Well, let me just introduce myself… My name is Leah, but they just call me bAbY BOo I'm a sophomore in Poly high school and I'm just a little Cambodian drama-queen. Every moment of my life there's always drama, so I want start writing everything down and maybe one day… I'll look back at it…

This week has been so hard for me; I have been helping my mom clean up our garage for storage and I haven't got any rest at all. I still get yelled at by her for messing up… and she gets so piss when I talk back to her. So I just shut up and do what I have to do. At the same time, I have to watch my baby cousin, Steven, who's only two. He's either running around or picking and eating on something. Then when I am finish, I am called again to help cook… it's like I'm Cinderella in an ugly version. I'm cleaning, while my two brothers, Dennis and Gary, play basketball, and my sister, Philina, is resting because she's "too tired"

Then I have to face school… Lately, I have been trying to get my grades up, but it always seems to fail… for example, yesterday, I lost my homework for first period, then 3rd period, Jarvis, my home boy, copied my paper and Ms. Kerfoot took it away, and now I have no papers to turn in, then 5th period, walking all happily into the class, because I did all my assignment and had turned it in on time, I notice I received a zero because Ellen, my play-mom, had copied it… so I failed the class. I was so piss I cried it out after school. I don't think I'm even going to graduate because of my poor credits. But no matter what I still have to try.

And there's Henry, I'm always thinking about Henry… He's always in my mind. Henry Hernandez… Henry is my little dork, or can I say was my dork… We had been together for four months! My longest ever! Lol… second longest was 1 month! Think about that! I was so in love with Henry and I still am. Henry is very special to me. I still remember my first kiss! Oh it was so romantic! Everyone was mad at me because I never kissed before and I really wanted him to be my first one and I guess my wish came true. It was December 19, our one month anniversary, and our health teacher, Ms. Sawyer, took us to a Christmas assembly. In the beginning we just sat in the dark, listening to the choir, and then I fell asleep, because I was so bored. The smartest thing he did was tried to wake me up… and the next thing I knew, I socked him. I felt bad for him and I was saying sorry, and when I looked into his eyes, I knew I was going to kiss him that day. And we did… during the assembly, while everyone behind us was watching us… And it was the first time I gave him a something for his neck. That day was one of the wonderful-est day of my life… And I think of him a lot because he broken up with me after my birthday, March 23, and got with Marlene(Lene) on the 7th of April… Many people have said to move on, but I can't… kissing isn't the only first thing he got me to do… He was also, the first one I made love with! Twice! Valentines Day and Feb 28 was the two days that I always look back at! Those were OUR days we expressed our love for each other. But I guess, he's now, moved on.

Henry isn't the only guy on my mind. There's a friend of mys name Bryan. We met after Henry and I broke up. I asked Lee, my friend's boyfriend to find me someone to talk to because I felt lonely… so he introduced me to him. Bryan is a cool guy, but somehow, yesterday, he told me that he thinks that I am mad at him. Come on now, I hang out with him now instead of my friends… it's just because I was and still am going through so much.

I didn't hang out with my friend much because everyone is starting to go their own ways. It's like they care about me, but they have their problems too and I don't want to put so much on their mind… Our one big group is now little tiny little groups… everyone fights now, even me… Me and Montry… Montry is my play-daughter… I care for that girl like my own. But lately, it's like she doesn't see it. And I was mad by that. All I want is for her to see it… that's all. I know she was always there for me and I see that but why can't she see I was there. But that's on her cause she was the one who said she didn't needed me first.

Today is pretty much the same. We put stuff into the garage and rearrange our furniture… But we're going to get new furniture soon. And my mom just left to one of the neighbor's birthday party.

And my dad is having this idea to buy me a car but no way! I'm scared of car accidents! I'm taking driver education right now, and having to see them video of car accidents scares the hell out of me… but I know I have to drive eventually. But still I don't want my dad to buy me a car… I want to get one on my own if I decide to drive. I always wanted silver and I'm going to get a silver car!

I don't have any money for the car… actually I don't have any money right now. I actually gave Henry 450 for Christmas, 50 for Kevin, the homie, for a cd player, 50 for my brothers’ clothes, 50 for Ms. Murray's good-bye party, she's my English teacher, who was pregnant and had to leave. I lost 20, my brother lost my 40, last summer was 100 for eating at La Lune with Apeter, Veasna, and James and taking pictures afterwards… I gave Apeter over 60 this year and 20 to James. I bought a new cell for 100 and James lost it, so all this time if I was to save my money I would of have at least 880! Fuck! There's more to it! Damn, I really regret not saving it now, but I'm going to start saving when I get a job… I'm applying for Chuck E Cheeses…

Well, that's it for today because I have to go.

I don't know what to do anymore, its like, this whole year, I am full of all these issues and problems. Today is probably one the days I'll never forget in my life.

I woke up this morning but I couldn't get out of bed… All I could think about was the times I had with Henry. And when I finally got out, I made some spring rolls and ate that for breakfast. My aunty came at 9, and took me and my sister to church. Like always I watched the kids. But when we came back, I sat down for some rest and then all a sudden my mom comes home and ask me to go to the laundry mat. And I said yes. Nicely she offered to get us lunch, and I said no thanks, because I didn't wanted her to waste her money. …brb…

That totally sucks! Half of my entry got erased! This computer is so crappy! Well I didn't end my story from the last one… what had happened was: She was piss because I wanted to wash my shoes. She started yelling at me saying all these stuff like how she had to beg me to go wash the clothes and then she changed subjects to how I was so bad and then about how I use to run away from home… all I did was go back upstairs and started crying to god wishing he could help me!

The past week was so terrible! It all started on the 19, which was suppose to be my 6th month anniversary with Henry, if we were still together, and well I always wanted to be a dancer and my friends (twins) Lina and Lisa Pham, told me that dance try out was going to be on Wednesday and so I begged them to teach me some basic and the dance for the try out… they were so sweet enough to agree… (Thanks sweethearts!) And so they taught and I practice… I'm talking about non-stop! I practice every hour till dinner and I didn't care! And we spend our times practicing at tutorial, and there's was a disable junior name Christina that was with us the whole time. She so short and she looks like a little boy, when I first saw her, I always ran, but that week I was like, whatever, I need to practice and she was always around… Well it wasn't all about practice… On Monday, when Lina was the one helping me… she pressured me to do moves and I learn a lot… on Tuesday I end up talking about Henry, the whole time with Lisa…And Christina was listening too… I was explaining to her, why I love him so much and how hard it is to let go… I told her stories… times when I was with him… and I started missing him a little… Then on Wednesday, try out started at 3 and I was there at 4… I was the last dancer on the list! So Lisa tried to help me practice but I still had Henry in mind. James was there, James is my play brother and is Lisa's boy, and he was there for her, watching her, supporting her, he was their to have faith in her for the try out… and all a sudden I wanted Henry… but I couldn't have him cause he's not mys anymore… so I started to stress out and I kept messing up, I was crying to Lisa that I couldn't do it… I needed him to be there like how James was and the next thing I knew, I was walking home, because I quitted…

It so immature! It's like I can't move on without him… I guess it's hard because I actually love him… I actually LOVE him…and sorry to say it but my exs are all just crushes, and he's like my first love… I never felt that way before… I would say it, but now when I look back at it, it's nothing compare to the feeling I have for Henry, but hey… I may be wrong again… but this feeling for Henry is so strange that I can't even move on in life and it sucks… I want to move on… but I can't… its like… I'm trap in a hole and I want to get out but… there's no way out.

And quitting dance isn't even that bad as, Christina asking me out! She just appeared one day giving me letters saying be my girl, and how she has a crush on me. I was like what the fuck! She was embarrassing me throughout the whole school… I was so mad that I started crying! She told everyone… I never saw her since because I have been running home after school. And after hearing that conversation I had with Lisa on Tuesday about Henry, I heard from a home girl that she went up to Henry and yelled at him! How embarrassing! She is embarrassing me… I should have never been nice!

About me and Montry, we talked it out and I really wish she did realize what I was trying to say… Hey what can I do… just because I said I had no best friend, that doesn't mean I'll like you less… I'll always care for my friends equally! I don't want to call anyone a best friend because I was hurt so much by best friends that I don't want to get hurt anymore. And I'm sorry if your thinking, it's because I don't trust you… I trust my friends… but I just can't take the risk of getting someone hurt or myself hurt. Being friends is enough! If you want to add best in front of it go ahead… your still friend right. I'm not a perfect person… I fought with all my friends before… Chanty, Cathy, Sheena …etc… and now Montry…

But all I know is that I'll always be a good friend, when it comes to trusting… I would never give out my friends secrets if we're fighting! I'll never do that… because that’s just wrong… I'll either sit there still or talk about why I am mad at them or why they are mad at me…

Ahhhh!!! I just remember! I am so HAPPY!!! Today!!! I received 3 letters in the mail yesterday and one of it was the exit exam! At my school, Poly High, you have to pass some exit exam to get a diploma… it just started last year so my sister didn't take it and me and Chandara, my tight, little cousin, are the first in our generation to take it. And I pass both tests!!! Math and English!!! I went bragging to EVERYONE Hahahaha… Awww but poor boo, Chandara, I call him Lala, didn't pass the Math part… well, there's always a retake, and I hope he passes… cause he's pretty much a cool cousin. Awww poor Chanty too... hope she does better on the retake… and some of my friends who didn't pass… I feel bad now… I studied… and if I was a nice friend I would have made them study too…

Me and Monique, that homie from PE… got close… we talk a lot now… not like before… she is so cool! She pretty too! Well, she's been there for me listening to every word that came out of my mouth… She's a good friend and it's like wow, we're getting close, and I tell her everything and she tells me things…. I guess you got to spend more time with someone to get to know the true person they are…

Uhhhh! I almost lost this entry's because my computer was tripping and I logged off, but lucky it recovered…. It's so crappy and old… window 2000! Well got to go... bye...

