Hey, Thanks for coming to my site! Please take some time to fill out the guestbook, send me some feedback, maybe even tell a friend of this website! I have some funny stuff here, such as the stupid quotes, the jokes, ''Deep Thoughts'' (from Saturday Night Live), and I'm going to try to get more pictures here soon. I hope you enjoy visiting my website, and come back soon! =) View My Guestbook Sign My Guestbook
Hey, if you like this page, email me and let me know! Even leave your email address if you actually give a crap. I have nothing to write about right now, so, when I do, I'll write it down. In fact...I think I will make weekly-announcements. Okay, I like that idea. From now on, I will have something different written here each week. Something funny, a quote, or just an interesting fact of some sort. Put this webpage in your "favorites" catagory, and come back each week! [P.S. If you want to recommend a link for me to post, go ahead and email me one. Thanks.]
''Deep Thoughts'' by Jack Handey. Some of these seem dumb, and may make no sense at first. But if you stop and think about them, they're really funny.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, ''What was THAT?!''
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ''Hey, can you give me a hand?'' you can say, ''Sorry, got these sacks.''
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, ''I like mayonnaise.'' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says ''You.'' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. He cried and cried, but deep down, I knew he thought it was pretty funny...
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say ''How do you figger that!'' real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like ''Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!'' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, ''That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.'' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice.
