"Aristophanes once wrote, roughly translated; "Youth ages, immaturity is outgrown, ignorance can be educated, and drunkenness sobered, but STUPID lasts forever." *William Hundert* "Great ambition and conquest without contribution is without significance. What will your contribution be? How will history remember you?" *William Hundert* I am ungrateful? You call ME ungrateful? My life has been stolen from me. I'm living in a town I have no wish to live in... I'm living a life I have no wish to live.... How did this happen? *Virginia Wolfe* "You cannot find peace by avoiding life." *Virginia Wolfe* "Everything is a test!" *James Clayton* "Nothing is as it seems." *Walter Burke* "Do you leave the light on after bedtime? 'Cause I get a little scared in the dark sometimes... if it's a strange place." *John Coffey* "People hurt the ones they love. That's how it is all around the world." *John Coffey* "You're so not who I thought you were." *Kat* “Now I know why none of my other relationships ever worked, they weren’t you. I was waiting for you. Will you marry me?” *JFK Jr* “You’re stuck with me now, Mister.” *Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy*

August 17th, 2003 (12:40 pm) Skin ~ Adema My Favorite Mistake ~ Sheryl Crow A Better Man ~ Clint Black Desperately ~ Michelle Branch You Don’t Seem To Miss Me ~ Patty Loveless & George Jones Can’t Take Me Home ~ Pink Damaged ~ TLC Push ~ Matchbox 20 Disconnected ~ Kelly Osbourne Buried Myself Alive ~ The Used Shatterday ~ Vendetta Red The Middle ~ Jimmy Eat World Is It Love ~ Pink This Is Growing Up ~ Blink 182 Welcome to my new world. I’m having a bad day. I can feel it, it’s still somewhat early, but it’s going to be an extremely dreadful day. I can all the mixed emotions churning inside of me. I am ready to explode. I’m sick, mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I just don’t feel well. I’m angry, I’m hurting, I’m worn out, and I’m so fucking lost with nowhere to turn. I just don’t know what to do at times. I try to get on with every thing, slowly, that whole rip the bandage off quickly approach doesn’t work in this case. Maybe it would, maybe that’s exactly what I need to do, but I won’t. I can’t. I just can’t. It took me all week to finally change my wallpaper. I’m a fool, an ass. What am I doing? What a stupid fucking ass I am. I hate my own treacherous heart, my double crossing soul. I hurt. I am hurting so bad today. I do not feel well today. These meds seem to be making me feel worse. My stomach is very upset, I have the doo doo monster BAD, I’m fidgety, edgy, just all around feel like shit. I’m going to have to call the doctor tomorrow, tell her to get me on something else. I can not take this all day nauseas feeling. Every thing I try to eat just makes it worse. Bleeck. I need to get better, to feel better. Enough feeling sick, enough being sick, enough. I am not feeling well at all. Time for a nap. Today’s horoscope… You may feel like you are being tested in some way, and must prove that what you are doing is valid and correct, dear Virgo. Fortunately, you should feel an emotional boost that will help you be confident about who you are, regardless of who other people think you need to be. The biggest tests that are likely to come are those that you put on yourself. You are the toughest critic. Be aware of this fact and take conscious steps to go easier on yourself. ~ Monday, August 18th, 2003 (9:50 am) Watching Dawson’s Creek Let Him Fly ~ Dixie Chicks Without You ~ Dixie Chicks Hole In My Head ~ Dixie Chicks Good morning I have decided to be chipper today, and cheerful, and in high spirits. I have been sad, mopey, depressed and gloomy for far too long. Time to get that chin up, and stop feeling sorry for myself, and today is the day. It’s Monday, the perfect day to “begin” anything. I will smile, I will laugh, I will look at life as a good thing, and I will endure. It is a wonderfully brisk morning, a cool 58ish degrees. I even had to slip into sweats when I got up. Not sure if I am happy, or not. I love the heat, but it’s been so hot this summer. Not sure if I am looking forward to the winter or not. The entire holiday season is not something I want to deal with, and my birthday is 2 and a half weeks away. Wow, happy birthday to me. I wonder if I should delve into the entire “birthday fiasco” of his yet or not. Perhaps it is a focus for another time. Today is my “happy” day. Happy happy joy joy. ( = I had the oddest dream last night. I was walking through a town; I have no idea where this town is. It was daytime and I was walking past a church, an Episcopalian church. All the windows were broken out and it was dark. I was afraid; it had a very satanic feeling to it. Gave me the creeps. As I was walking by, I looked up, and saw people inside. Choir type. They all looked at me. Again, it was eerie. I walked up to a big house, looked like all these people were moving in. I think I lived there. There were 3 people on the porch, a guy and two girls. I semi-smiled at the girls and the guy stood up and introduced himself. I don’t remember what his name was, but he intro’d me to the girls, whose names were Bowen and Chris. I have no idea where those came from. I said, “My name is Shay, but I don’t know what my last name is now”. One of the girls asked me about the school down the street, and I told her my daughter did not go to that school so I know nothing about it. Then she asked me what school she went to. And, in my dream, I didn’t know. I remember the feeling I had in my dream, I didn’t know the name of the school my daughter went to. I started walking down the street again. I was waiting for some man, I have no idea who this man was, to bring my daughter home. She went shopping with him, he drove a van. I was walking and walking, getting upset and worried because they were so late. I didn’t have a cell, and I was freaking out. I saw someone on the street who I knew, I can’t remember now who she was, but in my dream, I knew her. She had a pink sparkly phone on her belt, so I asked her to call the man. Seems she knew him as well. I told her I was worried and wanted to know where they were. She said not to worry, he was coming down the street. Finally the van came into view, and I told the girl on the street I was moving. It seemed very important that I move. I didn’t even know what school my daughter went to. I had to move. The van pulls over, and I wake up. Very detailed dream. I have no doubt this dream screams symbolism, but I am in no frame of mind to dissect