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Thursday, 8 March 2007
Inner Ramblings
I watch and feel as the tears rain from eyes in horror. But with compassion they finally understand. Yet they fear and run and make it their best interest to forget. The rage of solitude consuming what is true- the pain heeling the scars of what is safer to be nothingness.
I am not given this curse I was birthed in it, it seems. The darkness so many deface it as an ugliness and ignore it with a unwanted desire of knowledge of it. Fear consuming every chance of reason.
The souls that walk the face of the earth- all with rank of mental emotional standings trying to fit in to society’s standards not wanting to be noticed- and yet my callus heart weakens in strength. I stand alone in a battle of reasoning wondering what stepping stone I should take next. Should I deface all this and simply walk away. Or should I step forth and search the cause of such ironies that has filled the air of darkness with a certain light. I in my blue contrasted hell watch as the statues crumble of my past and I see they are not well. And would he, like me, ever accept the emptiness that I have become? Perhaps- could never face me and see the statues for they are not of beauty and courage but of agony and trepidation.
Each with pain in the eyes and hurt expressed with clenched fist. How could one that lives in darkness even dare risk anything to touch the soul of such. My fear is that fear will beat me again….
Today, Yesterday, Tomorrow
The safety of the shadows, has seeped into my flesh, became kinder to my heart and stained my soul. Slowly over time, for means of survival and to exist, I became united with the darkness, the memories, the pain, the night, the fear.
In days of my yester years, I had relished and grew within the light. The sweet scent of nature surrounded and cloaked me, in love and life. I could feel the breath of nature trickle upon my flesh. I could see the beauty, in things growing and blooming. I could and did feel secure nestled in the warmth of another’s arms. I could feel the pulsating of life flowing within my veins. I even felt the grip of death, strangle my soul. Leaving a scar of pain, in it’s wake, never allowing me to forget.
Will I be able to see the sun, to feel the warmth of it’s outstretched beams caress my features. Will I be able to hear the whispering of the winds, not the screaming cries of frustration, stifled, in my throat? Will I be able to feel love again, to trust- allow it to warm the walls from my heart? I fear there is a spark of light still festering within me- struggling to cling onto existence and breath in the life. Only tomorrow knows what secrets lay in it’s destiny, perhaps tomorrow another will find me and guide me to live once more.
Wednesday, 7 March 2007
last night !!!
I am still on fire with thoughts of last night. Waking, in the midst of dreams and images of yearnings being fulfilled, for now.
Does he even realize the effect he has on me..
How his voice gets to me and drives me crazy
How shy but excited I was that he was listening to me last night
How if he had spoke a bit more, if might of relaxed me more, but turned me on more too.
Taking his voice and thoughts to bed with me, led to a wild night. One that I could of stopped earlier, but I was not wishing to miss out on.
I tried so hard, all night, to keep my mind out of the gutter (as he puts it) and into a game that we were playing. I lasted most the night, but then as we were talking, I could even hear the change in my voice tone. I know he likes such, makes it easier to read me, but it makes me shy in a way.
It is different being shy about him, he knows me better than almost anyone- my thoughts, my thinking, my needs, my yearnings, even many or most of my lil dark secret wishes and thoughts.
My only regret last night, was that perhaps I did not have the same influence on him sexually that he did me.
March 6, 2007 (after lunch)
How am I to describe how and what I was feeling. The emotions were very mixed and something I honestly did not expect. Words pales to justify or explain...
Being on all fours, with the soup in front of me, at first his name was growled and hissed at, and not in a nice way. Yet the first time I leaned down to lap at the soup, something came over me. Was it due to the fact of being in a very open position, was it that I was very submissive, was it due to the fact that I was commanded and did such. I am not sure why I had the feelings, just that I had them.
Placing the bowl to the floor, I looked at it with curiosity and pondered. I could feel my flesh grow cold and the hair on the back of my neck stiffen, as if in fear. Taking a deep breath, slipping to all four, I felt my ass high in the air, as my head lowered to the bowl.
I am not sure if it was the position, the submissive nature I had to get in, the releasing of all thoughts but his, but I became very aroused. My nipples grew hard and ached; I could feel the pulsating off need from my clit. My flesh tingled, as if he was watching me.
Though I was not hungry, I did find myself trying to finish what was in the bowl, the feelings that coursed through my form, where ones I was not wishing to go away. I felt alive, safe, open, submissive and also very sexual needing.
If someone had told me that they did this and this was their feeling, I would look at them in disbelief not able to grasp the concept of such.
Had I not been alone, I am not sure how I would of felt and why, but I am thankful that I was alone and able to experience the thrill of something to me would be something I would of never done.
Entry for March 6, 2007 (late morning)
My mind races, with thoughts and emotions- what he asks..
Will i be able to do such?
How will i feel?
What will be going through my mind?
A bit of fear, of the unknown- yet also excitement grip at my very soul. When such was told, the first thought was in utter shock, but then it made sense... even without the sense i would of done such, or tried and explained how an why i felt as i did.
In his submission, i feel safe. The safety is not one that means i am not pushed or things will not be expected of me, it just means in him i trust, and in this trust i feel alive and comfort.
We will see as the day progresses how i was able to perform this task, if i was and how i felt...
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