I'm so bored… just listening to music… I hate it when music gets me thinking about my past… it makes me cry…. Awww…hehehehe

I was dress like a tom boy today… I was so tired to dress up… went to school with a big ass t shirt and a bow… with a tight pants…hehehehe I was like a little school girl though… cute or not I didn't care today…

I was supposed to meet with Leah after school, the home girl from middle school but she never arrived… I was waiting for her with Linda and Lala…. It was so fun, hehehehe they were so funny… wish I have a friend to play around like the way that they do… Well Leah never did show up so I went to the park to see James, Lisa, Lina, Sophak, and them… but I stayed for 5 minutes… then I left to go back inside Poly… and the worst thing that ever happened… was… I had to see Henry and Lene… They look like the perfect couple! Man I wished that I'd just could have been a better girl to him… but I'm glad he's happy with Lene… she's so pretty, and nice… man why can't I be like her… she's so perfect! Well, he gave me a little "hi" smile and smiled back but right when we past and the second he couldn't see me I burst out into tears… man… I'm just about to move schools or something! FUCK! It's like I can't move on! But after that I went to watch my little brother play basket ball and then left home.

Man, I'm so piss at Apeter, James, and Veasna… They're my play brothers… they came up with the name "Milk" for me cause I had big breast in freshmen year but I lost weight and I lost it too… and we 4 are like close… well I at first it was me and Apeter and Veasna only… but still… I give them money… We went out and ate at La Lune in the summer… we took pictures… they made me laugh and play… it was fun… and now they all leaving me to go to PAAL… man I'm going to miss them! I miss the old times we spent together! Hahahaha the La Lune outing that we had was funny! I remember the four of us yelling roach and we ordered so many food! And they were eating like PIGS… Hahahaha… they stole a bottle of soda too! Hahahaha… we ditch summer school to go there… or that date I had with Veasna at Mc Donald! Hahahaha … oh how I'm going to miss them!

hey babe... this is my new screen name on AOL... so if you want to email me then go ahead... well yeah talk to you later... Henry sent me this on my birthday… he broke up after my birthday… how sad I was… I remember, coming home, wondering what's going on… why he was so sad… and I text him saying that if he wanted me to be friends… then it's ok… I should have never said that! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! He text back "Honestly, I think we should be friends for now" it was 2:17pm. And what happened after I read it was this:

I drop down to the ground and I was crying like a bitch… so badly… I went to shut the door and I sat there crying… there was always a bottle of alcohol under my bed, just in case I stress out I take a sip, (but not anymore) and I took one bottle out and just drank the whole thing… I text Semaj, my ex boyfriend, who I thought was the reason why Henry broke up with me. And I text him saying "we broke up because of you" And I drank some more… and the next thing I knew he called me up and I was crying to him on the phone… He was like you’re joking me right… that pissed me off and I was bitching at him on the phone… I was mad… and we talked about it after and he tried to make it better… but he couldn't… I didn't care... I didn't like him… I love only Henry… and Henry just doesn't believe that. I chop off a piece of my hair and tied it the next day… two days later, Semaj took me to get a haircut…

What really got me thinking about Henry was that after I got the haircut… I took him out of class at 5th period to talk… about being friends… I wanted to tell him more stuff but I forgot… and I remembered it after… but I forgot again… but I remember I was sitting there and I was like… talking to him and the next thing I knew, I was talking about my home girl Sery. I told him that she thought he was cute… and she did… and he was like, tell her I'm sorry but I'm not looking forward to anymore relationship yet, and I was like me too… and he just laughed and said, man you'll probably get with someone else in a week, and I was so insulted… but I didn't say anything… and what was so weird was that, he got with Lene a week later after that talk… man… did he really love me? I know he said he did… and that I should had trust him when he said that… but look at it now… he's already saying I love you to Lene so fast and that he'd moved on… I think that you should never say you love someone… till you know what love is… you can really hurt someone… you should be 110% positive that you love someone, and if you once love, you'll always love that person… or it wouldn't be love… right??? And all I can say right now is: I LOVE HENRY HERNANDEZ… and it'll be so hard for me to like someone else… hey you can love more than one person, and if any guy wants to get with me… he has to get use to being the second guy in my heart, or just forget it then… but I just can't do that right now… I'm too scared to get my heart broken again and I'm pretty much not interested in anyone…I may think they're cute, or nice… but I'm still not ready for a relationship yet… And hey, if you're my friend, or you know Henry… don't show him this page… he'll totally be like damn! And will probably hate me for writing about him…and I just don't want him to see my thoughts for now… maybe in 20 years…

Well I got to wake up early tomorrow… look terrible today and I'm going to dress so nice tomorrow! I'm going to wear the new t shirt I got, baby girl on the front, and my angel skirt, with the chain belt I bought and the new earrings and my bow and some make up… I sometimes want to impress Henry, by looking all pretty but I just can't… cause one, he ain't going to see anything , cause he's sick and tired of my face, and two Lene is cool, I don't want do that… Did I tell you the time she came and help me… well Henry broke up with me twice, and the first time, it was raining…. I sat there in the rain crying and the next thing I knew Lene showed up with an umbrella… She is so fuccen NICE! She didn't even know me… all she knew was that I was Henry's girl at that time… man she is so sweet…

Got to go… peace….

I just came from doing my hair, I use to love doing it and then I stop and I guess tonight… I just wanted to be my old self…

In fifth period today… half of the period, Henry came and sat next to me… I was so weird and I was scared… it's like… man… I miss him! But he's not mines! He kept playing and hitting my bow… at first he kept hitting me with a bottle that was wet … then he kept on smacking me… I was piss but I didn't show it… You see… he's not my Henry… not my dork… My Henry never smacked me at all and will never have the thought… he did once… but only once… and ever since we broke up… it's always… SMACK… does he do that with all his friends? Well I may admit that I hit him… but I always did… so I didn't change… And he's pretty strong to me… and every time he's playing around, and grabs a hold to my hands, it's like he's just touching me… but to me he's hurting me… it fuccen hurts! But I don't want to say it… my risk be red after he let go… I wanted to cry in pain today because my risk was ALREADY in pain by Bryan…

Talking about Bryan… I don’t like it when he says something about Henry… yeah he may dislike Henry because he broke up with me, but hey! Doesn’t mean you got to talk about it. I know you want to be a good friend and all but trying to hurt him, will only hurt me… cause I love him… and I'm sorry and if you don't like it…I hate it the way he talks negative about himself too… he the homie… I started to have feelings for him awhile ago… but it just didn't work out…

Ohh, I'm so happy… I got an A on my test… it's like I'm passing everything now! I'm so SMART…hehehehe lol…. Naw… I guess I'm just doing better in school.

About Christina… let’s just say I have a boyfriend… and his name is Apeter… I hate to lie to her and show up with Apeter in front of her face… but I just need to get it straight with her… I'm not a lesbian and I'll never be one! But I feel bad… because she's disable and all and I don't want to hurt her… I don't want to be mean because it's just wrong. I could have just told her from the start when she gave me love poems… but I don't know she meant it… I thought she wrote it for fun… She will get over me… She use to like Lisa, Lina, Jena, and Chanty too… and she got over them... right?

Well peace out…

I'm just listening to song songs that remind me of "ahem" Henry… Jennifer Lopez songs: Still "…I still got love for you, After all we been through, I gave my heart to you, And baby you're the only one for me There's other men then you, they can't come close to you, Once I said I love you, I knew you would be the one for me…" it reminds me that I still love him. Loving you "…I can see when I look in you eyes, you mean no harm. It's just the way you manipulate me with your charm, I could tell the love I had for you is still strong, and there's ain't anything wrong with me loving you…" Oh it's so true! Dear Ben " I just can't control myself, Can be with no one else, It seems I'm addicted to the way you like to touch me, I don't think they understand, Why I love at your command, From the words you speak so deep, Our bodies meet, I have to have you!" this so true! And Ashanti: Scared "… It's around 11:30 when I realize I miss you, sitting at home all alone thinking what did I just do, feeling was strong come on and I knew I wanted you, something inside me held me back, boy you got me scared of you.." I miss Henry so much I think of him every night and I still cry myself to seep. Voodoo " I don't know what's comes over me…Because I never felt like this, I don't want to be wrong cause I like thinking about the way you kiss…" It's like Henry place me under a spell…This song makes me cry the most!>>> Over " Can't believe that it's over baby, all the bruises on the heart you gave me, see we tired then we fight then we cry and now its over baby, it's over baby. When I met you I knew you would be the one, me looking at you made me feel kind of crazy, what you asked, I almost did it automatically, but it was nothing compared to the joy you gave me… Although I know that what we had wasn't perfect babe, fooled around, but see that minute didn't phrase me I though by staying, trying to change you would be worth it babe, but now I see that trying to change you only changed me…Can't believe it's over baby, all the bruises on the heart you gave me, see we tired then we fight then we cry and now its over baby, it's over baby. Now I'm thinking I should have never dealt with you, all these screaming and yelling that we go through…. I'll never forget what you did to me…" I seem to always listen to this song after we broke up. But I like to always listen to Dreams “Dreams are real all you have to do, is just believe “I still dream to be with him… I got to go… be back later…

I'm back... man, my head is killing me… we just finished a Thai movie… it was so romantic… wish I had someone to hold on to me! They just finish eating dinner and I want to sleep early tonight so I don't be late for church…

I go to church every Sunday mornings. I use to have classes in church but now I just take care of the little ones with Susan, and then I go with the Asian grownups and when it's done I go home. I have a lot of fun with the kids… but when Susan is around, I don't know… I become bad… she got me ditching church… and stuff and she borrowed my favorite pants and never returned it… it's been 5 months… my cousin told me to let her keep it… but I just miss that pants it reminds me of Henry cause I always wore that pants with him.. Even on the night we went bowling… tell you about that night tomorrow… bye

Ahhh, Ocean just sent me and instant message me and I got offline! Hahahaha…. Hate that nigga… he thinks he got games! Well, don't mess with me!

Nothing happened today… ate… slept clean… oh I went to church and Susan brought my pants (thank you lord!) but it was all faded! Hahahaha… nothing much after that… came home… tried to do an essay but I was soo bored…

Going to go watch a Thai movie now… bye

I hate everything...