my own psyche at the moment. I am sure I have a billion things going on side, inner struggle and all, but now is just not the time. Happy happy day, you know? “It’s unyielding, merciless torture, and you know it is yours for life.” ~ Dawson Okay, I would never admit this out loud; I am becoming a Dawson addict. Pathetic. Somehow, in some weird way, I can relate. Not to the characters, not to the story, but to the words. Some of what they say makes me think, makes me feel. “Isn’t anything sacred with you” (<< Joey) This morning’s episode got to me a little. He was talking about how much he respected her, how intelligent she is, how talented, funny, clever, witty and beautiful she is, and it stung. I remember when someone thought that about me, when I was the one who stimulated him in every way. When I was thought of as being special, when my words were significant, my feelings meant something, when I meant something. Now, I have been demoted to that “fucking snide selfish lazy bitch” (my quotes). My my, how the mighty have fallen. He tells her, for the first time, that he loves her. I never knew how important those words were until I didn’t get them. It’s hard going through the day. I miss it. Anyway, I have a few things to do today. Laundry, and I need to call and change my interview for tomorrow. I’m sick and my wrist is still weak. I hate going in there, then telling them I can’t work yet. And, it’s hard. Taking that step, getting a job, is scary. Means moving on, and as much as I know I should, I need to, I will have to very soon, it’s just so much harder than I thought it would be. I’m weak. I can admit it. I will do it, just not right now. Tomorrow. I’ll start tomorrow. Lauren’s coming over tonight, we’ll probably go out to dinner, something. She’s been pretty cool. I don’t expect her to baby-sit me, she has a life. So, I’m going to go plop these clothes in the washer, grab my new book, park my ass outside soak up some sunshine, and relax. Have a nice day. Horoscope for today If your lifestyle is considerably different than others, resist feeling self-conscious about this today, dear Virgo. Try to remember that you chose the life you have for specific reasons. Even if you've come to a point where you are considering a change, there is no need to feel badly, ashamed, or embarrassed about where you're at now. Everyone has to make their own way, and if this conforms to the norm, that's fine. If it doesn't, that's fine too. ~ Monday, August 18th, 2003 (5:30 pm) Better Things To Do ~ Terri Clark Now That I Found You ~ Terri Clark I Just Called To Say Goodbye ~ Terri Clark That’s Me Not Loving You ~ Terri Clark So So Dumb ~ TLC Diggin’ On You ~ TLC Dear Lie ~ Tlc Baby Baby Baby ~ TLC Shoop ~ TLC Kick Your Game ~ TLC No Scrubs ~ TLC Girl Talk ~ TLC Case Of All The Fake People ~ TLC Damaged ~ TLC The sun did come out, and it got pretty darn warm. It was nice. Just sitting outside, basking in the sunshine, reading, no music, no distractions, a big Diet Pepsi with tons of ice, grapes to snack on. Finished my laundry, took a shower, now have a few hours to kill till Lauren drags her ass over here. Okies, flip on the tunes and browse a little. Damn it!! My Kazaa isn’t working. What the Hell? Had to download it again and reinstall. Stupid thing. The new setup is pretty cool though. I have to redo many things on here. Haven’t decided if I’m going to add AOL or not. I don’t see any reason to, it would be so hard. I am sure he’s already back to rooms doing his thing. Oh well, c’est la vie. I don’t think I could go back to the rooms, just too hard for me. Why torture myself? Nothing on there I want. Besides, if I really feel the need, both Yahoo and MSN have chats. Just not ready yet. I think I’ll go open a checking account tomorrow, so, who knows. It is such a beautiful day outside. I want to run sooooooooo bad, but I think I should wait. This is the first day I haven’t felt like total caca in awhile. I have such an urge to run though. BIG. It’s so nice, maybe tonight. I haven’t ran at night in a very long long time. Could be just what I need to clear my head. Make my body feel sore from exercise instead of neglect. Sounds so good to me. Bleeck! While I was outside with the dog, I see this woman pushing a stroller. This bitch is ugly, really nasty, and yet, she has a baby. She has a baby. So not fair. I wanted to walk over and slap her. What right do these people have to procreate? So not fair. I hate it, fucking hate it. Why can she have a baby? She even looks stupid, yet, she can breed. Bitch. ) = A wave of sadness just overcame me. ) = Every once in awhile, the severity hits me. Usually I guess I simply fool myself into believing it’s “just for today”, try to take one day at a time, baby steps and all. If I stay real busy, writing, reading, running, I can get through moments. It’s always the little things that sneak up and knock me on my ass. Can’t prepare for every thing. Great, now I’m crying. Why don’t I just get it through my thick fucking head? I am, and have been, a stupid fucking fool. I sit here crying, like some stupid heartbroken bitch. GET IT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD!!! People who love you do not purposely hurt you. People who love you feel real “remorse” when they fucking verbally damage you. Geez, learn a fucking lesson bitch. Great, now I have myself really crying. I’m an ass. Lauren calls me this morning, she’s at the condo. She’s spending her last week there. Invited me. a whole week, away from here, right on the beach. But, I won’t go. So fucking stupid. Anyway, time to get dressed, get my ass out of here. Bbl. Maybe. My heart's at a low I'm so much to manage I think you should know that I've been damaged ~ Tuesday, August 19th, 2003 (1:02 am) Survivor ~ Destiny’s Child I HATE my life!!! I FUCKING HATE my life!!! I hate it. I hate every thing about my life. Tonight so sucked. Totally completely entirely sucked. I want to disappear. Vanish. I’m sick of every fucking thing. Every thing is horrible. I had a huge fight with Lauren. Dinner was cool, we had a pleasant time. Chips, salsa. And guacamole, carne asada and margaritas. So far, so good. On the way back, she wanted to stop by the condo so I could help her drag her shit in. No problem. We get there, and there are tons of fucking people there. There was a festival at the beach this past weekend, and people were leftover. Whatever. I figure we’ll drop her shit off and go. Just proves how fucking stupid I am. She wants to stay, I want to go. I can’t stand it there. I hate it. I hate the men talk to women, I hate the way women talk to men. I hate when people try to talk to me. I hate the way they look at me. Creeps me out. I hate the whole thing. I never liked it before, and I have been away from this bullshit for so long it just disgusts me now. I don’t belong there. