Test Blog 1, 2, 3
Mood:  surprised
Wow! It has been more than a year! I don't think I'd continue blogging in here though. Just visited my baby blog and read my posts and they inspired me a bit.
*wows the 2nd time around* This site is totally different now, eh? I somehow missed posting here, hmm..
Til here. Now you see me, now you don't!

Love, Muffin

I think I'm gonna be sick..
Having muscles pain since afternoon, I don't have fever though.. for me it's ok to fall sick so I can have an honest reason to take medical leave from work. ha-ha!
I had caregroup earlier, only few people were around, didn't tackle deep discussions but only being reminded by our dear leader for us to do an outreach.. that's all.. but anyway, we had fun updating each other about our work etc.. but still I wish next time we can be a lil more serious, I want everyone to focus on Jesus during the meeting.
I've been quite busy lately before & after camp that I didn't have time to update, but anyway.. before my memory fails, I better do now..

Our camp was about "The Growing Disciples of the 21st Century".. I really like Ps Simon among all the Pastors coz he's funny but makes sense. Ps Ben is also ok, he's more the serious type but I admire him for his dedication, he's our senior pastor in the church, and I pray God will bless him more.

.. i shall continue.. i really feel sick..

My funny sacrifice
Dear Jesus, you know how I love watching the "Sex And The City".. I had 38 episodes on my harddrive which I've watched only about more than 10 episodes I think.. I put 'em on reserve so I can watch on my spare time while eating junkfoods.. but you brought me big conviciton during the recent camp.. you asked me to delete everything and never ever watch 'em again. You said if you are of more value to me, I will obey you. Alrite, you win.. I just deleted 'em, coz Jesus.. I love you more than "SATC" :(

Last Friday night, God spoke to me thru Ephesians 5:

Eph5:3-7 "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person - such a man is an idolater - has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them."

... SATC is an immoral tv show, it's about sex, sex, and sex. Not because I watched means I do it or approve. I just loved it coz I like the people in the show, I like Carrie's clothes, Samantha is funny, the brunette girl is pretty.. I've a crush on Big..
.. but the show doesn't benefit me. It makes me laugh yeah, but it's only temporal. After watching, I'd be left with conviction coz I sinned against God.

Jesus lives in me..
I just had my QT. Jesus is real, he is alive.. Yea!

Anyway, I came back on Sunday afternoon from churchcamp held at JB in Malaysia. It's a 3-day from Fri-Sat, the teaching was about "The Growing Disciples in the 21st century".

I loved the camp, the best! Update again later. I gotta read the bible. :p

Guess What..
As I expected, though I didn't plan my leave for church camp & inform my supervisor earlier, and I'd be scolded for that.. But.. I just knew it...!! This afternoon, my supervisor "spoke" to me again, after a long blah, blah.. he allowed me to go!! Yo!, Praise The Lord! I just knew it!! (I often get an answered prayer.)
Yday, he brushed me off when I emailed him that I wanted to take leave this Friday, coz he already let my other colleague take her leave. I understood that, but I refused to accept. I was upset, so I told God, hey.. I can still go to camp part-time, but I don't want to.. LET ME GO FULL TIME OR ELSE!!.. see, how good The Lord is, gave in to his child's request once more. Hallelujah! I love you, Jesus.
So.. coz I confirmed so late, the supposed-to-be-vacant room for me in the hotel was already taken, but it's ok, I'm sure they need it more than I do, it's fine with me to squeeze myself in at my unit leader & shepherd's room. Should I sleep on the floor is cool &.. cold for me, so just gimme a warm blanket & it will comfort me. :)

Sunday & Monday
Yesterday was a Sunday, yeah.. I attended service, Hallelujah! It's my 1st sunday service since March'04, would you believe? I was a bit convicted & scared of my shepherd coz if I won't go, she'd scold me again. She's my most fierce shepherd ever. I love her. :)
It was our Senior Pastor's wife who shared the teaching, topic is "If I Love Jesus"..
Well, what I learned & reminded of is that.. If we truly love Jesus, we will feed his lambs, take care of his sheeps. That means to love his people which is very difficult, but if we truly love Jesus, we'll do it for his sake. Amen.
I met 2 new converted bro & sis in our group, and it's great to see the family growing.

