In a Looking Glass
You got to love the irony: Paul took me to the club because I was stressed out about work, school, and my nonexistent love life. It was suppose to be a night of fun. So imagine my surprise when on the one night I go out with no hope of finding someone, not wanting someone, and expecting just another guy with a one night stand on his mind that I found someone who wanted a relationship.
It was an awkward thing. He was nice. I thought he was joking. He thought I was joking. He put me in a state of disbelief when he wanted to talk more than just have sex. How did it turn out? Time will tell. It's just that he...was me. Rather he was me a few years ago at the start of college. I was a lot more idealistic about relationships. I thought everyone was interested in having one. Loneliness was a no-no. I was saving myself for Matt, the first guy I fell in love with when I admitted I had feelings for guys.
As for me, I had become that thing that I dislike in Jonesboro guys. The guys just think sex, sex, sex. It doesn't matter if they have a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or who gets hurt or if they're seen as a slut or whore as long as they get sexual gratification from someone. I just wasn't me that night. I left the club shaken. Yeah, I had fun. Still the words of the guy haunted me. He kept wondering why I had no boyfriend. My thought: Good question.
From what I've seen of relationships here, it has made me a harden guy. With the exception of one couple, everyone who has someone is really messing around with someone else. To give out your heart is rewarded with having it tore to pieces by the one who "cares about you" (aka doesn't care; just wants to bed you to full his quota). Loneliness is an abyss that seem eternal. Months ago, I pulled away from all of this to focus on other pursuits. I still am pursuing other things (with the occasional meeting a guy). Thoughts about testing the waters have been big of late. Then I see or hear about the behavior of the "guys" here, and I feel like a male Ally McBeal who will never find anyone...here.
So to paraphrase Allyish: I want more than a one night stand. I want to go out on a date to a restaurant or the movies. I want to hold hands with someone. I want to cuddle with a real man. I want to wake up in the morning and see him next to me. Heck, I want to wake up at three in the morning and look into his eyes. I'm sorry if I want more than a one night stand. I'm sorry if I don't feel like making my boyfriend or "girlfriend" think they are the only one when really they meet other people in public places. I'm sorry if I don't like treating people like crap when I yearn for the same things they do. I'm sorry I don't want to sleep with everyone in town. I'm sorry that I don't sleep with everyone in town. Maybe I am being idealistic like I was when I was a freshman. Maybe I will never find anyone. At least, I can look at myself in the mirror and know I'm not hurting someone on purpose.
Diego
This article marks two years of my on and off columns, thoughts, and ravings.
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