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere. I just wanted to leave. I keep bitching at her, and of course she gets mad at me. Finally, I take her car and leave her ass there. I have never felt so out of place in my life. I don’t fit. I just don’t fit. I want to leave here. Maybe go up to my grandma’s for awhile. I need to get my shit together. I want to run, God I fucking want to so bad. But where? I can’t run from this shit. I can’t run away from myself. I just have to put every thing back together. I have to stop this bullshit. I have to just do it. Get a car, get a job, get a place to live, go to school. I know that’s what I have to do, stop all this bull shit procrastination. Stop this fucking crying, stop being such a fucking baby. When did I get so fucking weak? What happened to me? I sit here, in front of a fucking computer screen, pouring my feelings out. For what? It doesn’t change a thing. I am so fucking stupid. When did I become such a “girl”? when did I become so weak and weepy? So much for my happy day. Fuck it, tomorrow’s a new day. Time to stop all this shit. ~ Tuesday, August 20th, 2003 (12:55 am) You’re The Only One For Me ~ Allure Before I Fall In Love ~ Coco Lee And That’s What Hurts ~ Daryl Hall & John Oates (I love this song) Maneater ~ Daryl Hall & John Oates Ready To Run ~ Dixie Chicks Can’t Hurry Love ~ Dixie Chicks Blue Eyes Blue ~ Eric Clapton (Another good one) From My Head To My Heart ~ Evan And Jaron You Sang To Me ~ Marc Anthony I Love You ~ Martina McBride It Never Entered My Mind ~ Miles Davis Never Saw Blue Like That ~ Shawn Colvin Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For (Guess which movie these came from) The Change Would Do You Go ~ Sheryl Crow All I Wanna Do ~ Sheryl Crow Everyday Is A Winding Road ~ Sheryl Crow If It Makes You Happy ~ Sheryl Crow Blue eyes blue *Eric Clapton* I thought that you'd be loving me. I thought you were the one who'd stay forever. But now forever's come and gone And I'm still here alone. 'Cause you were only playing, You were only playing with my heart. I was never waiting, I was never waiting for the tears to start. It was you who put the clouds around me. It was you who made the tears fall down. It was you who broke my heart in pieces. It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue. Oh, I never should have trusted you. I thought that I'd be all you need. In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven. And now my heaven's gone away And I'm out in the cold. 'Cause you had me believing, You had me believing in a lie. Guess I couldn't see it, I guess I couldn't see it till I saw goodbye. 'Cause you were only playing, You were only playing with my heart. I was never waiting, I was never waiting for the tears to start. It was you who put the clouds around me. It was you. Oh, I never should have trusted you. Oh, I never should have trusted you. Oh, I never should have trusted you. OMG, it is so hot in here tonight!! It’s only about 62ish, but it feels hot. Sticky. Sweaty. Bleeck!! Had a long ass day. Positively productive, but long and hot. I’m beat, I am so exhausted I can not think, but, can’t sleep of course. I’m too hot, and my mind is buzzing a billion miles per hour. I find if I wait till I can no longer function, until my eyes can not stay open one more single second longer, I don’t have that sad feeling right before falling asleep, I simply pass out. Doesn’t stop the dreams though. They keep coming. Last night I had another one. This time I was in a candy store, a HUGE candy store, with all different types of candy. I found so many I wanted to buy especially this purple rock candy on a stick. All sparkly like amethysts, little purple diamonds. I was about to buy it for her, but I knew he wouldn’t let her have anything from me. I woke up crying. Stupid dreams. Anyway, I am super duper pooped tonight, so I am dragging this sorry ass to bed. I have another long day tomorrow, and I need sleep. Today’s horoscope Take charge of your overall health today, dear Virgo. You will likely wake up feeling energetic and well. Take advantage of the energy boost from the planetary movements to be active in doing things that will maintain your sense of well-being. Consider all aspects of your health, including emotional and spiritual. If you can, sit outside in the fresh air to consider the areas of your life that could use a workout. Take a walk, do some gardening - engage in something both creative and physical. ~ Wednesday, august 20th, 2003 (9:11 am) Watching Dawson’s Creek “Mmm…there has been much pain in your past. Too mush loss for one so young. You’ve put up walls to protect you from harm but by doing so, you cut yourself off from new opportunities, new adventures. You must say yes to every opportunity that comes your way. You’ll come to a fork in the road. You’ll have to choose which path to take. You will be safe if you follow your heart.” “I see a young man that wears a mask that is not his own. To the world he is strong and confident, but beneath the mask is a little boy. Afraid of the world, afraid of everything. He knows that everything he has is lying on a deck of cards. Even the tiniest gust of wind could knock it all down.” Good morning. Buenos dias. Bon jour. Ni zao. God morgen. Dobraye ootra. Here I go again, starting another day. One more breath, one more step, one more minute, one more second, one more beat of my heart. Taking it as I can. Little by little, breathe in and breathe out. Put one foot in front of the other, take one day at a time, yadda yadda yadda. Fix myself a nourishing breakfast of peanut butter toast (all gooey), and a glass of pineapple guava mango juice, pop a vitamin or two (a REAL vitamin), and head out running. REAL running, not the metaphoric form. A run, a shower, then out to face the cold, cruel world. Ciao. I’m lonely, So helplessly lonely *Dawson* People move on. The only person you can really count on is yourself. I’ve spend the last few weeks trying to change things I have absolutely no control over.” *Dawson* “Why did the two of you break up?” You know, at the time, I could think of a million reasons, but now I can’t think of any.” Today's horoscope When's the last time you used a pen