Today, Monday.. another terrible day at work. Still I was very quiet at my desk, I felt so bad my male supervisor didn't approve my leave this coming Friday, that means I won't be able to join our church's camp on it's 1st day. As I am stubborn, I somehow argued with him again thru email to let me go!!! And I told my church leaders that if I won't be able to make it on Friday, I'd rather not go at all!! Our camp is from Fri-Sun.. and I don't like to miss out one day! I'm very upset.
Late afternoon, I cried as I talked to my lady colleague, she gave me advices to change my immaturity and I must be careful with my actions and words in the office or my boss may not renew my contract then I'd have no choice but to go back to my country. I'm scared.. but .. well, what I know is that I am very tired, stressed, friendless, I feel so filthy.
Thank God I know He's with me.
I'm listening to this song by Avalon.. makes me want to cry..

I DONT WANT TO GO

You changed my world
When You came to me.
You drove a passion,
In my soul down deep,
Lord, to follow You in everything.

I don't want to go somewhere
If I know that You're not there,
'Cause I know that me without You is a lie.
And I don't want to walk that road,
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be where You are.
So I don't want to go.

So come whatever,
(Whatever may come)
I'll stick with You.
(Right by Your side)
I'll walk You'll lead me,
Call me crazy or a fool,
For forever I promise You...

That I don't want to go somewhere
If I know that You're not there,
'Cause I know that me without You is a lie.
And I don't want to walk that road,
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be where You are.
So I don't want to go
Without Your touch,
Without Your love
Filling me like an ocean.
For Your grace is enough,
Enough for me.

Never want to go somewhere
If I know that You're not there.
No, no, no, no.

I don't want to go somewhere
If I know that You're not there,
'Cause I know that me without You is a lie.
And I don't want to walk that road,
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be right where You are.
So I don't want to go. No, no.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Without Your touch,
Without Your love
Filling me like an ocean.
Your grace is enough,
I don't want to go.

I don't want to go somewhere,
If I know that You're not there.
I don't want to be there without You.
Without your touch,
(I don't want to go somewhere,)
Without you love
(If I know that You're not there.
I don't want to be there without You.)
I don't want to go. No, no.
(I don't want to go somewhere,
If I know that You're not there.
I don't want to be there without You.)
If You're not there.
Filling me, loving me.
I don't want to go.
Don't want to go.
(Don't want to go, don't want to go there without you.)
There without you.
(Don't want to go)
Don't want to be
(Don't want to go, don't want to go)
There without you.
(There without you.)

So I Am Blessed After All...
While having dinner with my shepherd, there were 2 guys seated next to our table. It's only when they started to make movements when I realized that they are.. deaf & mute.
Before we left the shopping mall, we went to the loo, and again, there were 2 ladies qeueing ahead of me.. Yeah, they also were making sign languages. It broke my heart. I have great compassion on people who have abnormalities. I feel sorry for them, the deaf for not being able to hear good music, the laughter of people, the sounds animals make... The mute who cannot express their joy thru singing praise & worship to God.. The blind who cannot see the beauty of His creation and cannot read the Bible.. The disabled people who cannot even stand up and wish he could run..