Me and James got into a fight last night… as if I care about that nigga! The only fuccen reason I be nice to him is because he is Lisa's man. And I had enough with him! Damn it! He was one of the reasons me and Henry got into so many fights… man I hate that nigga. Yeah, I use to start to have a little feeling for him(Last year), but the second I knew nigga think he got games, then it was over… so don't even think I have any feelings… I hated him… I only tried to be nice and then it was cool and now he just a complete asshole... nigga is a male hoe! Fuck! He was the number one reason that I hated on Agnes… The story is this:

He was always saying all this bull shit about her breaking his heart and I was like feeling sorry for him… then he was like playing with my mind… telling me how Henry and Agnes are ex's and how their parents wanted them to be together and how Henry is always spending times with her…of course I was going to get jealous at that time… I didn't know he was lying… that's why I always got piss when Henry left to talk to her… Then James was always saying stuff about how she was gorgeous and how I wasn't but just cute… of course I got jealous… so me and Henry got into so many argument and it was always cause I was jealous of him and Agnes, or he was mad about me and James… but James started it all! And then I find out that he was the one cheating on her! The fuck is that!!! I actually feel sorry for her for having to go through things with that son of a bitch! Fuck he pisses me off… but god says to love your enemy so I'm going to shut up…

Christina still is bothering me and its fuccen embarrassing me still I don't know what to do… I don't want to be mean because I don't want anything happening to my kids… I just don't want to be mean… even if she's embarrassing me throughout the whole school. Man I need a real boyfriend to protect and love me…

Oh my baby sister's birthday was yesterday… HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY JOYCE!!!! LOVE YOU!!!! Awww she's so sweet and adorable! I love that little girl… she puts a smile to my face and was always there… I remember the first time I met her…>>>I was in Mrs. Skvor class (Algebra) and I actually ditch the day Joyce was transfer to that class… And the next time I had that class I was tapping my homeboy, Dewayne, and I was like who's that? Hehehehe…. She was quiet and she was like so perfect that I was jealous of her… and she was always coming with a different hairstyle and I was so jealous cause last year… everyone knew my quote was "new day, new hairstyle" I never had the same hair style…hehehehe but yeah then I remember always seeing her walk past me and my a few of my homies in pe… and I got up and walked up to her to talk… about hair… hehehehe I really wanted to know how she got her hair to curl so perfectly and she told me how and left… and then the next thing I knew… I started receiving letters from her every odd mornings… and I started talking to her and she became the best-est and only and only baby sister that I love so much! LOVE YOU SWEETIE…

It's past my bed time! Oh the Christmas story (bowling)! I'll tell you tomorrow…. PROMISE…. Hehehehe bye…

Ok… Christmas story first…

It was Christmas, and my cousin Debbie (22) asked me and my brothers to go out for Christmas. But first she had to ask Philina, well you have to go through Philina before you go ask mom cause Philina thinks she's my mom…well for the first time they agreed to let us go, but the problem was only two people can go… so poor Gary was left behind. It was Leonard (12), Debbie's brother, Dennis, Lala and me. But Phraivy (20) Lala's sister and Priscilla (19) Debbie's sister wanted to go to… So the plan was that the 4 of us go watch a movie and then at 6 everyone met up at the bowling alley. So we went to town center and My brother and Lala wanted to watch Gangs in New York and we wanted to watch Drumline… but it was all not done by six… it was already 5 so we went to chill at the arcade. They were playing with the games and I had left to look for a pay phone because I had be trying to contact Henry that whole day just to say Merry Christmas… I found one and I called him up and we had a little chat… I loved hearing his sweet voice. Well he was looking for a ride and by the time he found one, my cousins and brother found me. He had already said he was coming and my cousin wanted to leave. I beg for 20 minutes for him to come and he didn't show up and it was not even 10 minutes and they took me to bowling… We met up with my cousins and they both brought their guys and I was like man I need to call him… So I went to call him to come to bowling… And he was already at town center, and I was shiit… after I let go my girl cousins was like AWWW she calls him "babe" of course I'll say babe… well, he's the only boyfriend I ever call baby, babe, etc… well me and Debbie turned back and when to get him. He was just standing there and I was like Awww poor baby, got out of the car and went to get him… And by the time we got there, it was 6:30 so we started playing… All that happened was that we played and during the time when it's not my turn I would sit on his lap… and he was so sick that day! After that game was over (him with the highest score) they went to another arcade and he walked with me outside and I sat on his lap and we kissed. And then they came out and it was time to go home. Debbie took him, me and my brother first. My brother was in the front with Debbie. And I just sat closer to Henry and we kissed and did some shiit on the backseat… except my ass was cold at first cause the window was down and he warmed me up… we dropped him home and left…That's the only true date I had. I had fun, romantic, and ever thing that night was like a dream come true and now it's always kept in my mind…

Today, ummm what happened today… I got second place in the 400 run thing for the Poly-Olympics and I'm in the finals for the 50 dash run… and James actually gave me a tap today in six period… I was like fuck… don't even touch me… but I was only thinking it… hate him…and Hahahaha Lucy and Socheat walked me home today after running away from Christina… Well got to go now... sleep… hehehehe I always type at night and then I have only a few time left…

Death or danger… Henry’s going to be hurt… and so will I! Today is the biggest nightmare that I had ever had… it all started when I walked into Drivers Ed, and I saw *****, my home boy who’s close with James that day, yeah James was in our class too. Well ***** went up to Henry like he was going to fight and they were just staring at each other like biggest enemies. I was thinking to myself; what’s going on. The bell rang and they went to their seats, ***** was just staring at Henry like he was going to kill him… and that’s what scares me… (Man *****… you know hurting him is hurting me… so stop everything! PLEASE) and then after school, I don’t know why but I had the feeling that ***** had something in his backpack. And I was scared… Real scared. I couldn’t breathe. I walked with Montry to go look for him and I found him walking toward ROTC…looking for Henry… I ran to him with an excuse to leave but he kept pushing… I was up in tears when he was back-up by Ellen… I was with Mike and Montry…Crying till ROTC guys walked passed and saw me crying and they were like “that’s Henry’s ex” and then they said they knew something was going to be going on cause I was there… I really didn’t want to be there… I didn’t wanted to butt in Henry’s business when his girl was around… I don’t want people thinking of me that way… so finally ***** left and then I walked back and started crying like crazy. Me and Montry went to Cal Rec… found James and Montry asked what was going on... and his reply was that Henry once hurt me and now it’s my brothers turn to hurt him…(***** tell me this isn’t true!!!) It’s been two months! He had move on… and so shall I… one day… They know that one scratch on his is like two on me! PHYSICALLY…I don’t know what to do… I can’t sleep… or eat…

My brother was using this computer so I didn’t get any time to type anything out… First of all I want to say thank you to all my brothers… play brothers at school… They always were and always will be there for me... I’m going to miss ya’s a whole lot! Maybe we can go out during the summer… It was a lot of fun this year. All of them always bring a smile to my face… I’m surprise that it’s already two years. I want to thank you guy for always being to best… Apeter, James, Prom, Sam, Saron, Michael, Veasna, Maly, Ratana, Robert, Danny, Scott, Chris, Sam, Jerry, Kevin, Frankie, Bryan, Lee, Dylann, Tido, Reggie, and so much more… and I’m going to miss my daddies too!! They’ve all been so wonderful… Christmas, Peter, Danny, Andy, Ken, and more… My mommies, always there for me when I’m having boy trouble… Sy, Sota, Ellen, Lihn, Cindy, and more…Aunties… friends I go to for good advice: Kaila, Lis and Colleen and my sister… Save the last for best… hehehehe, naw… everyone knows I love them all equally! Well my sisters, they always been a true help when I get heartbroken or need some fun… Teresa, Joyce, Cathy, Chanty, Monique, Lisa, Lina, Jena, and more… Sorrie if I missed ya’s…

I’m going to miss everybody… I have this feeling that I’m going to be gone soon…

Well, I hope everything goes right… all my friends, brothers, sisters… they’re all saying that Henry used me…but I don’t know what to say to them….

And thank you Prom… I guess after that talk with you I realize… now it’s time. It’s time for me to move on… I shouldn’t look back in the past because it’s keeping me drown there, Like I said before… I’m trap in a hole and there’s no way out… but there’s a saying “If you can get yourself into something, then you can get yourself out.” So… Thank you for helping me through this… I guess there plenty of fishes in the sea… And I hope I find the right one.

As for Christina, I think she knows now that I’m not the one for her. It all happened yesterday, it was after school and I ran to Apeter and hugged him and held on to him… Everyone was like wow! She has a boyfriend… Lihn was loud... and I think by now she thinks I have a boyfriend (Thanks Apeter for helping out) But everyone knows Apeter is my brother. Well I’m glad that’s out… well, I think… because all she did was sat there mad and walked away.

My back hurts! My auntie and uncle just came… they sang and ate and it was so loud I couldn’t sleep… now everyone’s sleeping and I’m here typing…

I can’t wait till Kresna’s graduation party (on the 27) his my cousin… he been to China once and brought back a girl… hehehehe… well it’s going to be at La Lune… and everyone is getting their dresses and jewelries to wear on that day… I got my new green dress… it’s so cute, it has Hawaiian flowers on it and it’s like a one sleeve but it’ll really two. The jewelry I planned to wear with it was so nice because it’s made of gold with a Hawaiian flower picture with diamonds on it… but my mom just sold it and I got mad. So she’s planning to buy me some new one. I would wear my mom’s other ones… she has a lot in all kinds of colors but it just won’t match.

Talking about Hawaii stuff… I got me thinking about Teresa, that’s my big sister! I always said I always wanted a baby sister because I hate big sisters (because the way Philina treats me) but having Teresa as a big sister just changes everything… there’s always a shoulder to cry on… stories to tell…love to show… everything… she’s been so nice to me lately this year and I just love the way she smiles… I got her a cute t shirt on her birthday… I hope she likes it.

