THE VISIT
Last summer was the best summer of my life.
For the first summer ever I had a boyfriend. Together we dined out together, went to movies, had ual fun, and lived together. And while it was not easy to be part of a couple, I still look at last summer fondly.
I sat on my bed in my room. Kos was on his way from the airport. My thoughts (as well as my body language) were all aflutter.
Would he like this place? Would I break down as soon as he was in my sight and cry? Would we be able to reconnect as good as last summer?
Flash-forward couple of hours...
"What are you thinking?" Kos asked as we laid post-makeout session.
"Nothing," I say, my brown eyes taking him in. "Just...taking you in. Focusing on you."
One of my flaws last summer was that I always was multi-tasking. Kos felt unimportant due to me doing several things at once. My mind was always on work or a story, never focused on him.
Now...it was completely focused on him.
What a difference a year made.
Little did I realize how much of a difference.
THE FIRST WEEK
My eyes opened. Sometimes they opened to find either my arms around Kos. Sometimes Kos's arms were around me.
In any case, I woke up next to someone. Usually my eyes opening were followed by Kos's eyes opening. Then before you knew it, we were at it. . Nice healthy . It felt like any other couple.
Over the next few days we were so like a couple. We dined out at fancy restaurants, like Ostera, this fish house with the best shrimp I've ever had. We went to the movies and sat together, grinning at "The Devil Wears Prada." I smile as Kos went crazy and jumped in the water at Pacific Beach.
Moments. Images.
It was a great wonderful week. When Kos came and stayed with me last summer I got to see what it would be like to be in a serious exclusive relationship. I also got to experience the ups and downs of having your boyfriend living with you.
After years of crazy misadventures and hookups, I felt like I was home.
And he could not stay.
I knew that when he first got to San Diego. The feeling of dread was there. It worried me those mornings when I stroked his hair. Those moments I would be on the bus heading back to his hotel. It worried me that when the day came he had to leave that I would be upset.
It was as I was listening to Scissor Sister's "It Can't Come Quickly Enough." I had left Kos at the hotel to get ready for his flight to Nashville so he could see his friend there. I was on my way to Retailo Techo. I didn't make it a block...before I started to cry.
People milled about me, heading to their jobs. A few gave me a glance. I'm sure I looked like someone had died.
"Is everything okay?" Mo, one of my co-workers, asked when she saw me.
Then I just balled. I fell apart.
She let me not work that day. I took the care to stay with Kos for a few more precious hours. Finally, he had to go.
I headed to my apartment. My thoughts were thinking of my week with Kos. When I got there, I saw it. It was the Noah Arc's Season 1 box set. Kos had expressed mailed it, hoping we would get to see it together.
My lip started to tremble again.
THEN...DARKNESS
I got ready. A few days had passed. Kos had made it to Nashville okay and was hanging with his friend. Meanwhile, I looked at my four walls, thinking about him. It was time to get out and clear my head. So I drank and got ready for Bacchus House's $1 Well Drink Thursday.
And I called Kos. He seem taken aback I called with my plans. Well, he's my honey. I wanted him to know where I was. It was not a case of getting a rise out of someone. He seem bugged anyway.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"Yes," he replies.
"You sound angry. Is it me?"
"No. Just tired."
"Are you sure? I'll stay in if you want me to? Do you want me to? I will...no question asked."
He said no. Don't worry.
Later on, I will wish he had.
Bacchus House was tight. It had been a month since I had been there. Weirdly people actually noticed and mentioned it. I was shocked that anyone noticed. There was a star there, showing off his body. There were guys getting down to their undines and getting wet for the audience's pleasure. Except for this incident with some bitter queen, I felt great and drunk.
I headed to my sister's house. I had a bag of incenses in my hands to replace a bag I lost. My mind was on the 24 hour Mexican shop where I would order a quesadilla.
He came out of nowhere. To this day I still only remember this part in a joggle of images and words because I was that drunk. He had a fight with his friend. I...think I wished him luck on that. For some reason he gave me his name and number. He convinced me to walk him home...which wasn't far.
I didn't think anything about it. There had been so many times in Arkansas where I've come across someone drunk or vice versa. I help out or vice versa. We wind up becoming friends. No big deal.
I wasn't in Arkansas anymore. Sadly...I had to learn that the hard way.
That night...the stranger attempted to me. Meanwhile, Kos was on the other side of the country...meeting a .
And nothing was ever the same.
POST-TRAUMA
The first thing I noticed...besides the 24 hour shock of it all...was that I did not want to be touched. Not by strangers on the street. Not by co-workers who are always touchy-feely. No one. I actually flinched.
I put on more clothes. And stayed in my room...a lot.
