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C is for...candor
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Thursday, 14 July 2005
a moment
Mood:  special
tuesday i heard the 4 most beautiful words
& without hesitation i found myself saying these 4 beautiful words back

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:32 PM PDT
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Tuesday, 12 July 2005
quotes
Perfection comes when you use your mind as a mirror.
~Chuag-Tse


i haven't written quotes from my life for a while & i barely write about work so i will combine the two here...

friday we had a staff meeting..the first one i had been to...


andy: they paid us in full already so now we're just working off the job
bill: gee i wonder why they did that probably something tax related
jeff: maybe they just like us. not be so cynical, bill.
bill: but oh so true


jeff: i noticed connie has jumped onto the more technical side of the job now...it's great!
bill: (tells a story & goes on about how his co worker is an expert at autocad but still had much to learn) what i'm saying is you can spend your life in that program & still not fully understand it
*silence*
jeff: & here i thought we had given connie a nice boost & positive outlook & there bill goes & ruins it

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 9:51 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 14 July 2005 2:37 PM PDT
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Monday, 11 July 2005
another great weekend
i feel like i haven't updated this thing for a long time...or been online for that matter...or even checked my email...

anyways

it was another great weekend

i spent most of the week bike shopping after work with pierre

we kept falling in & out of love with different bikes

my first dilemma was my infatuation with a 2005 giant LCR3 it was "sage green" & it was $630

having come from hand me down & garage sale bikes that price was crazy to me...

sooo we moved on kinda...

tried out this specialized sirrus matte black...pretty nice...the frame fit me better butit was a flat bar road bike....& we were sure if we were gonna go offroad riding so i tried out a mountain bike...a rockhopper it was called...it felt good too they were both around $500

then friday at work i had mentally prepared myself to spend the money & pierre got off work earlier than i did so he went around to a few other stores & then picked me up after work to go see certain bikes he had in mind for me...we went to this used bike shop that had more bikes in it than it could physically fit...it was ridiculous...you couldn't walk you could just stand there & ask them what they had & point...i tried out a kona fire mountain..it was a green/white/blk scheme it was pretty cool plus i'd match pierre w/ it & then i tried out a trek pierre said the trek had better parts but was older...both rode well...i finally decided on the kona just cuz i liked it more...looks wise:P they threw in a nice seat for $10 so i got the whole shebang for $400 pre tax....

i was really excited...i started imagining the things i'd do on this bike...like ride to cheeseboard HAHA...jk...minus the fact that i'm really not jk

at night we went to eat at koryo (the korean place)

the next day we got up fairly early to go to the american lung association bike 4 breath...pierre's sister karen & her bf ian & her co workers were doing the 50 mile one but we didn't want to wake up early for one & i literally had not ridden a bike since elementary school...& maybe once in middle school for less than 5 minutes sooo we wanted to warm me up to my bike & riding in general...

we did the 18 mile one...it was nice..it was the perfect amount i think for the day...plus we went pretty fast...at least on parts

afterwards we were scarfing down the provided lunches & headed to my home home area...we met with maheen & audrey so i could get my id back...we ended up wasting many hours in the deserted vallco mall & at 6 we went to hong fu for pierre's dad's side family dinner...the food was fab & it kept coming...

we ended the night at pierre's aunt's place talking up a storm with his relatives...many interesting convos & stories...one in particular stands out is his aunt knew richard simmons before he was famous

the next day we went to long's to get some sun tan lotion & top dog for lunch (we got sunburnt sat.) & we went to sf to visit his grandma..we were gonna treat her to dinner..we got there at about 4:30 & we went to golden gate park to ride our bikes cuz the roads were closed off inside...we weren't really checking the time & we ended up going to dinner at about 8 opps...i was getting more & more used to my bike. we took mini off road trails that were fun...hills just scare the crap out of me though...i'm not comfortable enough yet to hit those hills..we rode to ocean beach but didn't stay around long cuz we had shoes on...

oh yea & before all the adventures we went to the store to get me a nice helmet i'm glad i waited to get one because the ones at the shop they were gonna sell me didn't fit well..i have a nice giro one now thanks to pierre :)

for dinner we went to one of their favorite places...shanghai dumpling house...i found out it's a chowhound favorite too...so that was cool the food was yum..i was so hungry without realizing it...it was relatively cheap too...

