Demigod,

 

            This is a letter to the guild. To my friends, my family, to all of you who have grown to fond of me. Durin, Angel, Belle, Kenshin, Farf, Yoshi, Kika, and yes even Kaye. To all of you who have entered my life and settle down in my heart

 

            I want to tell you all a story, to help you understand who I am. It’s a story of a boy, who was born into poverty. Born of a homeless drunken mother, to an alcoholic abusive father. A boy whos ealiest memory is his aunt being beaten by her fiance. Of his aunt being raped by this tyranical man with no guilt or conscience. A boy whos father beat him daily, with the heaviest, most painful object he could find. Repeatedly, until the boy ended up in the hospital once too many times. The boys mother, terrible as she may have been, loved the boy very much. So she ran from his father, and took the boy and his brother with her. Sadly, the boys mother had no where to go, but even being homeless was better than the certain death that the boy’s father offered.

 

            So time passed, and the boy grew up homeless. Getting a little older, a little more self aware. Aware enough to realize his poverty, his situation. So this boy of 6 or 7 lived in the gutter, knowing it to be home. As he lived in this place he saw and felt many terrible things. His mother being raped by sick, sick men. Men and woman who came to be like family to him dying of starvation and cold. His own brother being beaten to an inch of his life. The boy was exposed to a world of pain, and hate.

 

            The boys mother still loved the boy though, and the boy loved his mother. She was an anchor, something he could laways rely on. And rely on her he did. The boy’s mother, who loved her son very much, worked and strived to get our of the gutter. So she found a man, a man who could protect her and her two children. Give them food and shelter. But the boy’s mother did not know just how sick this man was.

 

            They lived there, with this man for a while, and all seemed well. The mother was happy, and maybe even his brother. But the boy was not, for the boy has a dirty secret. The man, who had seemingly made everyone so happy, would come into the boys room at night. Slowly close the door behind him, and he would walk over to the boy where he slept. He would slide the covers off of the sleeping boy. Undress the boy, and slide his cock into the boy. Of course this poor child was not sleeping, for the boy had not slept since the man started coming to him at nights. No, the boy could not sleep, for the nightmares kept him awake. So everynight, the man would come into the boys room and rape him. It hurt the boy, more than I can explain in words. But the boy knew better than to scream, or even whimper. For if he did, the man would hit the boy, and that hurt even more.

 

            The boy often thought of calling the police, or 911. Or maybe even telling his mother. But the boy was smart, and he knew if he did that, he would live on the street again. He remembered the streets, that he did. He could never forget the horrible cold of that dark alleyway. And so he said nothing, for months that seemed like decades. Years that seemed like a millenia, the boy kept his secret to himself.

 

            And one day his mother found out, so they moved. His mother had found a job, and could just support her two children. The boy loved his mother so. She has saved him from that evil man, she had saved him from the gutter, and from his father. This woman was the boys savior, an angel in disguise.

            So the boy had a home now and a school to go to. Though, the people in this school did not except the boy. For you see, the boy had dark skin, and the children of the school did not. So they laughed and teased the boy, hit him and ignored him. The boy knew he did not fit in. So he went everyday, and sat in the corner alone. With no friends. And he would come home everyday, saddened and depressed.

 

           One day, as the boy lay down for bed, a man came to his bed. He uncovered the boy and started to fondle him. Then he slowly unzipped his pants and forced the boy to suck on his penis. The boy was mortified, horrified, petrified. His mother had saved him from the man, so how did he get back. The boy soon realized that this was not the same man, but a different one. Who could this man be, where had he come from. Then light hit the mans face, and the boy was horrified for what he saw. Above him, pants at his ankles, stood his own brother. Everynight after that, the boys brother would come into the boys room, and repeat what he had that fateful night. Soon the boy grew used to it, and at least it didn’t hurt. Not like the man did.

 

            Soon the boys uncle came to live with them. The boy was happy, he had always liked his uncle. He was a good man, and fun too. Though the boy soon learned that his uncle was not as nice as he had thought. As his uncle also did was his brother did. Sometimes they even did it together. The boy was so confused, as to how the people who he loved and cheerished could continue to bring the boy such pain.

 

            Years past, and somewhere along the way, the molestation stopped. But the memories would never fade. Now that the abuse and molestation, rape and betrayal had ended, the boy thought for sure life would get better. But what came next, the boy did not expect.

 

            No longer a boy, but a young man of 12 or 13, the boy entered adolesnce. Middle school and high school. The boy was not at all surprised as he went to school, that no one liked him. No one had ever liked him, he had not expected them to. But it was ok, because the boy had his own friends. Books, and videogames. A computer and television. The boy was no longer poor, and he has his own way to have fun. Even if no one liked him. So the boy lived in isolation. No longer poor, no more rape, no more abuse. The boy thought all was well.