and paper, dear Virgo? In this day and age of computers, the keyboard has all but replaced these wonderful tools. In the same way that walking provides much more than fresh air, the kinesthetic value of the rhythmic motion in writing with a pen is far more soothing and even more healing than most realize. Moving your hand across the page can feel good, and unlock places within you that aren't always accessed by typing. Try it today. ~ Thursday, August 21st, 2003 (1:06 am) Ripping CDs Default Nine Days Norah Jones New Found Glory Audioslave Garth Brooks OMG, it’s so fucking hot again. I can’t believe this, every single night it is absolutely sweltering. I’m hot, sticky, and sweaty. It’s just icky. I like the heat, usually, just not so late at night. I like it better when I’m laying out at the beach or when I’m swimming around in cool pool water, but sitting here perspiring just sucks, and you know popsicles are so out for me. Never again, but ice cream sounds yummy. Another long ass day, but again, fruitful. Guess you can’t call me lazy any longer now can you? Problem for me is, I should feel a sense of accomplishment, but I do not. I feel sad. With each baby step I take, I feel more and more disconsolate. It doesn’t feel one bit like success but rather exactly like failure. I never imaged I would be doing this here. It hurts, but, what is, is. As long as I keep myself busy, don’t allow my mind too much free time, I’m okay. It’s when moments of inactivity slither up on me and I am caught unarmed that I begin to lose my equanimity. I could be described as somewhat emotional these days, I find myself choked up over the very small incidents. It’s not easy to get through the day, even more difficult to make it through the night. Bedtime is the hardest; I miss that sleepy “good night” voice. Mornings are also difficult, as is 9:00, and 2:30ish. I try not to be around if I can help it at those times, I try not to be around all that often anyway. At the moment, I have no AOL, but I can change that at anytime. I don’t know if I should go ahead and add an account, or leave it as is. I don’t know, if I add AOL, I believe I’ll be tempted to check up on him, and I don’t want to know, I can already imagine. I have no doubt he’s back to playing in the rooms, he was before why wouldn’t he now? I don’t want to see it, even though it might help me get through times of weakness. I think I had better just leave things as there are now. No AOL. Had a huge fight with Nick this morning. He is such a fucking dick. As long as he gets his way he’s all buddy buddy, but the minute he has to do without, he throws a fit. I’m sick of being told what a bitch I am, what a loser I am, how selfish I am, how lazy I am, even though I have done more in 3 days than he has done in 2 years. He doesn’t do shit but bully us, talk abusively to us and make a mess. Stupid ass. He kicked a box of my stuff and CDs and movies went flying. He threw the television remote. He acts like such a baby. Doesn’t apologize, no matter what, he’ll just wait until I’m “over it”, then act as if nothing happened. Wow, déjà vu. Hmmmmmmmmm… Hung out with Lauren for awhile tonight. Watched The Hours. Weird fucking movie, but I liked it. It was pretty cool. I like movies where everyone is intertwined, (see below). We talked quite a bit, really talked, even cried. What a shocker that is. I haven’t told her much about what is going on with me; she can figure most of it out on her own, as they say, it’s not rocket science. She’s not going to play soccer this year. She has really not wanted to for awhile, but wanted someone, besides her man, to say it was okay not to play. It’s difficult for me to give her any advice at all, especially now. Not as if I am a shining example of how to succeed in anything. I don’t want her to give every thing she has worked for up for him, I don’t like him, I don’t think he has “staying power”, I don’t like how he treats her. But, it’s not my decision to make, I just don’t want her to end up with nothing. So, I told her to look deep inside, and go with her feeling. If they want to be together I don’t want to make it hard for her, (like they did for me), I also don’t want her to wait too long and end up not liking each other. I want her to be happy. She wants to simply go to school, finish this year up, (maybe), study, work, save some money, play “fun” soccer and be available for him. ::shrugs:: What am I to do? She went to play indoor soccer with her friends, even asked me to go play. I haven’t played in so long, not even for just for fun, but no. Not ready for that. “I seemed to be unraveling.” Are they here? Who? The voices. Oh, the voices are always here. And it’s the voices that you are hearing now? No no no no. It’s you. I’ve stayed alive for you, But now you have to let me go.” The Hours was about unhappiness, depression, bad life choices and suicide. Made me cry silent, understanding tears. They feel so hopeless, so unhappy, no one who understands, they only continue to hurt the ones they love and who love them back. Life is simply too hard, too painful, too exhausting. Very sad, and I understand. They plan their demise. I have done that. I have thought about it so so many times, even made half hearted attempts at it, but, I could never do it. The finale of it all is too much “closure” for me. I don’t want to risk what might be for what never can be. I could not leave those would love me in so much pain. I will endure. As for what happened last week, I am still pissed, upset, hurt. It is wrong to hold someone one professes to love hostage by threats of suicide. It is so very beyond cruel. To lay there, making me listen, confused as to what I should do. My hands were tied. Not fair. Not right. Not nice. It was just wrong. I know he isn’t dead. I am not a stupid person no matter the evidence to the contrary. Was just a mean thing to do to someone. Okay, pm meds have most definitely kicked in. Good night. ~ Thursday, August 21st, 2003 (7:53 pm) Not A Day Goes By ~ Lonestar With Me ~ Lonestar Heart Attack ~ Sum 41 Pain For Pleasure ~ Sum 41 Everlong ~ Foo Fighters Doll ~ Foo Fighters Let Go ~ Midtown Resting Sound ~ Midtown Dangerous Game ~ 3 Doors Down Free ~ Faith Hill Burn One Down ~ Clint Black You’re So Damn Hot ~ OK Go It’s About Life ~ Lillix She ~ Live Without You ~ Dixie Chicks Stay Together For The Kids ~ Blink 182 Why Do I Feel So Bad ~ Alicia Keys Pieces Mended ~ The Used Taking Over Me ~ Evanescence Beautiful ~ Faith Hill Hole In My Head ~ Dixie Chicks Let Him Fly ~ Dixie Chicks Nightingale ~ Norah Jones Hopeless ~ Train Bed Of Lies ~ Matchbox 20 God, I am sooooooooooooo tired. I planned on basically hanging out here, relaxing, watching a little “Oprah”, behaving like my lazy ass self. No such luck for me, Lauren popped in around 11ish and asked me to accompany her on an errand junket. Sounded simple, a trip to take the movies back, a post office pit stop, maybe lunch, then back by 2, 3 at the latest. Who was I kidding? I so should have known once in that car I would be a prisoner until she had every thing finished. It took fucking forever. We dumped the movies, then she needed to go by school to finish some paperwork, that was actually kind of cool, we went by and saw her new apartment. It’s nice, she has a huge room, there’s a pool and playroom with a pool table, fooshe ball, etc. Cool place. After that, we hit the mall for a few. I didn’t buy anything, just not in the mood to shop. Found myself looking at little girl’s Sketchers, wondering which ones were like hers, other than that; I wasn’t too interested in much of anything. Then, just when I think she’s bringing me back, we stop by her job for “just a sec”. A sec my ass! We ended up having lunch there, at fucking 4 o’clock, but we got to sit and watch the waves, so, it was cool. That place is so fucking awesome, right on the beach; they even have a waterfall, incredibly gorgeous. That’s where Lauren says she’s getting married. Bitch. Anyway, we finally just got back. At 6ish!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! I am so tired, I am about to slip into a tub full of bubbles, close my eyes, daydream a little, and then park my bushed butt in front of the television. FUCKING KAZAA!!! Every time I want to download something, I have to reinstall it. Stupid fucking program!! It is so annoying. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! Okay, so it appears that I’m a tad bit pissy. Perhaps. I guess I am. Sometimes it just gets hard to be “perky” when I truly just want to stay in bed, covers over my head, pouting. I’m just tired. Every thing seems so much at times. It gets overwhelming sometimes. Before, my day had an end, he would come home, we would lie down, and, sometimes, quietly end our day. Just melt into each other, or so I thought, and find comfort, reassurance, hope, faith, at least I did. I no longer have that, my day never ends, just goes on and on. No soothing words, no calming voice, no encouragement. Just emptiness, purposelessness, lonesomeness. Just me. I’m heading off to that bath I promised myself, then mindless tv viewing and early to bed. Night. Today’s Horoscope.. This is an excellent day for allowing your natural creativity to be expressed, dear Virgo. It could be that the arts will more than likely be very important to you. You may well find that nothing brings you more pleasure on days like this. Consider putting this to good use by painting, sculpting, doing crafts or whatever you like. You will find that engaging in art activities with a focus on giving may be the perfect thing for you. Don't think that I can take another empty moment.. Don't think that I can fake another hollow smile.. It's not enough just to be sorry.. I am all that I'll ever be.. When you lay your hands.. Over me.. ~ Friday, August 22, 2003 (9:30 am) Crawling In The Dark ~ Hoobastank To Be With You ~ Hoobastank Hemorrhage (In My Hands) ~ Fuel Last Time ~ Fuel Prove ~ Fuel Empty Spaces ~ Fuel Solace ~ Fuel Knives ~ Fuel Bad Day ~ Fuel Innocent ~ Fuel I’m feeling extremely Hoobastankish today. Woke up in a very odd mood from a very odd dream. I lay there for quite awhile, mulling over my feelings and emotions, left me in a very pensive frame of mind. I need to run. Fresh air. I will dedicate And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth Of how my story's ending And I wish I could know if the directions that I take Show me what it's for Make me understand it I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer Is there something more than what I’ve been handed? I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer Help me carry on Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes To navigate the darkness Will the ending be ever coming suddenly? Will I ever get to see the ending to my story? Show me what it's for Make me understand it I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer Is there something more than what I’ve been handed? I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer So when and how will I know? How much further do I have to go? How much longer until I finally know? Because I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me In front of me Show me what it's for Make me understand it I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer Is there something more than what i've been handed? I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer Friday, August 22, 2003 (4:08 pm) I’m Wrong But You Ain’t Right ~ Kid Rock Not A Day Goes By ~ Lonestar Recluse ~ Midtown Hit The Floor ~ Linkin Park Whatever You Say ~ Martina McBride Blue Eyes Blue ~ Eric Clapton Around The World ~ ATC So Much In Love ~ All 4 One See You ~ Foo Fighters I’m Moving On ~ Rascal Flatts I’ll Make Love To You ~ Boys II Men Bringin’ On The Heartbreak ~ Def Leppard Freaking Out ~ Adema The Burn ~ Matchbox 20 A Thousand Miles ~ Vanessa Carlton Goodbye Earl ~ Dixie Chicks Blow It Away ~ Adema A New Beginning ~ Good Charlotte Imaginary ~ Evanescence If You Leave Me Now ~ Stevie B He Don’t Think I Know ~ Mary J Blige Don’t Know Why ~ Norah Jones I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark Wishin' you were next to me, your head against my heart If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind Awwwwwwwwwwww, he built her a white picket fence. She said she had every thing she ever wanted, a family and him in her life, all she needed now to be completely happy was the white picket fence. He stayed up all night building her a fence. That is so sweet. I love that. Actually brought tears to my eyes. I like that, and, believe it or not, I am easily pleased. Doesn’t take expensive gifts for me, it’s the little thoughtful expressions. All I ever wanted was someone who knew me, really knew me. Understood me. Knew how a kind, loving word could get me through it all. Knew that all it would have taken was heart felt regret, a real apology. All I would have needed was to believe he didn’t mean it, didn’t mean the cruel words, but.. That was then, this is now. Can't you help me be uncrazy? I’m having a bad