DRAWN

Back when I worked at the deli, I happened to have a love/hate relationship with a guy we'll named Brent. To this day I still remember what I thought of him. He was just learning how to cook in the back. Actually, he started on salads...and didn't know a thing.

What a loser, I thought.

He went on to become a general managed at one of the other stores. That was not before a series of events that resulted in a case of 'will-they/won't-they' among all of our co-workers. We always seem to appear to hate each other that maybe we protested too much.

Did I mention Brent was straight?

So what's the connection?

Every day, people are taught to love. They are taught to hate. But what happens when those ideals are criss-crossed? Why does that even happen? I think it would be an easy copout to say people are bi-sexual. How thought do you explain things like the various men who get married to a girl, but cheat with a man, or the fact I was almost raped by a straight man?

How is that possible? What is the draw?

JAPANESE HOLDen KNOCKen

When I first met Horoku, I thought he was quirky. He moved in jerks as if he was nervous. He stared at me through his small spectacle glasses, not sure of what to think of me. He did a short nod and headed to the lobby computer. I returned his nod and wondered who did he remind me of Then it hit me.

Barring his giant forehead, he was a shorter, more muscular version of Kos...with Brent mannerisms.

I frowned. "Hm?"

My mind made the connection. My mind saw the irony. Then my mind put it away.

One day, I rode on the bus. As it neared my work, I started to wonder what the day would bring. I wondered if tenants would be in a good mood. I even wondered how funny it would be if Horoku was at a lobby computer when I got there. I had not seen him in a while so it would be cute.

I punched in the code to the front door. I entered Hotel S. My jaw dropped.

There he was. Horoku sat at a computer typing away. He seem oblivious so I covered my surprise and clocked into work.

Over the next week or so, Horoku could always be expected to come down to get on a computer when I showed up for work and around the time I left. Usually he gave his nod, sat down in front of a computer in a T-shirt and some skimpy shorts, and typed away. I looked at him and wondered.

The first time I ever thought he might feel a draw to me was one day when I look at one of the monitors and the front desk. Horoku and several of his friends were part of some Japanese Self-Defense group. His close friend seem to get defensive whenever he saw Horoku anywhere near me. This day they had stormed off after Horoku gave me his nod.

I looked up at the monitor. They went to their rooms. A few moments later, Horoku came out of his room and headed to his friend's. The friend pushed him against the wall in a choke hold.

They were not violent. My eyes widened in surprise. It seem to evaporate into playfulness. Still, the image stuck in my mind for a little while.

The second thing that made me know that Horoku was drawn to me happened the same day. I sat behind the counter, doing nothing. He appeared from the right. He did his nod. I thought he was heading to a lobby computer.

Instead, he stopped. He came to the counter. He pulled out a bag of M and Ms, making a few grunts. I thought he couldn't open it so I opened it and handed it back to him.

Horoku shook his head. He took the bag and angled the opening for my hands. Then it hit me.

Horoku was asking if I wanted candy. Horoku wanted to give me candy.

All this time I thought he had not noticed me at all.

He noticed me the whole time.

THE KID WAITER

Regardless of the misadventures, one-night stands, and the drama that had surrounded my love life, there has always been one constant.

I don't fuck kids.

By kids, I mean I don't mess around with any guy under the age of 25. 9 times out of 10 they don't have the guts to mess with me. They are all style and no substance. All hype and no follow-through. I never have time for games since I'm a guy who knows what he wants. And all under-25s want to do is play games.

Another constant that followed me around was everyone's friend. It was a title I always winded up getting at work. Everyone told me their jobs.

"Diego."

I looked up from the register. It was only Tony.

"Tony," I reply.

Tony...was a high school senior. He had been working at the Restaurant for a while now. Maybe it was my youthful Gemini vibe. Maybe it was (as Ben threw out one day) Tony's Aquarius trait of feeling people's moods. Whatever the reason, we hanged around each other at work.

One day, I was stressed out at work. Too many obnoxious customers for my taste.

"Diego."

I turned. It was just Tony.

"Tony," I said.

"What's going on?" Tony asked.

"Annoyed," I said. Then I explained how customers had been acting. I closed off my complaints with. "God, I could use a masseuse right now."

"I could help you with that."

I turned. I frowned. "Uh...joking...but thanks."

And I believe that was when the vibe changed. There were a few times I caught him watching me. There were a few times I had to stare him down. There were a few times he offered me a ride in his girlfriend's car. There were the accidental bumps into each other that didn't feel accidental. All fine and good except 1) I am with Kos, 2)even if I wasn't with Kos, Tony's straight, and 3) Tony's 18.

And as I mentioned above, I don't fuck kids.

And yet...we clicked. I seem to bring out a playfulness in him that not even girls at work could. He really seem to value my opinion and partying ways. Still...Tony's straight. I'm gay.

So what's going on here?

MASCULINE/FEMININE ATTRACTION

There is a theory I have. I believe in it completely. It goes something like this: Everyone...and I do mean everyone...has masculine and feminine traits.

Because of that fact, I always laughed at the personal ads I read on Arkansas Personals asking for a masculine/str8 acting men. For one, masculine suggested the ad maker was looking for a guy who acted like a guy, ignoring the fact that the man in question would be used in a position associated with a female. And since that is the face he could fuck anybody...which the ad basically says he did anyway. OR the ad maker will put himself in the position of getting something up his butt...again a female position. Who is he to be picky? Gay sex is gay sex and should it matter how you get off if the person getting you off knows what he's doing to get you off?

For two, 'str8 acting' was a phrase used to describe gay men who act heterosexual. I'm sorry, but I have never seen 'str8 acting' from a gay man. The ones who think they are...I found laughable. How they move (like a woman), how they talk (like a woman), and how they dress (like a gay man, which is a signal to let people know they're gay...and goes against the point they are making...that they are straight) pointed to the fact they are not any more masculine than the guys they claim to be looking for.

For what I've found the ad maker looking for a 'masculine man' is himself a queeny guy. Since masculine men are looking (supposedly) for other masculine men, doesn't that defeat the purpose? Add on the fact that we all have masculine and feminine qualities in us, the answer is yes.

And those masculine and feminine qualities are always trying to connect. They try to connect in people because all humans have a need to connect. So even though a guy can be straight with a gay friend, that need to connect is still there. Usually it is the straight guy with the masculine vibe and the gay guy with the feminine feel. And society has always taught the straight guys to be attracted to that feminine accept.

And thus...we have the draw.

AND THEN...HATRED.

In a perfect world, we would be like the Ancient Greeks. They had no problem messing with men and women to get their pleasure. And goodness knows most men are horny as hell. So that problem would be solved since there are many gay men (from what I've seen online) who would have no problem helping the many straight guys get their rocks off.

Sadly, society has taught most guys that it was wrong to do things like that. As a result, we have guys lying to girls, guys getting attacked for giving some horny guys what they wanted, and...especially in my case...guys getting attacked for showing anything resembling a feminine quality by a guy...who to all appearance...had masculine traits. He saw gay...and immediately thought feminine traits.

And like I said...he was drawn.

And I...was a victim of society's hatred.

Diego



 

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