AT THE END: MANIFESTO
Resolutions.
Around the first of the year, most people make them. It is a new year. Another chance to get a lot of mistakes last year right.
Normally, I am one of those people who make resolutions. I struggle to get them done. Around the start of summer, those resolutions break down as life grows hectic and man-hungry.
This year I didn't make resolutions. It isn't that I did not make mistakes or I could not think of improvements. I just didn't. My mind is always on the future.
And the future...has become question marks.
DESTINATION: THE GRADUATION STAGE
The adviser sat in front of me. He was showing me how to calculate my GPA and how not retaking History of Costume messed it up. He also told me the best news of all.
My credits add up, allowing me to finally graduate with my Bachelor degree in English and minor in Theater. After a series of overrides and hectic schedule, May 23 was to be my day. My face resisted the urge to glow.
Then the glow left my face as people keep asking me the same thing: What was I going to do after I graduate?
My answer has always been...write. Now people asked what. Now people asked how, if I had a job already lined up? What kind of job?
How? What? When? Where?
Questions shot at me like laser rays from a futuristic gun. They were questions I did not have the answers for. I was just happy to be on my way out.
Of course, the original plan had always been to go back to California. Now that there was light at the end of the tunnel, I wondered...did I really want to go out to California? What about another place? Chicago? New York? St. Louis?
All of a sudden, graduation did not look good.
IN THE CARDS: THE TAO
I picked up Houston Smith's book "The World's Religions." It was post-John. I was so sick of the petty crap that he and other gay men were putting me through. I wanted something else. I wanted something different. I wanted enlightenment.
The book was like a guide through various religions. It was in easy text. Taoism immediately got my attention. It talked of a possible way to bring a sense of calm to me that was lost.
I fell to studying it like an animal in heat.
*s*
Then I remembered where I lived...in a city full of very slow narrow-minded rednecks...some of whom I worked with. Some of them went out of their way to be mean and nasty. Others could not keep up with me at work even with my assistance. And most importantly to me...they were insecure with their sexuality.
When a person...usually a guy here...is uncomfortable with his sexuality, that person felt the need to take his insecurities out on someone who isn't. I no longer felt insecure. Naturally, I was a target.
I want to go off on people like that. However, the tao would frown on losing your cool. Then again, Tao would frown on doing nothing.
Yet I like the exploration of this religion that I have begun. Work, school, and life have made it harder to explore. A question screamed at me.
Will I have time to truly embrace it?
TO THE ASHES: MY LOVE LIFE
It had been a bad day. I loved to work. Working was constructive. Working gave me something to do. Working for my money made me feel good. So seeing someone who worked for a paycheck (or actually they rode the clock and did nothing) while I do my job irritated me. Follow that with same people calling in or clocking in, but not relieving me when they know I have things to do (or rent to pay) and you have a very miff Diego.
So I picked up my cell phone to call John. It had been a few days since we talked. It had almost been a month since John and I decided to give it another go. We were actually dating. We were actually communicating. He was shockingly enough treating me like a boyfriend. So as said boyfriend, I took the time to use his ear to vent on my bad day.
Maybe it was a vibe. It definitely hit after John mentioned that he had went to dinner with some old friends of his and it was 'weird.' Maybe it was the tone of the word 'weird' that gave it away. Something told me to leave it alone.
But telling the truth has always been a big issue with me. I would rather have it than be lied to.
"What do you mean weird?" I asked.
"We had a threesome."
"Oh."
"My ass hurts."
"Oh."
Both 'ohs' were said with the tone of 'you-are-on-thin-ice.' Meanwhile, John had revealed his surprise with malicious glee. My anger, which was already on the surface, boiled over.
He had matured. He had talked about how he had changed. He had complained about how he was sick of being single, hoping to get through to my indifference.
How could he so utterly fuck up his last chance after all the effect he made to get me back?
I will never know. That would require me to talk to John and not call him what he is. The thing he hates. And I just cannot do that. I know 'Whore' would fly out of my mouth so we don't talk.
Or maybe I know. John is immature. Always was. Rather than be an adult and sit down and talk to me about us and split as friends, John decided to take the cruelest way possible to hurt me...because he knew he would hurt me. And that knowledge...that his threesome was done to hurt me...was the coldest cut that anyone (including MG) has ever done to me.
He won't be missed.
And yet...how do I go on to anyone else after that?
AT THE END: MANIFESTO
Resolutions. I normally make them. Like everyone else, I tend to break them. Maybe I should have this year given all that has happened so far this year.
From that though spun my manifesto. Like a phoenix, it came into being. It was like a purpose had come into my being. A path that would leave me into a place full of enlightenment. And the questions fell away.
'Did I want to go to California?'
With all my heart to doubt the ideal that I had held up to for so long when I've felt low would be wrong. Okay...Chicago is still on my mind. However, make no mistake. By the end of the year, I will not be in Little Rock...or Arkansas period.
'Will I have time to embrace it?'
*s* Funny thing about Tao. It is a do-and-do-not. It may seem like I am not moving, yet I am. It is already a part of me. IF I can balance the yin and the yang and maintain equilibrium then I am on my way. By the end of the year, I will reach my goal of complete balance.
'How do I go on to anyone else after that?'
For now...I don't. There is a lot of people out there. They all have their flaws, but not as destructive as Arkansas gay men. I believe that there are decent gay men out there. To find them, I have to leave here. All I have are immature boys (and I use that loosely). By the end of the year, I will find people who actually still have their souls attached to their bodies.
Will I find someone who can get through my scars and wounds?
Time will tell.
Until then, battle on Diego.
Diego (Chicago...hmmmm....)
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