ALL OVER AGAIN

It's been said that when you are not looking for someone is exactly when someone will find you. Then there is the flirtation, the hooking up, and the supposed 'happily even after.' You are completely happy.

And then there's counter point for the rest of us. I believe Sarah Jessica Parker's character on SEX AND THE CITY said it best in her episode about the breakup rules. When you are not thinking about the guy who broke your heart is exactly when he will show up. All the fun you were having will leave the room. You get reminded of the might-have-beens, the actual events, and the actual reactions to seeing that guy with someone not you.

Since the last time I wrote a column (before the early Oasis server crash in early 2003), I had managed to find myself. I had a job at McAlister's Deli that I loved. I lost a friend whom death made me see life from a whole different perspective. That perspective resulted in a more focused attention on my writing career. I moved into an expansive (but safe) apartment. I started up new friendships. Rob (who readers will remember from my last few Oasis columns) and I had an endpass so I attempted to move on. So I met a guy who wants me, but doesn't, attempted something with a friend who was my perfect physical type (and watched our friendship crash and burn), and had sex with many other men.

So with so much going on, a few old readers emailed me...why I didn't write columns anymore. I honestly missed writing them, but I was on the fence about it. Did I really want to put myself out there again with my strengths and flaws? Why should I? Did it do me any good now that my life had drive? Did I have anything left to say?

And Saturday night, a higher being decided to give me a sign.

As usual I was on the fence. Did I want to go out tonight? I knew that there was a techno night at the club. I knew if I went, I was going alone since my partner-in-crime Derek was at the lake. I knew I would be at the club sober (a foreign concept to me and everyone at the club that know me).

So I went. *s* It started off slow. Then it got weird. Just about everyone I've slept with/dated in the last two months made an appearance, something that never happens. I was also unusually bored. The DJ I went to see...I just wasn't feeling it. And the vibe in the room...just wasn't that fun rave vibe I'm used to.

Then Jack showed up. He's this Oriental guy I met a few weeks ago through Derek. I thought he was cool. He thought I was cute. We hit it off nicely, and I got his number. I've been too busy to call it though.

The last time I've seen Jack, he was very reserved. Tonight, he was on fire. He was in the mood to have fun and he wanted everyone to have fun. And I was leaning against a wall, nodding my head. He kept egging me on to dance (since I can throw down with the best of them). Eventually, he got me on the dance floor.

More people, some water, and a sip of a drink later, I was having the time of my life. The club was jumping. Jack was flirting (with someone not me). I was jumping to a cool remix of Madonna's 'Hollywood.' Then I spun around and opened my eyes.

Dancing two guys over was Mr. Aries (which will be his name for here on out), the guy who is the perfect physical type I mentioned earlier. It had been two weeks since we altered our friendship to the point I've not sure what it is. I worried that he had been avoiding me since all of a sudden, he stopped clubbing...our 'friendship' completely in question. Now here he was dancing with some older guy, staring at me while I stared at him. Smoke from the smoke machine shot out blocking us from each other.

And when the smoke cleared, he was dancing sexier and more provocative. Then he kissed the older guy right there in front of me. And given the fact that his actions changed on looking at me of course I was seriously pissed. The fun in me just fell out. Meanwhile, he danced with other people.

Not one to not say hi to someone not me, I saw red at the fact he wasn't (or wouldn't) dance with me. I knew no matter how I feel about them, I walked up to him and said hi. I saw the "I'm-sooo-drunk" look in his eyes that I wear so well on weekends and flinched when he decided to hug me and let the hug linger. Then he made a run for it, completely ignoring me.

Over the last week, I wondered if I was over Mr. Aries. His icy yet wishy-washy demeanor had frustrated me since the last two guys I was interested in were at least wishy-washy (not icy). The night before I had fun and flirted so I thought I was over him. I felt confident.

That night I knew the truth as I left early (another foreign concept to me). The reason? If I stayed I would have punched Mr. Older Guy and lashed out at Mr. Aries and gotten kicked out which meant no more fun for me. The reason I would have did this is because i'm not over Mr. Aries. Like Carrie to Mr. Big, I go from confident, suave guy to insecure basketcase whenever he is around me.

And this was no different. After two phone calls (one to my best friend M and my friend James), I was devastated on the side of the street. How could he do that when he saw me? It wasn't too long ago that Mr. Aries got jealous when anyone talked to me at his work (he's a bartender). It wasn't that long ago that he was jealous of my friendship with Derek and asked if the two of us were dating. What the hell was that show about? To get my goat? Well, it worked. To prove he was his own man? I got that a long time ago. To make me cry? Okay, didn't get that...but I was very close.

I managed to get home, but he was outside when I got there. He had taken another way there to avoid me and parked his car at the next door neighbor (who's a friend of his) and headed out with said neighbor. Not a word spoken.

In that moment, I knew three things. One...that I hated his guts...meaning I really did care about him. Two...I didn't even recognize myself at all and I didn't have it together if anyone could hurt me like Mr. Aries did. Three...that I wished I still wrote my column.

In times past, my column had always helped. I realized what I really felt about things like my sexuality, life, my relationships to others, my point of view on things. It helped me realized that there were other gay guys out there just as isolated as I was or felt the way I felt. With my column, I felt less alone and hopefully I helped someone. Most of all, I helped myself become a stronger person. It helped me realized who I am.

And isn't that what we all want? To know who we are. To know what our purpose is. What our path will be.

I've always marched to a different drummer. Everyone knows it. For that reason, I know I have more to say. Hopefully, by my way and being completely honest, I am helping some other gay guy find his way.

Will I find myself? Will I get over Mr. Aries and stay friends or are we destined for a really twisted relationship? Will I help anyone? Or will I be like Carrie Bradshaw and just write somewhat witty columns about my sex life?

I guess time will tell.

Diego (who reintroduces himself to the world of sex, city living, comments, and fun)


 

Back to 2003