-+ August 26 2003 {12:00 a.m.} +-
[mood| angry]*slaps forehead* geez, it only the third day of school and im already pissed off. >:/ Can't let it get to me...can't let it get to me. At least I know i have one true friend, although shes threatened me with bodily harm if i continue doing something harmful that I will not name. <_<;; Oh well, what are friends for? *nervous laugh*
-+ August 19 2003 {12:30 a.m.} +-
[mood| awake]You hide it all behind a smile,
It seems alright for a little while.
But then it all seems to come apart,
Sets you back at the very start.
What you do sets you apart,
Your pain and hunger arent for naught.
I will find what I have sought.
Little poem out of the blue from me...but can you deceipher it's meaning? *smiles*
-+ August 8 2003 {2:30 a.m.} +-
[mood| im ooook ^_^]Ive been bruising really easy lately and I made the mistake of telling my mom of my new bruises. Then she goes off and starts asking me about how much ive been eating and telling me how many calories I need perday and shit like that. I cant wait to get back to school, so she wont be all worried about my eating habits.
She bought me some new tv dinners that have 300 cals...and then shes like "theyre not gonna kill you!" Umm...300 cals is WAY too much for a meal...
-+ August 8 2003 {12:30 a.m.} +-
[mood| slightly accomplished]Not too much to say, went out and had fun with some friends from my hometown yesterday...went and saw Freaky Friday ^^. Hehe, it was so cute! Gonna have to see it again cause my mom wants to see it too.
Today was fairly boring...had lunch then did some b/p *dances* ^^;;; For some reason I had this urge to dig out this old pair of denim capris ive never worn (cause they were always too small). Well i tried them on and they were TOO BIG! I was sooo happy! Cant stop now...
-+ August 3 2003 {11:00 p.m.} +-
[mood| tired]Wee~ so tired. I slept till like 1pm today, suffering from what i called a "sun hangover". Lol...but im the only person who isnt sore. Not sunburt either ^__^.
I also have been finding more and more of my hair falling out when I take a shower nowadays. Thats a good sign to me, and this is even with taking Multivitamins...well, when I remember. Everytime I wash my hair I always have hair in my hands...the amout varies ^^;;. Anyways, I guess ill try to remember and take the vitamins even though it might make my hair stop falling out as much so I cant track it...>_<..*sigh*.
-+ August 1 2003 {1:00 a.m.} +-
[mood| tired]Just break me already...
You know you want to, its just so easy.
...oh wait...you already have.
-+ July 29 2003 {10:44 a.m.} +-
[mood| okie dokie]Yay! I've finally gotten a code to make my own Live Journal!!!. Hehe, im so happy. But im still going to keep it separate from this one...well mostly because of privacy reasons. There are alot of things and a major subject on my LJ that i dont want everyone to know about. Therefore I will only be sharing its address with a few select people. This isnt about being mean or anything, its about keeping things private that need to be private ^_~. And i will still be updating and maintaining this blogger. Well unless i just get tired of it...*laughs*
-+ July 25 2003 {1:00 a.m.} +-
[mood| sad and angry]Sometimes ppl you care about hurt you. So the only thing you do is lash back out. I dont know how to deal with some types of ppl. I try to play along and understand...but I never get any closer. Why do I even try? But ive come this far to give up. Its three steps forward and then getting pushed four back. All i want to do is care, but somehow apathy is slowly taking over. And the ppl i want to care about the most are the ones that wont let me in. Life's not worth living like this, is it? Isnt there something more? Its easy to break someone who is fragile like glass...do you like the shattering sound, happening over and over again?! Do you care?! Every hurtful sound from you breaks me little by little. Pretty soon I'll just dissapear. ...and mabey thats ok. Get over it, nothing is fair.
-+ July 23 2003 {1:00 a.m.} +-
[mood| restless]Today was good...got to hang out with a friend all morning, then come back to clean house *woohoo*. Had some lishy Chinese food for lunch...although i prolly shouldnt have. >_<. I know im not going to sleep tonight..since i took a 4 hr nap this evening. Oyyee... Man i need to get my hands on some special pills, im not going to name them cause ppl i know may actually read this thing. I dont care if theyre dangerous, im willing to risk my life. Never meant much to me in the first place. *sigh*...slightly depressed tonight i guess. Im so confused, and im not sure how i feel anymore, about anything. I know there are ppl who care, and they mean alot to me. After all, therye all i have. But i dont think they know that... T__T
-+ July 20 2003 {1:20 a.m.} +-
[mood| tired]Uuugh, im tired. Just got in from work a lil while ago and figured id jot a lil down here. Hehe, i got to scarf down on watermelon (like i have been doing for the past few weeks). The lil girl doing salad bar was all bitchy about me eating ALL the backups...but i did eat all the back up. They had a whole nother half of a melon in the fridge tho!! ^////^ Anyways, I finally beat .hack//infection this afternoon, so now i gotta go get the next game >o<. Well its late...not much else going on. Never did get that call back from Staples *cries*....on well, gotta keep on trying ^_^.