I did not know how to feel. Was it the muscle shirt Kos gave me? I said no, so did the guy think I meant yes? He said he was straight so how could he do that to me, and what does that say about guys who say they're straight? Did I deserve it? Other questions I can't print also came to mind.
I debated telling Kos. I thought he would be concerned. I also thought that he would think I deserved it or I had it coming. I don't know why...my mind was not a rational place.
As I debated this, Kos texted me. He was on his way back to Nashville. I didn't know he had left. It turned out he had gone with is friend to Atlanta, GA. I was under the impression that trip had been cancelled, but I was wrong. Then he texted he had been with a .
Even if my mind had been in a rational place, I would have been upset. We had already had issues involving s in Nashville. I already felt like crap and unloved...and that news...did not make me feel better. I...overreacted. When I explained why...he kind of got it.
Kos tried to be there for me as best he could. I wish I could say I let him. I didn't. I felt so unloved and damaged that I kept pushing him away. I didn't want to spoil his vacation with little pathetic me.
The days continued to wind down to his return to Russia. It seem like he could not be bothered to talk to me. I found that I was bugged by that.
We argued. Day in and day out, we would get into it. I found him saying things to me that I never thought he would say to me. He saw that I felt he didn't care enough.
It came to a head for me one night when he was in San Francisco. For a change, we were civil. It felt like how we used to be when we were two strangers just chatting online years ago.
I can't even remember how it got there, but he said the following:
"I want to be with someone else."
The last thing I would have expected from his lips. From any gay guy in Arkansas, yes. But not from the guy who had said how much he loved me and wanted to be with only me. The guy who said he would treat me better than Rob, John, Christian, and the like. The guy...attempted aside...who I loved...wanted to pick now to have with someone else...and wanted my ok?
In that moment, something in me died. In that moment, he became like everyone else.
PRIMAL SCREAM
And that was all I got over the next few days. Why could he do this if my history was full of so many guys? Why was I mothering him? He wasn't my property?
As if I did not have enough with the attempted , he questioned me and acted like he does not care, and kept pushing.
It finally came to a head the night before he was to leave. He asked if I would come up there to see him on his last day. I had no money to do that. Then he said he was going to go out...or figure out a club. All day I've been wanting just to talk to him...to hear his voice. We were in the same time zone and all he wants is to go out...alone in a stranger city after I said I could not come?
We argued. He shut down. I was at my wit's end.
So I broke it off with him. He didn't even seem to care. It was like I was talking to a whole another person.
The next day, I work up at 6:30 in the morning. I had gotten sleep, but I was restless. I guess I thought I would get some reassurance from Kos in the form of a call or text. There had been so many times where we would be at endpasses and he would pull some romantic gesture out of him showing he still cared.
I looked at my cellphone.
There was nothing.
Kos did not care.
It was over.
My friends know that if I am pushed too hard and/or hurt too badly mentally and emotionally that I can shut off my emotions indefinitely. It got me through a lot when I was in Arkansas. I become emotionless and like ice. I become the living embodiment of 'hell hath no fury...' And to have the person I loved more than anything not leave any kind of sign...was too much. Given a few days before he left me a sobbing mess on my apartment floor to the point I could not go on after a series of texts, it was past 'too much.'
I got up, my niece's room feeling too claustrophobic. I used the bathroom and walked to the park. The phone was in my right hands. My eyes stared forward, no emotion in them. My thoughts focused on one thing.
I dialed.
Surprisely, he picked up.
"Hello?" Kos asked.
Then...I let loose. An ear piercing primal scream that cut through the park like Dark Willow in Buffy Season 6. I let out my sadness, my rage, my disappointment, my helplessness, my...all of it over this whole mess.
As I hang up, I went in my head and turned off my emotions.
SO...
He texted. He called. He wanted to know what happened.
I didn't text him back. I didn't call him back. I couldn't believe he didn't remember. In my mind, it was done.
Eventually, it seem like Kos was extremely bewildered so I agreed to talk to him. We connected again and it felt nice.
But nothing was the same.
His voicing his thoughts...which I respect...had made me give pause. It betrayed the possibility that if we were in the same town, he might not be with me. The attempted already made me become distrustful of people. Kos's words made me doubt us...something I didn't before.
Do I want to even wait for someone who might leave me as soon as he gets back? If so, why wait? Will I even want to be with anyone again given what happened?
As usual, these questions have to be put aside. Right now, I have to deal with survival since my job hours are decreasing to the point I can't afford anything...like rent, phones...and therapy for the attempted . And most important...I need to heal. I need to turn back on my button and feel.
So where does that leave Kos and me after his visit?
Answer: A mass of grey.
Do I still love him? Yes.
Where do we go from here?
I honestly don't know right now.
Diego
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