Over? Part 3: Games and Resolution

"Hey!" I said. "Having fun?"

"Go talk to him," Glenn said.

"Huh?" I said in drunken confusion.

We were at the Factory, a nice little downtown club. Glenn hadn't been there in a while so he wanted to go. I was kinda scared since it was John's hangout. However, it was Friday and 9 times out of 10 John was at work.

That night was the 1 time out of 10. He was there, up against a wall. It took him awhile to see me. It didn't take him long to cross my path and start a conversation. And every time I got away, I got a stare (from him) or something thrown (from him).

Now I made it over to my friends finally. And Glenn said that? I explained I was having fun. Why go talk to him? Glenn told me he was sick of John watching me and like Samantha did to Carrie in the SATC Season 5 Opener, he pushed me in John's direction. I looked at him in shocked.

I turned to look at John. He sat at a table. He smiled.

I walked over. The whole time I wondered the same thought that has plagued me a lot when it came to John. Would this ever be over?

ACKNOWLEDGMENT

I walked through the door of Glenn's apartment. We had left the Factory to get a quick cocktail before we club-hopped. As soon as he closed the door, my eyes narrowed on Glenn.

"What the hell was that?" I demanded.

"What?" Glenn asked all ignorant.

"You know what!" I spit out. "You know I didn't want to be around him. I was there to have fun! All he does is cause drama and bring me down! Why put me through that?"

Glenn looked at me completely calm and asked the question that to me changed everything.

"Why can't you be around him, Diego?"

I looked at him like he had lost his mind. "You know why."

He kept acting like he didn't know what I was talking about. My blood felt hot. After about the fifth 'why' from him, it just shot out.

"Why does it bother me? Because I love John."

And there it was. Out in the open. It was right there on display like a sculpture. My feelings...under much buriage...was unearthed.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" Glenn asked.

I glared at him.

Seriously, what was the point of being in love with someone if you're never going to be with them? Then what happens if they won't let you get over them?

DREAMING

Then we club-hopped. Of course, John was there, too. I felt somewhat uncomfortable being around him. Somehow I made it through hanging out with him. I went home and went to bed.

Then I had the following dream (retold from an email):

Glenn and I are heading to this house party in this dream. John is at the party. We wind up going to the bathroom. I don't remember the conversation, but I'm sure that I told him that I love him. And I think he told me the same thing because we started to head out of the party and at the door, a friend of mine is there. I stop to talk to her. I'm on one side of the door and John is on the other side of it. I don't remember if I walk through or not.

Next thing I know Glenn is leading me through a labyrinth of high walls and dusk colors (like the maze from Labyrinth the movie). There's a crowd of colorless people who are wandering about. As Glenn and I walk past this crowd, Rob appears out of the crowd, grabs me, and leads me back the way Glenn and I came. Glenn keeps moving forward. Rob takes me to this house and then runs off. I follow him. The more I follow, the more that people vanish until I reach these double doors and Rob vanishes behind them. I go behind them and find color. The street is made of sand, there are Victorian like houses on both sides on me and at the end of the street is a bridge and a tree that reaches up to Heaven at the very end.

At this point, I am realizing that I'm dreaming and I have this feeling of longing like I belong there and I don't want to forget this place...wherever it is. I see doors open to the right of me and I go through one and I'm backstage. I go up these stairs and I'm in a friend's bedroom. We talk for a while and he says he has to go to class. As he changes clothes, he says fuck it and kisses me. I just leave and go to a house next door which turns out to be an antique shop, but everything in it is new. To the right of me is a couple. To the left of me is two white blonde twins talking to each other, but sitting at different tables. I go to the counter where the old woman knows me and ask if I want my usual. I said in a British accent that I was quite fine and that I would talk to her later. I turn around and the twins are gone. In their place is a black man staring at me. I leave.

I go to the bridge, but when I try to walk across it, It breaks where I step and fall into the ocean. A girl appears with curly dark hair and light brown skin (like mine) and I ask her about the bridge. She says it is not ready yet to be finished and the foundation was not built yet, but someday. I look at the tree over at the other side and it turns into a heart for a second and goes back. I stare out at the ocean for a while and when I turn to look at the girl she's gone. I turn around Where an old man gives me a choice of which door to go through. I go through one and I'm back at the backstage. I see a sculpture that reaches to the ceiling. I climb it. As I climb, I'm morphing. The closer to the top I get the more of a woman I become until I'm a woman with flowing black hair and nice breast and I'm holding up other girls with my hands. I drop one set and the other set winds up falling. As I'm falling, I morph back to me. The girls accuse me of rape and run out. I look dumbfounded. And I don't remember anything else because my alarm went off and what I had seen disturbed me enough that I went into a kind of shock.

So real. So vivid in my memory. What did it mean?

In the past, I've had vague dreams which tend to reveal something to me...like there's a reason someone is in my life. The idea that there was a reason he was there does not make me happy.

Would I ever get him out of my head?

THE SHOWDOWN

Weeks passed by. Life went down. It got to a point where I woke up one morning and it felt different. I might actually be over John.

I was out one night with Glenn. John showed up. No big deal, I thought. He walked up to me and said the most unexpected thing:

"I have your umbrella."

My mind was of two thoughts. Since I'm awfully absent-minded with my umbrellas, I was happy to know where it was. On the other hand, damn, John had my umbrella which means he still had a connection to me.

I kept on having fun though. I refuse to let him ruin my good mood. The fact that i was having my fun seem to surprise him.

***

I was in the neighborhood looking for a new job. I thought that I could call John and get my umbrella. A simple get-in-and-get-right-back out.

Thirty minutes into his apartment, I realized better. He kept going on and on about his life and his latest fling. I listened, nodded, and waited.

Then he told me that someone had been talking about me. I frowned. I wanted to know who it was, but he wouldn't immediately tell me.

