SINK OR SWIM

It was like putting the damage on. Kos had gone back to Russia. I stayed here to work. Our relationship was a big question mark.

Kos wanted to experience what it would be like to with another guy. I continued to deal (or not deal) with the attempted that occurred during his visit. Our relationship felt like the closest yet farther thing on our minds.

What were we now?

SINKING

Every day I would find time to get to a computer. My fingers typed away, telling Kos of what was going on in my life. He was a continent away, but he could still be in touch.

He wouldn't email me back.

At first, it did not bug me. Maybe he was busy. His mother was involved with a lawsuit so I thought his focus was on that.

Over the next few days, I continued to send emails. There continued to be no replies. I started to worry.

My thoughts raced. Was Kos mad at me? After everything that happened while he was here in San Diego, maybe Kos was unwilling to deal with me because the attempted made me damaged goods. Maybe it was my fault because I wasn't clear of my thoughts on him. Did I want Kos? Or didn't I? How did I feel about him?

Then Kos emailed. Continents away yet we were on the same wavelength. He wanted to know how I felt, but I could not find the words.

Over the next few days Kos continued his emails. He pushed for an answer. It was an answer that I didn't have at that point. All I had was a sense that if I was pushed, I wouldn't say it right.

One day I found the word. The last part of Kos's trip to the United States made me one thing. I was disillusioned.

If we were to survive, I had to work through my feelings. He had to work through his.

And then coincidence stepped in.

THE BREAK

Kos's job involved negotiating deals between his company and potential clients. A week appeared where he would be swamped with clients. As a result, he would not be able to email me for a week.

I felt two ways about this. Part of me understood that he was busy with work. The other part of me thought that if he loved me...no matter what...he could find the time. What did it say about him if he couldn't?

It was then that I stepped back. Maybe I did think about Kos too much. I didn't care. Still, my mind raced. What would I do for a week?

I frowned. Did I just think that? When did I become a clinger?

So I had to figure out something to do. For the first time, my mind was a blank. It was like I was a pod person without my own thoughts. I wondered what I used to do.

Salvation came in the form of one of my projects: SLIDERS: ALTERNATE SPIN. It was a fan fiction spin-off series I started six years ago. I finished Season 4 months ago. And now months later, the fifth season attempted to brainstorm out of my head.

I let it.

I sat on my bed one night. I plotted the season. I figured out the characters' arcs. I did the loglines. Finally...I left enough room to be creative by not outlining worlds something I normally do.

Then I started to write. The ideas flowed. Characters' voices came to me easily. I felt refreshed. Ideas continued to flow.

By the end of the week, I was on a roll. The first story...NOW THAT WE KNOW...was done. I worked on the second one...a continuation of the first. I decided on doing a trilogy of two-parters this season. I was being ambitious with where I was going.

It was good to have drive.

I dreaded the end of the week. Again, I had to think about Kos and our problems. There were no easy answers to what to do.

All I had was how I felt. No...I also had my memories of last year and having this choice. Then...I was a stupid immature jerk. Now...there was none of the doubts.

I wanted to be with Kos. Only Kos. I was willing to wait. And if it was easier for me to get to him, so be it! I would move to get with him. I loved Kos...completely.

As I typed my feelings out to send to him, I touched my forehead. I got a lot off of my chest. I was sure of my feelings.

The question became then...was he?

THE ANSWER

I think I had trouble sleeping. My body was too wired. My mind raced with questions.

Would Kos choose me? Would he choose to be single? Would he walk away from everything we had? Was I too late? Should I have been so honest? Was I too honest?

I got to the library quickly the next day. My mind raced as I waited for the computer to reboot itself. My hands shook as I typed in my Hotmail information. My eyes widened as I saw Kos had emailed me back.

Hm, my eyes frowned as I read the email.

Kos always warned me to be clear-cut with my answers. I always used to be wishy-washy when it came to answers. Now the roles were reversed.

I knew what I wanted without question. Kos did not.

I did not know what to say. He always said he wanted me to be open. He always said he would not be like those guys in Arkansas. Now he talked just like them, saying he wanted a relationship when he just wanted . He wanted to go down that dark road that all gay men go through, enduring ual encounters that made them bitter, jaded bitches.

My jaw dropped. How could he willingly go there when he had what he wanted?

It all came back to an old worry of mine. I was the one with all of the experience...good or bad...like it or not. Kos never had it. Even though he knew the pitfalls from me, he still wanted that. That was human nature.

Still...how can a person throw himself in the trash when he has something good?

This debate continued for several days. I kept asking him to choose.

He kept bringing up excuses. He would only be with escorts. I've done many men. Where do we go from here?

I kept putting his words down. If he could do escorts (who are just gay men you're paying) what?s to stop him from being with an unpaid gay men. It's because I've done what I've done that I know it's dumb.

As for where we go from here?

Only forward.

With that in mind, he had a choice. He could pick me and I would take the plunge...I would be his boyfriend exclusively (since at least agreed we couldn't handle an open relationship). Or he could go off and explore other people...and never heard from me again. I would not wait for him.

Later on, I called Ken on his phone. He was a good friend. He even gave me some hope in the form of a couple he knew...a gay interracial couple.

The couple had not in high school. Now at 22 (after five years), they had never been with anyone else. They still go out to the club where people try to break them up. They laugh it off.

I frowned. These were guys in their early 20s. It was like an urban shoe myth. My eyes watered.

Would Kos and I end up that way?

EVER AFTER OR THE END?

That whole day I kept busy. It was still in the back of my mind. I was scared.

A year ago, the decision was asked of me. I was a fool and ran off when I should have been pledging complete devotion to Kos. Now I wanted him to do for me what I stupidly could not do then.

I had complete belief as I walked in line at the computers that Kos would say he wanted to go off and explore other men. As I sat in line waiting, I was so sure I would have to go back out into that abyss of soulless demons that were apparently most gay men these days. My hands typed in my Hotmail password, tense all over.

My jaw dropped. Kos's email made his thoughts clear. I was totally surprised.

Kos chose me. While he had his reservations, life was too short and all he wanted was his cute black boyfriend. I felt like someone had just proposed to me. I wanted to yell in triumph in the library.

I've never been happier.

So that day...Kos and I became an exclusive couple.

HOW LONG?

I headed to the library. As usual I had to get online and continue my never-ending job search. Since my phone was not on, my sister allowed me to use my niece's. And I chatted with Ken on the latest goings-on in Arkansas.

Some guy headed down the street. He reached into his sagging gym shorts to adjust himself. He noticed I noticed. At this point, most people would be embarrassed. He instead liked an audience and made sure I noticed his bulge.

I rolled my eyes. If he was interested, he could just say so. In any case, I was off the market so...not interested.

I went about my business, happy to know there was someone out there that wanted me.

Diego (whom fave Kos song: Taxi Doll's 'Waiting')



 

Back to 2006