day. A very bad day. I am extremely emotional today. Very lethargic, weak, weary, and weepy. I’m so very sad. It’s Friday, the beginning of the weekend, not a “happy” time for me. I have a hard time laying in the back room and not remembering. Thoughts flood my mind, taking me back to when I thought we were happy, I thought we were building a future. When I thought, we were making love. The weekend simply sentences me to 2 days of reminiscences. Laying there, hearing his voice whispering words of love, that’s what hurts the worse. The cruel words hurt, but it’s the loving words that hurt the most for I no longer know which ones he meant and which ones were just..words. my mind is so confused, my heart bewildered. My soul doesn’t want to believe the bad, I wish it wasn’t so myself, but I heard it, heard the words, the mocking in his voice, the detestation, the “don’t flatter yourself”. Three words that summed it all up. “Don’t flatter yourself.” Anyway, let’s deal with someone else’s emotional turmoil for awhile. Lauren’s boyfriend is a dick. I so don’t like him; I never liked him in the first place. He’s such a fucking sleaze. I think he’s cheating on her, probably has been the entire time. He’s a jerk. He tells her today he needs space, doesn’t want to “have” to call her every day. He wants to go out and get drunk with his friends, which are mostly females, and not have to answer for it. He tells her, he doesn’t want to break up; just needs time to do what he wants to do. Fuck that. He wants to go out and play, let the asshole go. She has done so much for him, changed so many things in her life for him, and it’s never enough. She should have dumped his ass long ago. She has been thinking of moving to be with him too, said she was going to put an application in at ASU for grad school. Not good. Fucking asshole. I know he’s about to break up with her. I can feel it. Stupid fuck. She’s supposed to stop by tonight, hang out. I really don’t want to deal with her heartache at the moment, I have my own on the mend. If he is going to break up with her, I wish he’d just do it, get it over with, and don’t drag it out. Well, at least now I’m pissed. I am having super bad cramps. ) = Just what I need to make me feel even shittier. I feel as if I am teetering on emotional overload as is, I do not need a shove from the PMS demon. Maybe I’ll blow Lauren off, sedate myself, grab the heating pad, and lie dormant for the weekend. This is going to be a very long weekend. I can feel the depression circling me, waiting to swoop in and take control. I should just surrender, allow it to swallow me. Just let go, give in. Can one perish from sheer desolation? Out across the endless sea I would die in ecstasy But I'll be a bag of bones Driving down the road alone Friday, August 22, 2003 (4:48 pm) Somewhere I Belong ~ Linkin Park You know, I am such a stupid ass. I sit around, feeling all sad and depressed, while he plays. Am I a fucking ass fool or what? Thanks Lauren. Enlightenment. Once a fool, alwaus a fool. Why do I sit here, mourning what never was, while he entertains himself with others? Fuck this. What's good for the gander is good for the goose. What a stupid fuck I was. When will I fucking learn??? God, I should kick my own ass. I guess I owe you a thank you, thank you for reminding me what a fucking fool I am/was. To think, I almost broke down. How fucking stupid is that? It's not like I didn't know he'd go right back into chats, fuck, he was there the last time. That's where he got me. Guess it's time for a replacement. God, how fucking stupid I am. Well, have fun playing with your new "friends". I'm out for now. Friday, August 22, 2003 (11:20 pm) To Be With You ~ Mr. Big Too Little Too Late ~ Hoobastank What A Girl Wants ~ Christina Aguilera When You Come Back Again ~ Garth Brooks Life Gets Away ~ Clint Black Sex And Candy ~ Marcy Playground Ten Rounds With Jose Cuervo ~ Tracey Byrd Going, Going, Gone ~ Tammy Cochran Makin’ A Mess ~ Skid Row Imagine ~ John Lennon Don’t Call Me Baby ~ Madison Avenue Pour Some Sugar On Me ~ Def Leppard I’m Already There ~ Lonestar Into You ~ Fabolous feat. Tamia When The Children Cry ~ White Lion From Time To Time ~ Rascal Flatts Give Me One Reason ~ Tracey Chapman You Oughta Know ~ Alanis Morissette "I dreamed of you. I dreamed you were wandering in the dark, and so was I. We found each other. We found each other in the dark." I can’t sleep. I tried watching a movie, The Green Mile, perhaps not the best choice for the emotional state I am in at the moment. I am about to go over the edge, fall to pieces. I’m sad, so very fucking sad, hurt, lost and completely confused. My heart is such a traitor, betraying me at every turn. My mind is no better, urging me to act out in rash reckless behavior before actually thinking it through. I am sorry. I honestly do not want to hurt him, and it seems as if I don’t always think before I act. For behaving badly, I apologize, but the truth is the truth. He’s back at it already, why am I so surprised? As he told me, “Don’t flatter yourself”. Why would I have any impression I was “special” when it is so obvious I wasn’t? ”There’s just this big empty spot in the bed where my husband used to sleep.” The movie made me feel even more depressed. I find myself seething with resentment watching people kiss, hug, even touch. I cried when she kissed him on the top of the head. Her wedding ring causes enormous envious feelings to swirl inside me. I want to be married, to have a forever after relationship. I want the fairy tale. For most of my life, I never thought I would live happily ever after. I did not believe I was capable of either loving someone so deeply or finding someone I would allow to love me. I truly thought at some point I would simply settle, have kids, and accept my lot in life. Never did I dream I could feel love at this level. I don’t even know if I believed it existed. That’s how it was for me anyway. Forever after love. There will never be another for me, after this, I can no longer settle. I won’t. No other man holds anything for me, maybe that’s why it hurt so bad to hear he was back carousing. I can’t. Especially not in a chat room. It’s like going back to the place we met to meet other people. It’s not something I would do, and I didn’t think he would either. I was hurt earlier, and then, naturally, angry. I was going to go ahead and open my own AOL account, go visit a few chats myself. But, I’m not; I’m not like that anymore. Chat rooms no longer hold any interest for me. I