Well, I got to go fix my hair for tomorrow… church… bye.

Fucc! I’m so piss! Damn! Philina! Don’t you EVER FUCKEN come up to me and cuss at me just because I did something wrong bitch! You do not want me to knock your ass out bitch! After you telling mom I go online just to chat the other night and getting my ass into trouble doesn’t mean you can step on me bitch! I can knock yo fuccen ass any time! Any where bitch! FUCK! Just because I look small and shiit and nice and all doesn’t mean I am. I’ll fuck your ass so badly you won’t even know why your ass would be in the hospital… AGAIN BITCH! Don’t play with me… I got your ass… great! Mom just called… Philina is at the hospital! Man, what did I say!! Don’t mess with me… Hahahaha no, but she probably in the hospital cause she stressing out to much and had a seizer. You lucky, this time…

Gotta go!

Today was kind of boring… I had Algebra and Science for finals today. I didn’t finish my finals for Algebra but Science was easier because I had Juan’s Review sheet… (Thanks man, you the homie!)

Everyone is getting ready to go to Kresna’s graduation party. All I need is new high heels and then I’m all ready…hehehehe… I want to invite my brothers… but I don’t know…hehehehe… let them walk in (cause you don’t need and invitation) all dressed up and come sit next to me… and when people notice that they’re not invited…then..1…2…3… run! Hahahaha LOL… but I hope I’ll have some guy there to talk to… my parents won’t mind! I’m and grown young lady… hehehehe. Oh, my mom got the jewelry set of mys back! Yah! I get to wear it! Because the people who wanted to buy it changed there mind! So happy…hehehehe…

About James, only one more chance! I’m going to give him one more chance! Because prom made me realized that he was not himself that day… This is for prom man! Or else I wouldn’t even look at you…

I knew it… I knew it… I knew Saron had a little thing for me… Saron is my other brother… Me and him… we go BACK! From middle school when we messed with Mr. Marshall, and to high school when we mess with Mr. Reed. Marshall was cool… Reed was the BEST… We use to call him MR. Jack… Hahahaha Jack off! We always talked about Jacking off… Hahahaha we were so immature! Still are... but not for long… I promise to be a good little girl for next school year…But yeah. I *heard* he had a thing for me… I knew it! But man I feel bad… because he’s like a brother… but he’ll understand… rite…

got to go for now…

Wow! Finals is over… I wanted to have a talk with my friends but the time went by so fast. I’m going to miss them… I have this feeling that I’ll be gone… that’s why. But I’m going to school tomorrow. Hope my friends go. I want to curl up my hair really short to make them think I cut it. Well I went around saying “you better come tomorrow to see my hair cut. So they’ll come… it’ll look like a hair cut…hehehehe I can’t believe I lied… well, probably they’ll notice it’s not a hair cut.

I just emailed Bryan… seems as if he was mad at me today!! I ask Lee to go with me over there and when we were there he walked away… And we walked over there and he walked away again… I was mad and I was like let’s go but Lee had to sign someone’s year book and then he (Bryan) left again… And when Lee was finish he walked toward where Bryan was at and I was like man… he doesn’t want to see me and I left. Then after school, I told Lee. And Lee saw him and he called him over… and I was like no. He doesn’t want to see me. But he came and then some girl came they talk and he did the thumbs up thing to me and I was like maybe his not, but when I said bye he just left with that girl and didn’t say anything and I was like “BOYS” and everyone looked… man… I didn’t do anything wrong did I? Hope not.

Wow! Ryan… my ex, who’s a senior now… is graduation! AWWW he looks so cute with his girlfriend! Awww they look so cute together… Oh Ryan! I hope you’ll become successful leaving high school so fast… Man, I wish I could see him walk up that stage! Awww and I hope him and his girl stay together long! They’re such a cute couple… Now when am I going to have someone… hehehehe naw… not looking… Hahahaha or should I say not wanted… lol.

I’ll be back soon

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!! Shit man everyone is getting on my damn fuccen nerves! Prom! What the fuck is going on! Why am I hearing from everyone that you told them I that I fuccen told you that Henry fuccen raped me! WHAT THE FUCK! And that he stole the money.... fuck! You been doing all this shiit saying it's for my good saying you're my brother! Man, ever since you read my web page and got mad at Henry you been getting my life ruined!!!! I get into trouble trying to stop you! I get people saying that I talk shit about Henry! Man what is going on! Fuck man! And today isn't even my damn fuccen day! Fuck the time I realize I like Bryan and I hear he has a girl!!!! I hate everything! WHY is everything going wrong! I didn't do anything! Man I can't I just fuccen die right now because I hate this.... If I was to be out of high school and they were to ask me what would I change if I go back... I’ll just say... I don't want to take the risk of coming back to this time because it’s all nothing but disaster!!! (<<< I was at school… MAD… and I left… I’m fine now) this is what had happen from begging to end:

I walked to school with Colleen with my hair curled up and everyone was like AWWW… Annie-wannabe… So it was cool at first then I went to first period I got to talk to my baby sister Joyce and we talked about her problems… Man, I’ll bitch slap that bitch who pushed my sister but I don’t want it to look like Joyce can’t fight on her own… But then Chris started bugging me like always and I got mad. Then I went to second period but they were playing games so I walked out. The weird part was that this white freshman, I think name Robert, in first period; walked me around. At first we went to Mr. Hayes so I can sign his yearbook and left to Music room were I saw Wes. Wes has science with me and he gets on my nerves! And then I bell rang and I wanted to go find Bryan but I was like naw, maybe he doesn’t want to see my face. And we just walked toward the science building and I saw Bryan’s friend… I think her name is Naomi and I asked her to find out if Bryan was mad at me and when she left I turned back to say bye and I saw Bryan and ran off… But Robert asked me to go with him to check in for office aid. And we walked down stairs to the office and when we walked toward the science building, I cross Bryan and I walked really fast… thinking he didn’t notice me by the new hair style. And then Robert drops me in science and left. I talked a little with everyone, and then Wes told me that he bets Roberts likes me by now because he likes everyone and I was like “what ever” I don’t like him cause I think I’m starting to like…*ahem* (Bryan) and I shut up. I guess I did like Bryan… I just can’t admit it… but only a little… And then Sunny, my cool brother, reminded me about joining badminton, so we walked to the coach’s classroom to talk about it… I met Sivmui; Bryan’s other home girl… (This past days!!! EVERYONE OF BRYAN’S FRIENDS ask me if I was going to “the party” and I felt like a loser saying “I’m not invited”) But yeah… she asked that too. And I actually found out that Bryan has a girl! Man… that sucks… Real bad… I walked back to class crying like a bitch. Man… its ok… wasn’t like I wanted to get with him… I just… don’t feel right talking to someone else’s man… And then I went to P.E when I just stud there next to Paul because Monique and them were next to ROTC and I didn’t wanted to go near there. Well they came… took pictures… And then Mentoyer came and took role and then left. I just stud there… sad… and then Lihn came and told me that she heard from someone that I said that Henry raped me and stole my money and I was like what… but then I was like what ever… as long as I know that I didn’t do it… then why worry. And then I sat there thinking about Bryan and they were all like oh don’t trip and I was like… I’m not tripping cause of that… And then I left toward Drivers Ed; when then I heard someone call my name… I looked and saw Bryan… he told me he wasn’t mad at me and gave me a hug… and I felt better. But one thing I did that I regret after was that I asked him to walk me to class… What was I thinking… he can’t walk me… I ain’t his girl. I got over there and I didn’t care much if I got my pink slip for the driving test so I sat there with Apeter … Then Ellen and I had the same talk I had with Lihn but she added that Prom was the one that said it and I asked her if she was sure, and she said yes… Ellen never lied to me and I believed her and the moment she left I burst into tears yelling at Saron for Prom. And I wanted to get it straight. Man… They know I’m not like that! I would never do something that low… and what for… so all this time I got myself into trouble for him, I’m the one who’s bad? Man I walked out to stop Prom in P.E and I got myself in trouble for staying after by my parents… I got my ass in trouble by the staff and I still followed Prom trying to stop him the whole time… and I’m the one who everyone thinks started it… I didn’t do anything! And then when I go to six period I find out that Apeter wants his shoes… so I go look for his shoes that I left in the lockers and it was gone... I got into trouble. And then we went to Ms. Kerfoot where I sat with Colleen, Lisa, Solina, and Lee… And I was about to cry… then when school was over I find Montry crying cause Palmer didn’t give her a pink slip… Damn and I was mad… We walked home and I saw Prom and I yelled at him and let out all my anger and all he said was that he didn’t say anything to Ellen… Now what do I do… both people I trust are saying different things… I was like I don’t know… cause all I know is that I better be out of that story… cause I didn’t do shiit. And I don’t want to do shiit. Henry is still nice to me… it’s not like he stab me in the back or anything… so why should I say anything… But then the worst of all me and Montry was already piss. And we walked home with Lisa and Colleen and guess who we saw behind La Lune… Subrina… BICTH… Fuck man… Colleen was holding us back! That Bitch was so damn fuccen luck Colleen held me back… Bitch I would still fuck yo ass you in front of yo friends, my moma, and my friends and still walk away like nothing happened bitch! Fuck! Man…. Subrina is the same girl who I fought with on the second last day of school. This is the story:

She was talking her little shit last year and she knew all the Khmers hated her damn slutly ass for talking to much shiit. And we planned to jump her on the last day of school and we only pushed her and she felt… nothing happened… I ran up to her and socked her and pushed her away when she tried to get up and then yell like crazy and everyone came looking and I ran off… Man everyone saw where I was running… I was wearing a bright pink one sleeve shirt and the next thing I knew… I got a letter from the police department… because I committed a crime… And the next thing I knew I was the one who broke her neck and I was like WTF… Then we had to go to court… but we didn’t go because before we went I was sent to the probation office and they talked it out and said because I only participated in the fight I get the chance of being on probation for six months… and I was on probation for 8 months cause they wouldn’t let me out because of my grades. I got off a week after Henry broke up with me… But damn. I was about to go fuck that bitch up today! FO SHO! MAN… I hate bitches like that. Well I got to go wash the dishes now.

