TEN YEARS LATER...
In November 1997, I wrote and posted my first column. Titled "Pause," it was part of the Oasis website for gay and lesbian youth. Now ten years later, I have a website where I still post columns.
In honor of that first column, I decided to look back at "Pause." I decided to go back to that shy kid who wondered what to write for a friend. Ten years ago...
'IT'S FUNNY...'
How does one begin a column? What would I say? Those were the first questions that came to mind as I stared at the blank page.
Naturally, I had to start off with an ideal or theme. I had decided on getting to know myself. I was a freshman at Arkansas State University. While I didn't know what the future held, all I knew was that I wanted to be happy.
So high school.
Fast forward to now...
One of the growing obstacles to a potential Kos/Diego reconciliation was his non-ability to be more...'out.' I knew coming out was a major issue for most gay men. However, the fact that even in a big city where no one knew Kos from a hole in the wall, he wouldn't hold my hand in public. He wouldn't walk too close to me. he wouldn't be part of a couple even when were were in gay Hillcrest.
And while I'm not blazing-out-of-the-closet gay, I am not in the closet totally either. There was a time and a place for everything. Being with my boyfriend was one of those cases to me.
This problem appeared to grow bigger as months went by. We would start off civil, but it would end in accusations and yelling with me hanging up on him. However there was one time he offered up an interesting point: I was pretty much out as a gay man, but I was always so unhappy. It didn't seem that being 'out' was worth it if all it brought a person was pain and misery.
I mean...seriously...when was the last time I was completely no-care-in-the-world happy?
While I actually do not know when I was that happy, I could always say one thing about me.
Am I happy with my life? No, I am not. What I am happy with? That I am true to myself, and not playing games with people.
And someday...that would pay off...I hope.
'GOING BACK TO WHAT I SAID' AND OTHER 'NAIVE THOUGHTS'
Back when I was a freshman...even before college, I had been confused about my sexuality. Until I met MG, I was just a shy bookworm...even had a crush on a girl. Then MG hit.
For years I was not even sure how to deal with that. Girls were fun, but I felt a stronger draw to guys. What was going on?
So I went into college, thinking of myself as just a bisexual wanting to explore my guy side. And a great place to explore your sexuality was at college. And at the time I thought that at least in a town bigger than Pine Bluff, I would have a chance to be with someone.
As I said in that very first column...how naive.
At the time I said it, I was full of hope and innocence.
Now I could think about it now. God, I was stupid. Hope has everything AND died. Innocence was lost, found, tore in shreds, retaped together, burned into ashes, and flew away by way of wind.
Like Kos had said, I had become an extremely unhappy person. Bipolar more than not. Not able to let anyone close because that would require a trust that I just can't give. Too many cruelties in my 10 years of being out. It was enough to date girls...if that was who I was.
And perhaps because I haven't had a lot of warmth, light, hope in my life, when I found it I clinged to it with everything in me. It wasn't me clinging...I would have to trust enough to. And...I no longer have that capability.
I remember when I first starting dating. There was the guy who took my virginity. The guy from the library. The guy who ridiculed me. The guy who asked me out, then ignored me the whole date. The guy with the one inch penis. The frat whore who married a friend of mine, but was screwing every guy, but me. Mr. Aries. Prejudices. All my booty calls. John. Rob. Christian.
When a person gave their all only to get either rejected, used, pitied, and/or ridiculed, how do people honestly think they will be?
Not good.
'...HAVEN'T DONE ENOUGH...'
By the end of that column, I had come to brief observations in terms of these brief things I wasn't a writer. I didn't have a boyfriend. I wasn't happy.
When I paused...taking a step back from life, I managed to get a jump-start. I started work on a story, looked around for a boyfriend, and happiness would only come if I cared about myself first.
This would be my pause. In between sleep and two jobs, there wasn't enough time to write. I continued to be wrapped up in the knots between my exes John and Kos, no end in sight. And happiness was still very absent.
On the good side, I do believe that story was my start. While I had not written lately, I had been on the writing move for years. Two and a half written novel. A dozen short stories...one of which was e-published. Countless columns for Oasis and then starting in 2002 for here. 5 seasons of fanfiction. 3 to 4 years of a teen soap. Countless ideas and hidden stories.
My outer life was not great, but my inner life was rich.
However...I could go farther.
I wanted to live.
'THE POINT TO ALL THIS: TAKE A BREATHER...'
Back then, I took a breather. I thought it was great in hindsight. It was surprising how things came into prospective for me then.
And how were things coming into prospective now?
I came to realize that maybe my cell phone temporarily being off was a blessing in disguise. Since people can't get to me, I could keep to myself in a Scott Speedman loner sense. Good, I thought.
I just got done playing another vicious game of 'what orientation are you?' where sexually questionable bois pushed and pulled my emotions. Kos had just accused me of being a clinger...which is code to me for a leech...something that has always set me off with any guy. I appeared to be doing the work drama. I just wanted it all to stop.
So...I decided to take a breather. I paused. Figure out what I wanted to do.
Where once things were simple, I thought this would be a longer one. I thought I would take a bit more time. Get to reknow myself. Face my demons.
Hm. Ten years later, it was still a good technique.
Diego
Back to 2008