The Last
hey people! guesy wut! I got a deadjournal! YAY! I know im so stoked. So everyone who doesnt read this...its www.deadjournal.com/~fiendishribbon im not sure if this will show up as a link so just cut and paste if it doesnt. so for the last time I wont write l8er. and

~Luv Ya~

The Thirtythird
Hello everyone. Wow have u missed out. U will now have to listen to the illegal wanderings of my physical and mental self. Ill just give u a day-by-day of the past week.
Monday: Was high from 3rd period on.Took 9 Vicodin by lunch and didnt go to 5th period. Loyola talked me into going to Montclare even though I knew I was sposed to go home. Got to Montclare and met Greg sum 18 year old drug dealer nice guy. Gave me some free alcohol and either him or Christine gave us some weed. Made out with Loyola on the bus ride home. And got a lecture from my dad when i got home. Thank god he didnt notice that i was outa it.
Tuesday: Stayed sober. But managed to not go to 3rd period or 5th.
Wednesday:Cut out of school with Steph and Loyola to go c LOTR and Grand Lake. Had sum Kahlua afterwards made out with Steph and ran into the twins at the bus stop. YAY!
Thursday:Went to all my classes amd stayed sober. Arent u proud?
Friday:Went to Montclare after school to "pick up some stuff" since steph was spending the night. Ya well we got some Bourbon and sum more weed. But didnt have anything to roll it in so we ended up going ghetto style and smoking it from a can. Nice huh? Ended up bringing Greg and Loyola home with me and Steph was already sleeping over. Somehow i ended up messing round with Greg in my bed while Stephanie and Loyola were ahem ya. So we were all fine and dandy till the next morning when I ALMOST screwed Greg. Seriously sumthin probly woulda happened if everyone else had gone back into the SSC. But it didnt. And then my dad heard guys voices and threw Loyola and Steph out. Luckily he didnt find out bout Greg which is good cause he stuck his head in the SSC and Greg was still in there and ya. VERY close call. I got Greg out thank god and all calmed down.

Anyway I got grounded and I cant go anywhere until the 2nd cept when I go c my sister for a few days. Write l8er.

~Luv Ya~

The Thirtysecond
music: The Used (still goin)

O god...my life is finally over. I need to talk to sumone but theyre all were they should be...at NSSN. So Ill write. Well to go to NSSN i had to blow off a chorus concert and i forgot to call and tell them i was to "sick" to sing. So they called home wondering where I was. And well my Dad picked up and decided to tell them the truth. He was so pissed at me for lying to him. And wouldnt let me go to the concert. I mean I coulda delt with that eventually. I woulda just been hella pissed. But then the chorus calls back. and they um. They kicked me out. I never get to go back. ever ever ever. And Ive been doing this since I was 7. Its the only thing that evr stayed the same. And I love it. I LIVE for it. Its what keeps me going. I just wanted one night off. Just ONE. and my moment of indecicion has ruined my life. Thats 8 fucking years of my life down the drain. and barely anyone gets it. I mean I define my self by chorus. well defined myself more like. everything is in past tense. It was the only thing that stayed the same throughout all my moves different houses, schools, friends, parents, states. And now its gone. EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE FUCKING LEAVES. Meanwhile Loyola and Seven were upstairs while all this was going on. And seven cant get her ticket without me there so my dad talks to her. I think shes gonna try buying another one cause my dad payed her back. But GOD. He wouldnt let them stay here with me. They were willing to. theyre two of the best people I know. Ive come to realize we all live for our friends. But even so theyre gonna be thinking bout me at least on time tonight. I gotta go my dad just got home from driving them to NSSN. Write l8er.

~Luv Ya~

The Thirtyfirst
music: The Used (bad sign)