Just sitting home listening to music. I can’t believe school is over. I want to look different when I go back… wanted to jog every morning but I guess I woke p late today. I’ll be alright because when I got to badminton practice I guess I’ll lose some of the fats I have. I’m not all that fat… but I just want to get rid of the ones on my arms and belly. I want to look nice for the party too. I don’t know about my hair… I wanted to perm it over this summer but I heard you have to really take care of it and I’m so lazy now. But all I know is next year I can not get a B. not even a plus… what I mean is that I got to have A’s and only A’s! I plan to be a nicer, better person… no more cursing or fight unless they start and I need to defend myself.

I’m back… Nothing really happened today. Oh! I’m going to the Park tommorrow… Man I wish Bryan can be there. But it’s kool.

Uhh, when is my ride going to come! I have been waiting since 8 and it’s 10… I WANT TO GO TO THE PARK!!! Please let me see the cute guy there again…hehehehe… Well I’m sitting here listening to music… waiting

OHHH MY GOSH!! I got a sun tan!!! I am so dark!!!! Hahaha… yeah I went to the park… so did my homies at church but I hung out with the litlle kids… We kept going back and forth cause I wanted to see the “cute guy” that works at the candy store and boat place… I remember going on Mother’s day and he ask me what grade I was in… and I kept going back… Same thing as today… but it’s father’s day. We kept going there to buy candy… And then finally at the end… me and the little kids got into action! Well only the little kids… they went back and forth for me… asking questions! They first asked if he had a girl and he said no… they came back screaming and I screamed too. And then they went back cause I ask them for the age… and they came back asking my age… I told them 16 and they told him 17 and came back saying he’s 17. And I was like GOSH HE’S CUTE! Then they asked him if I was cute… and he was like which one? They said pink girl…. Hahaha I was wearing pink… and he said which pink… they said the one from mother’s day. And he was like damn I forgot! hahaha it’s cool… I just want to be friends… after that we tried giving him my aim screen name but he was busy and they didn’t wanted to bother him… MAN I’ going to the park everyday from now on!! Hehehehe naw I’m playing! But it was fun! I also go hawaiian flowers! And candy! But the whole time I was screaming for the phone… to call byran… man I got nerves wanting to call someone’s else man! I got to get over him! He’s just too close to me that I want him to go everywhere with me… I’m even thinking about inviting him to kresna’s party… I don’t know yet… Well I’m going to go watch this funny as thai movie… the main girl works at a gay bar and they thinks she a guy that is gay… it’s so ghetto… but funny… got to go.

I woke up late today… went to church and like usually watch the kids and then kick it with Susan… man but her moma got problems. She be mad doggin me but I don’t care. I came home and clean the house and now here I am. Oh yeah, I went on henry’s site (haven’t talked about him for a while but he seems sad and I felt bad for him cause his girl dump him… how sad. But right when he wrote that he’ll never love someone like he did with Marlene… I guess I was nothing. It’s ok. I hope he knows how I felt. When I think about it, I spent four months and a few weeks with him and he got over me two weeks later. And he spent two months with her, and he loves her so much. And it was the FIRST time he was hurt so badly… guess…. He talks about how he can’t move on… look at me! I still can’t move on!!! I quitted dance cause I needed HIM for faith when I go into try out! I can’t look at other guys! I can’t do anything… he should know how I felt… UHH BOYz. But I’m ok I’m moving on… I still got this thing for him… but HEY… I’m trying, ain’t I, I don’t want to live my life being stuck to someone who doesn’t care for me the same way but I know one day we both with move on… I just hope he learns to use the word love better.

Henry is a cool guy once you get to know him. He’s always there and he’s always helpful. He tries to get everyone to be happy even if it end up making him not… that’s one cool thing about him… He’s still the homie… and I just don’t know now… that if I am still a friend to him since they’re thinking that I said stuff that I would never say… but it’s ok…all I’m thinking about right now is when summer school starts because I don’t know.

My risk is in pain right now! It hurts so badly! Errr! I can’t stand it.

Errr! We’re suppose to go to china town today! But Philina had to get sick! So we’re just sitting here doing NOTHING. I need to get some high heels! Gosh damn! That’s what Monique would say!

Oh I forgot… If you read all my entries… Remember how my dad wanted to get a car… he did… my color… silver. But it’s so ugly! He got it along time ago… I just forgot about it. The car is just… YUK… But it’s cool… All I need is a back and a front kit and get it done… The stereo is LOUD and the engine is really fast… I don’t know. I still got the not driving ever feeling inside, but ever since I got the pink slip, I want to drive. I don’t know… Well he just took mom shopping with it… But I don’t know if I can fix it up… he’s in love with it! HE washes it 4 times a week… WOW… And it’s so u…g…l…y… Sorry dad… but that’s what I think.

MAN EVERYONE IS GETTING ON MY FUCKIN NERVES!!! I just want to ERRR!!! MAN!!! I NEED SOME AIR TO FRESH OFF!!! I’m SO HEATED UP!!!

Hate this computer! It earsed my entries! Well anyways we went shopping today and I didn’t get anything… I need a job to leave this house!!!

Nothing really happened today… THAI MOVIE like always… oh! I got my little own corn and cucumber garden! Hehehehe… I keep calling friends when I’m not suppose to! I don’t want to talk to my friends because it makes me miss them more after we hang up bt I end up calling!!! I called bryan so many times… either he not home (probably with his girl) or no one picks up… Just babysit… I got online for a while and James sent me an instant message and I responded but I don’t feel right talking to him anymore… but I’m being nice… Ate like 3 ice creams today!!! I’m going to get fat over this summer and the last few weeks before school starts I bet I’m going to try and lose weight… hehehehe…My hair is getting more reddish and brownish now… Well my butt hurts sitting here… night.

Awww it looks so NICE!!! I did my moms hair today, just for fun! So she’ll know how to put it for Kresna’s party. I curled it all up ( half way) and it looks so nice.. I think I need fake hair for myself… hehehe I don’t know if I can do myself if I got bong lee ( My cousin’s, Jimmy’s wife) and my mom hair to do too! Huy! Hehehe We went to Aunty Heang’s house today because the church meeting was at her house… It was fun, till Philina and Gary got into a fight and we had to come home and I just sat there playing games. That’s much for today… hehehe they’re watching dumb and dumber… that’s so OLD…hehehe… I just brushed my teeth… I got to put pimple cream and go to sleep… (AHHHH) I know… I scared my brother once, coming downstairs with a white face…hehehe … ghost!

Err! Got to wake up early tomorrow! I have to go to the DMV to get my id correct. It’s cool. Grandma thinks she was rob. Sound like she was… She said she left and lock the door (with witness) and they came back and the door was open, she went upstairs (scared of course) and saw that the door that she always locked… was opened! So she ran out… I don’t get it… the whole generation lives in the ghetto block and grandma lives in a white neighborhood! I don’t know why she want to live there in the first place. It’s safe to be together… right… Yeah, you’re thinking oh it’s once in a life time… Yeah right! When my aunty lived there with my grandma… it was rob and my aunty was in there and she was scared half til death that day… She moved out and lives right next to me… Why can’t grandma move? Well, I hope nothing happens to her.

Summer school is this Monday; most of my brothers aren’t going… that sucks! Well it’s cool… I’ll just go there to get my credits back up and I’ll be done…

We just went shopping… go shopping everyday now! Hehehehe…. Well we still need high heels for me… the party remember… it’s coming up! Yah! Well, mom lets me pluck my eye brows now! WOW! She finally lets me… and she finally let me paint my nails but I beg to put fake nails… and she lets me… if it’s short. COOL. Well for right now, we’re watching comedy… hehehe… my neck hurts now… I’m going to brush my teeth… bye

I just came from the DMV office. Man it’s so boring at home… …^.^ zZzzZz I’m so sleepy… All I do is play solitaire everyday… I’m sick and tried of it… I’m going to go to sleep now.

We went to China town today… I GOT NEW HIGH HEELS…and they’re so CUTE… plane white but high! And when we came back, my cousin Malida (23) and her mom came and they pluck our eye brows. I got my brothers some fireworks and we had BBQ… and fried bananas… UMMMM… Today was so fun! Tomorrow is the first day of summer school, sunny hasn’t called some I’ll going to just go to school at regular time. Well back to Thai moives… night.

Wow, I actually had fun in summer school! My brother and I got the classes that we wanted and I got a few friends in both classes… I have Modern World History first period with a girl name Wendy, Susan is in there too, and one of Henry’s homie… she’s cool… I don’t know her name, only knows that she wears glasses and knows Nini. Then in second period, I got Annabel Joyce and we were messing and joking around the whole time, but we got our work done!

Today is Gary’s birthday.. no one got him anything… sorry bro, I ain’t got no money… but HAPPY BIRTHDAY, you ugly annoying piece of… hehehehe you know I’m messing…

Talking about Nini, I miss that girl so much! Man why don’t she remember my letter? Well, Nini got this thing going on and she keeps running away from home. I remember the last times I spent with her… She actually ran and came to school and her mother came to look for her. She came and ask me to stay at my place, and I said yeah. So we ran to my place and she spent the whole afternoon with me… I’m not all that fun to be with… we started out planting a garden cause my mom had seeds, and then we watched a thai movie with my mom, and we laugh but then I remember, Nini, saw my dad picture and she was like” he looks familiar” and I was scared, cause what if he was to really know her and tell her mom… But time went by and she stayed until my mom was wondering why she was staying so long (mom thought she was here only for a while) and then she went to plan B, which was to go to Montry’s house… and she did. That night, I packed clothes ( a lot) tooth paste, lotion, pads, soap, and a lot of shiit for her. In the morning I went to Eric and Sophana to give them the clothes and stuff I packed and they were waiting for her. But she never arrive. So the bell rang and I decided to go to Mr. Hayes class, and there, I saw Nini, and I took her with me (that day I was planning a party for Mrs. Murray [the surprise party…remember] and I took her, Bryan and his home girl to Smart and Final to buy party supplies. I gave her the stuff and 20 bucks with a letter with my address, email, sn, and number… to CONTACT ME… because she was planning to leave to San Diego that day. And after that I remember letting her go to Mr. Reeds class, and it was fifth period and I walked by and I saw her Eric, Sophana, and Montry and they was in a group. She was crying and I started too. And we got separated… it was like we’re running and hiding from the cops all day. And I wanted to take her with me to Mrs. Murray’s party but we remember that I invited Henry and Ellen, and Nini didn’t wanted to see them… But Henry and Ellen didn’t go… Montry took Nini home and I had to take care of my party… there was like 75 people in a classroom. But I miss Nini a lot… I wish she could just contact me.

