ALONE...AND MISERABLE?

Why are all the good ones taken?

That could be my theme song actually. In the almost three years I've been here in San Diego, I have had a few crushes. They could hold an actual conversation, were average to drop dead gorgeous, and didn't appear to be the clingy type. And all of the rushes were taken. And if they were single, they weren't single for long.

Story of my life.

I scratched that. Since I came to terms with being gay. I was used to one thing. There were long period of times where I was alone. If you are well-adjusted gay, that was good. I was bipolar so the loneliness was acutely isolating to the point of pain.

So the story of my life was that I was almost always alone. With the latest round of Kos messing up over, I found myself alone again.

But did being alone really mean I was miserable?

OPTION LIMITED

Naturally after a bad relationship, a person eventually got to a point where they start to ponder what they are looking for. That way said person isn't blindsided or leading anyone on.

I opened admitted to myself that I was fed up with the Kos drama. However, a frown usually cropped onto my face when I pondered my next move. What did I want?

That question usually led to more. Did I want someone? Did I even want a relationship? Did I just want to be alone? Did I just want sex?

"Hey...did you wanta hit the deli?"

I looked up from my computer screen. It was Crossdresser Guy. I shook my head.

"No," I said.

He started to protest, but I shut him up real quick. When I got off work at Hotel S, my mind was on one thing: going home and being alone. Every day I had to deal with people. Whining people. Bitching people. Stupid people. I actually love being alone on my off days now, with very minimal people interaction. That had annoyed a lot of my friends, but sadly that was just how I felt. I had grown very un-people friendly.

"When I had time," I told Crossdresser Guy, "I would. I had stuff to do on my off days and quite frankly, I don't have time."

Thankfully, a tenant came up with one of their endless questions. Crossdresser Guy went to hang on a computer. I was left alone.

It made me wonder...if I was to go after someone...where would I start? I mean...did I even have options? I had not forgotten the sad truth of me being a gay black man who was attracted to gay white men for the most part. And most of those men...didn't like gay blacks, treating them like a second class.

So...what to do?

VISITS

There was a 41 year old in Texas who wanted to be my bottom.

Again, if I had to say anything it would be that that was the story of my life. I never found anyone in the town I was in getting hit on by the ones I wasn't interested in. Meanwhile, I had nice conversations with people in Texas or Russia or Australia. Nowhere where I lived and they would want me after talking to me.

Such was the sum total of my experiences on Gay.com. After my blowup with Kos, I felt empty, pain at the center of my being. I needed hope. I needed to feel that maybe I would find someone someday. So I surfed the chat rooms.

That was fun. I found people who love whiskey as much as I did. I found guys who weren't being bitches. I gave tips to two different gay men where to go in San Diego on Saturday night. I even listened to a gay Asian explore why he loves bars over clubs now.

I even paid a visit to Oasis. It was there that I found out about an article. The article wondered whether Manhunt.net was ruining gay culture.

I scanned the article. I found it interesting...if a bit sad. Naturally, I had to go back and read it when I got time.

And the time came a week and a half later. I had managed to print out a copy. Then I attacked the article when I had time, finishing it climaxing on the bus on my way to work.

The article suggested that while Manhunt did allow gays in rural towns to communicate with like mind as well as online cruising, Manhunt also took away the gay men's ability to socialize with people in a meaningful way and caused gay men to objective themselves into sexual beings who were so busy trying to get laid as much as possible they weren't looking for a relationship.

Mr. Right Now over Mr. Right.

And if gay men are no longer looking for that, what hope did I have?

I was a guy behind the times. Back when I visited the chat rooms regularly things were different. In chat rooms, a person could make friends and they were just that. Friends. I made several friends in one chat room. I had a long distance relationship with a Russian back then as well. And not once did people ask about a pic or a nude image like appeared to be the case now.

Back then...almost a decade go...the chat rooms I frequented were about three things. One was that gay people were actually looking for friends, not booty calls. Two was gay people were actually looking for relationships, not one night stand. Lastly, we all hoped that a role model from the older generation would appear, giving hope that that was not only possible, but it would last.

The more visits I did online today, the more I saw...sex...there were ads for seeing nude people. manhunt apparently now let members 'perform' on camera as if they were porn stars. It was now not uncommon for a person to send a nude pic of themselves AND a picture of their penis...both signs of them wanting sex with you. Even I was not so naive when I heard about Kos's 'friend' because I asked him if he had seen either.

Time had changed. And while I loved sex as much as everyone else, I wondered did anyone want some form of a connection? It appears not.

RAY OF UNLIGHT

Barsuk had been in Serbia for a month. Before he left, he was very determined that we should go to the ominsexual club Universal. So...we did.

It was a night of drunken debauchery. The drinks flowed. The blond mohawked bartender whipped most of them up. The girls eyed Barsuk. I danced, whipping off my jacket to reveal a toned body that the guys in a tizzy.

And I felt good.

Even though the night sadly went downhill later on, I could not deny that I was in my element. I was watching and being watched. Even with my glasses, guys looked at me with desire and fun in their hearts. For once, I was the fun loving guy I was back when Glenn and I would hit the Little Rock gay clubs.

I was alone. I was not miserable. I did not have a care in the world.

"So this Thursday...we going out?"

I looked up from the front desk. Barsuk looked down at me. He studied my face to see if a yes or no would come froth.

"Well," I said, "I haven't said no yet."

Not a year. But not a no. Whether being alone = miserable, I don't know. I did know...time would tell.

Diego


 

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