RISKS
What would life be like if we ran every time we saw or
feel something that frightened us? For one, it would
be safe. For another...it would be boring.
Recently, I have been going through new situations
that have brought new feelings. The feelings were so
strong and intense to me that I'm just confused.
RISK OF FRIENDS
I was watching 'Human Traffic' some time ago. It's
just a nice quirky movie that reminded me of my own
friends when I was a freshman at college. I missed
those friendships. They had that one thing that most
of my friendships now don't: trust.
It's been almost a year since my ex-best friend Carl
hurt me by helping my ex-roommate do something that
directly hurt me. Carl had been a trusted friend for
three years. It has always been hard for me to trust
people anyway after my relationship with MG. To watch
Carl flush our friendship down the toilet for someone
who turned out to be using him was a blow to my trust
in him. When I lost that trust, I lost my trust in
most people.
'Human Traffic' brought back in me something that I
was missing: a sense of belonging. It's getting to a
point in my relationship with my friends where I'm
feeling that. The stumbling block in that: my
ability to really trust my friends in general and my
ability to trust them with my sexuality in particular.
Do I even want to tell them? Do I want to keep the
status quo as is?
RISK OF LOVE
Around the same time, I have been getting to know
Christian. On the surface, he seems like a nice guy.
He's an artist. I'm a writer so I know we can think
of a lot to talk about. While our zodiac signs are
opposite each other on that wheel, (I'm a Gemini), I
decided to throw horoscope nonsense to the wind. I
wanted to ask Christian out on a date.
There was the time we were both at the coffeehouse.
There was the time I ran into him on my way somewhere.
God, I ran into him at work. I have had every
opportunity to ask him out.
What happened? I take one look at him. My mouth
opens to ask him out. Nothing comes out. My mind
goes blank.
At first, I thought it was just a fear of rejection.
If he said no, no big deal right? I can move on.
Then, I thought maybe I saw Christian as a block on my
independence as a single man. I thought 'duh!' to
that and moved on.
Finally it occurred to me that I saw in Christian a
person who I could...maybe...fall in love with. There
are many guys who I've lusted after that I wanted who
don't leave me speechless and/or tongue-tied. The
only guys who have are the ones who I've been in love
with. MG did. A few nameless frat guys have. The
last guy I was in love with did. Christian does.
My track record with love has never been great. My
chance of winning the lottery are better than my
chances with having and keeping a guy who I love.
So now Christian is a friend. Do I trust him enough
to let him get closer than that? Do I want to alter
what we got going at all?
RISK OF LIFE
Life really is short. People go through it like
little robots sometimes to the point that they go
through the motions and forget what is important to
them. They are just trying to survive from day
to day. Somehow, I became like that.
I didn't like it.
I want to live life the way that I want to live it.
Lately, I felt like I'm hiding behind a mask.
I was in a car accident on my way back from clubbing
one night. In the moment before my friend and I ran
into the ditch, I saw my life flash before my eyes. I
wasn't hurt or anything in the end. Still, it stuck
in my head. For days, my friend Lee kept asking me
if I was okay.
No.
Life is short. It can be cut off at any time. If I
learned anything else besides to wear a seat belt,
it's that I don't want to die thinking that I have had
too many regrets.
Like a good little robot though, I'm still going
through the motions. The fire for my dreams is there,
but the drive is just...gone. How serious am I about
my dreams? Do I desire to change my lot in life?
THE COMMON THREAD
Friends. Love. Life. What I see as the common
thread to my situations is that they all scare me.
They will all involve some change within myself. The
change could be good or bad and I have no idea which
it will be or whether I'll be safe after it happens.
They're all risks...and I don't know if I can take
them. They scare me too much because they feel so
uncertain. They are not safe.
That is also why I love risks. They are not safe.
Risks also are never boring. Risks allow you to truly
move forward and not run away.
Will I take the risks and trust my friends with my
sexuality? Will I take the risk and let Christian get
close to me or even ask him out? Will I pursue my
dreams?
I don't know.
Diego (who dedicates this column to his grandmother
who recently passed away)
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