it was a great weekend...i had a lot of fun

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 2:05 PM PDT
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Friday, 1 July 2005
i swore i posted that entry but i guess not
i wrote this entry yesterday & i totally thought i posted it...but alas it has disappeared so i will try to remember & retype everything

6/30/05

so i decided to be nice & go change the strings on the guitar that pierre left here for me to practice on...being a girl in that music shop made me feel like a girl in an adult video store...there were only guys there & they were ranting & raving about how shitty that guitar player is & how awesome another one is...& a slight hush goes over the conversation as a female specimen enters the store...it was quite amusing...& i got comments as i walked down to the store even...i would've been flattered if i could actually play

while they changed the strings i headed to my secret kitchen supplier (no i'm not telling & no it's not in an alleyway)...so i finally decided to splurge on a calphalon stock pot...i've been eyeing it for some time now...plus i have to admit it's strange that a person can have a few hundred dollars worth in knives & not have a single good pot or pan...plus pierre was urging me to get a pot w/ handles...& as i was in line to check out i saw these pepper mills on the top top shelf & one looked really familiar (when chanda & i were at sur la table to meet giada i tried out their whole shelf of pepper mills out & i found my favorites) it turned out it was one of my faves & it was the only one left so i thought it was meant to be so i bought it too...it was a nice natural wood peugeot one...

as i walked home working both biceps i saw an asian couple in front of me they were it hink korean..the girl was stick thin & probably what he'd call a "fashion plate" & i have to admit those girls intimidate me because they are what i don't want to ever be but at the same time i know that i could never be that...

so as i had sunglasses on w/ a guitar in one hand & an 8 qt stockpot & pepper mill in the other i wondered to myself if pierre had to choose between this or that he'd better choose this...

i'm a dork whta can i say





since i never finished the rewriting of this entry til today i guess i will also say what i did this weekend...

2 bbq's...one w/ pierre's friends horge & ashley...there are so many parks in berkeley i never realized..it was fun & yummy i was stuffed...4th of july i went to pierre's fam bbq...his fam is adorable...

instead of fireworks we stayed in & bowled...i still suck haha...but it's ok i will get there!

quote:

p: "let's not do anything food related...let's go to mitchell's"

(mitchell's is a yummers ice cream place in sf)

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:18 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 5 July 2005 4:12 PM PDT
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Monday, 27 June 2005
my deal with the cat, nightmares, yoga v. life
everytime i'd walk home from yoga i'd pass this cat

he was black w/ tints of reddish brown

& he had an air about him

i'd meow, he'd look at me & then turn away...he could care less

then about a week ago while walking to yoga i saw him running from a house (that wasn't his owner's house) all disheveled & dirty..he looked up at me & ran away

that day when i walked back from yoga..the normally too good for me cat ran down the steps to greet me...

he rubbed against my leg & purred & would jump a little to reach my hand to encourage me to pet him...

this went on for a good 5 minutes...

i imagined him telling me it's our little secret that i ran from that house...so in exchange for silence i'll give you furry attention...it worked




in recent days i've been having an abnormal amount of nightmares...

i don't normally have nightmares & if i do i usually don't remember them or they're so spaced out it doesn't matter...

but now i can't even remember the last dreams i've had...i only remember a lot of nightmares...

i guess overall my sleep has been studded w/ them & it probably explains why i seem tired...& it's kinda scary because i'm almost afraid to sleep...

i used to be all about the analyzation of my dreams but i think i suck at it now...i can't figure out if it's someting crying inside dying to come out or it's just all my fears...& it's just so ironic that i'm pretty happy in my life right now but in my sleep many things haunt me...it makes me wonder if my happiness is all an act for me & my mind is trying to tell me to be aware of that

there are two main themes...

death & betrayal

many of them i wake up just before i know that i was about to die...i just never saw my own death...or maybe i was dead & it was black...i usually wake up from these in a cold sweat & breathing hard & completely scared

the betrayal...i just wake up heart wrung out...it's strange because i don't think i even feel the pain in the dream anymore when this happens..i'm just stoic

it bothers me

i remember a time i wanted to escape my dreams so badly because every night i'd be hurt in a different way...

this can't be healthy...i need to cleanse myself

i've been really happy but more recently people say things to me & i begin to worry...& i begin to have doubt & then i start to hurt for no reason & i bring it all upon myself...something about now is making me vulnerable...