Well i am officially a bad horrible and all around sucky person. Im not gonna go into details cause i wanna get over with this. But i almost screwed Reid. And now he totally thinks im a slut. And I REALLY dont want that happening. Seven is still all sad from Kevin breaking up with her. The bastard. And i totally just dumped everything on Tad and ya...I hate doing that to friends. I just keep thinking how I react when people do that to me which is cutting and I dont want anything to happen to my friends. Anyway now that my vent is done with NSSN is tomorrow. YAY! we actually had some probs with the tix. They sent them on like the 20th and they nevr came so they had to cancel those and we had to change it to willcall. But now i have to go get a photocopy of my dads VISA great...more shit to do. I hate suicidal thoughts they get all the way through my brain and blacken and char everything they come to until I get to the whole "screw this shit im not takin the easy way out" idea. And that always stops me. I HATE doing that. First hand experience: Ms Shurns class. She actually likes me now. Its hella amusant. Anyway so the list of NSSNers: Me, 7, Reid, Emm, Loyola, Steph, Jimmy and thats all i know so far but i bet were gonna run into sum people we know. MMMMMMMM I sooooo cant wait to mosh. Ive been so deprived. I need the energy 2. I go wild around crowds. Its when Im most alive. its the only time im alive other then when im with alot of friends. oh ya. Well when I was dumping on Tad i mentioned that i dont even fully trust myself. and hes all like really? me 2. and hes all like ya. Im actually an abusive person i just hide it. And this is coming from the most huggable person I know. And ya.... It just goes to show that repression is an art. And people with bad pasts and bad lives like me and Tad have learned how to master it. Darkness is the only way to live. If u cant c it its not there. Write L8er.
~Luv Ya~

The Thirtieth
Music: The Matches *mmmmm local bands*

Oh god I cant believe Ive gotten to 30 entries. And this one should be an entry to remember. Oh god Im such a horrible person. Sumhow at Emm's party Reid and I uuuuuuh had some finger bangage goin on and that is so very very very VERY wrong in so many ways. For one Emm is my friend two Reid is my friend three im such a slut and I KNOW im gonna end up doin stuff with him. And I mean Im just using him cause being a virgin is a burden and I dont wanna deal with it so I figure "hey Id rather screw a friend then sum guy I dont really like". Anyway I feel bad bout me... its like this is a step backwards. I mean Id feel like this even if he didnt have a girlfriend. I HATE feeling like Ive done sumthin wrong when I havent. I dont know wut Id do if Emm ever found out. My life would be over. I mean Id lose a friend and id get a hella bad rep. And ya. And I mean I like my new confidence its SOOOOO great to be able to joke with people bout stuff thats normally frowned upon. I just hate that I cant control myself. Its like I dont wanna do that to sumone who I really like but I cant stop myself without losing another friend. And I mean thank god its not weird with Reid. Cause I mean I dont make a big deal outa sex and stuff its REALLY not that big of a deal. Bu when a friend is jeopardy would u risk it? Write Later.

~Luv Ya~

The TwentyNinth
music:Switchfoot *drool*

Well turns out I bring destruction wherever I go. Sevens telling us whats up with her life and Im like oh shit I know this monologue. Its exactly what went through my head when I got back from Florida. That everythings going down the drain and we cant do shit bout it. Oh god. Now Seven and Reid r pissed at eachother. God so wut! She doesnt know that he luvs her. Does he ever tell her? NNNNOOOOO. and he wonders y. She doesnt believe that people luv her. I only feel loved when people tell me or invite me places. People like us dont believe stuff till its out in the open. Its a curse. Ooooh my morning show dj has a spot on at 11 pm on live105 awesome! Go noname go! Write l8er.

~Luv Ya~

The TwentyEighth
Music: "Hey Ya" Outkast

Well my french teacher called home bout me being absent so much. Apparently she checked it out and figured out that I was at all my other classes cept hers soooo ya. My Dad was soooo pissed. Amazingly I got through the lecture. Maybe its cause for once I finally got what he meant. He says Im a compulsive person, which I am, and that he doesnt know if he should trust me, which I want him to but he probly shouldnt. Im just so happy that I stayed at Tad's and wasnt at home. I woulda been drunk as hell if I had been. Anyway...No permit till im 16, tv rules harsher, cant go anywhere during the week, and hes making me go to a shrink. DAMN I thought wed already been through this. I still got my comp, my music, and my friends and thats all that matters so im not complaining to badly. Thats really it and im not depressed bout it so Ill write l8er.

~Luv Ya~

The TwentySeventh
music: The Used

I know ive been kinda vague lately, im sorry, but ive been worried sumone i was talking about would get hold of this and hate me for life. Anyway so the entry bout someone getting a bf? That ones bout Seven and Kevin. And I havent been totally honest with my journal. I started cutting right after I got back from Florida. Me and Rudi kinda sorta molested Kevin on Halloween. Before him and Seven were going out. God Ide never do that with my friends boyfriend! And other than that Im a lonely soul who has noone who loves her the way she needs. I have a crush on one of my best friends who 1. has a gf 2. would never date me in a thousand years and 3. is a friend! y does my brain want to screw with that?! NO im not ready to say who it is cause I dont even want to admit it to myself yet. And then theres the whole my life is a soap opera deal. And when anything bad happens to anyone I get freaked out and cut AGAIN. At least my wrist is numb now. Just felt like getting the truth out there. Write L8er.

