RETROSPECTIVE
I took the step. It was followed by another. That was followed by the next step.
I could see James in the massive crowd. He smiled with pride. So did I. I had my suit. I had my cape and gown. A moment later, I heard the thing I waited seven years to hear: my full name as I walked across the brown stage to get my Bachelor of Arts degree in English.
I made it back to my seat. My whole body felt aglow. My mind was in shock.
I graduated college.
And that was two months ago. Little did I know what was coming.
GRADUATED TO WHAT EXACTLY?
I loved Kevin Williamson. I admit to it. I watched "Dawson's Creek," have his biography, own all three Scream movies...with all his other movies.
Know what I love even more?
His cancelled TV series WASTELAND.
Yes, I said it.
For those people who don't know, WASTELAND was Kevin Williamson's series about the life and tribes of twentysomethings in New York. They were post-college and trying to find themselves. It was cancelled after three episodes on ABC. It was resurrected on one of the Showtime channels.
The main character was at work on a thesis for her professor. Her idea? That people went through a "second coming of age" as they hit their late twenties. At this time, the armor people put up in their early twenties to get through life/college would be stripped away. The people would have to face their insecurities (mental, emotional, physcial, etc.) without the armor and by finally facing it they would enter adulthood.
Yes, it seem like crap.
I believe Kevin was on to something. I am not the same person at 26 that I was at 22. I focused in a way now that I could not do at 22 because I was looking for the next party or next lay. My priorities changed dramatically, as have my friends (this is the first year I can say I have black friends). I focused on DARKENED SOUL, my first novel. If you had told me a year ago, I would be in a serious relationship for four months with a guy who actually loves me and says so, I would have laughed.
I wanted more out of life. I could not have done what I have the way that I was. I had to change. I had to confront my own issues and priorities. At 26, I am ready to go after what I always wanted: a writing career.
And like other 26-year-olds, I have no idea how to do it.
A TASTE
It was Vanderbilt University. Time was early evening. I sat on a bench with Kos. No reason at all. We just sat on the bench and watched the environment.
Kos was the one who pointed it out to me. I was actually leaning back on the bench. My head was tilted back slightly. My muscles...my whole body...was relaxed.
I was relaxed. A rarity.
"I don't want to leave tomorrow," I said.
That was true. I had been in Nashville, Tennessee for the weekend. In that span of time, I have found that it had everything I wanted. Movies I wanted to see that weren't in Little Rock. CDs already on stock so no importing for money I didn't have. Restaurants I liked. Clubs full of fun gay people unlike the messed-up ones here. The guy I loved. It was all there. Now I had to go back to being in a place where restaurants suck, imported cds were expansive , and there was no one to love.
It was in that moment that I felt it. It would really be the first time I've felt it in months. The loneliness associated with being alone. Not singleness, but an acute aloneness.
For four months, I had been in this relationship. It started from a simple friendship. It continued into casual dating with its ups and downs. It became a relationship...warts and all. It grew to a point where we were expressing personality traits attached to the other person. We blended. Now it would never get to 'finishing each other's sentence' status. Kos treated me like no one had before...like I was a person who actually mattered and he did not care what the gay community thought. He loved me.
Were we without problems? No. Our Gemini/Cancer pairing was full of 'opposites attracts' tension. However, he gave me a taste of what a real serious relationship would be like...something no one (Rob and John included) has given me.
Now I have had a taste of it. And like anyone who has a taste of good things, I wanted more.
I will not be getting it any time soon. Meanwhile Kos's time is up here so it is back to Russia for him where he will not be getting it either. Meanwhile undeserving queens here continue to screw over people who want to be in a relationship.
It felt like the coldest cut of all.
CEILING THOUGHTS
Well....different apartment, same white ceiling. Why is it that when I wonder about my future there is always a white ceiling around for me to stare up at?
In any case, I stared at my ceiling. Two months ago, I achieved one of my main goals. I graduated from college. I also had a boyfriend there who taped it. Those were two things I never thought would EVER happen. It was a milestone for me.
Right now, I stared at the ceiling. I graduated two months ago. My boyfriend leaves in a week. My eyes are on the ceiling thinking about this town and its politics and I ask:
How do I get the hell out of here?
Diego (Trapped?)
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