FLAWS

No one's perfect.

If people were perfect, we would be gods. In relationships however people put their significant others on pedestals. It was only when the years go by that people get to know their significant others. They see their flaws.

"Ah!" I yelled.

Over the last several weeks, I have had all kinds of physical pain. Today it was only just my tooth. It hurt like hell. I texted Kos about it, and he worried that if I did not take care of it soon, it could be costly.

As is, it was not like I had dental...not to mention big bucks. Naturally, I lightly argued over it since the only people I knew with money were far away...and I was as stubborn as a mule. We agreed to disagree and that was that.

As I texted James for his wisdom on this, I thought about Kos. We appeared to be giving it a go. We texted again. we gave each other expansive phone calls...some of which were naughty. When either of us doesn't email, the other one asked about it.

I had a phrase for that: a couple without being a couple.

I was...in hindsight...pleasantly surprised he cared so much. Lately, we seem to have reached a plateau. I saw old traces of Kos. I fell in love with....and I liked it. He was finally getting the space he said he was not getting. We were pretty balanced right now.

I couldn't help but wonder...could I see past his flaws? If we could get back together, would we?

A TASTE OF THE NEW

My phone vibrated. I frowned. I was at Hotel s working. It was thirty minutes before I got off work.

My phone continued to vibrate. That meant it was not a text. It was a phone. I wondered who would be calling at this time. My sister? Cor? Glenn?

I pulled out my phone and looked. My eyes narrowed. Then...I put it back in my pocket...and continued with my paperwork.

My thought? Well, at least it wasn't 1:30 or 2 in the morning. That appeared to be the Puerto Rican's M.O.

Months ago, I hooked up with the Puerto Rican. I had made it clear to him that I decided to work things out with Kos. My fatal mistake? I agreed to want to be 'just friends.'

Any gay men with a brain knew that if a guy called you late at night...and you have hooked up with them and not know them long...that chances are they called for one reason. And that reason was not to have a friendly chat. To me, I saw the Puerto Rican's calls as a sign of disrespect.

"What's up, dude?"

I looked up. It was Barsuk. I was surprised.

"What are you doing still up?" I asked.

"Thirsty," Barsuk said. "I need change."

After I got Barsuk change was when he asked.

"So what's up with you and that Violinist?"

I looked at him like he just said I was under arrest.

"Nothing I want to talk about," I replied coldly.

Most people would let the topic. Barsuk isn't most people.

"What he do to you?" Barsuk asked.

Hmmm...I thought. Exist?

"Did he fuck--"

"NOTHING I want to talk about," I snapped.

Then...Barsuk let it drop, running off to get his soda. I crossed my arms over my chest. My thoughts turned to Violinist Guy.

I really haven't talked to Violinist Guy in weeks. And the main reason for that...simply he lied about certain dealings with this Russian bum that he knew I seriously did not like. A Russian bum who would rather sell himself on the street rather than get real help...and leeched onto people like a parasite. After making a big show of telling me how much he was tired of it, imagine my surprise to hear from everyone, but Violinist guy that that Russian bum was smelling around him on my off days. The new haircut (Russian bum apparently can do gay haircut. Big surprise. *sarcasm*) was a dead giveaway. The fact he could pick a piece of trash over a reliable friend like me (see journal entry for my friendship issues) was just too much. It was disgusting.

"You gonna be okay?" Barsuk asked.

"Yeah," I managed. "I'm good."

If it was not one thing, it was another. Two things that I did not like was co-dependency and lying. And San Diegoan gays appeared to be either. to find a good man with a good head on his shoulders. I wondered if it was even possible.

Or were the answers...in my past?

My phone vibrated again.

Apparently, the answers weren't in my present.

A SLICE OF THE PAST

Kos and I broke up for several reasons. One of those reasons was the fact that we were not in the same town. Another reason was his inability to be there when, as a boyfriend, he was needed (such as my rape)....unusually self-absorbed for someone who wanted a boyfriend.

The final reason I thought we had broken up was the fact that our paths appeared to be going in two different directions. My life was headed to LA and working on a writing career. His path was apparently a path where he would be able to do business school whereever his program led him, becoming more materialistic.

I was shocked to hear that Kos left his program. I was pleasantly surprised that he started talking about his options. His options appeared to involved being whereever I was at. My mind went all over the place. Was Kos trying to make it work?

Over the next months or so, it appeared so. There would not be a day that didn't go by that did not include an email or a text. My cell phone would be blown up by Kos, just wanting to hear my voice.

Best of all, it was the Kos I used to. The Kos who I met on my doorstep. The Kos who had a heart. The Kos who had a goofy sense of humor and used it to deflate many of our arguments. This Kos was willing to explore things I liked, and I did the same for him. There was no trace of the insensitive, lying asshole that had suddenly burst onto the scene a year later, resulting in us breaking up.

I sat on my floor in nothing, but a pair of my favorite jeans. Outside, the sounds of the drunken Gaslamp people floated up to my open window, bringing a sense of Bourbon Street in New Orleans. The fan blew over my head. My mind was...silent as I saw. This was rare for me. I was content. The reason I was content was that things with me and Kos were good. They were not perfect...him was uncomfortable with my friends' motives; I was distrustful of one of Nashville friends who hit on him on first chat along with some shadiness...but there was a real give and take in our new relationship.

