking it very much.

So it ended up being a wonderful day. Last night, when I called Teddy to let him know we were home safe we said we missed each other already. Teddy said he hoped he could get the title to his car cleared by next weekend. I told him not to worry; I’d drive out again until he did get the matter straightened out. He was so happy—and so was I.

We stopped off at a McDonald’s and Kristin was still pretty sad. She ordered a Kid’s meal and what kind of toy did she get? A German beanie bear!!! It was like you were letting Kristin know you were thinking of her … and maybe that it was okay?

The kids are squabbling up a storm. I’m sorry I let them stay home.

Love you,
Me

April 20, 2002
4:48 a.m.

Dear Rich,

I woke up at 4:30 this morning with this feeling of … I’m not sure what to call it. It’s not dread but it is—it’s a whole mixture of unpleasant feelings. Teddy was supposed to come out this weekend but he bailed in plenty of time because it’s his grandson’s birthday party today. First he invited me and the kids but none of us felt comfortable about going. Then I volunteered to drive out and see him again on Sunday.

At first he protested. It isn’t fair, he said. I told him he could take the next two turns and that seemed to be satisfactory. All week we’ve been emailing each other, teasing each other, and talking on the phone for hours.

So what’s wrong? There’s a couple of little things bothering me. He was telling me that he was worried about driving an untitled car. There was some complicating reason why the car hadn’t been signed over to him for a year. It sounded incredible to me that he would drive at all so I asked him why he didn’t get stopped by a cop because of an expired registration. Oh no, Teddy exclaimed, the registration and insurance were all up to date and paid for. So I’ve been wondering just what is going on? He could drive that car in spite of not having the title in his name. Last night he told me he was really mad that the mess hadn’t been straightened out yet, and I wondered if he wasn’t beginning to drop hints about not coming here next weekend.

When I told him I’d come see him on Sunday, I was really being very selfish. The kids haven’t helped me clean around the house. Billy is going to some tournament in the city—I gave him $40 (why? He hasn’t done anything to really earn it!). Heidi and Kristin have been irritable and sniping at each other. I guess I just decided I wanted to get away and have the day to myself and Teddy.

Last night, though, Kristin began to ask questions about going to visit Teddy. Staying home is boring she says. I thought: what are we going to do with a 10 year old? How can we make out? First I suggested she go to a friend’s house to play. She didn’t want to do that.

I guess it must have been bothering me overnight because that’s what woke me up at 4:30. I had this feeling I should make excuses and bail out. Tell the truth, the little voice inside me says. Is it fair to do this at the last minute? I ask. Maybe I’m just bailing because it’s all a part of this dodging getting together with friends behavior.

Teddy is a sweet, wonderful man. He makes me feel special and desireable. He is getting that from me, too. It’s a new and wonderful love we’re feeling.

But … there’s the car. And I still can’t understand why his daughter would have such serious problems with her teeth. I know that she dropped out of school and left home at an early age. Maybe that’s it? Maybe it was living on her own and not getting any kind of attention?

I guess it began to bother me a little when Robin came to see me on Wednesday. She said to make sure I didn’t do all the driving; that Teddy should be coming to Long Island. Elfie called me on the phone and while she’s happy for us, she said the same thing. It’s only fair to go back and forth equally.

So now what?

Help me figure this out, Rich, please … I need guidance here. I should be praying to God or Jesus but you’re so much closer to me. I just need a sign to show me that what I am doing is the right thing…

Love you,
Me

April 17, 2002
Hi Rich,

These darn computers are going to drive me nuts. I had trouble with the kids’ hard drive and so I set mine up again only to realize that ALL my journals have been erased…maybe it happened when I removed the hundreds of temporary files crowding my hard drive. Who knew it would wipe out all my journals? Luckily I think I have most of them backed up. I might be missing a few days.

I wanted to do an entire entry about the rest of our story. Things are happening so fast here and I really need to do that before I move on. So I will go back to see where I left off and then pick up again. I am moving on … with Teddy. I didn’t think I would ever feel anything for anyone again and had resigned myself to widowhood. I don’t know what friends and family are going to think and I don’t really care. I arranged to drive out and see Teddy again on Sunday. I’m looking forward to it very much.

