MY THREE MEN

I was scared to get on the big silvery plane. It would take me thousands of miles from what I knew in Arkansas to what I didn't in California. It would be a new life.

That wasn't such a bad thing. It was a chance to reinvent myself. I could become anything I wanted or something I always wanted to be. So I could bridge out and move forward into the future without the chains of my past holding me down.

Little did I know that I would receive a set of phone calls that would change me...perhaps...forever.

DIEGO'S MAN #1: JOHN

SOME THINGS WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN...

It was Black Friday. For Americans, this was one of the busiest sale days of the year. People were out in mass, wanting to be the first to get that expansive laptop or new iPod.

I was on break from my job at Retailo Techo (my nickname for the retail store). My mission was simple...I needed to find a restroom. Twenty minutes (and a lot of misdirection) I was done and headed to Wendy's.

I never got there. A T-Mobile representative stopped me. I tried to ignore him, but his words talking of their Black Friday offer (a phone I didn't have to start payment on until January) got to me. Also, I missed my friends.

The cell phone was in my hand. Who did I call first? Of course, that was M, my best friend whom number was memorized in my head. Then I thought of Glenn, but I didn't remember his number...however, John would know.

I had forgotten his phone number. Part of me was happy as hell. I've wanted that for years. However, I really wanted to get in contact with Glenn so...I had to remember John's number.

Big mistake.

I got ahold of Glenn later on that evening.

"Have you talked to John?" he asked.

"Yea...earlier today," I said. "Why?"

That was when I heard it. John had vanished over the last few days. He did it so well that no one...but me apparently...was able to talk to him. I seem to be the only person he was willing to talk to. In fact, John originated an idea that Glenn and he should come to San Diego to visit me.

Uh...what?

Later, I called John. He had come out of hiding and was at work baking. He told me about being fed up with Arkansas. He was tired of his job. I joked with him, something that usually got him to open up about what really bugged him.

Then out of the blue, I got this question thrown at me.

"Am I your friend?" John demanded.

I don't hook up with my friends so I thought no. However, John and I had reached an overpass, allowing us to be civil.

"I don't know," I replied. "I guess."

I hanged up the phone. However, I felt a tingle in my mind. It throbbed. It wanted to come out.

My thought was why did he keep self-destructing when I wasn't around? It was like John was doing everything to cling to me. Before I left, I thought this was done. To have John, a part of my past, doing this now...brought a feeling out.

Anger.

DIEGO'S MAN #2: ROB

SOME THINGS WON'T BE DENIED...

It has been almost two years since Rob left Arkansas. He was on his way to Florida to finish his medical degree. I knew him well enough that he was running away. Like the light bulb I threw into the wall the night I found out, my heart shattered.

I think that was when the migration began. Rob. David K. Dee. Me. One by one, my raver friends moved. Some of them moved to other towns. Others decided completely different states. The group that was once unbreakable now was separated.

Of most of my friends, David K was the most loyal. Regardless of what dramas the rest of us had with each other, David K was the den mother in a way. He always opened his door to you for anything. He was also a really hard worker so it was rare I got to talk to him when he left for Kansas.

That changed when I announced my move. He tried to get in contact with me. He wished me luck.

Naturally with the new phone, I gave him a call to let him know I made it. We talked for a bit. We reminiscenced about our shared rave past. Then we wondered where everyone was at. So it was with shock that I heard this statement:

"Rob's in New York," David K told me.

"What?" I said in shock. "What? When? Why?"

A few months ago Rob moved out of Florida to a town in New York. He worked construction. And apparently, David K was the only one who seem to know this information.

My stomach fell out. I had wondered if Rob was okay during the hurricanes in Florida. I did not want to know where he was due to our complex history. Knowing would tempt me to reach out to him like I had before. I let him go so he could grow up.

My stomach fell out. It was empty. It was hollow. The feeling could be best described by one word.

Shock.

DIEGO'S MAN #3: KOS

SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE.

I finished the email. A grin was on my face. After much teasing I had written down my number for Kos. Soon I would hear his pretty accent Russian voice on my answering machine.

I looked up from the screen. The location was THE OTHER SIDE, this nice little coffeehouse I was starting to frequent. The cashier danced about the place, doing his little errand. I never really noticed him much, but he was giving off some vibe.

I looked back at the screen. It had been four or five months since Kos left to go back to Russia. We agreed that we were single and could hook up with anyone we wanted. For the time being we couldn't be together so that did not mean we should be alone.

One of the things Kos could not understand about me was why settle for less than a relationship if that was what I wanted. Sometimes a person does not want to be alone. Sometimes a person will settle for what they can get and hope it leads to a relationship. It's a belief that many people...straight and gay...hope for every day.

The next cashier showed up. He's a strapping Hispanic guy around early 20s. He joked around with the first cashier. I looked at their comfortableness and the ual vibe they had with each other. Of course, they kinda noticed me. I believed most of the workers wonder who I am or give me mild interest. It was more like I have different clothes style when I come in to write. So...I'm an enigma.

There are a few attractive guys here in San Diego. I have even been flirted with and even hit on. I usually go red, smile, and say I'm just looking for friends.

Part of me was worried however. I was not going to meet anyone if I don't go out. However, I was scared that someone would like to know me in the Biblical sense. Or worse, they might want to date me. What would happen to me and Kos?

I'm tired of walking off. Even as I left THE OTHER SIDE, I decided that what if one of the cashiers was interested in me? What if I started an interesting conversation with one and that grew into something? I miss out.

Do I feel Kos will be back? Absolutely. I count the minute. The idea of him coming back felt my body with this tingling feeling that wasn't anger. The idea of two people meeting from two different worlds and continents and creating a relationship brought a bittersweet smile to my face. I will probably never find anything else like that...completely real and pure...except with him.

Do I feel Kos will be back? Absolutely. As I stared at the ceiling that night, I counted the minutes. The feeling I held on to with every part of my body.

Hope.

THE PAST IS THE FUTURE IS THE PAST

Anger. Shock. Hope.

It was funny how the activation of a cell phone brought so many shocks into my life again. All the major men of my life now have a way to get to me. What it added up to that day was drama from my past.

When I got on the plane, I thought most of this was done. No more drama for me I thought. Like chains in a Hellraiser movie, my past clinged to me.

I AM SICK OF IT CLINGING!!!

This was a new place for me. Since I've moved here, I've been quiet, reserved, and focused. I've focused on my writing career again, readying a book proposal package. I like this more reserved self...a Diego without emotional baggage.

San Diego was my chance. It was a chance to reinvent myself into a more united side of me. A Diego who was not always conflicted. That was why I could turn my back on John. That was why I could keep myself from calling Rob. That was even why I could have a life here, but hope that there will be a knock on my door with a Russian named Kos behind it.

I won't forget my past.

I will not be denied because of it.

This move...was meant to be.

It was time. It was time to stop looking backward. It was time for me to pick up my pencils and backpack. It was time...for the future. It was time to live.

Diego


 

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