After a really long game of cat-and-mouse, I sat on the floor. I was at my wits' end. Who was this person? John finally gave up and gave me the hint that I was asking the wrong questions. Like Hansel and Gretel with bread crumbs, I followed his line of questioning until he told me the truth: Glenn had said I was talking about John and he wanted to hear me say what I wanted to say.

I felt like the deer in the headlights. In the last column, I mentioned talking to John on the phone about us. I thought it was over then. Now here I was with the question of us narrowing its eyes on me.

"Where is this coming from?" I demanded.

"I'm giving you the talk you wanted months ago," John replied.

"We did it...months ago," I said. "As far as I was concerned, it was over."

John appeared surprised. I kept going. Of course, what happened that Saturday came up...how I felt...how he felt. My moving on came up. I told him that while I didn't want him out of my life, I really couldn't have him in it as a friend (which he seem to really want) until I was over him. I needed him to stop pressuring me and give me my time to heal. I told him about the dream. He had nothing to say. I finally asked him why even be friends with me at all if I hurt him so much that day.

"Because there is so much hope about you," he said.

"Hope?" I said, confused.

"Respect."

He respected me for having something he feels he doesn't have: hope that I'm going to find that special someone. I frowned at him. I just broken it off with another jerk so I definitely didn't feel hopeful. However, it felt nice that he thought I had hope.

I had to go to work so we left it at that. I was happy. He was happy. The tension was gone.

It seem like the issue was buried.

FRIENDS (Then add drinks and drugs)

I was a mess.

Three hours ago that night, I had called Rob, the guy from Jonesboro I was in love with and who gets a frequent mention in my journal. He had announced to me that he was moving to Florida. He was sick of the people and their close-mindness there. He needed to get away. This was new to me and yes, I was shocked and upset. It hurt me so much...the idea of Rob not being in Arkansas anymore...I needed to numb that pain
.
Enter Glenn and a lot of liquor.

Like I said, I was a mess. I was at the Factory. I was in a sea of gay men and I hated them all. I thought that if the community was more inviting then maybe Rob would not feel the need to move. With that thought in mind, I told everyone...friends and enemies alike...to not touch me and walk away. Tonight I just wanted my space. As someone found out, touching resulted in your arm being roughly grabbed and you pushed away.

Except for John.

He was there that night. The first of his alternative weekend nights off. And to be honest, I really did need him that night. He didn't judge. He gave me my space. He didn't touch. He was just there holding a conversation. There was no tension like when we talked last time.

Then this nice sexy boy walked by. We both watched him and commented on fucking him. I was done with it then. However, John went on about fucking if someone asked. The tone in his voice said it. That someone was me.

"I need to go feed my cat," Glenn said.

Taking a cue from SATC, that sentence was our signal to leave. I got my jacket and left. My mind wondered where did that idea John have come from.

That was followed a few weeks later, with me and John going to the movies. It was Easter and I was bored so I called him. We talked for a while. Then surprising, he showed up on my doorstep and asked. So I went.

Afterwards, I went to his apartment. It's been said that when I do "questionable things," I get horny. So to see if I could handle myself, I did a drug. What followed was a game of word association to Mozart that went to an exotic place. No, I did not have sex. However, the game left me questioning John's motive toward me. Did he want me back? Was I projecting because I wanted him back? What was going on?

So I tested my theory. I let him know where I would be one Saturday. I showed up after clubhopping drunk. He showed up fucked up.

Together we hanged around with each other more or less. I told him from the start that if he didn't find a trick that night he could have sex with me. It was neat, direct, and to the point.

What was his reaction to that proposition? Just like a man, he made excuses. I had other plans (which I didn't really, but changed). He was in the mood for no-holds-barred sex (I was game). He had a trick (change his plans and go with the funnier guy--namely me, said I). None of his excuses held up in my eyes. For someone who kept dropping hints about being interested, John was sure making up excuses to not be with me.

The night went on and too much drama happened. I was ready to go. However, Glenn was dealing with drama with Mr. Spiritual so I had to stay and deal with too much crap. It was only when the club was closing that I could leave. I was already pissed by then. Glenn was still dealing with Mr. Drunken Spiritual and my tolerance was too low. I bitchingly said I'll be outside with the attitude of 'don't fuck with me.'

Eventually, they came outside. We headed for the car. I realized that Mr. Spiritual was behind. I turned around to see where he was...too late to hear Glenn's warning to not turn around.

The Spiritual One was busy being all over John. My eyes saw this...John being with someone I hate for jerking Glenn's emotions around and a jerk rather than be with me. My eyes saw this and everything became clear. Through all drama between John and me, I at least trusted him and cared about him. But that sight? My mind could not take it. At that moment, my feelings for John died.

Mr. Spiritual continued to try to goad me as we headed for the car. I told Glenn that he needed to shut him up before there was one less queen in that parking lot.

Haven't talked to John since.

SO...IS IT OVER?

According to Glenn, while I was waiting outside, John asked him "Are me and Diego okay?"

I sighed in frustration over it. I said to Glenn what he said to John: if he wants to know how 'we' are doing, he should ask me. Besides, there is no 'we.' When I wanted a 'we,' he didn't want one. And now I don't even trust him.

I love him and lately I can honestly say it was love when I couldn't before. While I have been with many guys or chased a lot of them, John was the first one who got me. The one who liked being with me as much as I liked being with him. I let my guard completely down with him like no one else. I was more content than with anyone else.

I know all this. Because of that, I'm sorry...I really don't want to see him again. He's weighing job offers right now and I hope he takes one and leave. Because to have this thing that made me completely happy and know I will never have it again and yet it keeps hitting on me is wrong.

Because to me...we're over...period.

Diego (la douleur exquise)


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