-+ July 16 2003 {9:p.m.} +-
[mood| uneasy]The highlight of my week so far has prolly been getting .hack//INFECTION. I still havent gotten that call for my second interview at Staples...but im still hopeful >_<, the weeks not over yet. Arrgh i would have gone running tonight but the weather was kinda rainy. And I also ate too much today (or normally for the normal ones out there :P). I wanted to purge so badly, and i could have...no one was home. But I was a pussy and didnt feel like it *rolls eyes* *sigh*. I've got to get all my thoughts together and figure out what it is a want and need to do. Theres some "extra baggage" that i need to dispose of (and i dont just mean the stuff on my waist >o<). I tried...I really did. Its pissing me off and driving me fucking crazy. Right now im kinda regretting alot of the things that I let happen. It doesnt mean that those bad things didnt bring some good things along with them...but i fear that my sanity is at stake here. Or at least my self respect, which I was low on to begin with X'D...
I just can't bring myself to do what i need to do...im party scared and partly apathetic. And the apathy scares me because thats just what im trying to get away from...>_<. Lately ive realized that ive become more and more apathetic. My particular bad habits only help numb the pain, but I've started to wake up. Its funny though, the pain always feels better when youre empty...*laughs*
-+ July 15 2003 {12.00 a.m.} +-
[mood| happy]Today was nice, got to wake up late and pretty much just hung around. I got the rest of my A-kon film...so i'll be putting up a gallery soon. I felt like such a lazy ass that even though i was tired i decided to drive into town and go run in the park. It was fun! Lots of people were there too, i think im going to try and go every evening. I even went and played on the swingset for a lil while after i had finished jogging ^_^. And after that i stopped by Walmart and got my dot hack game outta layaway!!! W007! Im gonna play it tonight as soon as i get a chance ^_~.
-+ July 8 2003 {10:00 p.m.} +-
[mood| fat >o<]Hmm...almost the middle of July...damn i cant wait till school starts again. Im so fucking tired of being at home >_<. Cept for not having to pay for stuff, lol. Uugh, ive lost almost 10 lbs over the summer, but today i just feel...fat, surely almost every woman out there can relate to these kind of days *laughs* Since my mom flushed all my diet pills last weekend and im too broke to buy more right now i went out today and bought me some Guarana pills. I dunno if they will work as well, but im desperate. Oh well...
Yay, i do have something to be happy about though! Tomorrow i have a job interview at Staples. *crosses fingers* its not a sure thing of course...but id love to have a job there. Its in town...and its NOT food!!! Ack! i gotta get my outfit together tonight!!! *pulls hair* i at least gotta look nice for it....or as nice as possible for me *groans*
-+ July 6 2003 {10:00 p.m.} +-
[mood| melancholy]My 4th of July was...er...ok...hehe. Went and saw a local fireworks show with my best friend and her family, then came back and got extremely drunk on vodka and schnopps. As usual my stupid half drunken self decided to get online and chat it up...not a good idea as i have learned before. But when had I ever learned from my mistakes? ^_^;;;. Hmm, and now i have no diet pills becasue my mom read the last of my drunken convo with someone, so she got scared and flushed them. Oh well, i'll manage till then. *smiles*
-+ June 23 2003 {11:30 p.m.} +-
[mood| blah]I dont know if i should even bother writing down my food intake today...I wouldnt have done too bad if it wasnt for my fucking sweet tooth and those four cookies. Anyways, I'm bored, im almost broke and im prolly not going to sleep tonight. T_T, I was feeling so weak yesterday that i woke up and noon and then went back to bed from 2 to 5:30. Totally messed up my sleeping pattern. Oh well, i can always try and do better tomorrow...and throw out the fucking cookie dough.
-+ June 22 2003 {2:00 a.m.} +-
[mood| confused]Stolen from : awake & dreaming
I AM NOT: confident
I WAS: lonely
I WAS NEVER: good at understanding people.
I WILL BE: a good friend.
I WILL: understand myself and life.
I WILL NOT: take precious things for granted.
I LIKE: being with friends, laughing, drinking, my computer.
I LOVE: when someone understands me.
I DISLIKE: people who try to bring others down.
I HATE: my body and myself at times.
I WANT: to find out what i really want in life and to achieve it. I want to live in Japan, i want to be a published writer, I want to lose weight, I want respect and i want love. I want control in the one area i know i can achieve it...my body.