Kristin has been a real trial lately. She’s balking, not listening to me, having tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. Heidi feels stressed out, tired and sad. She’s been missing you a lot. I think this is all exacerbated by Ted. But Kristin…well, I think I did spoil her too much. Maybe Teddy can help me get the kids into line.

Teddy and I talk about the future just like you and I did. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here or Teddy, but I plan on loving and living every minute of the time I have left. Teddy is a precious gift from you and God.

I will always be grateful and will always thank God for blessing me so…that I got to have you in my life for 17 years; that I have our beautiful (but not always so wonderful) children, and that I have Teddy in my life now.

Love always,
Me

April 16, 2002
Hi Rich,

The two computers are just driving me crazy. I shut my “new” one off after I thought I’d gotten all my stuff off (of course I didn’t and now I’m missing the entire month of April’s entries). Sometimes I think you are doing everything in your power to bring Teddy and me together and other times I think I’m being sabotaged! The big example is the ongoing problems with these darn computers.

Not only was the first one balking at doing anything, this old one acted up terribly too. Both computers were especially stubborn about not doing anything that had to do with Teddy—i.e. sending him a post, a card, whatever. The problem really started in earnest on Sunday morning before I left for New Jersey. The computer kept freezing and I had to reboot it several times. It was really frustrating.

Anyway, I left for New Egypt at about 10 in the morning. I was leaving the kids on their own for the most part and was thinking they should be fine. I asked Janet Carson, my neighbor, if the kids could call her if they needed to. She seemed surprised that I would leave the kids alone for so long. I was a bit taken aback and wondered if I was being neglectful or something. But then Phil and Miriam next door, and Dan & Robin all said THEY would keep an eye on/ear out for the kids. I was soooo relieved.

I bought a butterfly balloon for Teddy and off I went. I was feeling really good about seeing him. I called him from the Jersey turnpike around noon and then was at his house about a half hour later. He was standing out in his front yard talking to some neighbors and came over to shyly give me a big hug. I hugged him back and gave him the balloon. He was delighted with it and then remembered he wanted pictures so he got his digital camera and had the neighbor take our picture. They came out soooo nice, Rich.

We went inside the house and Teddy gave me a very large stuffed bear with a sweet hand designed card. We started to smooch a little and then we sat down on the sofa. It was incredible. I remember Teddy got up to shut the blinds and close the door but what I remember most of all was the kissing. You know, we spent two hours kissing. I have never kissed a man like that for so long. Somewhere in there, I put Teddy’s hand on my breast because I figured he was shy.

“Is that what you what?” he asked hoarsely.

I know that Teddy is spiritual and I wanted what would make him comfortable. So I told him it was okay for him to touch. I asked if I could touch him and he said yes. So as we were kissing I let my hands go down his back, scratching and massaging, rubbed his belly and moved my hand down further.

We took a breather and Teddy asked what we should do. He originally wanted to wait and was wavering a little, and so was I. That he was willing to hold back so that it was special touched me so much and so I told him I could be patient and wait. So we went back to kissing and I tried not to touch him in the really sensitive erogenous zones—that just didn’t seem fair. He began to go under my sweater and I was just tingling all over so I whispered softly I needed to stop. He stopped and when we looked at his watch, we realized 2 hours had passed!

We went out to a really nice Japanese restaurant. I ate with chopsticks for the first time, tried sushi and some soup that tasted just awful but I wanted to try it. We drove to and from the restaurant holding hands and just talking. Teddy enjoyed having me hold his hand and caress his fingers. You were so sensitive to touch, Rich, remember? It took a long time before you could tolerate my caresses. I always felt kind of bad about that because I just wanted to touch you all over but it would have been like torturing you.

And Teddy loves it.

I didn’t think it was possible for me to love anyone again after you, Rich, but I love Teddy. It’s not the same. In some ways, like with the kissing and the touching, it’s so exhilirating. And it’s wonderful to have someone to talk to that enjoys the same stuff as me. We sing songs together. It’s just so wonderful.

And I thank you Rich. If it wasn’t for you, I would not be who I am now and I wouldn’t be loving and caring for Teddy the way I do. I love you so much for every little thing you ever did for me my dear. I told Teddy that when you died it felt like half my heart was ripped away. A scar formed over the wound, and that is my warm wonderful memories of you. And now I’m beginning to grow a whole heart again—and the other half is Teddy.

