la historia de la gorda
i know i've attempted this before, but i'm really going to try and carry this out.
i don't know what it was, but something compelled me to weigh myself tonight. my emotions are split. on one hand, i'm relieved to finally know how much i weigh. on the other hand, i'm devestated to find out how much i weigh.
i have always promised myself that i would never pass the 200lb mark. tonight i not only let myself down, but i realized that i let my body get way out of control.
i didn't get fat overnight. no, this gorda has a history. here is my story:
growing up i was always the fat girl. i was the fattest one in my class. i was the fattest one in my dance classes. i was the fattest one in my circle of friends.
my parents were always supportive of whatever i did. if i wanted to be a girl scout, rainbow girl, or dancer i could be. but there was one thing that i wanted to be that was beyond their control. thin.
growing up, my family never told me i was fat. they always made me feel "normal". i was never denied a snack or meal if i wanted one. i was never told i was fat. i was never told i needed to lose weight. maybe that was my problem. maybe i did need someone to tell me something. at least the truth.
as a kid, even though i had the freedom to eat like a "normal" person, nothing would stop me from binge eating. i would steal, sneak and hide food. anything fat or sugary? you better believe i would hoard it. and not just a serving, but multiple servings.
sure, i got called "fat", "little rosie" (after rosanne barr), and "chubby" by my peers, but my family (the people who mattered most to me) never belittled me the way they did.
as a teen, my body was changing. yes, i got some titties, but i developed a little pot belly too. on top of that, i was dealing with the typical teenage "traumas". however, i was popular, had a boyfriend and was loved by my family, so i thought no one noticed.
the first time as a teenager when someone brought my weight to my attention was at a high school football game. i was walking back to the car with my girls after the game (looking damn cute in my dance team uniform) when a guy from the other school told me, "you'd be cute if you lost some weight." sure i laughed it off in front of my girls, but there is some reason why i still remember that day (ten years ago) like it was yesterday.
since my teen years until now, i've always kinda brushed my weight to the side. i figured if i had close friends and could snag a boy/man, then weight didn't matter. little did anyone know how self-conscious i was when i ate more than anyone else in my presense or had to shop at lane bryant when everyone else was shopping at forever 21. i'd feel a pang of shame and then get over it. after all, i had friends and a boyfriend, so how could i be miserable?
yeah right! i weighed myself tonight and came to the realization that i broke a promise to myself. without any clothes on i weight 202lbs.
it's really time to do something. even though i shop with my friends, have sex with my man and have the love of my family, i am still fat.
i tried weight watchers last year, and i actually did really well. i went from 199lbs to 171lbs in three months. but then came graduation, my man's b-day, my brother's birthday, fourth of july...do you see a pattern?
i'm sitting here in front of my computer with gravity pulling at my titties and rolls for days, knowing that if i don't do something now it's only gonna get worse.
so i'm going to take it day at a time, and i'm going to log it here. my diary of a fat girl.
i will post my thoughts, my progress, my meals, my physical intake, my successes and my set-backs. i will be honest (even if brutally) and hopefully an inspiration.
i am a fat girl, and this is my diary.