don’t want to exchange “banter” with some stranger. I don’t want to make “friends” on here. I know what happens in chats, I have been there. I’m not going back. I don’t need to find comfort in anyone else. Anyway, that’s how it is for me, as for him, he’s his own man, can do as he pleases, it was my stupid fault to ask her to check on him. Wasn’t as if I didn’t know what he was doing. I got what I deserved. Oh well.. I’m going to try and go to bed. I have a terrible headache and am so close to losing it emotionally. I wish I just would, for once and for all, just break down emotionally. Hell if Mariah can do it, why can’t I? I don’t have that kind of good luck, instead, I will continue to hang on by my fingertips, barely making it. Such is life. Today’s horoscope… Are you satisfied with your current career, dear Virgo? If not, start by sitting down and making a plan. There are specific steps that can be taken to give you the greatest advantage to the opportunities available. Consider visiting the career sites on the web, as there are wonderful articles and tips out there for the taking. Don't settle for less than you deserve. See what you can find and take steps towards a more fulfilling career. Love horoscope... It is very easy to hide behind a veil of indifference and coldness, and it is the planetary aspect that is forming that will probably compound this. It just does not feel very pleasant for you or for the other person concerned. It is worth making the effort to break through this barrier, and to make a move toward open communication, even if it is a little awkward for a while. ~ Saturday. August 23rd, 2003 ( 1:50 pm ) Happy Endings ~ The All~American Rejects You’re Still The One ~ Shania Twain Wish I Didn’t Know Now What I Did Know Then ~ Toby Keith That’s How Love Moves ~ Faith Hill Drift Away ~ Uncle Cracker Not The Doctor ~ Alanis Morissette I Don’t Call Him Daddy ~ Doug Supernaw The Weakness In Me ~ Melissa Etheridge Baby Baby Baby ~ TLC Bang ~ Eve 6 Without You ~ Dixie Chicks (this song pops up a lot) Come Dig Me Out ~ Kelly Osbourne OMG!!! I just woke up!! At 1:30ish!! I did some serious sleeping. The pms kicked in sometime last night, but I did wake up at 5:30 this morning, and did not want to spend the morning up, so, I swallowed more and slept my ass off. Had some detailed freaky ass dreams as well. It feels good, I don’t think I have slept that much in a week put together. ::stretchinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng:: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.. I think I’m supposed to go watch Lauren play soccer today. I don’t remember, but I think she called me last night while I was sleeping. LoL, I’m not sure, maybe I was dreaming. Damn, I was soooooooooooooooo out. I’m still a tad groggy. It’s a nice day out, sunny, warm, beautiful sky, might be just what I need. I awoke to “enlightenment” this morning. The fact he can go play in chats already is a huge flashing billboard to remind me how insincere every thing was. So, I guess I have to just accept it and deal, and I have. Hearing that he was there hurt at first, but I think it was exactly what I needed at the moment. I was sincerely missing him, who knows how stupid I would have been this weekend, but, I am back on track. Thank you for reminding me that you are not the man I thought I knew, I don’t know who you were when I allowed myself to fall in love with you, but it’s not the you now. Enjoy your pic swapping and “sparring” with others. You’re not the man I thought you were, I don’t even know you anymore. Thank you for proving it once again. “This is how you remind me Of what I really am This is how you remind me Of what I really am It's not like you to say sorry I was waiting on a different story This time I'm mistaken For handing you A heart worth breaking And I've been wrong I've been down” Well I never thought I'd be lying here without you by my side It seems unreal to me that the life you promised was a lie You made it look so easy making love into memories I guess you got what you wanted but what about me 'cause Seems as if I did agree to go with her, so, I need to grub some food and jump in the shower. See yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! ( = Today”s horoscope.. You might feel more energetic than you have in a long time again today, dear Virgo. The powerful energy that increased your mental acuity and physical strength yesterday is still available to you and this can really help to finish up anything that's still remaining. If you managed to accomplish so much already that you've got time to spare, it would be fine to help others with their load. Be sure to put yours first, though. ~ Sunday, August 24, 2003 (4:30 am) It’s 3:41 in the morning, I can’t sleep. I keep taking these pm meds but nothing is helping. As soon as I lay down, my heart starts to pound. I can’t breathe, I can’t think straight. You lied to me, you said you didn’t lock me out of anything, but you did, you locked me out of fruity and king. I can figure out why. You lied. All I can think of is how you keep telling me how eyecandi, thekingscandi and the snotty 0ne belong to you and I have no right taking them, well shit, what about your pics, who you are. Aren’t those supposed to be mine? What right do you have to share those with other women? What right do you have to allow women to look you over in that way? To look at your face, your eyes, your mouth, your arms, chest, body in that manner? And aren’t you supposed to keep to me? Yet, you are also looking at other women in such a manner. Their eyes, hair, mouth, body. How would you like if some dirty mouthed AOL man, no, 3 men, who run their nasty mouths in a chat were staring at me. Image if I sent my pic to some man who behaved as your friend does. How about if I asked him how many women he had been with? You were flirtatious, playful. You spoke French. Sang. And you don’t see where that is disrespectful to me. It is. I want you to take the French phrase off your profile. It’s meaningless now. I’m upset. I’m shaking. I can’t sleep. I have this deep need for something I have no idea what it is. All that keeps flowing through my mind is if this is how you act when I can see you, how are you when I can’t? What are you like out of my sight? I don’t know. I’m confused. How many times have you told me how you would never put yourself in a bad position? Yet, you have. You sent and received three pics. That you have told me about. You locked me out. I feel betrayed. I feel cheated on. How can you