Love and gratitude always,
Me

April 7, 2002
Hi sweetie,
If things had gone as planned, we'd be on our way to Teddy's or AT Teddy's and then on our way home later. But you know what they say about the best laid plans...we are in Ashland, Virginia. I had real trouble driving today. I hope it's not like this tomorrow.

It's daylight savings time (as of last night) and the clocks moved an hour forward. Our alarm went off at 6:30 this morning to make sure we had time to eat breakfast. The continental breakfast buffet in this particular Comfort Inn was much shorter than any of the others...from 6 to 9 a.m. All of us were pretty groggy this morning. We checked out earlier than we had been, too--at about 9:30.

About an hour or so after we'd begun driving, I began to feel REALLY SLEEPY. Uh-oh, I thought. I found a place to pull over so I could walk around and go to the bathroom. There were moments where I felt as if I would just fall asleep, and that was scary. It occurred to me that I was driving impaired...I hadn't had any klonopin yet but the paxil was making me sleepy on top of being tired. Not good.

An hour after that, I felt groggy and sleepy again and opened my window. The girls complained they were cold and I explained why I needed the window open. Dramatic change of climate here! From being warm and humid, it's become dry and very cool. My runny nose and sinus problems are back. :P Anyway, we decided to stop at McDonald's and eat. I got a cup of coffee with my meal.

The coffee held me almost two hours and then I was very groggy and sleepy again. I pulled over to a Burger King to buy some coffee. Billy was concerned. He'd turned on the fan so that cool air was blowing on my face. I appreciated that. That second cup of coffee really helped the last hour of the drive.

Finally we got to Ashton and checked in! I called Barbara in Alexandria to apologize for not being able to visit. She understood although she sounded upset. She said her son-in-law told her the traffic going north on 95 was horrendous. Actually I'm glad to be HERE today because I think EVERYONE will be on the road to go back home/school today. I'll be the turnpike is a mess. I'm sure it'll be easier to travel tomorrow.

I called Teddy to let him know that we were here. We talked for a few minutes and flirted again. I found out that he was born at Langley Airforce Base in Virginia, near the CIA. He asked what the kids would like to drink with dinner and asked what time I thought we'd be arriving. He enjoys talking to me a lot, said that he'd be up in the clouds with a smile on his face for a couple of hours and I told him he was sweet. He said he thought I was sweet.
:-) We are both too cute! Anyway, he also said he was glad I had a good time and I said I was grateful to learn that I am capable of driving over bridges and then I wouldn't be afraid to come to NJ to see him. He responded that he isn't afraid to come to Massapequa Park. He was looking up the directions on the map and he said it doesn't look too bad at all. So we ended on an upbeat note with cyber hugs and kisses.

I don't know where all this is going, Rich. No one can replace you, but loving you has seemed to open up a place in my heart that holds a lot of warmth and good feelings for people. And I think I CAN love Teddy. It's not the same as it was with you. But it's nice to have a guy friend to flirt with and talk to ... one who'll talk back to me and not just grunt like most of the other guys I'd written.

I've been thinking about you a LOT over the last few days...I see your face, the warmth & love in your beautiful blue eyes, and then I see this stark scene of you lying on your back on the living room floor, dead. And I think to myself, how could this happen? It seems so unreal.

The only reason I can think about Ted and allow myself to feel something for him is because you are really and truly gone from my life on earth. I do miss you so. This would never be happening if you were alive ...
and I wonder how things would be going for us?

Would you have continued to deteriorate, experienced increasing pain? Would you have been short tempered and impatient with the kids? What would happen to your job?

Or, maybe, would you have continued to lose weight and then your health would improve, your mood would improve, things would be better between us and the kids ... and you'd move laterally into another position.

I don't know ... so many unknowns. I suppose you've fulfilled your purpose, whatever it was, and that's why you were called back when you were. I'm learning some things myself, changing gradually, and dealing with it. Most of all, I've learned to be a lot more patient with the kids. Now, if I could just be firm....

I'll always miss you. I'll always look back on our married life with love and gratitude ... and I'll always have that last view of you in my head along with a sense of deep incredulity.

I love you so much.

