MONOGAMY...PARTY OF ONE
Ken had been upset.
It was another breakup for him. Like most people who got into a relationship, he had ignored his friends. While I got the irony, I still acted the pat of the good friend.
After he vented for a while, Ken laid one of his 'black truths' on me: that gay white men seem to recover from an interracial relationship quicker than gay black men. While gay black men took the time to mourn, Ken said that gay white men continued to go out as if they had never been a relationship. They had an air of 'whatever' to them as if they weren't even human and could not comprehend another person's feelings.
Ken made sure to let me know that by other person's feelings he meant a black person's feelings. The pool for gay black men looking for a gay white man was many. Meanwhile, the pool for gay white men looking for a black person was extremely small. Naturally, there would be sour grapes all around, but he found it ridiculous since gay white men had the advantage and used it to mess up people's heads.
I continued to be the good friend. I could not argue the point at any rate, giving my experiences in Jonesboro with the white boys there and Christian. It was the same in Little rock as well. I knew how it was.
Was it really hard for white gay men to be monogamous? Especially to a gay black man?
COPPING OUT
In a word (or two): Cop-out.
When I was not with someone, I was like other gay boys. I slept around. After all, men did have needs.
However...when I was with someone...as in exclusive...I was only with that person. No one else. The dating routine in the gay community allowed for some flexibility. Still, I felt once two mature adults had that talk about exclusivity...that was it. They were with only each other.
My phone rang. I stopped writing. the number appeared familiar, but the area code was so not a California area code. So I did what I do with unfamiliar numbers: I ignored it. If it was important or someone I knew, they would leave a message.
My phone vibrated. Goodie! The unknown person left a message. I picked up my phone and listened to my voicemail.
"By now you know who this is..."
Yeah, I did. I flinched a bit. It was Kos.
And...he wanted to talk.
***
I headed out of the library. It had been a day for editing. Kos's call was in the back of my mind. I highly doubted it was for a reconciliation.
And I was right. Kos had called for advice. He felt I would be able to give him a situation to things with his boyfriend.
Surprisingly enough,I let him vent. I heard a few things I liked...like he had turned into me in his new relationship. I heard a few things I didn't like...like him talking in such a way about his new relationship that he trashed his old one aka ours. But what really confined that they only known each other a month and did 'I love you's and had the exclusive talk...yet Kos cheated on him.
Yes, they had had a fight. Still, he had. And I honestly felt that it must not be love then if you could so easily cheat. Then again they had only been together a month. Take that for what you will.
He also told me about one of his friends. They had met through a hookup. And while they were friends, Hookup Guy really felt uncomfortable being around Kos. Even though they both have boyfriends, Hookup Guy felt he would jump Kos's bones again. He wanted to try to work on his relationship.
Try. If Hookup Guy really wanted the relationship, he wouldn't just...try. If he wanted the relationship, Hookup guy wouldn't play with fire...or in one case a game of footies under the table...with Kos.
As human beings, we gay men knew what to do or not to do. So I was tired of what amounted to lame-ass excuses for gay men acting like they can't be monogamous. Gay men could.
They simply chose not to.
And Heaven forbid, they were seem as monsters for doing something like leading someone on so they weren't alone in bed. If I didn't know better I would thought they were animals. Of course, Heaven forbid I mentioned that...even though gay men wanted to use the 'animal urge' excuse to not be monogamous.
Again, monogamy was a choice. that was...if a person wanted to choose it. So like I said: C-O-P-O-U-T.
GAMES
"You're playing games."
I looked over at Art. I had finished up packing my backpack to head home. Art had started his shift at Hotel S. I had just gotten him up to speed on my latest happenings with Mitch at the bar.
"Uh," I replied. "No, I'm not. I'm just really tired."
"But you want to see him?" Art asked.
"Yep."
"And he wants to see you?"
"Yeah."
"So you're playing games."
"I'm just tired," I protested.
Free beer would only get a person so far. I would hate to think that Mitch thought I found him interesting only because he gave me free beer. What kind of relationship would that be?
Then again...was I in a relationship?
***
It was hard enough for a gay man who wanted monogamy to find it when gay men are claiming there was no such thing. Then there were the gay men who played games like a cat toying with a ball of yarn. I disliked those gay men.