 

            But soon, the boy felt no need to got o school. If no one liked him, and he learned nothing, why would he want to be there? So the boy stopped going, so he would have more time with his artificial friends. But soon his mother found out… she was so dissapointed. But she loved him, and he loved her. He thought she had forgiven him, but slowly she stopped appriciating him. She started to call him useless, a waste. Pathetic. Stupid. To the boy, these words hurt more than any other pain ever had. His mothers words hurt more than all the rape and abuse he had ever felt. This woman was his God. His savior, his life. But she had turned on him. She no longer loved him, but hated him. The boy was broken.

 

            For the first time in his life, he was completely and utterly alone. He had no one, not even his guiding light. The boy felt so empty, so alone. He lived his life, day to day, in agony. But then, yes, then! The boy discovered something so great, so wonderful! Something that made him feel like he had never felt before. The bliss, it was so clear. The absolute bliss ran through his body like nothing else. Better than any drug, and gift. The boy had discovered love, in a young lady of 15, he had fallen in love.

 

            Ahh yes, the happiness. But the boy… the boy was not normal. He soon discovered that… love was hard. Especially for him. For his whole life, he had found ways to escape the pain, to not let those who hurt him, hurt him anylonger. But he soon discovered, that while he loved this person, he had a hard time trusting her. A hard time letting her close. He loved her, but he could not show it. For he knew showing such emotion left him vulnerable to pain he did not wish to feel. So she eventually left him. The boy stood, uncapable to stop her and she walked away. Heart broken, a pain much like that he felt when his mother bretrayed him. A horrible gut wrenching pain that he could not understand. Helpless. Unable to explain to the woman he loved so dearly just how much he truly cared.

 

            So she left. The boy now just a shell, a broken man uncapable of feeling. But the boy.. he had tasted love once. He needed it again. so he set out for it. Time and time again he thought he had found it, but then it slipped through his fingers. One horrible thing after another. Betrayal after betryal, broken heart after another. And each time the pain was the same as the first. The boy did not understand. Unlike pain he had felt before, it did not fade with time. Every time he felt it, it was as vivid as the first. So he set to find a way to dull this pain. He built emotion walls, let his heart grow cold. His emotion die. Now nothing could ever hurt him again. He was isolated from the world, truly isolated, like no other.

Time went on and the boy continued to live his sad excuse of a life. Doing nothing, loving no one. He had never had any friends. The 2 he had attempted to have, betrayed him like all other people had. So he gave up.

            Then this boy found a game, the game of Ragnarok. He had played games like this before. Often in his search for love. He knew he was too ugly to find love in person, but hidden behind a game that could nto show his physical appearance, surely he could find love. So he started to play this game, and he met a woman. A woman who, despite all his efforts, all his barriers and walls, struck an arrow right to his heart. Made him feel emtions he has banished from his soul long ago. He fell in love again. And as time went on, he met more people. People who knew this woman, and like her, touched him in a way he had never fel tbefore. He came to understand friendship, but it was hard. Hard to trust these people, and this woman. All his life had wanted this, and yet, when the time came his pain and paranoia kept him from giving his all to these people. And so these people, like all others, slowly grew away from him. He watched as it happened, unable to show or explain just how much he cared. So he sat quietly, pushing them away. Dying inside, hurting just as he had before.


            This boy was me. Jarrett Cornelius “Kain” Ettison. Essenity. Enfinityy. Nothing more than a whimpering little boy, too afraid to show his feelings, constantly pushing people away.

 

*shakes his head* Ive lived like this my whole life. Unable to show my emotion. Hiding from a world that had forsaken me. But… for once… I cant… I wont… sit idly by and watch the people I love walk away from me. Not this time, not like this. If you choose to leave me, you will do so knowing the real me. Why I am like I am. Knowing my pain, my agony, and my love for you all.

 

You people, each and everyone of you, you are the family I never had. You are the life I wish I could have always lived.

 

I know sometimes I do or say rash things that hurt you, and understand me that im sorry. I never meant to hurt any of you. Realize that, in my isolation, I never learned how to deal with people. I never learned how to socialize. But Im trying, Im trying my hardest. Im giving my heart and my soul into becoming a better person. Into knockign down my walls, escaping my past and building a future.

 

But you must all understand that, all my effort, all my torture, all my pain, all my love will mean nothing, if you all leave me. If you turn your back on me now, I will never be able to make things right. Never be able to truly show you my love for you all.

            I ask you all, from the bottom of my heart. Not as that tortured boy, but as a grown man looking to start a new life without pain, to please give me a second chance. As your guild leader, and as your friend. As a member of your family. I plead with you, to give the chance to show you that I do love all of you. The chance to show you just how much.

            *shakes his head* I wanted to disban the guild. After today, I wanted to push you all away and run from my problems. But I wont. If you choose to leave, it will not be because I was too scared to come forward and open myself to you all.

I want everyone to know, I love you. You are my world, without you… I am just a empty shell of the past. In the end, Im asking for your forgiveness.

 

 

 

~Essenity (Kain)