Nothing much today… just go to school…

Hey… read this only if you have time… because I don’t want you to rush through it… Okay? (*Okay) = ) These songs remind me of you: 1. Mariah Carey, The One: “Chorus: Finally found somebody/That could be the one/ But I promise myself/That I wouldn’t give in to love/ And I’m scared/ And I’m nervous/Don’t want to be hurt anymore/This is bad/Cause I know that you’re the one…Verse: See the problem with relationships/In general/Is that it’s always a game/ In the beginning they’ll do/ Anything to have you/ And once they do/ It’s never the same/ And I know everyone out there/ Can relate/ So the question is/ One-do I really wana trust this feeling/ Two- do I wanna let it pass me by/ Three-do you think it’s superficial/ Four- could it actually be different this time/ Someone to love me/Someone to be my everything/Maybe I’ve stumbled upon

I sent this to Bryan… you thinki he’ll get the message that I got a thing for him…. I don’t know… I miss talking to him…

I got so piss at my mom… she wanted me to get married after I graduate… isn’t it my choice… well she just sais she WANTS me to get married at that age because if I wait til 20 I’m going to be single like all my cousins and by the time I am ready… I’m too old for anyone to want…that’s what she said… I don’t know… I don’t like anyone… but if I do at that time… maybe… only if he agrees… I bet not… hahaha… And the stupid part is that she was him to be at LEAST 5 years older… HELL NO! I don’t even plan on going out so why should I… but she’s letting me look for someone right now to be with and by the time 18 I should get married… maybe if I do… I’ll be the first girl on my mom side to get married… hahaha I’m the youngest too!!!

Hahahaha… poor lala… they were yelling at him online… well… today was ok… I wrote and draw a picture (rose [REALLY NICE]) for bryan and i was hoping to see Lee to deliver it… but Lee wasn’t there… it’s cool.

First period was fun, Wendy told her home boy that someone thinks he’s cute and he’s first guess was me! how he know? Hahaha… well she lied to him she’s Mexican and she start out looked at this Mexican girl…hahahha… funny… he’s such a dork… but I cute one…

My dad is trying to get a new job… auto mechanic… I want a job.. but too lazy to get another one…

THE PARTY IS TOMMOROW… Lina [the twin] is going to do my hair [how sweet!!! Thank you Sweetie!!!!] I’m going to go studay for the test now… buh bye.

The party was Great! I had a great time… I dance… ate and took pictures outside… At first I was having problems at home because my mom was tripping because she lost the makeups… then I had to do her make up cause she can’t do it right… I did mys… with the evil look… hehehe… and I curled my hair in. Then we we arrived …
Thursday, July 03, 2003

I wrote something last night but I earsed it cause I had to update my entries… this was what I wrote:

July SOmething.... to depress... computer been shut down for days... and i guess i am chatting with Bryan... and i give up on boys.......................

I chatted with Bryan last night… at first he was talking about this guy that likes me or something… and I was like no… thinking to myself… I don’t want him………… I want you! And I guess… I gave him a hint that I wanted him to know that… but I didn’t wanted to say it yet, because I didn’t wanted to feel stupid and log off early… then I actually asked him if he has a girl… HE DOES… and right when he said that… I burst into tears… I do like him… but I don’t want him because I’m not ready for any relationships… but I don’t want him to be taken either…I’m confusing myself. Well, trying not to make it sound bad I asked if she was pretty… he responed “she is… just like you… I was crying so I typed no I’m not… I got mad and wanted to leave… gave him this address… and I hope I gave the wrong one. Or at least have a mistake on there… if not… then he’ll know by now… Well I told him my head hurts and he said hopes it’ll be better… as I responded to him from my heart “ I don’t think I’ll ever be….” I can’t believe this… I hope he reads this page only yesterday night… and stop ever reading it… [ but if you are still reading it… I’m sorry… I’m sorry you’re the last one to know… I’m sorry…] This thing happens to me so much… 6th grade, it was Joey Harper… he crushed on me and I hated him… and then when he was over me… I liked him… and later… Sam asked me out… and I was like no, but friends force me to try… and I did… but I took him as a friend… and I didn’t wanted him… broke up two hours later… and 7th grade went he transfer… I started having the feelings that I missed him… and Peter Som… he liked me… I didn’t know that… and I treated him… BAD… and he got with my friend… and I liked him…. MAN… WHAT KIND OF PERSON AM I? NOW IT’S BRYAN… maybe I should just go to an ALL GIRLS school and in the future get married with someone who loves me FIRST…

Today was bad… really really bad… I hate today… if I would of killed myself because of today… everyone would understand why… I got to first period and I was so sleepy… and then the stupid little boy name shawn, next to me told me to pull up my pants [ if it was a normal person I wouldn’t say anything but this is SHAWN… everyone in the whole class hates him… even me!] and I was like why was you looking there in the first place… and he was like cause you always coming to class with low rise pants that be showing your body… [ he never talks to me like that… only to others and they tell the teacher, well I ain’t like that] I was like nigga… you wore that same pants for 2 weeks [for real man!] And he was like oh, you gonna shoot… and I responded… little boy you better shut up before I slap yo ass silly cause I don’t need this fuccen cause… and I’ll take yo ass down anywhere… man and everyone was laughing at his ass… watch punk… I’m gonna fuck yo ass up so badly when summer school is over… I go second period and I find out that poor Lina is down… man I care for her… she is so fuccen nice… and I don’t get why the guys are been shy to express anything to her… she needs some love and they shy … I know ya’s like her… step up and give her your heart… then Chris came over and got me piss…. He was talking about my sex life… talking about how I didn’t even kiss him in our relationship and shit and how I did everything for Henry… and he kept talking about Henry… I don’t want to hear about Henry and the word sex…. GOSH Chris… CAN’T you fuccen understand? And then I got so piss… everyone heard about my sex life… teacher came and tried to cool me down… how embarrassing!!! Then after school… I see NINI!!! AND ERIC!!! AND THEY’RE ENAGE!!!!! And she told me stuff that hurts me.. about how people [no names] are talking their shiit about still cause they still believe that I told prom that henry raped me… man… if they were true friends… first of all they’ll get the shit straight with Prom when they get my view and they shouldn’t talk behind… say it to my face… I don’t care… cause all I know is that I know I didn’t say anything wrong about Henry… why should I… and all that matters is that I know. And that GOD knows. What go me mad about Henry today was that I hear he got over Lene in a WEEK… HE got over me in TWO WEEKs… What are you thinking? Girls aren’t toys… you just don’t pick them up when you want and throw them away whenever you want… that’s fucked up… Lene is a good girl! If she’s Nini’s cousin then she’s my cousin too! Cause Nini is my Big sister! And Lene… I respect her for her nice personality and the way she helped me when I was in trouble. I just don’t get it… how can he get over the ones he “love” so fast… I’m still trying my bestest to move on and I’m almost there… and it took me at LEAST 5 months… Man and then I come home… with no rest I have to work… mom takes me shopping and complains about Lina the whole time! And can’t stop thinking about Bryan………………

I had a blast last night!!!! We celebrated fourth of July at my cousin’s house… every one of my cousins [except the ones that live far away] were there and we played with fireworks at first and then sat on the roof looking at pictures we took at the party from Vesna’s laptop… it was so funny… Lala hair got on fire... and the tree did too! And lala… THE FIRE MAN…hehehe…lol…. Put it out with a water gun… hehehehe and there was these fire balls… 8 fire balls shoots out one at a time… and they were shooting from the sidewalks at lala in the street… and he was running hehehehe… and my aunty was passing out wine coolers thinking it was sodas…hehehe…

AHHHH!!! My stomach been killing me for two DAYs… I been cleaning for three days… I went to church to day sitting uncomfortably and we got some burgers and right now, dad is have a “guys outing” BBQ and stuff outside right now… hopes he’s not drinking… he goes crazy when he’s drunk… Sorrie.. I can’t write much… stomach is killing me like crazy.