i need to start tackling all the things i planned to do this summer or else i won't forgive myself...& i will find myself in a deeper rut & it can only get worse from there

i need to have confidence...the thing is even if i have confidence...it doesn't mean things will work out...we will take things as they come...that's all i can guarantee...there is no use worrying about it...& truth be told...i'm probably the lowest maintenance but stable & loving one most people could find...i know that sounds bitchy/cocky..however you take it...but it's the truth...i know it




my best days at yoga are the ones where i'm so tired i have to force myself to go...

my thoughts are that i'm so tired i don't really think about things as much & i don't go into a position thinking about how i'm going to get there i just do it...i'm a lot more relaxed & i get to the position by just focusing on that task at hand

as is with life

you think about it too much..you worry it to death...it gets you no where besides delving yourself deeper into something that doesn't exist...

it makes you feel helpless & you'd thought about it so much there is no living in it anymore..there is no spontaneity...that's not life anymore...that's a play

just relax (go do it..haha i had to)...handle things as they arrive...don't fix it if it ain't broke...don't question things especially if it brings you happiness...& enjoy the ride...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 12:28 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 28 June 2005 11:28 AM PDT
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Monday, 20 June 2005
wonderful weekend - bbq & father's day
i've had one of the best weekends of my life...
it felt great

friday after work i went to yoga & then pierre & i went lateish to this korean bbq place for dinner & completely pigged out (food related comments will be left to my food blog)...i was stuffed beyond belief & we had leftovers

saturday we went to berkeley bowl to pick up some ingredients so we could make stuff to bring to pierre's sister's (karen) friend's (angie) bbq...pierre suggested we make satay & peanut sauce (good job hun) & i really wanted to make the appleslaw....soooo we ran late & i got nervous but in the end it didn't even matter...the bbq was really really fun...i smelt like smoke afterwards but it was worth it...i met karen for the first time & i'm hoping she likes me...the people there were so nice & funny & the food was all sooo good....there was a pit fire going on in the front & we made smores & everything......we left around 10:30 to go to mitchell's for ice cream sandwiches...fab:) then pierre drove me to saratoga cuz i wanted to visit my dad for father's day




smores!!

sunday...our whole family (which is rare cuz not everyone is always here) went to dimsum at this place called dynasty..it was pretty nice...& the dim sum was really delish...we were all stuffed...we went to look at tuxedoes for dad (for gug's wedding) then we dropped the boys off at home & mom & i headed to santana row/valley fair to get her st. john suit altered & to dress shop for me as well as shop for my brother (he claimed he had no clothes) i bought a dress that was on sale at bcbg it's very very plain...it kinda wasn't what i'd imagine that i'd wear but it guess it's classy...it's just a plain halter & it's fushia...so my mom & i will almost match..it'll be cute..still need shoes & accessories...we'll see....then to valley fair...at which we saw dennis chang who completely avoided us on purpose (as in he saw us then covered half his face as he turned away & as he walked off he kept looking at the corner of his eye to see if we were behind him still) it was pretty messed up...then we went to target & to vietnamese sandwiches (a lee's opened in cupertino) & we went for a walk later & i went to my haven of a backyard & picked plums...i will post the pics on this entry when i get back to the apt...there is so much joy in picking fruit from your own garden...pierre picked me up to take me back to berkeley at about 9:30...i met his brother too...i'm a bit more scared of him..i feel like he'll be more critical...we'll see...




plums




poor 3 ft tree being weighed down




life is a bowl of plums? :P




random artsy photo of a half ripened lemon

i have many many quotes to share:

at the bbq
lisa (karen's coworker) had said some time ago that karen & pierre look exactly alike & that he could wear a wig & walk into the office & no one would know the difference
pierre: so i'll have to wear a wig & visit the office sometime
lisa: you don't even need to wear a wig...just walk in..no one will know the difference anyway

for smores we had to fashion sticks out of metal wire hangers & everyone's was different (most of the people there were as pierre put it "was an architect or was dating one")
jeremy: how many architects does it take to make a stick...uh oh we don't have structural engineers...