I NEED: more emotional needs than physical.
I DON'T WANT: to be unhappy any longer. I dont want to be the person i was in highschool and I dont want anything to ruin the relationship i have with my friends.
I SHOULDN'T: smoke.
I'D LIKE TO HAVE: independence, a BF that doesnt take me for granted (for once).
I'D LIKE TO OWN: a car.
I LISTEN: sometimes, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other.
I EAT: as little as possible.
I DRINK: water, diet sodas (sometimes) liquor (sometimes).
I SMOKE: Camels Menthol lights.
I DRESS: normally, mostly in t-shirts and shorts.
I LAUGH: Not too much, but at the right times or when im nervous.
I CRY: when I'm frustrated, mostly. or hurt, or sad.
I DREAM: about lots of things, lately about ppl i know.
I FEEL: melancholy.
I MAKE: myself sick when i look into the mirror most days.
I SAY: Not enough.
I WISH I COULD: find myself.
I WISH I WAS: thin, attractive, smarter, better at math.
I WISH I WASN'T: so lazy sometimes and so easily distracted.
I WISH I KNEW: what people were thinking, while talking to them.
*sigh* >_<...
-+ June 20 2003 {2:20 p.m.} +-
[mood| amused]Doo de doo, just hanging out at home until i have to go to work at 5 pm >_<. Talking to ppl online...and....er...have you ever heard someone describe someone else's eyes as "BWAAHHHHH!"? Well, neither have i until now. >o<. Misa-chan...you crack me up! Oye...I also had a good dream about someone and then i was all happy and stuff till i woke up and realized it was just a dream T_T *rests chin on palm of hand*. I just dont know whats going to happen. I think i know how i feel about this person...but mabey its not good for us to be anything but friends. Some may know what im talking about, others dont have fucking clue..and thats ok cause im just ranting. Ranting is about all i can do right now.
There have been good things to come from bad choices i've made. I told someone a while back that i didnt regret what had happened. I no longer have the same feelings for this person, but I learned from my mistakes...as everyone does. *sigh* I am seeing things clearer, but im still confused. And now my mom is bitching at me...for being on the computer, wanting to take ONE fucking day off next weekend to spend with my FRIENDS and telling me that im going to have to get a job in the fall to pay for car insurance (which isnt really a big deal though). Gahhhr...
-+ June 18 2003 {7:30 p.m.} +-
[mood| bored...as usual]Not much of a blogger update to day...mostly just wrote down my food journal entries. Still need to do better i think. Just a little better than yesterday, but not by much i believe. *shrugs* Luckily my cousins wiped out all those stupid sugar cookies that my mom bought yesterday...mwahahaha! ^o^ All i think i need is a lil more willpower...and perhaps some more diet pills! I was in Walmart the other day looking at them...and i was like, "well shit, everythings fucking ephedra free!" I know that stuffs dangerous...but does it look like i give a shit? I want the old metabolife back; i want my heart racing and pounding at all hours and my hands shaking and jittery. The stuff fucking works, and i dont want to waste my money on some new type that DOESNT. *takes a deep breath* right now im using that Results brand. Its ephedra-free and seems to work in curbing hunger...but doesnt help too much in the energy department. >o< but pretty soon i'lll be out of pills and with little money to buy more. I guess i'll just have to sort out whats important and whats not, hmmm what do you think will win? ^_^;;;
-+ June 17 2003 {6:00 p.m.} +-
[mood| bored]Well, finally getting around to making my blog a lil more...er...bigger. Hehe, while my main site Koikokoro.net is down, my blogger will live on at Angelfire. As soon as i get enough money to pay for my site again, it will be moved. *sigh* I just dont have enough to put into Paypal right now >_<. On another note, me and my lil cousins went fishing today...I caught lots of fishies..but mostly baby ones. I did get a big one, so its sitting in our deep freeze right now. Hopefully tonight or tomorrow night we will have a nice fish dinner =^_^=. And those two actually went into that nasty muddy water *gags*!! I swear my hands smelled like ass after touching that stink bait X'D! Oye...oh well, it was fun despite the smellyness.
-+ June 17 2003 {2:30 a.m.} +-
[mood| somewhat empty]Hiya...well, its taken me all fucking night, but ive finally managed to get my blogger started. I almost dont know what to say =^^=. *sigh* Been pretty lazy this summer...not doing too much of anything but hanging around the house and looking for a job. I'm really hopeful for a job at the local Taco Bueno...but im still waiting for a call *shrugs*. I've finally managed to get back on scheduel back at my current job (a dishwasher at a local steakhouse). On another note, i really like this new song that im listening to right now called Jenny Says. Anyways, i guess thats all for tonight...night night ppls ^_~
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