OVER? PART 1: LOVE AND PAIN
Well it had to happen sometime. John decided to get
interested in someone not me. As I stated before, we
were fuck buddies with an arrangement...we break it off
if one of us were interest in someone else.
So far I was the first one to attempt a relationship
outside our arrangement with someone. John
unexpectedly lashed out at me (see the 'Case of the
Ex' column). Now he was wanting to check someone else
out.
"Okay," I said cheekily.
As we fucked, something weird happened. Tears kept
coming to my eyes. It took me by surprise. I ignored
it.
In stories, this incident would be foreshadowing.
THE CANCER BOY
Cancer Boy was a massage therapist that John was good friends with . He told me about him in passing. Mr. Smiles and Rob were Cancers so I can say I'm a good judge of gay Cancers. Of course, I told John what I thought of Cancers. He smiled at my mild jealousy. I told him while I was a little jealous, it was more about the craziness of the gay Cancer. I also pointed out that being with Cancer Boy went against his nature so I doubted it would work out. Time was on my side.
A month later, I called John to be sure of when Cancer Boy would perform one Thursday night (his first time in drag). We have not officially met so I was curious. To my surprise, John told me they broke up.
Of course, I told him I was sorry that happened. John told me that Cancer Boy's jealousy (which was cute a month ago) drove him crazy since he could not be around any guy without Mr. Green Eye popping out. Then he told me that he realized he was happier with who he was with before. Translation: He was happy with me, but wasn't about to say it aloud.
I made it to that club fairly quick. *s*
John was different. He was also drunk. It did not bother me much at first. As the night progressed, we kept finding ourselves around each other. We chatted about stuff, but there was unspoken thoughts going on. It was weird.
I knew things were different between us when he walked up to me late in the night. I was sitting on a platform, recovering from dancing. He sat down beside me and after a few moments put his head on my shoulder.
I flinched and wondered what was going on. John was goofy and playful, but he was never really affectionate...until that moment. I didn't know what to do, but I did like it. So I leaned my head into his and smiled a little.
Later on, he would tell me he wanted me to go home with him that night. In hindsight, maybe things would have turned out better if I had. Again in hindsight, that night was the eye before the storm.
THE SLIP OF TONGUE
My phone rang Saturday morning. I growled. I was hang over from the night before. Also everyone knew I was never up before noon anyway.
I looked at my phone. It was John. I frowned since I knew he knew about my rule. Also it's rare he calls me.
PCB (Pre-Cancer Boy), I had agreed to go with John to a sex education group/brunch group thing. It happened to occur on the third Saturday of the month. That Saturday was that day so I asked when he needed me to be ready.
He was down the street, closing in. *s* I was already running around finding the nearest cleanest thing in sight.
Minutes later, we were there. The food was quite nice. I learned some new things about sex and AIDS. A guy was interested in John who weirdly enough had eyes for me. If I did not know better, I would say he was acting boyfriend-y. The vibe was there in his actions.
After the meeting, we hanged out, shopped, and drove aimlessly. He told me that he found a shirt I left over at his apartment. Of course, I wanted my shirt (it was black), but I knew what would happen if we went to his apartment. I told him so.
Of course, we went. It was suppose to be a get-in and get-out. Never really got that far since John took the initiative and pulled off my clothes in a heartbeat.
For the first time, sex was different between us. There wasn't a quick orgasm. There wasn't just fucking going on. Every look. Every sigh. Every gesture. It was different. More gentle. More caring. Romantic even.
I loved it. It allowed for a more playful mood for sure. We went at each other with complete abandon. It was 'wake the neighbor' great sex and I didn't care who heard us.
Just when I was about to let go farther, I felt it. This really bad feeling. I could not explain it. In that moment, it felt wrong.
Wrong? I was with the person I wanted to be with. Why could that be wrong?
Because he specifically said he did not want me to form an emotional attachment. He could not after all. Here I was about to finally do something I haven't did before. I could feel that wall I had up to keep myself from being hurt or getting attached was about to come down. Maybe it was the hints or the romantic vibe of the whole day, but it was about to happen. If it did, I would be his and stuck on him...attached.
And he didn't want that. He said he didn't. In my eye, he didn't want to be with me in that way, but he wanted to be with Cancer Boy that way. In that light...enjoying myself now physically, but not emotionally in the way I wanted...I felt like a whore.
And I jumped off of John and stormed out of the room. This was not what I wanted. I cared about him, but I wanted more than a physical relationship. I wanted more.
He asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to talk about it. He kept asking. I've never lied to him so I told him the truth. That slip of the tongue...telling him I felt like a whore...shattered the afternoon to pieces.
EVEN THE DETACHED CAN BE HURT
Everything was in reverse now. While I put on my clothes, I saw John glaring at me like I just did to him before my confession. I asked him what he felt like he just asked me. Like me, John was not talking. He did not want to talk about it. I told him that he could talk to me.
His eyes narrowed farther. Then he lashed out. He felt that by me saying how I felt that he felt like something lower than a whore. And he hates that word. He said in plain English that him and I were not about sex, regardless of what we said. Because of what I said, he would never put himself in a position like that day.
I tried to explain that it wasn't that I hated him. I tried to explain my reaction. I wanted him to talk more. He put up a wall, only letting it down long enough to admit that I had gotten closer than he expected and that I hurt his feelings.
I was confused. How could such a good day go to hell like it was now? John always said he had no feelings. He could not feel. Yet he just said I hurt his feelings? If that is true, then he can feel so why couldn't he let me as close as he let Cancer Boy?
As he parked outside of my apartment, John and I sat in silence. He told me to forget about it. Don't brood about it because he wasn't going to. He would still talk to me, but that was pretty much it. He wouldn't listen to me beyond that.
I went about my business. I was at work one night when a co-worker needed help with a trash can. As I pulled it out, she talked about a gift her boyfriend got her.
I took one look at it. It was a Care Bear. Something rose up in me and I ran back into the store. I found a corner and started to cry.
You see...John was an '80s nut like me. And that very week, he bought a lot of Care Bear stuff. As I stood and cried (and everyone thought I lost my mind), I realized something.
I guess, like John with me, I cared more than I thought or expected.
***
I sat in Starbucks, waiting. John had been back from Las Vegas for a few days now. I called him to see if he wanted to go out for coffee. He said yeah.
As I sat, I thought about what happened. It had been almost a week now so we both had time to think. Maybe he might not be angry with me. Maybe I could say how I felt.
John showed up. We had nice idle chit-chat. We talked about what had been going on in our lives...except for IT. It was as I was taking a drink from my caramel latte that he told me that he had had sex 24 hours after being back...and he was now dating this person.
"What?" I said after choking on my latte.
John went on...in graphic detail I might add...to tell me about going out to the club with friends. In the middle of a conversation about Smurfs, he met who we both dubbed "the Kid." A lot of 80s trivia later, they are back at John's apartment and John returned from downstairs to find the Kid naked and in the mood for kink. And I had to sit and listen to all the details.
Diego (and the horror continues...)
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