TO STAY HERE

For a while now, Glenn has been wanting to see EAT. PRAY. LOVE.

Glenn was a big fan of people who went on spiritual journey to find enlightenment. There was something very powerful about a lost person finding strength and peace. While I could respect that and wanted to see the movie, part of me felt very skeptic about the whole thing.

I knew I loved the movie when I cried. The scene in question was next near the end. Julia Roberts's character Liz had gone through this whole journey to find herself. now she was Bali with love staring her in the face...and she was rejecting it. She was afraid of losing herself to a man. I got that. However Liz didn't see that, she was strong enough that she wouldn't so it was okay for her to love. All she had to do...was let go. The whole situation struck a nerve, tears running down my face.

Why?

Because that had been me.

That...was always me.

TO WATCH YOUR BACK

It went without saying that my mind wasn't here. My mind had been on my writing career since I got back to Little Rock. However...bills had to be paid.

"You can go."

I frowned. I was still in a case transcribing. My supervisor sat at her desk doing the same. Another co-worker had also been called out. He was also in a case so he told her to let him finish it up. She...was not having that. She sent us on our way.

There was plenty of work that day. We were sent home early. She had warned all of us about that earlier in the week if she felt our transcribing wasn't up to quality.

Still...

There was the shock. I knew that first thirty minutes I was off. Sleep still laid claim to part of my soul, resulting in my eyes continuing to open and shut. Tired as I might I couldn't keep them open. However, as the day continued, I became better. I figured that I was cool.

I was wrong.

Then...anger came. That anger came from anxiety. Like I said, the supervisor had given the team an ultimatum. If we did not get our transcribing quality up, she would ship us out to the Floor, the place where people did telephone interviews. It was not a good place to be nor was that what I was hired for. I had no intention of going there for what I suspected was minor mistakes.

Stress set in. My mind quickly wondered. What was I going to do?

***

"Oh, shit."

Those were the words that James said as he watched down whiskey...straight.

Anyone who knew me already knew the truth. If I drank whiskey or anything with it, watch out! It was going to be a very bumpy night. I was sitting at James's house after my frustrating day, drinking it straight.

Simply put...expect turbulence.

There was a party at the house. One of my roommates's friends was being deported. He decided to let Glenn know this. I...was a second thought. In fact, the whole apparent sneakiness of everything rubbed me the wrong way. If it wasn't for the fact I though people would go through my room, I wouldn't have gone.

My instinct was right. I really shouldn't have gone.

The knock on the door caught my drunken mind. I pondered getting it. I finally decided to. Knowing Glenn he was in the back with the first few guests playing the good host.

I opened the door. Then I tried to focus on his words. I found it hard to do due to the fact he was a hot man with a goatee.

He was one of Roomie's Friend's co-worker. Co-worker Guy was cute and could hold a conversation. My gaydar beeped as he and his friend who was a girl mingled with the other guests.

"He's interested in you," Glenn said.

I looked over at Glenn in surprise. It was a brief moment when he wasn't playing host. We happened to be in the kitchen. I frowned.

"What?" I uttered. "How do you know?"

"He keeps looking at you," Glenn answered.

I looked out on the back patio. I looked...and wondered.

Later on, I was looking for Glenn. The party had gotten busy. My buzz was in full swing. There was something I needed to tell him.

I pushed open his bedroom door. There was Glenn. He was making out with Co-worker Guy.

"Oh," I managed.

I stammered a few more words.then I made it downstairs. Glenn came to find me, explaining he thought I wasn't interested.

How would I know that? I had at been given the chance? Rather than have drama, I tried to let it go, putting on a happy face.

I continued to greet people at the door. There was an artist guy who showed up. Dark, Broody, and Sarcastic. I liked him instantly. And it didn't hurt that we had an instant rapport.

Glenn met Artist Guy. Of course, he had to show him every piece in the house. I kept on drinking, my mind trying to let it go.

Then Artist Guy went missing.

So did Glenn.

I stood outside of Glenn's bedroom door. I steadied myself thinking in my head that I would be cool. I threw open the door.

Artist guy sat it immediately. He beated a hasty exit. Then Glenn looked at me.

What exploded out of me (and took out a few along the way from what I remembered) was a bitchstorm that would do Brenda Welsh and Brooke Davis proud.

Not only had Glenn cockblocked from a guy he himself said was into me. He now cockblocked from another guy. Where I came from you did not do that to a friend. And since I had written at length about friendship (WHAT'S IN A FRIEND?, Early March 2009) as well as how I saw friends, Glenn knew better.

He made excuses. To me, they were just that. Excuses. There had been times guys he was interested in or loved (Mr. Spiritual) tried to get into my pants. And I...told them to back I don't do that to my friends. For Glenn to do that, what the hell was his problem?

That night...Glenn was torn a new asshole.

And if a friend could do that...

TO ONLY TAKE SO MUCH

I made to Rick's fast enough. All the beer I had and walking up the hill. I stood outside the door and managed a smile, thoughts of Glenn being left behind.

Rick had texted me earlier. Almost every Saturday I could expect him to do so. What followed was he got drunk silly. And what followed that was a 'will-we/won't-we' game that started ten years ago at college in Jonesboro.

I had a big crush on him when we were in college due to his looks and his quirky sense of style. Years later around 2004 one of our mutual friends clued him into that...funny since it turned out he and Glenn had had a one night stand in 2003 that he did not realize I knew. Last year...out of the blue, Rick came out and said he had slept with men in college. Add on all the near-misses over the years and there was a lot of sexual tension between Rick and me.