~Luv Ya~

The TwentySixth
Heres a few freehands I did at school:

I need to journal now. How come I cant figure these things out sooner? Im doodling again...That cant be a good thing Ive come to take it as a bad sign. Damn. At least now I know how to do good art, just get depressed.mmmmmmm. I hate how I only get bad at school. I was fine and dandy all weekend but GOD! this place is not a very healthy environment to be in. I hate how its my friends fault. Why cant it be mine and y cant I deal with change. Its like I just lost another person. I hate this. Every time I get near. BAM! Its like Im not meant to have anyone to trust. Not that I fully trust anyone but like knowing that its possible, but i dont. and I cant say anything though their so happy. and they both deserve it. Im not important anyway. So Ill just let it go.

An excuse to do whatever I want? Y didnt i ever c it before? I realize that they dont want me to but GOD! I can say wat I mean and they probly wont blame me. But who with? No one will anymore maybe their worried but who the hell would be? Its just me. I always fall into the same patterns its horrible. Think im in trouble...ya...they have no fucking idea. It was great not thinking for ONCE not having anyone in my head except for me. Just one and no horrible voices trying to ruin my life.

Damn it! Damn It! Damn It! he knows! y the hell would I make it so clear. Fuck! I know I never listen 2 my Dad but theres still that thought. What if I CANT trust him. What if he uses it against me? 7 I know I can trust but what bout Reid? Damn it. Now Im always gonna be worried hes gonna say something to someone. I mean were friends but were not THAT close. FUCKFUCKFUCK. He knows! Just the terror I felt when he tried to take off my cuff. Its enough to freak me out for life. That shudder wouldnt go away for at least 2 minutes. I was so stupid. I realize I was drunk but thats NOT the point. I was still lucid.I lied. I DO remember what I said. I just dont remember thinking bout it. Now their gonna always have this nagging thought in the back of their heads. Y? did I put this on them? y????? Its not like they can do anything bout it. GOD 7 y r u saying no more drinking? Both u and Reid! U think THATS y I cut? HAH! u guys have NO fucking idea. I dont even know y. Its just easier. I dont need 2 cry if i cut. Its simple. I like having my depressing secrets. They make life interesting. They all forwn upon it but at least Im not trying to kill myself. Yes I like drinking yes I like pot yes I do cut but theyre just ways of working through shit. Now Im worried if I get drunk agin if sumthin will go wrong and Ill start blabbing and all my secrets to anybody. Well I suppose only to the people I care about but SHIT! what if Im at my sisters and I say sumthin? What would she say? What if she tells someone else and they tell my dad and I end up in some phsyco house.lol. I swear to god if that ever happened I really would kill myself. Just so I could start over. God I hate having so much time left in life. Its like the most boring thing in the world. Life IS to long but only because Ive got nuthin to live for. I have to find sumthing soon before I do sumthin stupid.

Damn u 7 youd better give back my scissors and my razor tomorrow!
Write L8er

~Luv Ya~

The Twentyfifth
Music:none

My excuse was that if I got a bf before her shed get depressed and do sumthin stupid. I never thought it would be the other way round. Omg the pain its as bad as before and theres nuthin i can do this time. Nothing at all. I never knew it could get this bad. Im cutting agin. Its so much worse now. I used to very rarely ever draw blood 3 times. omgomgomg. Im scaring myself and I cant do shit about it. I thought I was fine I hadnt needed to write hadnt...hadnt...I know Ive got seperation anxiety but this is going to far. I cant lose another person. If I do I might snap and do sumthing Ill regret. It started out so fun but... GOD I cant even write down wtf Im tryin to say. Im noone. And noone will ever notice me. Ill just end up being the unenthusiastic sidekick for the rest of eternity. Doomed to end up alone with my technology. Im not a nice person and Im not pretty. WTF else is there? Am I just missing some crucial tidbit of information? Is there sumthin everyone else has except for me and the rest of the unloved? Well Ill never know because noone will ever want to get close enough to me to even WANT to explain. Its like everyday one more person leaves. I cant even count them all. Im like that girl in the Numb video except she has something to define herself by. Me? Im just noone important.Nothing special. Im just gonna go hole myself up and wait out the year in my depression. Maybe Ill come back when everyone else does. Ya right. When everyone else does. Write l8er.

~Screw this Shit~