Thank you for everything you've done for me and the way you changed my life, Rich, my darling, my sweetheart,
love,
Me

April 6, 2002
Hi Rich,

Well, I'll tell you, sweetheart, it's SO much easier driving DOWN to Florida than it has been coming back! Today I drove about 300 miles; it took us about 6 hours between the stops and the traffic, and I was really hurting the last hundred miles. I felt sleepy and a little out of it, inattentive. It's not a good way to drive so I'm glad that I decided to make reservations where I did.

I called Barbara (a friend from WidowNet in Alexandria, VA)to ask for directions to her place. She offered to let us stay with her. Well ... it's 398 miles from here to her house, and I'm just not sure I can manage that. I think I will call and make a reservation for 300 miles. I may even make one for New Jersey, too, and cancel it if need be.

I called Teddy, too, and talked to him for about a half hour here. He started taking a CAD class but really hasn't been getting enough sleep this week so he felt that our visit on Monday would be easier than Sunday. Me, too, and we always have a reason to get going by 8--so that Teddy can get some sleep. We flirted a little again and he said it was always his fantasy to fly an F-14. He heard that Great Adventure had that ride but he's a little afraid of it, that it might not be well maintained. He said he might feel differently if someone went with him and so I said I would go with him. He said, "You would? Then I just might consider it." I told him I might dig my fingers into his shoulders and he laughed and said that the thought of the ride scared him too so I said well, then I would hold his hand. So I guess I will be seeing more of Teddy. I like him, Rich. He seems like he could be a good friend. Well, we'll see, huh?

And where did that little orange pill go? The one that was in my vitamin bottle, the one I showed the kids ... the one I thought belonged to you? It doesn't seem to be there any more!

I got ahold of Phil and Miriam, our neighbors, and let them know we'd be a day or two delayed. That was fine with them. They said they've seen Mousie, but not Amber. I think Amber's been hiding on them. They said Mouse comes right out to play with them. She seemed a more sociable kitty than Amber is anyway and I'm assuming Amber's just hiding.

Ordered some Pizza hut pizza for dinner. I just didn't feel like getting back into the car anymore this evening. I have some wash I'm doing for Heidi and otherwise, this evening should just be pretty laid back. In another couple of days, we'll be home. The vacation sure went really fast!

see you later, my love,
Me

Posted by blog/imascribbler at 1:23 PM EDT
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April 5, 2002
It was the trip from hell, Rich!!!! We are finally here in Kingsland, GA again. It's really a GOOD thing I didn't try to make Santee because we didn't roll in here until about 9:00. It's too late to try to call Teddy (plans with him Sunday), Barbara (overnighting w/her tomorrow night) or Jean (stop & visit) to tell everyone our plans are upside down. Gotta do that first thing in the morning though. Tomorrow night we're going to stay in Florence, SC which is about 300 miles from here. I would've loved to have been able to stay in Santee again but it's just not going to work out that way.

You would be kicking your ashes all over in frustration, ha, today because, first of all, we slept in a little again and second, we packed the car, ate a late breakfast buffet at the Radisson and then went to the pool for a couple of hours. We left Orlando around 2 p.m.

At first, everything was fine. There wasn't too much traffic out of Orlando, and we didn't hit a problem until we got to I-95. I'm not sure what happened--maybe it was an accident or two or maybe it was just that everyone was heading back north TODAY. Anyway, the first 60 miles of the trip was fine, the last 119 to Kingsland was a bloody nightmare. It's a good thing I called ahead to make a reservation, too, because when we finally did get here the lady behind the desk was already turning people away because they were totally booked up.

I had such good intentions of calling Teddy, my friend John (he lives in Rock Hill, SC) and Jean Rosenberg in MD. Who knew it would take seven hours to travel 250 miles? It shouldn't have! It took us about half that time going down to Florida.

Well, on the up side, I feel really good about what I was able to accomplish, Rich. You know, I've been thinking of you a lot over the last couple of days. I remember good times--like when we went to parks in the summer time when we were dating, or to the movies or out for Chinese food. I remember us making love skinny times and fat times. I remember your face very close to mine as I was in transitional labor--you were the bestest coach, Rich! I remember the look on your face as you held each of our babies, and I remember how you used to look at me or take my hand and hold it.

