FOR WANT OF THE CHILDREN...
I was bored. With nothing whatsoever planned, I logged onto gay.com. My mind pondered who I would run into tonight as I headed to one of my frequent chat rooms.
And...I walked into a chat involving a 19 year old complaining about how all gay men suck. Not exactly unusual. What was unusual was that no one in the room was very sympathetic to the poor kid. In fact, they appeared to get off on attacking the kid. And the kid was part on the offense.
Then he said it.
"Are all gay men rude?"
Something clicked for me. The kid's rant made me think of another time, another place. It was another place. It was another place where another 19 year old had ranted about the same thing...a decade ago.
Yep. 19 Year Old Me.
The more things change....
GAMEFUL PLAY
Another comment that had stood out for me was the fact the old timers told the kid wait. The older the kid got, the more jaded he would become. I thought about that comment and frowned.
However...I could not argue with their logic. From the first love of Matt to my drama with Christian, Rob, Mr. Aries, and John to my situation with Kos and Frenchman it was not too much of a shock that I was not the idealistic romantic I was when I was 19. How could one go through so many men as I had...and been disappointed when it didn't work out...and not be jaded?
"Well...if you really want some fun..."
I looked down at the napkin with the bartender's number on it. I've been having quite the fun time at the bar. It was so Old School Me aka Diego the Makeout Slut.
"...call me," the bartender finished.
I said sure. Then I stumbled out the door. The number became so forgotten.
It was a fun night. Fun!!!
Why ruin it by trying to get to know each other? Then someone would get slighted? Or maybe this was the new person who I would fall for who would only rip my heart out? OR why lead someone if I was still not over Frenchman?
And while I did put the number in my phone, I had no urge to call. Even when I saw the bartender in public after one of my workouts, I still did not. He smiled nice, but who knew what was behind that smile.
Some people would say I was playing games. Heck, sometimes I wondered if I was. Other people? Would understand I was protecting my heart.
But would it ever open? Could I go back? Be as open as that 19 year old?
GAMES OF THE LOTTIES
Every day.
Every day I woke up, headed to work, and went home. Usually, I made some gym time. Also usually I cannot help but run into gay people.
Never really alone. Always with...if I am lucky...one other person. usually they were in packs of twos and threes...laughing like hyenas. And that would be fine if most did not sound so vapid.
Just looking at them made me wonder like 19 Year Old...were all gay men rude?
"I paid for his room."
"Wha?" fell out of my mouth.
It was time for Greek God to move out of Hotel S. I was sad to see him go...but he had to stay an extra day. Our policy was that he would be charged for that last day. However, he had put all of his money into the new place.
But my co-worker Joel had paid for the one day. He did not have to. Yet...he did. And given that he had no reason to be nice to this stranger I could only think one thing:
Wow.
But Joel had always been that. Given all that he's been through in his young gay life, he still had a stiff upper lip and smiles about everything. Except for a brief sad moment over a gay queen, he was a good man.
So...no, 19 Year Old...not all gay men are rude.
NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK
Still...what would one tell a 19 year old when you have more experience than he does?
I...really don't know.
Since I was 19, I had been all over Arkansas. Since I was that young, I had been in San Diego for going on four years. I found it telling that it was going on four years that I have never been in a relationship. Sex...yes. Drama...of course. But an actual relationship...nah.
If the 19 year old could not find someone...and he's white which the gay community is all about here...what are my chances? And how could I tell him to give it time when even I don't believe I was going to find anyone?
When I was 19 year old, I had so much hope like that. I would get the job and the man. Even when things fell apart, I had hope that there would be another relationship.
But I am not optimistic 19 anymore.
I'm not even a happy 30.
I have no more for anyone. Especially myself.
Diego
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