Would this be the night?

***

I looked at the screen. It was more like focused on trying to keep my eyes to the screen. James Franco was on screen, doing a reenactment of Allen Ginsberg's reading of HOWL.

I was buzzed. After last night, I really did not want to think. I wanted to drink. I wanted...to kiss.

I looked over at Rick. He was enjoying his whiskey. He had already seen HOWL. In between slow moments, we talked a little bit about history and trivia.

It was a nice comfortable silence. It was that kind of comfortable that people longed and hoped to find with their lovers. It continued on as we kept drinking. It was still there when we started to watch THE SOCIAL NETWORK.

Then Rick decided he wanted to hit his local bar.

I frowned. It was in the middle of the movie. Facebook Founder's friend had just made out to LA to see what was going on. To spite myself, I had gotten into the movie. Also there was still plenty of liquor to drink. Why the change of scenery.

Of course, I knew. Rick was a Cancer. We all knew me and Cancers. I knew them well. Then again, I knew Rick well by this point.

If he was heading out, Rick was looking for one thing.

A girl.

My chance...had passed me by...again.

***

My eyes widened.

I'm not a fan of karaoke. I never have been. I never will be in my opinion. That said, I thought those three large girls tore up Sir Mix-a-lot's 'Baby Got Back.' The crowd cheered them on. I even gave them a clap.

I had also met an older woman. It turned out that she was Pine Bluff and had gone to Pine Bluff. Even better, she was into English. We had a great talk about books.

Then she asked what the deal was with Rick and me. While Rick was flirting with her, she couldn't help to detect a vibe between us. Were we a couple?

Thus...the widened eyes.

A complete stranger who in five minutes knew what was up and proceeded to not be a cockblock. Meanwhile, I Had known Glenn eight years. Eight years was a long time. Glenn knew me...and had still tried to cockblock me.

I guess life was just funny like that.

I looked at the older woman. "You're good."

The older woman looked between me and Rick. "Are you s--"

I touched her arm, silencing her. I managed a smile. That seem to put her at ease.

"Don't worry about it," I said.

I was cockblocked by a friend. Last night, I wasn't about to do the same to someone else.

By the end of the night, no one was blocked. And as usual...I was alone.

I felt like such a fool for even hoping. After all I knew better. When was enough enough though?

TO BE KICKED YET AGAIN

My cell phone vibrated. I was in the home stretch of getting to the house, my mind dreading seeing Glenn. I was pretty sure who was texting me.

And I was right. It was Rick. When I had woken up on his black leather couch, I realized that he and the older woman were gone. He had mentioned last night he had a first date with a black chick...his first. I mentally rolled my eyes. Then he had even invited me along.

Regard of what people believed, I was not a masochist. At least, not anymore.

So...I had gotten dressed. I stumbled my hangover ass to the nearest bus stop. Now I was almost back at the house. And he texted me.

He wondered why I didn't want to go with him on the date. Why would I? It was a date. The last thing I wanted was to have a couple in my face when I had nobody. Especially if it was someone I wanted.

And that was the last contact I had with Rick.

I made it into the house. I sighed in relief at the silence that greeted me. No one was there.

Good.

I made it to my laptop. It was loaded quickly...which made me happy since it had been acting funny. I made over to one of my lovely social network sites...

...to find someone had tried to contact me.

I frowned. It wasn't anything elaborated. I felt like the name looked familiar, but I couldn't place the name. So I did what any person would do.

I clicked on the profile.

My jaw dropped.

The good news was that I did recognize the name. However, I had not been to the profile in MONTHS...something that shocked me. That of course brought me to the bad news. She (yes, a she) was the girl Frenchman was in an open relationship with.

Frenchman had a girlfriend.

Mr. In-Love-With-One was in an open relationship.

And...he had not even bothered to mentioned it to me. However, here was a stranger marking the territory. And yet..some yet...he could not be a man and tell me.

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Then I was kicked across my face. I was then kicked repeatedly.

How...could...he?

Art once told me that in Mexican society, men identified early in life. Gay. Straight. What they decided was how they would die. Even if they decided later in life they were wrong.

Still...my heart didn't break any less.

TO BE...ALONE?

Another of my favorite parts of EAT. PRAY. LOVE. was when Julia Roberts's character Liz began her journey...in Italy. The longer she was there, the more she became used to how life in Italy was. She also...started to become free.

I looked at the TV. It was the scene again. Julia's Liz had love staring her in the face in Bali. Again, it was her fear of losing herself to a man after having finally found herself.

I didn't shed one tear.

That...was still me.

I felt that was always going to be me.

Had she not lost herself in love? She had the ability to have them both now. She did feel she was strong enough.

I felt the realization this time. Love...had weakened me. Age was not helping.

I used to be strong enough that I felt I could have my own identity and love someone. I didn't feel that anymore. Too much water under the bridge.

I looked past the scene in the movie now. Sure, I was happy Liz got her happy ending. I'm sure I would get the same.

However...it was going to be through my writing.

When I forgot that was when I've been hurt.

And I'm finally tired of being hurt. I was tired of being into men who would let me in completely. I was tired of letting people in who hurt me. I was tired of being here in Arkansas where except for brief moments, I had never been happy.

To stay here.

To be away from here.

To be happy.

Why was none of it easy?

Or was it?

Diego


 

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