speak to me of vows? You asked me to have faith in you, yet, you are in chats, flirting, playing, teasing. You haven’t been anywhere near that kind to me in I have no idea how long. You give strangers your wit, charm, personality, you allow them to look at you, and you know how those women are. You yourself have told me how they are. Yet, there you are, bonding. And you did bond with that lisa thing, I watched you do it. Makes me wonder how friendly you were with the rest. I no longer trust you. How can I? You need other women to want you, you said so yourself, how can I believe you can settle for only one, me? How can I believe you won’t seek comfort in another with every fight we have? You have before, that I know of. You did with that one you shared telephone conversations with. And now, I am disgusted with myself. What I did. How I lowered myself to spying. Yet, I did it. I had hoped so bad to see you not talking, especially not flirting, giving personal information, (I do math for my job), how tall you are, your age, you shared with them. The whole room. Who are you? I never believed you would do that. And, now I feel like Steve’s wife, always throwing jabs. You said I was just like her, seems I am. I don’t want to be that woman, but my heart feels deceived. This whole time, it was my heart pulling for you all along, while my head tried to convince me of the truth, my heart stayed on your side. My soul was on your side. They now feel broken. Not even two weeks, and I honestly have no idea when you started the room thing. I saw you myself the last time, and I watched you this time. Look at me. Who am I to do something so sneaky? I am ashamed of myself. Humiliated. Some things are supposed to be special. Scared. How many times have you told me I belong to you? Did you not tell me how I better not be unfaithful to you? Yet, what is it you were? You said you did nothing wrong, then I don’t know who you are. The man I knew, loved, married, understood intimacy. I don’t want to be mean to you. I don’t, but I can’t get this out of my mind. I close my eyes and see you talking to her, and my imagination with the rest goes crazy. My faith is broken. I don’t understand. You opened yourself up to them. Allowed them access to you. That hurts. Some other women were looking at you in the way AOL women look at AOL men. You were looking back, as well as looking at profile pics. That hurts me. Truly hurts me. I only wanted to be special. I wanted what we had to be special. Now what? I’m lost. I’m so fucking lost. How could you go back so easily? You told me you couldn’t. You promised me you would never put yourself in a position like that. Did you think I would never know? Did you think it wouldn’t hurt me? Did you think you wouldn’t have to tell me? How did you justify it? Not just once, three times. Three women looking at you, judging you. Looking at you in a sexual way. And if you say they aren’t, you are lying to both of us now. How would you like some man having my picture available to him whenever he wanted? To look at my eyes, my tummy, my breasts. To share my pic with others. To tell me how good I looked. To be able to have it at his disposal anytime. You wanted women to look at you. You wanted to look at them. I don’t know you. You aren’t the man I thought you were. How can you speak to others about keeping vows when you know, how could you not know, what sharing your pics means to me? You know how those women are, and one so fucking close. I don’t know what to do. How am I supposed to get this out of my mind? How am I supposed to trust you? I don’t understand. It’s 4:20, and I am no closer to calming down than an hour ago. You took “our” name into a chat and shared yourself. You think having the profile you do changes things? You still got involved. You still crossed the line. I hate AOL. I hate chat rooms. I hate how those women talk to you and how you talked to them. I hate how you allowed it. I hate that you sent pics and took pics. It makes me sick to my stomach to imagine it. She looked at you. You looked at her. And that’s one exchange I saw, I can only imagine the others. I feel betrayed, cheated on. I told you how I was feeling, you told me to have faith. Have faith. In what? How can you call what you did innocent? It was not innocent. It was awful. It was wrong. It is betraying me, us. And I can’t sleep. I want to get in the truck and go somewhere. I want to drive to the beach and throw myself in. I believed in you. Even when I was afraid, I believed in you. I believed you when you told me you wouldn’t do anything like that. I believed you when you said you don’t put yourself in bad places. I believed in you. Even when we were fighting, I believed in you. I believed in you. What do I have now to believe in if I can't believe in you? ~ Sunday, August 24, 2003 (9:51 pm) Back To Me ~ Nine Days One More Night ~ Phil Collins New Way Home ~ Foo Fighters Island In The Sun ~ Weezer I’m tired, beyond tired, exhausted. I haven’t slept in 20 hours. Haven’t eaten in 2 days. I feel like shit, I look like shit. I have a headache, my chest hurts and I have no idea when I’ll stop crying. This is why I didn’t want to allow myself to cry in the first place. I don’t want to feel this way. Sad, hurt, crushed. I want to be happy, excited, safe. I want to feel safe and secure, not afraid. Not worried. I don’t want to have this huge wall of distrust between us. The fact that you still have me locked out of the king name does not allow me to feel good about this, it makes me feel as if there is something you are hiding. I don’t like feeling so insecure. It feels like shit. I don’t want to mistrust you. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. Anyway, I’m going to bed. I just wanted to fix the things I needed to. Good night. I love you. Monday, August 25, 2003 (10:59 pm) Happy Endings ~ The All~American Rejects Little Things ~ Good Charlotte Noise And Kisses ~ The Used I’ll Never Break Your Heart ~ Backstreet Boys Say It ~ Voices Of Theory Desperately ~ Michelle Branch Nice And Slow ~ Usher Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. What a truly wonderful day/night. To hear that voice I so missed so much whispering sweet tender words of love in my ear. I missed him; I missed more than I can put into words. Lying there, wrapped in his love, caressed by his words, wiping each others tears as the fall. Allowing wounds to be heard then healing them with compassion, understanding, acceptance and love, oodles of love. I love you. So much. Always.