on the car ride back to berkeley...
p: yea & there was that girl that ran after mom for like 2 blocks to give her back her credit card...she was cute you guys wanted me to ask her number
me: greeeeeat
marc(pierre's bro): yea i was thinking umm shuddup pierre she's RIGHT there
p: haha that's what mean she's cool she doesn't care

my bro & i were in another room & my dad is chuckling while he & my mom were in conversation
mom to my dad: what is that sound what are you doing?
dad: i'm laughing
(my brother & i burst out laughing)
gug: what..have you guys just met or something! it's like "what are you doing!" "you know sometimes when i talk my mouth moves"
(i know this isn't that funny to you guys but you have to see the interaction of our family to understand)

in the car to dim sum
mom to gug: you're sup'd to take care of your little sister! you're sup'd to protect her that's the whole point of having the boy child first! ask shian (my brother's chinese name)...i mean dad!
gug: shian? sure! shian says miao gin (no thanks/that's ok in taiwanese)!

my mom & i went to abercrombie & fitch to shop for my brother & upon entering a guy greeted us..he was normal looking...maybe only slightly above average...then when we were checking out the cashiers were excessively good looking...model-esque...& my mom kept saying "i wonder if they know they're good looking...they're probably stupid, huh?" & then as we were leaving we see that "regular" looking guy in the front & my mom says "poor thing...i wonder if he know's he's the ugly one"



"this is the best"
"when i say it i will mean it"
"can i keep her?"

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:42 AM PDT
Updated: Monday, 20 June 2005 10:22 PM PDT
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Friday, 17 June 2005
quote-brain farts
while cookie making & writing paper w/ audrey...



audrey: i have brain farts sometimes & you think it's a fluke but no...when i sound like i know what i'm talking about...that's the fluke



aud: see!! that's the thing i was trying to say about that thing!


i miss hanging out w/ my girls...

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:50 AM PDT
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Monday, 13 June 2005
quote-title
only a couple of people will "get" this quote

me: so that's my title now?

oh yea & i had a fabulous weekend:
-bowling in a suit & dress
-steve's bbq
-mr. & mrs. smith..i thought it was a good movie...but i guess it is kinda predictable
-guitar playing...hot! :)
-guitar learning...i suck but i try



Posted by blog/c_is_for at 4:43 PM PDT
Updated: Monday, 13 June 2005 10:18 PM PDT
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battling images
everyday people have to shield thmselves from images...

yea i guess this works for stereotypes too...
but that's not really my intention...the images i'm talking about are those that certain people impose on you even after knowing you...

i guess for me...it started particularly early

all though about middle school & definitely all through high school my image was simply & purely: the nice girl

no matter what people threw at me...that was what i was...

it all started innocently enough

being nice was my nature (& when i say nice...i MEAN nice...overly nice...you couldn't hate me if you tried...but it wasn't a fake nice..it was very sincere at least at first) i would make people things & make them feel special. hell you could even tell from my yearbook messages that was the image i had & then came the catch

it was a good image to have..i'm not complaining i'd rather be known as nice than as most other things people dream up in high school

it was an image i had to uphold for myself now that it was established...if i deviated it would draw negative attention & it'd spread like wildfire (ah the greatness of high school)

in this battle i let it win

it took over me...it messed me up...it often left me upset/sad because niceness leads to eventual screw-over of myself

let's just say there is a fine line between being nice & being used

of course, i haven't really gotten over this niceness thing because i enjoy being nicer than the average bear but it's been better nowadays

then..there are the parents

images they set for you at higher than you'd probably set for yourself

or maybe it's not even that they are higher but simply that they are constantly there to enforce this image upon you

the pressure of both academic & physical success were my greatest image barriers

i knew i was capable of fitting the academic image...& i tried...but probably not as hard as if i had pushed myself to do it because i truly wanted it...i turned out alright i suppose

i remember when my brother went through a phase of being obsessed with the letter A...no joke...the mention of any other letter was cause havoc in his world...it was his goal embedded in his mind...but i guess unlike him i never made this a huge personal goal...but that is the impact our parents have on us...yea people say it's for our own good but so is our sanity

then there is the image that i talk about often...that physical image...one of a skinny asian girl that probably ate a carrot stick a day

but i talk of that battle too often...

