THE AD

I sat back in the chair and breathed.

I was at James's house at the moment. He had a computer that he said I could use at any time to do homework or just write. Tonight I was fighting through DARKENED SOUL, my novel. For two hours, I typed away at the keys on the final section of it. Now, two chapters were typed up.

I decided to check my email. I saw a new update under Yahoo Personals. Then it got me thinking so I decided to do an experiment. I kept widening the mile radius on the Personals, getting as far from Little Rock as I could.

It was a very interesting experiment...to be talked about later. This night something caught my eye. An ad caught my attention. It had a pic of a dark-haired guy. His ad talked about many things, but the one thing that stuck out...was his need to romance someone...to make love...to lay them on a bed of roses. In other words, he sounded like he was actually interested in...oh my god...dating.

I stared at his pic. He looked nice. He looked innocent. I stared and thought about how the guys here were going to screw him over...making him a jaded, bitter queen.

Then I went to sleep.

A DEBATE

'Did you talk to him?' My friend Ken asked.

'No,' I answered.

'Why?' he asked.

'Well...the idea...of being his first...well...it scares me.'

'Isn't it better for you to be with him even though you're scared to hurt him than for him to be screwed over by one of the many clones itching to...turning him into someone as bitter as they are?'

I said nothing as I listened to Ken on the phone. It made me think of so many things. I remembered my first guy. I was in love with him and full of idealistic thoughts. He just wanted sex, but never told me. I was led around by the nose by him Freshman year only to be embarrassed later, hurt, and bitter. How many times have I gone after a guy to see him go out of his way to hurt my heart....only to see that idealistic side of me crumble and die?

'So what?' I finally said. 'You want me to...take him under my wing.'

'Better you than them,' Ken replied from his side of the phone.

'And that's the problem,' I exclaimed. 'Where are the older gay guys we're suppose to look up to? What is this kid going to see?'

What, indeed. Most old gay guys here are disgusting, ugly trolls who prey on new gay boys. There was no one who would actually be his friend. It would be more like people getting to the virgin first.

'Maybe we can help him out?' Ken suggested. 'Are you going to?'

I did not know. I did not think I had any pearls of wisdom. I was not saintly. I also worried if this kid thought I was some nut.

I let the conversation drop to other topics. The ad still was on my mind. Me as a role model was an idea that baffled me.

A THOUGHT

I moved past the emails in my various email addresses. Several friends were trying to get caught up with me. I got to the writers account to get the latest in the writing community. I checked on my ignored gay email address.

The latest in Personals (sent to me weekly) listed the kid again. For a moment, I thought about replying. Instead, I exited the account.

Is this what older gay men do when confronted with a newbie? They see a pic or message. They debate over helping him. Then they act or ignore.

Sophomore year I was learning to be gay and around gay people. I went to my first club and had my first gay friend in Paul. I tested the dating waters. It was good to have someone to finally talk to about those things.

What if this kid needed a friend or someone to show him the lay of the land or someone to let him know he's not alone?

I wished there was someone I could turn to about this. Most gay people care about where their tool will be at that day and various sexual groupings. They are apathetic to the newbie.

As I moved over to my webpage, thoughts of this kind fell out of my mind. I edited away at the page. Like my gay brethren, I was also apathetic.

A DECISION

My adventures with ads are pretty much the same as my adventures with dating. Nothing is as it seems and I get hurt and wonder why.

As a result, I closed off. I expected someone wanting to be 'friends' really wanted sex. I expected a guy who wants a relationship to really want sex. If a guy called me cute, he was trying to get into my pants. After sex, I expected to never hear from this guy again. He would see me in public, but act like he does not know me...until he needed sex.

No attachment at all. While straight couples get the romantic gestures, I would get lame excuses. So I stopped expecting more than sex. I stopped hoping for happiness with a guy.

I do not want to see this nice sounding boy go through this crushing of dreams like I did.

I stared at the computer screen. My eyes look for the ad.

I do not find the ad.

So I wonder if the guy is okay. And I hope that wherever he went, he will make it thorough the gay Little Rock community unscarred.

Diego (protector of newbies)


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