Ha PUNK!! Don’t you ever fuck around with me you little motherfucker… man I could of kick yo ass so badly but Tina was holding me back! Shiit… there’s this little boy name Shawn in my first period class… and I little boy gets on everyone’s fuccen nerves!!! He be wearing that same pants for two weeks! Man and we was doggin about his sock… I was ROLLEN Hahahaha… he got them gray, use to be white, saggy socks… hahaha and he was staring at Wendy… like always and she be cursing him out all the time… Nigga don’t you ever stare at me like that!!! Well he did and I was like Bitch the fuck is wrong with you.. and I was shootin like crazy even David across the room was laughing… and he said something that offend me and I was like you better watch yo back… and I was only playing and I said I’mma fuck yo ass up punk and he was like when… and that set me off…I when crazy… and the bell rang and he walk out quickly and I walked after him, letting Wendy hold on to my stuff the others came after… I puched him out the door, and sock that nigga in the face and he hit the dam fuccen wall and I was trying to get his cheap ass glasses off and break them shit… and tina came and held me back and everyone was like DAMNIT… and it went over the school… everyone was doggin on him everywhere and when I was walking home.. gues who we saw… SHAWN… and right when he saw us.. he turned over and Lala was like hey heard you got beat up. Hahhaha.. bitch… don’t mess with me… be back later…

I didn’t get to write in yesterterday because I was slobbering up reading old letters:

From Henry: hey baby... i know how it works my home girl uses my cuzin's computer and uses it... but i really miss you... and i'll be on all the time now so that we can talk if you want... just tell me when to go online..... well yeah i have to go now cuz my mom is mad about something and plus i have to clean for thanxgiving... well yeah... take cares and i always dream about you... think of me... goodnite Love, Henry When he was sick ==> hey baby... it's ok... i'll be fine... i just have a cold and a messed up ankle and hand... but i'll be just fine... i really miss you and love you... you don't have to be sorry cuz i was walkin with my friends... cuz i would have done the same... i would have been jealous... but yeah... i really wish you were here... i love you and miss you... imma be online for a while cuz i'm helpin my homie with burnin him a cd... i love you baby... thinkin about you... henry before Christmas==> i miss you alot baby... i wish i can be with you... i tried to get online but my cuzin was on the computer and i didn't want to be mean before christmas... i love you so much i miss you... when i sleep... i sleep and dream about the way you kiss me... i dream that your here with me... when i go to the store and i see candy... it reminds me of you eatin m&m... hehehe... baby... i really miss you... sorry if i was late at khmerlife.com... i know how you feel cause i miss you like you miss me... i think about you all the time... i was out last night at town center and i saw that jacket that you wanted and i remembered that you didn't want me to get it... so i didn't.... every moment during this break is killin me cause i really miss you and i want you for christmas... and that i want to be with you... i can't believe that i can't see you... and in this case hear from you cause you don't want to miss that much.... but it's ok.. i understand... i love you sweet heart... i wish that you were here so that we can talk... hope that you get this soon cause i want to at least say merry christmas and i love you ==> hey baby... i'm thinkin about you cuz i'm workin on alot of stuff for skool now.. so yeah.. i miss you alot and i love you more then you can say... hehehe henry and leah in luv 4ever

The most was from Ryan, durning last summer when we were trying to get together and was having problems… Whuz up, damn this summer is goin so boring rite now.I ain't been doin shit all this time that skool ended, the most embarresing thing happen the other day, u knoe the email that u sent me talkin about yur dream and stuff, well u know im sharing my email adderess wit my mom and she read the email that u sent about the dream, and she was sayin all this shit about her not wanting to read emails talkin about yur dreams and shit. U don't know how mad i got when she read my own personal business, so im sorrry that she read yur email, it was more embarresing for me anyways, but its koo though, imma just have to get my own email address, k baby. Well i'm glad yur lip is gettin better, and i was thinkin about how there's not gonna be no tutorial next year, at all. its gonna be hard. Well i hope i see u and talk to u over the summer more in person.(i really wanna make that dream come true)............... and please try to watch whut u write when u email me, k, just untill i get a new email address. aite sweetie. love Ryan(milky) and more==> hey leakhena, sups baby whuz up, i knoe exactly whut u mean about me and u and all that.trust me,well work something out during the year i hope, its just that i never will get to be with u, and i hate that.and whut do u mean u want me to go bia the gate,yu'll have to tell me in person, and daMN, I can't belieave there isn't gonna be anymore tutorial, next year. but anyways u wanted to know whut i been doin lately, just skatin and shit tryin to get better and all that.but yea, so whut u been up too, u still be clean, hehehehehe naw its koo though.aite i ttyl bia, luv u luv Ryan(Milky) When I had to leave==> hey sups leakhena, I hope u have a great and wonderful time at where yur goin, I know im gonna miss u and u gonna miss me, but yu'll come back safe and we will get to see each other againl, and i'll try to get to yur house as soon as possible k, but i don't know how to go to yur gate because would if yur not outside, do u want me to call yur name or somethin? just tell me, if u read this email tonite then email me again, and tell me whut to do k. seee yaaa, bia Luv Ryan(Milky_ ==> whuz up sweetie, i feel so sorry for yur mouth and all that, i hope it gets better,and u don't know how much i miss u,especially when u told me about that dream, damn i wish i could dream somethin like that,damn, that would be a perfect dream for me (bubblebath@wine)damn, but anyways i do be goin by yo house like all the time, but ain't nobody outside, like when i went today, dennis saw me and told u i was there, but u did'nt come out. its koo though. i hope i see u during the summer, so we can make that dream come true,aite. (GET WELL SOON) luv , Ryan(Milky) This is were everything goes WRONG==> Sowwie i have been ignoring u lately, its just that I've been have problems wit people including u and i just think that i should stop before i lose a good friend like u, k so don't be mad, and i think that its good that yur moving on, be happy always k rite me bacc Ryan(Milky)and ==> Whutz up, i really don't understand y, u can't call my name or if u see me first, y u don't go up to me and talk to me. Why do i always gotta go find u and run up to u first. i bet i could walk rite pass u without u sayin a word to me. It's not gonna work out if u can't cum up to me and tell me things or even just say hi. I'm the one who has to talk every time we together and do everything everytime we together, thats y everytime we talk, we don't talk about nothin or we don't even have fun with our conversations when im the person who is always talkin,cause it ain't easy comin up wit somethin everytime i see u especially when it always seem like im being expected to talk about stuff just because me and u r close or almost a couple. Its feels weird because u always talkin about me and u doin all that stuff in yur dreams but when we get to skool its a whole different story, it just seem like we just met each other, and the reason y i be avoidin u at skool sometime, is because i be waitin for u to say somethin to me first, but u never do, so i just be like fucc it, i ain' t gonna be the one to always say shit, and u should really think about me and u goin out, cause i don't ever think i would be able to be wit u alone, (and i ain't talkin about sex), im talkin about me and u talkin about stuff thats important and just being able to be wit u somewhere other then tommy's or skool, and please don't take this letter as me being mad at u or anything, its just how i feel about whuts been goin on lately, so don't get mad or anything k. Ryan(Milky) This is when Sy told me what he told her==> I’m sorry if yur mad at me, i did'nt want Sy to tell u that we was'nt gonna work out because i wanted u to read the email first,and the only reason i told her is because she asked me how was me and u doin,so i told her that we was'nt gonna work out. Im sowwie. I hope yur not mad or anything, everything should be just like normal ok, its just that were not goin out, and if u don't understand y, then u should talk to me about it, instead of avoiding me. Me and u is still friends 4ever rite, yea we r, so i hope u don't act different. and send me a email so i can atleast no that me and u r friends and that yur not sad.k i don't want u to be cryin and lookin all sad at skool,k, cause it makes me look like im a bad person and it makes me feel bad for u. Luv Ryan(Milky) Message I was suppose to read before SY told me==> I've been thinkin lately, about me and u. The first reason that i have'nt asked u out is because i did'nt want us two to suffer by not seeing each other, But now its different, i think me and u r two different people. The things u do r very different from the things i do, with people i've been in relationships wit. I just think that me and u should just drop it about me and u going out, and just be friends, and in the future if i feel different about u and if u still like me, then we can get together maybe, but now i think we should'nt worry about bein bf and gf or husband and wife. I would also like to tell u that u should'nt be mad or sad because now u don't have to wait for me to ask u out, and i know there are plenty of boyz that wanna go out wit u, and that look way better than me, and that r just perfect for u. I just don't think that were rite for each other rite now. So i hope yur not mad or sad, and im sorry i did'nt tell u this along time ago. i hope u did'nt think i was leadin u on or anything, its just that i just thought about y i really have'nt asked u out, and if u r sad or mad, then i suggest that u talk to me about it alone, cause i don't want u cryin like u said u use to and thinkin about bad things to do to yurself, but im pretty sure yur not gonna be to upset or to mad. Ryan(Milky) When we became friends==> Hey whut u been up tew, u have'nt emailed me at all, and o ya how's chanty? i just wanted to say whussup and i wanted to know when yur birthday was, and i also wanted to know if u like hello kitty stuff, well i just wanted to ask u those questions for something, and i would like for u to email me bacc, aite bia Ryan(Milky) And Hey whuz up, y i never see u at skool no more. damn, were r u when i need u. I've been havin problems lately,(girls). Ever since i've been with u, things ain't been the same. After me and u had a thing, i've stop talkin to alot of these females. things ain't been the same. Everytime a girl comes into my life, they always wanna fuck me up and shit, and fuck wit my head, so therefore i stop talkin to all these fine ass females i just left everybody alone but this one wit the prettiest smile showed up into my life and now I'm goin through some rough times with this girl im tryin to talk to, she won't let me know if she like me or if she wanna just be my friend. she fuckin wit my head big time just like whut happen between me and u, know i know how u felt. but everytime i see her face, it's like damn, i want her so bad. and u know how ya'll asian girls r. damn, i need to stop goin wit asian girls. their heart breakers but anyways, how is your life, i heard about u and yur trouble wit the law. i hope u doin all rite, i don't want nothin to happen to my little cutie, u know u still my lover, heheeh, well I'll talk to u later, bia, halla bacc Ryan(Milky)

But John wrote the MOST LONGEST one: hey boo it's me john umm i had fun today and i think u didn't cuz u were shy i already miss u and thinking of u rite now and everyday. i know u ain't shy, y r u shy around me and i know it an't just becasue u like me? Do you miss me? i hope i see u again when we go back to school. but please say somthing about urself because i want to get to know u more.well today u look pretty, when r we going to take a picture with each other? i feeling sad when i'm not around u, my heart is feeling empty without u. Well i know you like to take things slow and i know you dont want to say the big L word yet so lets take it nice and slow. How did you get interested in me any ways? well you can tell me that later. But i really want to know why. And if i ever hurt you just walk away from this relationship alright. But if i am right about you and i God knows you love me then i know you wouldn't. You know the first time that i met you it seemed that i knew you forever. So that was when that i knew if i had stuck to you and care about you. i know that we would go somewhere with this feeling that i had. I know you might think this is some bullshit. To tell you the truth you were the only girl that made a big impact on my life. And they say if you let love go it would come back to you and that is what i did for a while because i didn't know for sure until the day you said I Love You . I know it might sound stupid on the net but i took it seriously. So i hope you are not playing with me. Please dont because i dont want to have to go through another heart break. And when that happends i just get lonesome and i know you will be there no matter what even though that we go to different schools and all we can still work it out because my cousin chanthy goes there and he sees your cousin chanthy. So he can send you my love. i hope you are the type of girl that wants to have a long term relationship becuase i do. But about the picture taking we dont have to because my teacher told me that when people take pictures they break up. So lets keep that a minimum. Well can you tell me once more that you love me cause that gets me on track and back up on my feet. Leakina i know you dont want to hear me say it but i will, in maybe a couple of years when we have our second aniversary. So i am happy about that . But if for some reason i start to fail i have some really good people that will make stay up. And those peolpe are my brothers, Well you will meet them someday but you already met two of them and their names are chanthy and adam. Well i dont have really much to say but i miss you and see you next time wehn i visit you funny but and Muah!!! :) PS: Stay beautiful the way you are And make me proud of you so that some day we can live in eternity of happiness. Thanks for being a really good girl to me. HUSH 504 :)