Was I one of them?
I sat at the bar. Art and I had gone to the Hillcrest Cinema to see THE SEPTEMBER ISSUE. From them, we hanged around San Diego. After Art headed home, I hanged around Hillcrest, finally landing at the bar...where Mitch was working.
It was the first time I've seen Mitch since I crashed at his apartment. i was not sure how to be. I attempted to be relaxed...calm.
It was a decent crowd, I noticed as I drank my Corona...which was free. Mitch held a good conversation...but the vibe was off. One moment he would be himself, talking with me and Barback about horror trivia. The next moment he helped other customers...but there was a cold vibe being thrown my way.
I drank my Corona. I was not Jean Grey by any words or means ...but Mitch looked like there was something he wanted to say. But he wasn't saying it. It made me think he was playing games.
Carl texted me. He was upset. His uncle had died. And he and his drunken friends had gotten into some incident. Being the concerned friend, I headed outside to call to see what was up.
He was very upset. Part of it was tiredness. Part of it was irritation. I was just worried that he would drive drunk.
So I headed into the bar. I grabbed my backpack...which was with me. I texted him to call me when he got home so I knew he made it there safely. If he needed to talk, I was available. Then I headed for the nearest bus stop.
It was at the bus stop that I realized it. I forgot to say good-bye to Mitch. I pondered whether I should text or not. then I mentally kicked myself for even being like that. I texted him.
Whether we are something or not, I should at least be honest. I still pondered if he thought I was playing games. It felt good to know I...was not.
NOT JUST ANYBODY
I've been too busy to do it lately, but there was a chat room that I frequent on gay.com. In that room, gay men actually held conversations. They also joked, flirted, and hang out. I saw gay men as real people which was ironic given the nature of the room.
Here I was with people from all over the world looking for what I was looking. I had made a few friends. But...there wasn't that right fit.
Day in, day out, I headed to either (or both) Postal Place or Hotel S. Day in, day out I saw other people. Other couples. Surely there was some monogamy.
So what was going on?
***
Kos decided he might give his boyfriend another chance. He thought I should make that decision for him for some reason. I thought it weird since I was the Ex.
His whole reason for giving his boyfriend another chance? He felt lonely and horny.
Seriously?
Was he that hard up for sex? I would have to say no. I knew the ratio for gay black men for a gay white man who was interested in that.
Still, Kos really wanted my thoughts.
"Are the trust issues still there?" I asked.
"I like him," Kos mumbled.
"That was a 'yes-or-no' question," I said, cutting through the crap.
"Yes."
"There's your answer then."
But still...Kos just didn't want to wind up alone. Or worse...like me.
I kinda flinched. I was around a bus stop that day. And one thing I had always disliked in other gay men was desperation. I especially hated when they were worried about aloneness=loser that they would get in a sucky situation rather than took a risk and found someone that fit more.
I also knew it took a lot of balls to be by yourself when you wanted to be...with someone.
"You deserve better," I said, with a bit more edge than I should. "Don't settle for less."
It made me think for a while. when I was younger, I always wanted someone to be with. Matt. Christian. Rob. John. Kos. Frenchman. No one seem to want what I wanted. At least, not completely.
Was it me? I could make it a case for 'yes.' The guys appeared to have monogamy with other people. with me...not so much. They were even willing to do gay things with other people and yet not with me. They had long periods of time with other people.
I could also make a case for 'no' however. Those same guys cheated on their boys...or came back to me...or self-destructed. And for someone who was unimportant, most ran back to me. I would label them drama queens actually.
Maybe I was a Felicity. Or like Carrie Bradshaw in the SEX AND THE CITY Season 2 finale when the girls compared her to the character in THE WAY WE WERE. I was complicated. And the sad truth was gay men wanted monogamy with simple boys...not the untamed complicated boy.
Funny thing about that. Simple for most people was boring. No wonder they cheated. Yet they weren't man enough for the complicated untamed boy. Complicated could surprisingly keep a drama queen busy after all.
Monogamy wasn't hard. That wasn't the problem. It was surprisingly simple. Gay men chose to make it a hard thing to do.
I chose not to put up with the bs. I also didn't just want anybody. I wanted a good...fit.
Diego
Back to 2009