I sent a simple text. It was a question. What did Kos think we would be doing if we were in the same town at that moment?

I could already imagine his forehead in thought back in Russia. After a moment, he replied. He thought we would be either dining in a fine restaurant, having sex, or talking. It was pretty up in the air.

I texted back. All I really wanted to do was hold him from behind if he was in the same town as me. Maybe I would nozzle his right ear. I would definitely rub his dark hair. I...would enjoy his presence in silence.

After some idle chat, Kos and I went about our lives. I stared up at the ceiling, feeling a bit lonely, but overall happy. It appeared things were finally falling into place for us.

Little did I know, that would be the last time we were happy together.

SO?

I woke up happy enough. My last conversation with Kos in my head. I turned over, thinking about flaws away.

Then I remembered we had talked that morning. I happened to wake up around 4am and he had texted (yes, we are in sync like that). It was such a rare, but sweet, moment. And all he wanted to talk about was one of his new 'friend.'

I frowned. I found that kinda weird since he know very well what I thought of that. My subconscious kept picking on that. Was it trying to tell me something?

Later on found me typing. Kos had sent me a lot of emails. Since he really had not told me much about them, I knew one of them had to be have something in it that would bug me. sure enough, there it was in front of me.

'It is not as if we are dating anymore.'

I felt my eyes narrow. I took that two ways. Usually when he said that it's because 1)he did something he shouldn't be doing. And 2) most people who text, call, and email regularly who aren't friends are usually casual dating. Otherwise they would not waste that much time with each other. Obviously, Kos saw me as a waste of time. If I was, I wondered why did he beg me to be open to him.

As I typed to explain the concept of casual dating to Kos, I got a text. I looked to see that Kos wanted to chat. Good call, I thought. Maybe he could explain in better terms what's going through his head.

Little did I know the bombshell waiting for me in the chat room.

Kos was moving to Nashville, Tennessee. not any time soon, of course he said. But when he got back that's where he was heading.

'I don't want to live in San Diego.' 'LA is too expansive.'

Could have fooled me since he sang a completely different tune not even a month and a half. HE brought up LA. HE wanted me to be open to him. Obviously, I wasn't talking to Kos...and Kos wanted to be with his 'friend.'

'Asshole.'

Yeah, I said it. Not joking.

It was obvious he had not factor me in at all in his moving plans.

'You could ask 'may I move in with you?' or 'you can visit.'

Said smugly, Kos's words brought out the bitch in me. No doubt. He had asked me months ago to move with him to New York. Gone was the sincerity that came along with that invite. Gone was the guy I've been talking to for over two weeks. Here was a guy who didn't want to live in the same town as his lover. Here was the guy who had popped out asking to have sex with a stranger when he found out a day ago his boyfriend had been raped. Here was the guy who was like most white gays: self-absorbed to the point of soulless.

I called him on his coldness. I said he could not keep treating me like a human yo yo. To which he replied:

'So?'

I looked at that. Did he just say that to me? Yes, I think he did. Without hesitation, I told him to fuck off and started to close down my profile. If his idea of a boyfriend now was a slave, there was not anything to say.

Kos kept bring back up the chat box. He kept ranting about how he wanted to dominate people, sounding like a madman. I closed down each box, my disappointment obvious.

In a few weeks, it would be a year ago since I last saw Kos. What stood out was the night before I saw him for the last time. It was the Omni Hotel. He cried in my arms. He did not want to go back to Russia. He was scared the desolated life would swallow him whole. He felt he didn't deserve love. He felt he would try to destroy anything that would make him happy since he felt he didn't deserve it. He cried most of the night. I listened, stroking his hair.

I shut down Gay.com. Almost a year later, he was right. I also expect to be proven right and find out his 'friend' isn't a friend at all and that he will get an STD. He will probably have been lying to me the whole time. And he obviously did not love me to put me through this again.

Again, Kos was right and he should be happy. He was afraid he would become a lying cheating asshole. He became one. Good for him! That should help him out in his decision to move to Nashville.

He effectively killed us with one word.

WHAT GOES AROUND...

I think all people do have flaws. Most relationships have them. The good ones knew this and took those flaws and approved on them so that the relationship survived. They became better people for the person they loved.

Unless someone in the relationship was uncomfortable with their sexuality. Or someone felt that they cared more for themselves than the person they loved, the anti-theses of love itself. Or someone had issues.

I was willing to change and had changed for my love. Kos simply would not...no doubt with some influence from 'friends.' But that would be way too easy to say.

Simply he was not in love. He must have been desperate. Love and relationships were hard work. He just was not mature enough, wanting the thrill.

Now I thought of Kos and just saw the thing I didn't want to see. He was one of those sexed-up twinks and clones in the scene who gave most gays a bad name. Lying. Cheating. Whorish.

Fine. May his flaws...keep his lonely (supposedly) lying heart happy.

I'm done.

Diego


 

Back to 2008