It seems unreal sometimes. I remember you so well sometimes and other times I feel upset because I've lost the sound of your voice. It doesn't seem possible that a year has gone by ... it will be a year in less than 2 months. Somehow I've survived a year without you and I don't know how it's possible. I guess that's one reason why I'm feeling pretty good about this accomplishment.

Just imagine, Rich, me--with my major panic attacks! I drove over 1100 miles to Orlando. I was at Universal Studios and at Walt Disney World! And I drove it, all by myself. I went over all those bridges, and some were kinda unpleasant surprises, too.

I thought a bit about Teddy, too. I realize that I'm sort of latching on to him out of a deep need to love someone and be loved. I wondered if it would be possible to love Teddy as much as I loved you. I don't know, sweetheart. I thought for sure that you are my soulmate. I don't know if I could love another man the way I loved you ... but do I need to? I don't know ... help me out here, okay? Give me some advice, either in a dream or some other way.

I love my warm memories of you. I guess you're about to be canonized, my love, because as much as I know you had your faults (and so did I, let's be honest here) I tend to overlook all that now. I remember more of the goodness that was in you. You were a wonderful, sweet man, Rich. I wish I had told you more often.

I'm sleepy, babe. I'm going to stop now and just say here's looking at you kid, and I'll always love you,
your
sweetie

April 4, 2002
Hi sweetie,

We spent the afternoon and evening at Walt Disney World. It was a totally different experience than Island Adventures, which is part of Universal Studios theme park. Heidi really continues to concern me with her behavior. It was hot and humid today and Heidi's level of irritability skyrocketed and her frustration level is about zero. She was blowing her fuse every few minutes today.

If I had to do today over again I would have had us stay at Epcot Center all day. It was infinitely more interesting there and had all kinds of educational stuff that would have fascinated the kids. Well ... the kids had this idea of going to the Magic Kingdom first to get autographs of the Disney characters, then we'd go over to Epcot and do all these fascinating activities. Best laid plans ...

We were late, first of all. If you'd been on this trip you either would have had us up and out and dawn or you'd be really ticked at how long it took us to get our act together to get going. We slept until 9:15. We still had to get breakfast and didn't leave until 10:30 because the kids were fighting. That really has been a sore point this whole trip.

We had to stop at the drug store for some necessities so we didn't actually get going to Disney World until around 1. There wasn't a lot of traffic, which was nice, and we had no trouble finding the Epcot Center and took a trolley train to the park. From there we took the monorail to the Magic Kingdom.

It was pretty hot in spite of a cool breeze. We didn't have a good supply of water and so everyone was hot and grumpy, especially Heidi. The first thing we did when we got to the Magic Kingdom was fill our water bottles. We did a little shopping and then went inside. Heidi had made a list of all the attractions they wanted to see but it sorta went out the window when a parade cut off traffic to Fantasyland. We went to Adventureland instead and straight off I got us cool drinks and fruit/ice cream mixes. Billy and Kristin did the Swiss Family Robinson attraction while Heidi and I waited.

We were going to try a boat ride but that didn't work out and decided instead to take the train in Frontierland (adjacent to Adventureland) back to Main street and catch the monorail back to Epcot Center. Well when we got back to Main Street the kids said they were hungry so we left our name with an Italian restaurant that was very crowded but promised to seat us within 30-40 minutes. There was no place to sit inside so the girls & I went outside while Billy watched TV. The idea was that when they called our name, he'd come and get us.

Meanwhile, we're trying to make ourselves comfortable outside, sitting on a wall. Heidi's level of irritability was on the rise and she blew up at me for something, calling me stupid ... and these other people are looking at me as Heidi's saying "I hate you" and I'm wishing I could just disappear into the earth. What the hell am I supposed to do with this kid anyway?

Billy forgot to listen for our names and so we were passed over and they put us to the end of the list. I was really upset with Heidi and so I said let's eat at Epcot Center and took off.

By the time we got there, it was almost 7 and by the time we were done eating it was after 8. What a shame. The one ride we tried, Body Wars, was really fascinating. It was a virtual trip through the human body and the ride had lots of cool special effects. There were several exhibits there that would have been so cool ... well, if we knew then what we know now, we would have spent the day at Epcot. Live and learn.