Remember the Awww, my ex is graduating… Ryan Rhodes… man he’s 19 already he should learn to e a mature guy… I thought by having that girl being his girl friend will change everything but he’s still the same ex boy friend I had in my freshmen year… what was I thinking at that time going out with juniors… HUY… he got me mad last night… he haven’t talked to me like forever and last night he IM me for the first time in like forever and ask “can I fuck you” and I was like what… suppose he just broke up with his girl and he wants sex so badly… fuck ryan… you be rushing me so much that’s why I never did anything with you when we was together… I was crying for bryan last nite…(email) and he respond: Me==> i just don't want to be myself anymore... i hate my life...i want to cry... but i can't... it's like...people treat you differently or take advantage of me because of one mistake. I don't know what to do... i hate everything... but i got to try to love everything... i've been online for 3hour in 3 days waiting for you so i can talk... i want to talk to only you i have my ex bf who's all a sudden IM me and ask if he can fuck me... the fuck... and he's rushing me to call him and saying stuff about how he wants me and sex so badly... he's 19 now and he just broke up with his girl and now when he needs it so badly it's me... i'm backup?? or is it because i gave it up already and know what to do... and i have this other ex... who complains to me EVERY freakin day about how i didn't even kiss him but i did to " ahem" i just don't get why all guys have to hurt me... ALL guys have to hurt me...... I wish i wasn't me... i wish i was more prettier.... smarter.... and made better choices in life...so i wouldn't have to cry every moment taht i'm living.... i wish i can call you up and talk to you... but i'm leaving this week... and he wrote==> im sorry...call me whenever you get a chance...where are you going?....and we are gonna hang out one day so i can be your crying shoulder or a source of laughter and happyness just tell me when you wanna chill and we can chill 2gether man… I’ll be back later.

I haven’t wrote for a while because I went to stay with my cousin house and we just came back… I talked to Bryan for two nights and I cried and I hate to say this… but I wished I died. Not because I got into an argument with Bryan… but because of everything… what am I to live for… I have nothing to accomplish and I don’t want to… I have this fuccen stupid ass sister that gets on my damnit nerves… she like talks smack about me to everyone that she fuccen see… she talks to damn much about family problems to her stupid friends…She fuccen steal my clothes to wear and I never said a word and when I wear her stuff.. she has to complain to mom… And I have mom… mom never sees me or even notice me… unless she needs me to do something for her… she’s always saying how grandma treated her bad… well, guess what… your doing the same… I can’t go out… I can’t stay in school long, even when I need help… I can’t get bad grades, I cant do anything… it’s like she’s against me… example: she tells me to sweep the floors and she says “ Why can’t you sweep… I still see dust and stuff everywhere…. WHY CAN”T YOU SWEEP ONCE AND HAVE THE WHOLE HOUSE CLEAN…” and then a few days later its: “ Sweep more… you should sweep at least 6 times a day because you can’t get everything clean once…” Does she do this just so she can yell at me… and she complains all the time about my sister when she’s with me.. guess what she does when she’s with my sister… complains about me… I’m not like my sister… even if i hate her.. I don’t want to put her down by letting her know that mom complains about her… but she always has to tell me that mom is … And I hate it the way my father look at me in a bad way… it’s like he looks at me as if I was an evil villain… everything I do is wrong… everything is my fault… everything others do wrong is… my fault… he hates me… it’s like… I’m not his daughter… When he want me to do something or he doesn’t want me to do anything… he doesn’t tell me… he goes and tell my mom… and she tells me… the fuck is that… and I got dennis… I use to trust him with all my secrets and now it’s like he takes advantage of me… he’s so fuccen mean… Ever since he started puberty it’s like he thinks he’s the boss… I gave everything to that little boy… I got him shoes… I paid for some of his clothes. I buy him food… but it’s like he never thinks about me… and he’s always yelling at me… shit man!!! Respect your elders fo… just cause yo friend gang bang and shiit don’t act so hard… I got friends that gang bang I got guys up all over me that is in a mob… i was in a group myself… and I don’t act as hard as you do… it’s like he goes over board with things… he expect me to get him a fuccen sword… that’s 1000 the fuck is that …. And he treat me like shit… I’m thought with this… I swear I do his damn homework for him just cause he ask and when he’s doing my homework… there’s always a return or a favor for him… I hate that… like the time he owe me money… he had money he just wouldn’t give it… he would always say not yet… until I let him do my choirs to make it up… I don’t get him… at all… and my other brother… he’s like a brat… he brags that he does good in school when I did his homework… and what do I get in return… my homework getting ruin… he erased my hw from the computer… spill water over it… and so on… I hate that … and he’s always saying how I get mad so fast… he get mad too… so who care…

and last night did not go so well… I hate the point that bryan has to make me cry… I don’t want to cry infornt of anyone anymore… he knows that… he likes making me cry… how are you going to give me your xanga… when all that is on there is about him and his girl… I know you got a girl… don’t shove it into my face… and I don’t like him saying stuff to me that can lead me on… cause he has a girl… and saying he spent enough time with her would be wrong… if I was to have my bf say that to me… I would be like “ am I just wasting your time” and I’m sorry I didn’t tell him before… I’m not the type that will say it straight out… and I’m sorry… I wish he would of know how hard it is to say that I like someone… after being hurt on and on and on every time I said it… it’s like falling of a bike and scared to get back on… I have Ryan who left me, when he lost feelings long before… so he was leading me on… I had john, who said to me.. I’m wanting for you to get back with me when he went with some girl, Henry, who I gave up everything to, left me… Chris who went out with me and flirted with Sabrina… hate that bitch…, Kenny who went out with me and two days before we broke up, he asked Mary out and was feeling on her… you expect me to not be hurt… I hurted guys before… but I’ve been hurt myself… I’m sorry I couldn’t him that I liked him… but hey, he has a girl, who he loves now… lets just be friends… until last night… I cried so badly as I was typing… he’s always is saying that I’m CUTE… and always respond no I’m not… the trust is… I see myself as cute but not all that cute… and I don’t want to hear that I’m cute… I’m always… CUTE… sometimes I want to be like Chanty, like Agnes, like Sota, like all my cousins, like GLORIA… I want to be like them… guys don’t think they’re cute… guys think they’re GORGEOUS… and compare to me… cute became… nothing but a normal face… I wish Bryan can understand that I want to be notice… like those girl… without lies… cause if someone was to say I was gorgeous … it’ll be a TOTAL lie…

What can I say………… I’m hurt………. I hurted myself… I just read Sabrina’s xanga… you know… Bryan’s girl… She loves him… she fuccen LOVES him… L…O…V…E… she loves him…………… he completed her life… She REALLY LOVES him… she’s 14 and is taller than me… and she LOVES BRYAN… what am I to say… I just think that I should stay away… for a while… who cares about me… Ok I finish reading everyone’s xanga… Henrys, Sabrina, Bryan… CAN I DIE NOW…………………

Oh, god… I thank you for everything… I really do… can I just go up to heaven now…… and prom if you read this… I know your like wtf… you’re my brother… and I know you care… but you got to realize that I don’t want to be me right now… don’t send me a message saying wtf… or should I give you a lesson again… it may sound like I’m mad a guys, family, and the world… but I’m only mad at my self… I want to just let someone stab me so I’ll end up in the hospital… I don’t know why I got that feeling… I don’t want to die… but I feel like I should be death so I don’t have to life this life of misery…

Ok I’m feeling better now… so lets talk about my weekend first… My mom dad and gary went to Stockton for a wedding and we stayed with Debbie family… we went to stay on Friday… we went to town center and I saw Ms. Kerfoot in Old Navy, hehehe… and then to the mall… I followed Priscilla that whole day… heheh I had no money to check anything out and when we came home I went online…. I stayed until 12 talking to Bryan… that chat was ok… then on Sunday we went to the beach and I wore my bikini and I think Philina got mad but who cares… it’s my body… and I actually swam in the beach… how retarded hehehe… and then we went to eat and then the mall again… and then the park to play baseball… I didn’t play… I was wearing a skirt… and then we went home and I chatted with Bryan again… but this time wasn’t ok… I was tripping about his girl.. what was I thinking… and then mom came home YA… I got to come back home on Sunday… but I still had bryan in my mind… came home.. hugged my teddy bears and my size mickey… and then I went to sleep…

and that was yesterday… I went online.. and guess what… I broke up my friendship with bryan… I think I need time away from him… WHY does Lee keep on thinking that I want to get with bryan… I don’t… I like him but I don’t want him…. Ok… let me make it more SIMPLE… it’s like falling off a bike… and not wanting to get back on and someone buys you this PERFECT bike… but your still scared.. you just want keep it (friends) but not use it until your ready…. Is that SIMPLER??? Well I CRIED so badly last night… REALY BADLY… I couldn’t sleep… I swear I think I sleep at five cause I still remember… looking at the clock at 4… I couldn’t sleep… GOSHDAMNIT. And I woke up late to school… I didn’t go to second period… I couldn’t stop thinking about Bryan… so I ditched to talk with Lina… thanks Lina… and we had fun… she cheered me up… but now school is over and she’s gone… what am I to do…