that battle was probably the longest one of my life...it's still not fully clear if it is over & who has won

then there is the image that has sparked this whole entry (to a person who knows who he/she is...please don't see this as an attack or paranoia it has no effect on my feelings whatsoever & i hope it won't effect yours either...it's purely an internal battle)

in each of my relationships or even crushes sans the one w/ adam..i have had to live up to an image that i could NEVER defeat at least in my mind

ken
he had his typical obsessions (natalie portman & zhang ziyi) which are fine for me now but bothered me back then & as i told erick one time "it just bothers me cuz if it were a real person i could probably beat them up in a cat fight or talk crap about then but it's an unreachable person for both of us & in reality neither of us really know her & therefore she is an image of perfection"

but more applicable to me was this girl...let's give her the name of tracy...tracy had rejected him back in the day...she was not all that cute...she was all around very regular....(not to take away from her any good qualities)

i know some guys are all about the chase..it gets your heart pumping & adrenaline rushing & they get a kick out of the uncertainty of it all

i know in his mind...simply because he did not have a chance to see what it'd be like..he had already idealized tracy inside his head...how great it would be to be with her...how wonderful she was & how much prettier she seemed because she was now a forbidden fruit...

the reality of me (how i was & how i acted) could never compare to that of a perfect woman inside his brain & it really hurt sometimes...

cuz everyone has flaws & the fact that he never got to see what she'd be like in a relationship he never got to see those flaws

& i remember at the time it made me wonder if she came knocking if he would've just left in a heartbeat

i guess in the end it was all inside my head this battle i played out if i ever felt insecure but the truth of it is that he fed into it...he'd tell me things that would only make this battle more & more real...it was a sketch that grew into a full blown piece of artwork

dominic
with dominic things were fine at first...then his issues started to emerge...it was no so much the issues that got me but how he chose to deal with them...with him this image "problem" was even more painful because it was such a contrast....the beginning was beautiful it was out of a movie....& maybe it was just too perfect to last...the end...it was like when you stand at the platform & you see the lights of the train coming...you see the sign flashing the announcement of the train's approach & yet you step right onto the tracks & get hit with a powerful impact

image this time around was about an ex gf this was tougher because the absense of her made him forget anything bad that might've happened...romanticizing her to the point of perfection...& the blending of this with an emotional attachment & the issues he was dealing with basically made her seem like a goddess in comparison to me who was on the front lines of this war with his issues all cut up & dirty...trying to solve the problems with an open heart, listening ear, and tissue in hand...it just wasn't pretty....

hearing about this imagery of her from him was even less pretty...for me

& in this battle...she won...

i let the images of her overcome me

even in retrospect though...i don't see myself having handled it any other way...when he'd go see her he'd put on a happy face & at night he'd call me & i'd spend time with him til the wee hours of the morning comforting him & trying to be positive as he told me dark dark things..i was backstage & she was the audience...i don't see how else i could've dealt with it at the time...

& now i see myself...completely overcome with happiness but a tinge of jealousy changes me

i try not to act differently towards the other person but the thing is it's an internal battle & nothing that person says or does will change how i feel...

i didn't used to be this way

but my past experiences have taught me to fear certain things...& this is one of them

i hate how something so stupid can control me...& the reason why it hate it so much is because i know it is nothing more than my own insecurities...i guess in a way though it's not just insecurities but the desire to be special...i want to think that i'm the only one that can make someone feel a certain way & with some image lingering over me that I could never match much less surpass hurts me..it makes me feel like i'm really not all that unique...but i guess in the end that IS insecurity..because if i was fully confident i wouldn't even question the fact that i make that person feel special & that is why they are with me...but then the devil's advocate connie would say...well maybe you're the backup...you're that rebound because he can't have that image of perfection...but i don't want to be that negative...i haven't been that negative in so long...& the thought of these things makes my heart jump with fright (literally)...i refuse to have those thoughts invade my mind...but see in the past these thoughts have always been fairly accurate...but i guess each situation is different...& right now...this feel just right...i need to stop questioning things & i need to let go so i can be happy in any situation i may find myself in...i apologize for those that have to deal with me & the bitter things i say in the aftermath of a battle....it can be tough

it is a fight to the death...only one may survive...

either this concept of a perfect image that no one could ever live up to or your sanity/happiness

in the end, it's your call

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 10:24 AM PDT
Updated: Monday, 13 June 2005 4:41 PM PDT
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Friday, 10 June 2005
to a specific person...
in reference to what you had said that morning & i asked later if you meant what you had said...

i know i didn't have much of a response either times

but i'll tell you through this...if you ever read this

i feel the same way

Posted by blog/c_is_for at 1:19 PM PDT
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