The kids liked Island Adventures much better because we got to see and do a lot more of the attractions. I also believe it had a lot to do with the weather. It was first rainy and then cloudy that day.

We got there late too, at about noon. We got started late, stopped at Dunkin donuts for breakfast, got lost for almost and hour and when we got to Universal, it was raining pretty hard. We passed through Citywalk all right and then went straight to the Spiderman ride, which seems to be THE ride right now. From there we visited other places in the park, sometimes just stopping long enough to take a picture.

I guess I would say that this has been a fun vacation, Rich. I wish you were here in your skin so I could talk to you about it. I still miss you a lot, sweetheart. I feel stronger, like I have a sudden surge of self respect and pride, because I was able to make this trip. I think it went well at least 75% of the time. The kids seemed happy.

I still miss you though, my sweetie.

Love,
Me

About 1 a.m., April 3, 2002
Hi sweetie,

I am so stiff and sore I am surprised I am actually attempting to write but the days have been so jam packed and action filled, I'll just forget them all if I don't write it all down!

Well, how to summarize yesterday? Frustrating at first and then very pleasant. I had to go to that Tempus Resorts presentation at the Palms. Someone told me that it would be really nice, bring the kids, because they give you this wonderful big breakfast and then show you around and try to talk you into buying a time share.

So instead of having breakfast, I took the kids to Walgreens to pick up a few things we needed, like laundry bags, trash bags ... and I needed feminine napkins. Yeah, it's back all right and with a vengeance. It just reminds me about you telling me that your mom called them mouse beds or something when she referred to them. That was just so hilarious.

Anyway, from there we went to the Palms and, of course, I got lost. Still, we got to the place before 10:30 and it was *packed*! There was no parking at the place we were supposed to be feted and we would have to walk to the reception. I didn't mind it so much.

We walked with a woman and her daughter. She'd been to many of these things and knew the ropes. In fact she deliberately goes to these things to get the perks. I thought she must be out of her mind. I actually would have preferred a Comfort Inn vacation. Wasn't too thrilled with hoity toity Radisson ... there's no complimentary coffee, no Continental breakfast, they nickel and dime you to death.

Anyway I walked in with the kids and this woman and her daughter. Heidi already had a puss on because she didn't realize that we would be tied up here for 90 minutes. She started to protest and whine she'd be bored. The woman said SHE would be bored too but she was willing to put up with the boredom to get the vacation perks.

Anyway, we get to this building and it is a mob scene, absolutely packed! I asked one lady where the breakfast buffet was and she indicated another busy room. We went in there and there was a room full of, well, must have been hundreds of people sitting at tables obviously talking to sales representatives and yakking away. It was noisy and crowded and I could see Heidi becoming tense right away.

Billy went to get on the line. Heidi and Kristin were with me and we were back several people. The lady who'd walked in with me tapped my elbow and said we'd have to register first and then we could eat. What a PAIN! So I pulled Billy out of the line and he was angry and we went into this other room to register. Well THAT was packed, too. The woman saw the looks on the kids faces and said I should let them go eat, who would care? I sent them back and Billy rolled his eyes. Heidi refused to go. She was red with suppressed fury.

We sat down in this packed waiting room. There were lots of people there, lots of kids running around or crying, and some guy making balloon animals to try and entertain the kids. The parents had expressions of weary resignation on their faces. Well, I'd never experienced one of these things before, felt like a cow being herded around a pen and felt very resentful. That company lost a sale right there.

Heidi was sick of waiting and I was too so I sent her to get Billy and Kristin. While she was gone, my sales rep came calling for me. She was an Italian, pleasant woman but hard to understand with all the noise and commotion going on. We went into the buffet room and I expressed my displeasure with all of this.

The woman said sympathetically, "I know, but we got to do it this way because everyday we see three or four hundred people."

Mooooooooo.

Heidi and I got some food. Heidi was still very pissed and I was annoyed when there wasn't any coffee, no milk, no orange juice ... I got water to have with my breakfast. No rolls, no butter, no fresh fruit ... how aggravating!