These are just sudden thoughts that came to me. I want them to be healed and experience a normal life.
I often complain to God about everything, I just overlooked that I am fortunate to be born without any deficiency, not having a successful career, but at least I was able to finish school.. Single but not alone. -- Thank you, Father --

Today.. (28/05/04)
Had a bad day at work, tired, so busy that I had no time to clear my own pendings. As expected I got scolding from my supervisor, coz he monitored my calls & I didn't (purposely) do proper verifications, my wrap time is very high, he notices that lately I always get upset & angry at my customers, and that some colleagues feedback that I always bang my things when I'm angry.
--- I DO NOT CARE --
Re the banging of my things, partly it's true but not as violent as he what he said, and I also doubt if my colleagues really said that, it may have come from my boss & the lady supervisor with a bitchy attitude.
--- WHATEVER --

Still I'm not speaking to the trio.. I'm not ok, but .. I DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED

I'm truly a rebellious stubborn brat. Selfish.

I had dinner with my shepherd, she rebuked me, scolded me to death that she almost cried. She is sick of hearing my complaints, she called me immature and she said my heart is too hardened. I love my shepherd, I thank God for her. I truly appreciate her in my life. These are all I can say for now.

I always say that I will do this & that, I always make promises of changing but nothing happens. It's never late.

Wait & See.. :p

A New Start
Last night I attended our combined sub-district caregroup meeting held at the Salvation Army. At first I felt so uncomfortable coz we had to squeezed in ourselves in one small venue, I only know people I can count with my 2 hands(made me feel out of place), and my blouse was too tight and my slacks was a bit loose. :p
Thank God I was obedient not to walk out, I reminded myself that I should come out from my comfort zone. What if I go for mission one day in a rural & undeveloped place, my task would be to serve the people and not vice versa. I'm used to be pampered by people around me, and this is one area in my life that I want to get rid off, be bratty no longer! I want to grow, I need to be mature.
I say I am refreshed once again, I loved the praise and worship, I understood the word, the Holy Spirit has touched me. One more thing, sometimes though I doubt myself if I can really speak in tongue or am I just mumbling.. whatever.. so I just focus on God, believe that He reads my mind, and sees my heart.

There are some things that hurt me lately, but I refuse to elaborate here. I guess I don't have to jot down every details anyway. I just leave them all to Jesus. Though difficult, I will try to love & forgive these people. I trust Jesus will help me to bear & strenghten me.

Just watched American Idol, I predicted Diana would sing out of tune when she sang "Don't Cry Out Loud".. I knew it! She sounded odd from the beginning, maybe she got nervous or failed to clear her throat? hehe.. I like Diana, but Fantasia deserves to win, I loved her version of "I believe" song composed by Tamyra. I love Fantasia's style, sometimes when she sings, my eyes will become teary.. (like Paula? haha) Go, Fantasia! She sounds like a duck sometimes, but I like her!.. :p

what a shame...
Look at me, I'm turning 29 on the 4th quarter.. But what have I done in my life? Did I ever make someone happy? Have I ever loved? What are the achievements that I've made? I'm a freakin' loser.
I'm once again in my most down moments when I feel alone, unfulfilled. Being a christian for 6 years, have I ever grown? Did I ever become an encouragement to the lost? Was I able to bring at least a single soul to Christ? Was I ever faithful to The Lord? Instead I showed a bad image to people, being a rebellious, temperamental, backstabber.. every negative trait is in my whole being. I am a failure.
I wish I could go back to the day I first knew Jesus, and I would make a good start. It's never late anyway, God loves me for giving me another day to live for once dead, I will never have the chance again. For now I consider myself a failure. I wish I am faithful.

Earlier my shepherd shared me these thru MSN..

"The Christian life is a paradox-the first will be last, death in return for life, and we are encouraged to offer praise to God to overcome a spirit of heaviness. It requires faith in a God who operates from a
different set of values that are sometimes difficult to measure from human standards. Let death work in you a life that only God can raise up"

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that" (James 4:13-15). "

"Life is fragile. Consider where you are investing your time and
energies. Someone once said they had never heard anyone on his deathbed say that he wished he had made more money in his lifetime or he wished he had made a certain deal. Usually it is something like, "I wish I had spent more time with my kids." Ask the Lord to give you His priorities for your life. "

I told her I'm gonna quote her & will paste on my blog. I just want to be reminded by these at all times.