The sales lady went into her spiel. I'd heard this many times. Do you remember when you were trained to sell Vorwerk vacuums? First you have the customer figure out how much they're spending now. You figure out how much they're going to spend over a lifetime. Then they list all the benefits of having a timeshare, etc etc. Yeah yeah yeah. So I stopped her finally and said she didn't need to go through all that with me, explained I am a widow of less than a year and will not make any financial decisions without showing the paperwork to my financial advisor and the woman looks at me and says, "I know, I know, but I have to do this. It's my job, and when I am finished with the presentation then you decide if this is for you or not."

Exasperated, I repeated that I was not going to make any decisions today and that I needed to give the information to Steve. She said yes, she was telling me the information and I said, no, I mean, a contract that tells how much a price might be, how the payments are made, and so on. She said she couldn't do that yet, she had to go through everything in a certain manner.

I was getting mad now. The kids were trying to help me by being whiny and fighting. Heidi, though, was definitely uncomfortable. I said to the woman again, look, you're wasting my time and yours. She said I just want you all to be happy, and I said, "Well, I'm not. In fact I am getting very angry with you!"

"Well, what should we do?" she asked.

"I want to leave. Don't you have anything you can give me for the financial advisor?"

She said no and that she couldn't give me the park tickets if I didn't listen to the whole presentation. I told her I didn't care. It was already noon and we'd been there 90 minutes and that was enough.

We decided to go tell the manager, who was out in the lobby managing the new people streaming in. She was on the phone and the rep went to talk to her. She said, "Are you at a table? I'll come out to you."

And I said, uh, no I don't think so. The manager snippily informed me that she had four people ahead of me. "I'll wait," I snapped. She beckoned to her rep to come back here so they could talk. The two of them disappeared behind a wall and I said to the kids, "let's go."

After we got back to the hotel, I decided to use our free tickets for Water Mania. Heidi didn't want to go and so I took Billy and Kristin. They had a wonderful time! I sat down and relaxed, read for a while, and then called Teddy. We played a round of telephone tag and finally got to talk ... just as Billy and Kristin were getting out of the water and saying they were hungry. Figures...

Teddy said he was so glad to hear from me. I enjoyed talking to him and it seems like he's moving a little faster than I might like ... but it's my fault too because I've been teasing him. Not fair, I know, and I realize my behavior is partly because I miss you so desperately. The other part is that Teddy is a nice, attractive guy and we do have a lot in common.

Ah well. The girls and I went out for dinner at Ruby Tuesday's. Billy claimed he was too full still from breakfast. We had a nice friendly grandfatherly type named Bob ... a teacher, I believe, retired ... anyway we enjoyed our meal very much. Afterwards, I took the kids down to the pool.

It's a beautiful pool, Rich, with a sort of waterfall, and as I sat there looking at it I began to tear up. I remember when we went to the Poconos and we'd get into the pool or the hot tub and kiss and make out and tease and pet and then rush back to the hotel room so horny we could barely get in the door before we were tearing each other's clothes off. Kristin came out of the pool just then and asked what was wrong. I said I missed you and she said he'll always be right here, and she pointed to my head and my heart.

Yes. It still hurts...

Today we went to Island Adventures, which is the newer of Universal Studio's parks. I got some tickets from a woman that works here. These tickets are SO expensive! I paid $160 for these four tickets ... and later on I paid $200 for hopper tickets for Disney. I am really burning through the money but what the hell?

I was really upset with Heidi today. I was in the bathroom and I heard the beginnings of an altercation. Suddenly Kristin was screaming she was hurt. I got out of the bathroom as quick as I could. Kristin wanted to sit down and Heidi didn't want her to sit in "her" chair. Kristin and Billy say that Heidi shoved Kristin, who tripped and fell against the bed. Heidi said she just stood up and Kristin lost her balance.

Kristin had a scrape and a huge red mark on her back. I was just so upset about it ... why does Heidi have to be so hateful and mean? Heidi was angry with me because she feels I'm not listening to her but what justification is there for this? All Kristin wanted to do was sit down. I'm thinking Heidi's really got a more serious emotional problem that I'd like to think.

It was raining most of the morning. It was about noon before we were all calmed down enough to go to Adventure Island ... and I got lost. It figures, right? Sweetheart, it's about 1:30 and I'm really sleepy so I'm going to continue this tomorrow. It did end up being a very nice day, thank God.

Love you,
Me